Want to pursue girl"friend" from college, 2 years later

[stepbehind]

PLEASE, PLEASE help!!
I really need help figuring out my friends feelings and intentions. I have had these incredible feelings for her since the first night we met, but I have always had a girlfriend or she has had a boyfriend, so timing has been off. I apologize that this is a long post, but I want to paint the picture accurately. She is the only person I have ever felt that I could spend my whole life with, so this is very important to me. I get flustered when I try to explain our interaction because it is more of a "feel" and seems very subtle.

I met this girl in college six, years ago, and haven't seen her much in the last couple years. I was really hurt by my girlfriend prior to meeting this girl of my dreams. After I met her, I spent the majority of my "party/free" time with her and her roommates.

When ever I get depressed, just thinking about her snaps me out of my mood. Neither of us have been single at the same time, and I would have been apprehensive about approaching her because I didn't want to mess up a friendship. Now I figure that there is nothing to lose since I don't see her any more.

Here is what I am confused about. I need to know what this means in girl talk/feeling. She always had a boyfriend at a different school. Whenever she would go out, I would always be with her for part of the night. She would call, I would call. I always knew where she was. We spent tons of time together, often alone at the end of the night. She would call me at the end of the night, I would meet her at a party and walk her home to her apt (in my complex). I would support her while she “stumbled” home, holding her hand, arm etc. It felt great!!. It felt like she was faking being drunk. We would often end the night together at my place, alone on the couch for an hour or so, talking and smoking bud. I never made a move for many reasons. There was an unspoken connection (I think).

If her car broke down, I was the person she called and I would pick her up and give her my car to go to work. She could have called 30 other friends.. I was HAPPY she called.

I just felt a connection when she looked and smiled at me. We would watch TV and when something stuck us as funny, odd, exciting, stupid, etc we would look at each other, always thinking the same thing.. I felt a mental connection with her like we agreed on politics, social issues, parenting, food, health.

She always pointed out what she was cooking (she is a
great Italian cook!!) like she was showing that she could be a great wife.

I would come up to her apt while she was getting ready to go out for the night. She would take her shower, and get ready in front of me (in a towel, robe or clothes) it drove me NUTS. Her smell, wet hair, putting lotion on her legs, drying her hair!!! I miss it so much.

She would work out for hours at the gym I worked at, always looking fine!!

Once I graduated, she was there 1.5 years longer. I would visit every week while I had a girlfriend and sleep on her couch. They always offered to do things and it seemed that they never wanted me to leave. It felt great! I miss them all so much.

The following I'm not proud of, but I had self esteem issues then and these girls were great to me.. I hooked up with 5 of her roommates. I'm not sure if she knows about all of them but she laughs about at least 3 of them. I didn't have sex with any of them, just fooled around a little. I was good friends with all the 6 girls, but feel like I love the other one.

I always wanted to make a move, but I respected her relationship's and I didn't want to make a move while I was in a relationship and have her think I was a cheating asshole.

I think I had to be her best guy friend at college. I felt that she wanted to have something more. I had tons of guy friends who were extremely envious of be because I was always with her, they all thought I was having sex.

I had a low self-image at the time and thought this girl was out of my reach. After talking to friends, they told me I was out of my mind for thinking that.

Finally, she started dating a guy towards the end of college. I was heart broken. He had been “just a friend” with her, so I thought that I really had a chance. She rarely talked about her boyfriend around me and when she did, she didn't seem happy.

This woman lives about an hour from me in a large city. I live 15 mins from her parents as we went to neighboring high schools. I want to figure out a way to meet up with her and find out how she is doing and maybe tell her how I feel.

BTW, a HUGE reason I never pursued a relationship with her was because I thought she was so perfect, I didn't want to mess it up. I wanted to make sure I could “settle down” and treat her how she deserved to be treated. I didn't want to make the mistakes I had in previous relationships. I spent the last 2 years figuring out how to be a good partner. I also wanted to see if my feelings continued and possibly "fate".

Any insight, suggestions etc would be greatly appreciated. Should I talk to her friends and find out if she ever liked me? What if she is dating? I want to see her sooooo bad!!!

Also, she would tell me that my girlfriends were beautiful (they were) but I would hint that there was a lot missing and that it wasn't serious. .

I look back and really think she liked me, but I just second guess myself and have self-esteem issues.

[squirrley]

You will NEVER know if you dont TAKE action! It sounds like you built a great friendship which is a wonderful foundation for a romantic relationship in the future. You have to start finding out if she's involved with someone. I would go straight to her. Its kinda weird asking her friends.

She also could see you as a friend and nothing else, but it sounds like she had implied a few things to make you think maybe. Do your usual thing, but take her out and start initiating things beyond a friendship IF she is available. You have to start somewhere!

Goodluck!

[Michael6084]

im a guy and not to sound like an ass, but she probably sees you as a friend only. if you've been this close to her in college, she should have already gotten the vibe from you. but hey, try whatever and see what happens. even if she says no, you had the balls to go up and try to do so and there's nothing you'll lose from doing that.

[stepbehind]

Thanks for the reply! It was so hard to describe the interactions with her. She made me feel like the only other person in the world while I was with her. Maybe it was what I wanted to feel.

Here is how I thought about approaching her.

I have the feeling that she is stuck in a relationship that is in the college rut. She was dating a guy from our college and he lived in a city surrounded with 150-200 ex college students that don't want to move on from their college experience. If she is dating the same guy from college, I think I have a good chance.

If she is involved in a relationship, how should I approach this? I would still love to see her. What would be acceptable so I don't cross any boundaries? God I hope she is single now!

[stepbehind]

Thanks! My thoughts are, the worst that could happen is that she is flattered and we feel a little awkward. I thought about the whole "friend" thing, and I think we both picked up vibes, but were afraid to act on them.

She was dating a guy who had been a "friend" before. She stopped hanging out with this guy when she met me. We spent tons of time together for 15 months, but I had a girlfriend. She then started to date this old "friend" but ever seemed happy about it.

Sorry, it's hard to explain. I think she is a little mysterious and maybe a little "dark". That is why I am drawn to her so much.?.?

[squirrley]

When was the last time you actually talked to her?

You can only hope she's really single. You dont want to jump into anything with her even if she's on the outskirts with a current. You DONT want to be the rebound guy. If you guys were hanging out reguralry than call her and invite her to things you USE to do. Dont overwhelm her with some elaborate date thing. START with where you left off, ease into things.

I hope she's single for you. But take baby steps no matter what. The last thing you want is to yell from the rooftops youre in love with her. That will scare her off. Proceed with caution but proceed.

Give her a call and set something up. AS FRIENDS like before. You'll know in that night where she is in relationship wise and then will know where you stand without putting yourself out there openly. Gotta test the water first!

[stepbehind]

Great advice.
I think I'll see if one of my buddies (who went to high school with her), will accompany me and we can go out with the girl and her room mate.

It should be a nice time to at least catch up and see where everyone stands.

Is there anyway I can test to see if she has/had feelings?
I'll try to act pretty much like I used to, but a little more mature.. tame the drinking a bit.

I'm sorry I'm asking so many questions. I don't know why I feel such a need to "verify" these feelings for this girl. I think I need to know if I'm just mis-reading all women or what?


One last question. I've had sex the first night I met a girl, and most tell me "believe it or not, this is the first time I've done this" I've had at lest 15+ girls say they never sleep with someone the first night, but they admit they would maybe the second or third.. I always took this as BS, but they always said that I was so charming, which I also took as BS. I was drunk and polite.. Why would they tell me the never F on the first night?

[squirrley]

Like i said just act like you always have in the past, her friend. You need to establish if she's even available. Then you can slowly proceed to something else.

As far as girls saying its their first time, maybe. Doubtful but today some girls dont want to come out of the gates stating how many partners they've already had especially if theyre younger. Odds are you werent their first. Dont mean to burst your bubble, but its the truth. The later we get in our years, the more meaningful relationships come to us, then maybe some truths will come out. I had only been with a couple of men over 15 years my husband was blown away. But I didnt want to be involved due to my son. I wanted him to look back and say "ya know my mom never dated or had anyone over."

I think more girls are having a lot more sex than they admit to. I wouldnt take their word for it.

[Michael6084]

One last question. I've had sex the first night I met a girl, and most tell me "believe it or not, this is the first time I've done this" I've had at lest 15+ girls say they never sleep with someone the first night, but they admit they would maybe the second or third.. I always took this as BS, but they always said that I was so charming, which I also took as BS. I was drunk and polite.. Why would they tell me the never F on the first night?

again, im not a girl lol. i think it's because the girls you talk to dont wanna seem like sluts. they arent, but many guys have this tendency to talk like the "big men on campus" type deal and the word spreads about how "so-and-so slept with so-and-so". im judt wondering out of pure curiosity, were they drunk too? lol probably a stupid question, but whatever.

[stepbehind]

I'd say that 90% of the time alcohol was involved, sometimes bud too. None of these girls were drunk drunk. I've seen all these girls drink a lot more than what they had when we were together. I wasn't taking advantage or anything. I always felt really close to them over the night and it just happened.

I am a pretty insecure person when it comes to picking up girls. That is why I find it odd that they give it up so easy and say they never do it the first time. It really confuses me.

Also, when it rains, it pours. I'll 4-5 consecutive nights of getting lucky with a diff girl each night. Then months of dry spells. It's really weird. These are never random, they know my friends or have something in common.

[Gigabitch]

I am a pretty insecure person when it comes to picking up girls. That is why I find it odd that they give it up so easy and say they never do it the first time. It really confuses me.

Also, when it rains, it pours. I'll 4-5 consecutive nights of getting lucky with a diff girl each night. Then months of dry spells. It's really weird. These are never random, they know my friends or have something in common.

I'm laughing, you silly man-whore.

Are you sure you're grown-up enough for Dreamgirl? The way I see it, she's been waiting for you to pull your head out of your ass since college. I think you might have a real chance with her if you can prove that you've done this.

I suggest you spend a little bit of time by yourself, getting a clear idea of what you want and what you have to offer someone in a relationship. A few months, at least. You'll be more believable as a potential boyfriend that way.

[Only-virgins]

Meh, I stopped reading after the "smoking a bud" part.

[stepbehind]

Thanks for the reply. I have days that are ups and downs where I feel really motivated to make contact.

As for your suggestion to spend some time alone, that is exactly what I have been doing for the last year. I haven't had sex in a year! And the year before last, I spent it basically alone except for a couple months dating a mom. This made me realize that I could handle taking care of babies! That was a huge stepping stone!

I have matured immensely in the last two years and that is why I asked about pursuing this girl. The time alone and breaking the co-dependence issue was great.

[stepbehind]

I'm glad you stopped reading. I wouldn't want an opinion from someone so judgmental. If you had that attitude to everyone who has smoked pot, you'd probably ignore half the population. U must be a "special" person. U take care.

[Only-virgins]

U must be a special person.

So true.

you'd probably ignore half the population.

So than with 6.7 billion people world wide that now leaves me with only 3.35 billion people to talk with. Damn.