Oh dear...

[the_b]

Hi,

Was going out with my ex for about 18 months. During the last six months she's been drinking heavily, taking drugs to deal with all her anxiety/stress problems. I tried to help her and get her to stop but she just kept getting moody with me, ignoring me for a week and just generally being horrible.
I told her I couldn't take it no more and broke contact with her. She came back to me and said she was willing to change and wanted to try. I hesitated but then agreed to give it a try.

A few weeks back I invited her over for the first time in ages - we had a lovely evening just like before. She stayed over and I went to work. Came back and my flat was a tip - bottles of my booze drunken, she'd invited her sister around and crashed the place. I tried to keep my calm, but she was so obnoxious that I that i flipped and told them they had to leave.

I appologised a few days later but explained that I only cared for her and didn't want her destroy her life again - no response.


Anyhow, I decided to give myself some space and try to get over her. I still love her so much but she was hurting me so bad with her actions. Today i decided to call her - i was in a good mood and just wanted to see if she was ok (she had called me a couple of times before but i'd missed the calls). I just wanted to know if she was ok (i'd heard she had a car crash).

She tells me that the day i asked her to leave, she met someone and that she's been seeing him since. I couldn't believe it but kept my cool. She explained that he's bought her a computer and is so understanding etc. She also said that she is confused because she still likes me and doesn't know what to do.

My question is what do i do. I really loved this girl but she put me through torture for six months. i really wanted to help her but one argument (after how many from her) and she's off with another. I so much love her and want her back (the real her) but I want her to take responsibility for her actions/what she did.
At the moment she thinks it's all my fault for chucking her out and that it was some sort of destiny that she met this guy.

Personally i think her head is screwed and she's on the rebound (she explained her car crash was due to her drinking - I was really pissed with her when she told me that).

What's the female view on this....
If I want to try get back with her, what's the best approach? If I leave it as no contact then that's the end I reckon.
I don't know if/how to chase without making her mad/pushing her away.

(I know I should just leave this crazy girl alone but I can't help myself - i shouldn't be treated this badly by anyone - but I so love her).

Help please.

[Gigabitch]

Jesus. Her name wouldn't happen to be Amy Winehouse, would it? Just wondering...

Sounds like you need a little dose of the rebound, yourself. I suggest you go out with someone else, just to remind yourself that there are, indeed, other girls out there.

But if you insist on having her back, here's how to do it: Wait two weeks and then go and offer her new man twenty bucks to dump her ass. By that time, he'll be so sick of her shit, he'll be happy to give YOU twenty bucks to take her off his hands.

Now, off to the liquor store with you. Between Amy and her sister, I'll bet there's not much booze left in your place, so you'd better stock up. When the cupboard is full, give her a call and then you can just lay down on the floor so she can walk all over you again when she arrives, which should be soon, barring further auto accidents.

Sound like a plan? I didn't think so. Look, she is, in your own words, horrible and obnoxious. How much of your precious life are you going to spend on her? I'll bet you know some girl right now who is more suitable. Why don't you date her instead?

[the_b]

Thanks for that - i do need a kick up the ass sometimes.

I'm having one of those days remembering the good times with her - like everyone does after they've split up with somebody they loved.

She was a babe and i guess i'm really pissed that she reckons there is someone more understanding of her than me (after all the crap she put me through).

I've never been this out of control with my feelings - she's just screwed my head up even more now. Making out that it was my fault that now she's seeing another guy.

I'm sooo stupid about this - kick my ass again before i send her some whiny text declaring my love.

Yes, i've had a chance for rebounds but my heart just says no. Maybe she's right, to hell with everything and just get drunk/drugs to forget.

I've just got a jealous head on and want to be back in control. I want her to feel as crappy as i do right now.

Half of me thinks i only want to get back with her so that i can punish her for all the stuff she put me through. Must stop thinking about this perfect future i planned with her.

She said she was confused about her feelings and asked me to call her in a couple of days - WTF? And what should I do?

Rubbish girl = rubbish life but why can't i stop wanting her?

[Gigabitch]

She said she was confused about her feelings and asked me to call her in a couple of days - WTF? And what should I do?

Gaaahhh! Get an exorcism! She is, let's see... how do I put this...yanking your dick. She will continue to yank it until you take it away from her, say, "I'll take that back now, thank you.", and turn your back on her.

Rubbish girl = rubbish life but why can't i stop wanting her?

Because she is a parasite, and parasites don't get to stay attached unless they do something for the host. My guess is, you've got a little drama habit going on. It sounds like staying in control and leading an exemplary life are important to you. Maybe your evil side is living vicariously through her. Whatever it is, she's satisfying some need in you, and I doubt it's just that she's a babe, because you could find a babe that doesn't disrespect both you and herself.

Try to go cold turkey on her. No contact. As soon as you stop feeding her drama, you'll be astounded at how your perceptions about her change.

[IndiReloaded]

Giga, your advice is excellent. That is all.

********
I hope all you younguns out there realize there are psychologists who get paid Big Bucks to give advice that isn't this good.

[squirrley]

Holy shit man, you HAVE to stay away from her. She's old enough to control her own life and manages to destroy yours as well. She IS not the one, trust me when I say it. When someone is so out of control and has no regard for you no respect WHY would you want that back in your life? She has changed. People do change I know, but she's just on a destructive path and do you want to go down in flames with her?

Let her new doormat take the fall. The guy doesnt KNOW her. It is a rebound, but they've just latched on to eachother probably because hes JUST AS BAD. Money doesnt buy happiness and she's just found some reject to take her in. Do NOT let that bother you. Misery loves company.

If you really love her and you think you want this person back, let her go. Let her get herself together on HER OWN. You cant babysit someone like this. She has to hit rock freakn bottom to start climbing again. i know it hurts like hell that youre just standing by and hearing about it, but its not your problem.

IF she can pull her shit together and IF youre meant to be, then it will work itself out. Theres nothing you can do in my opinion to "win" her back. SHE needs to be the one to come crawling back to you and have shown proof she's healthy in every way. Off the booze off the drugs, been through some rehab or something.

You can always think about the great times and thats what keeps you pulled in to her. But right now in her life she doesnt give a rats ass about anyone. Dont let her control you like that, maybe thats what she wants for you to come crawling back, some damn power ego trip.

As far as dating other people you dont have to have a serious relationship with anyone, but going out with friends and meeting NEW people is whats important. The last thing you want is to rebound yourself you dont want to innocently hurt that person. But getting to know new people and broaden your horizons is a start rather than sitting at home thinking of her ALL the time.

Let her go for now. DONT call her. The next she calls just tell her as much as you want to be involved in her life you cant right now and when she straightens out to give you a call, but dont wait for her either. You've got to move on somehow, we all have.

Goodluck

[vashti]

Aww, geez. If you could see what alcohol and drugs do to your liver and pancreas over time, you'd run for your life. I see this in the hospital, and it is completely revolting.

I think you should try to figure out why you have a deep-seated need to rescue. Emotionally healthy people avoid BAD, DESTRUCTIVE relationships.

[the_b]

Thanks for the top advice everyone.

Yes - i've been questioning myself why I'm acting like some sort of social worker, trying to rescue her from all the crap she's inflicted on herself. I had closed off from her before, but she came back with promises to change and so i decided to give her a chance. How she's turned it around and blamed it on me for her finding another guy is amazing - she's really got me kicking myself.

I guess i was really attached her, she was the first person who made me really open my heart and confront stuff. I'm not dependent on her but those were the times that i remember and miss (thank god i never told her that). I reckon i just want to feel like that again and i'm hoping to get this back with her.

You're right, it's not healthy and i'm in for a load of pain with persuing her. I'm stupid for thinking/hoping she'll change - she won't for me i know this. She's so nice to everyone she meets, charming but nobody except me and her family know what her true personality is like. I guess that is how she manipulates me with her rebound - "i can have any guy" talk - she probably could. But they don't know her - underneath she's completely confused/insane/moody swings etc

What you know - whilst writing this post she's only text me asking to call her! Balls to it all i say!

[the_b]

Update: she called again y'day and I decided to answer. She tells me that this new guy is so good for her, that she's changed - no drinking etc when with him. She gones on about how I never helped her like this when we went out, she sees a future with him.

Can't believe it, I spent months worrying, pleading with her to change, putting up with crap nobody should have to. 3 weeks later it's all forgotten and I'm just a bad memory for her.

I guess her heart is changed and I'm left outside. This guy maybe the best thing for her. She sounded so sincere this time, the old her. It's over for her. How do I got over feeling used? I stood by her through it all, gave her my love always. So easy for her to get angry and use this to forget me. I'm busted.

[sine24]

She used you bad. It's rare to find a guy that will stand by a girl for 6 months of self-destruction. I find that really admirable. Someday, you'll find someone that actually appreciates what you have to offer, and can return the love you give. You definitely deserve better, it's her loss!

[the_b]

Thanks.

Finding it hard to cope really. I feel stupid - an idiot for believing in somebody like that. Blaming myself but I know I didn't do anything wrong - she just didn't love me like I loved her. I just hate that she can argue and say that it was me that didn't support her - how could I when she was so out of it? She won't and hasn't taken any responsibility - simply says that I asked her to leave that night and this is the result. Manipulation, the truth from her heart or what? I know you can't make someone love you if they don't - but the way this has happened has killed me. He must be some special guy.

[Aura]

You are right, she is on the rebound with this other guy. In fact, she's probably only with him to make you jealous. She doesn't sound like a very respectable person. Why would you want to be with someone who has a pattern of hurting you? Do you not think that the pattern will only repeat itself?

You said that you wanted her but you wanted the real her. The fact is, she is not the person you once knew. There is nothing you can do to bring that person back if she doesn't want it to happen. You can stand by her until you turn blue in the face and all it will do is hurt you.

You have done all that you can do at this point. Just make it clear to her that you love her but you will only be with her if she stops drinking. If she can't do that then you need to move on. It shows that she's made a choice and no matter how "confused" she claims to be she continues to choose actions that hurt you.

She knows the situation, she is an adult, she knows that her actions do have consequences. Don't try to save her, make her prove to you that she can save herself.

She lied to you by saying that she would change. Its clear that the only reason she said that was because she wanted to have you and didn't care how she might hurt you. Her actions will continue to hurt you if you let them. Remove yourself from her life, don't let her call you for advice or "just to talk". Tell her only to call you if she's sober. If that does happen you have to test her to see if she's true to her word or if she is just doing the same thing over again. Until then, move on and forget about her. She's not the person you want her to be.

Also keep this in mind. She will continue to take all the chances you give her. She will do what she can to keep you around. This is her pattern. Its up to you to decide how much you can take and how much she is really worth to you. In the end, you will have to think of yourself first and not her.

[Aura]

I read some of your other post and I do feel really bad for you. She is being a total (insert word of choice here).

She is not mature and she is not a healthy person to be around. Its takes a lot to admit you are wrong, to say " I did this and I need to make it right". Her words and actions show that she is not capable of thinking like this. She is selfish and doesn't care about how she hurts people.

A girl that calls her ex to say "this new guy is soooo perfect" is only doing that to hurt you. She likes the feeling of you being jealous. She doesn't care about the fact that it hurts you, the only thing she cares about is herself. The next time she says something like that I would just say "well I hope he never sees the side of you that I have".

You need to tell her what you want. Put it out there in black in white "you can either be with me and be sober or never speak to me again". When it comes down to it thats the only way it can be. Don't even think about trying to be her friend. It is not possible and not worth it. Make her choose, give her a week to think about it. Don't let her have any excuses. After that, move on and start the healing process.

Like I said in my previous post, as long as you let her she will keep you around. You have to be the one to move on and put an end to it all.

[the_b]

Thanks.

It's just that she has suddenly seemed to change since this guy showed up. I went through hell only now to find that she's "reformed" and feels happy. I'm left thinking they are having a wonderful life, the one I wanted, tried so hard to have with her. Makes me feel useless - she's taken everything that was inside me away. I hate how she's made me become, questioning my actions even though I didn't do anything bad. She simply fell out of love, that I could understand but the way it happened and how blind I was makes me sick. I'm an idiot, stupid - she never even came to see me when I broke my leg a few months back. Girl I loved, I made up so many reasons for her behaviour but she just used me and I let it happen. Such a fool.

[lin]

I'm sorry if I've missed anything reading through this thread .. but are you sure that this guy even exists ? Or is she just trying to make you feel jealous and guilty ?