Just found out that my Girlfriend is a Sex Worker!!?

[ExpoNovak]

I'm going to totally and completely play devil's advocate here, but some people in that line of work can completely separate what they do for a living from being at all sexual. To them its just "work". Maybe your girlfriend didn't feel as if she was openly decieving you if she was never directly asked about exactly what it is she does. She told you she was a massuse. No offense, but if a girl told me that I'd question much deeper and immediately. These days that tends to mean only one thing. Sad, but true.

And at most upscale massage parlors, penetration is not part of the deal. Men pay for "release" but that usually just means a handjob. Not a blowjob, not vaginal or anal intercourse. Don't get me wrong, I totally sympathize with your being royally pissed off that your girlfriend has her hands on wang that isn't yours. I'd hit the ceiling..however...something tells me this situation is different. Perhaps her past abuse has actually given her the ability to completely separate what she does from her own sexuality--something she shares with you and you alone. Perhaps the best idea isn't just therapy for her but couple's therapy. If you love her, then you both could benefit. Key phrase being IF YOU LOVE HER. If you aren't in love with her then there really is no point in trying to fix this, but if you are in love with her then you really don't want to walk away without at least trying. You never know what you'll grow to regret in the future. Best of luck.

[Only-virgins]

Hi. Was wondering if anyone else had any insight/advice into this situation... Been seeing this nice girl for a year now. She's an incest survivor, quiet, really sweet and innocent type.

However, very secretive. Always hiding her phone, locking bathroom doors etc. She told me upfront that she does massage, (shes only 21). I thought to myself at first, "okay, it's a living as long as its legit".

Long story short, I found out that she's been doing "sensual massage with a release".. I was heart broken. It killed me to see that there was this other life she was living along with us having genuwine fun together. I stumbled upon some of her ads, emails from men asking for nasty stuff. Spankings, one wanting her to do it topless.

I couldnt believe my eyes with her simple, matter of factly replies like, "sure no problem, just call me 2 hrs. in advance", "you seem like a nice man so the prospect of doing it topless may happen i the future, but I dont feel comfortable with nude"..etcetcetc.

I answered one of her ads and went off on her. I busted her secret so wide open her head spinning. She was beside herself. Ashamed? She tried to lie to me saying she doesnt have sex with them or suck their D---ks etc.

But it killed me to know that this sweet girl (with childhood sex abuse issues) was leading a double life. Shes so quiet and polite, Its unbelieveable. So after her numerous emails to me to apologize for hurting me etc. I've had to decide whether I can still keep her in my life in some way. I thought I could revert her but I've found that I cannot and she obviously continues to make extra money this way. Has a client that REALLY thinks the world of her. It makes me sick. It hurts, and yet, I dont want to let her go.

I'm confused as to what I can do. Some will say I'm stupid for giving her a 2nd chance, some will say if I can deal with it, than leave it as long as she comes home to me...

I would like to hear some thoughts, advice, experience on my current situation. I deep down know that i should leave her be and move on. But another part of me just wants to keep on having the fun we always did and "deal" with it.

Can someone give me some input here please?

What the hell is wrong with you? why do you douche bags let girls walk all over you like this? Dump the whore before your dignity plummets to ground zero...but if not at least point me to one of her ads.

I'm going to totally and completely play devil's advocate here, but some people in that line of work can completely separate what they do for a living from being at all sexual.

Do you actually believe this bullshit?

[ExpoNovak]

Do you actually believe this bullshit?

Well, the theory itself states that due to previous sexual abuse, sex itself becomes a "reminder" of the incident thus bringing about emotional detachment of all kinds when it comes to sexual contact. The irony in this is that it allows the formerly abused person to "use" sex without identifying it as intimacy.

And yeah, I believe it. That doesn't mean I think he should take her back, only that he really should consider all sides.

I believe in black holes too. However I refuse to believe that McDonalds actually jumped onto the iced coffee bandwagon. That's just too much for me to handle.

[Junket]

Well, the theory itself states that due to previous sexual abuse, sex itself becomes a "reminder" of the incident thus bringing about emotional detachment of all kinds when it comes to sexual contact. The irony in this is that it allows the formerly abused person to "use" sex without identifying it as intimacy.

That's precisely what often happens.

[Ziffmonger]

I'm going to totally and completely play devil's advocate here, but some people in that line of work can completely separate what they do for a living from being at all sexual. To them its just "work". Maybe your girlfriend didn't feel as if she was openly decieving you if she was never directly asked about exactly what it is she does. She told you she was a massuse. No offense, but if a girl told me that I'd question much deeper and immediately. These days that tends to mean only one thing. Sad, but true.

And at most upscale massage parlors, penetration is not part of the deal. Men pay for "release" but that usually just means a handjob. Not a blowjob, not vaginal or anal intercourse. Don't get me wrong, I totally sympathize with your being royally pissed off that your girlfriend has her hands on wang that isn't yours. I'd hit the ceiling..however...something tells me this situation is different. Perhaps her past abuse has actually given her the ability to completely separate what she does from her own sexuality--something she shares with you and you alone. Perhaps the best idea isn't just therapy for her but couple's therapy. If you love her, then you both could benefit. Key phrase being IF YOU LOVE HER. If you aren't in love with her then there really is no point in trying to fix this, but if you are in love with her then you really don't want to walk away without at least trying. You never know what you'll grow to regret in the future. Best of luck.

Hi Expo,

Hey, I havent been on this site for quite some time after I saw that most people commented and gave me their advice about my situation. Since there was no more replies, I kinda just left the site. Great site and I must thank you for your input-although late.

I've had alot of time to think about it all. And believe me, the replies were very helpful to me. At this point in time, I must say that you do understand about the anger I have at imagining and knowing that she's pleasured other men than myself. Like they got to experience how "skilled" she is-the way she is with me etcetc. Gets me angry just thinking about it all. But I must say that I am still with her. I did ask her in the beginning about her "massage" and if it was sexual and she had acted extremely insulted, upset and cried etc. so at that time, I put it under the rug. But still had my doubts...Now, she has a "decent" job in a sports club as receptionist. However, thats not to say that I trust her-I dont. The trust was busted up when I found out about her. I've talked with her about it and she says that I need to trust her or we will not survive. So I try, but when she has a weekday off-I do wonder. I went off on her one of those days to find that she was home in my house anyway. I then felt like shit...Still, I dont trust her fully. I do love her and I know in her way she loves me. Due to her upbringing in an unloving household, she is not affectionate like me. Her love language is different and I've had to adjust to it..because I'm trying and I know she loves me back. She is younger than me...I dont see us growing old together as I'm sure she has to experience others-in a loving relationship that is. But again, THanks for your honest and encouraging email to me.

[Ziffmonger]

Muspi,
Just got to reading this. Been away. Thanks. I can relate to your experience as well. Seems like we are caretakers and try to fix folks when no one can fix them but themselves...Thanks.

[Gigabitch]

Ziffy! You came back!

I hope you feel some sort of responsibility to stop in every now and again and help others, not just check your own threads. That's how this place works, you know, and you've had some unusual experiences to share.

I wish I could sound more hopeful than you do about your relationship, but it sounds like one of those impossible quests you hopeless types are always going on. :sigh: You remind me of my brother's best friend, actually. He's like my other brother- he's been around since I was eight, so he's family. I've watched him throw himself against a brick wall, so to speak, a number of times. He simply won't quit until the other person gives up.

Sounds like you're the same way.

[Ziffmonger]

Giga! I've missed your "on-the-nose comments!

Sheesh-and the worst part about it is that, i do seem to fit the bill about running myself into brick walls until "they" leave! I'm actually hoping to meet someone new who isnt "f'd up" like in the way this one is...I'll try to check in more regularly...

[Ziffmonger]

That's precisely what often happens.

Hey Frasbee, how do you seem to know so much about this? Did you have a similar experience? Do you know someone closely in the business? Just curious...

[Gigabitch]

Frasbee is a sex worker.

[Ziffmonger]

Giga...I broke it off with "the girlfriend" last night. I'm kinda glad because I see I wont get the love that I need. Long story short and to the chase-I was so frustrated with her not sharing her emotions with me a a subject that happened to her way back and so all the shit in me got heated and I started cursing to accenuate my thoughts. Like, "you dont give a F'n shit if you never see me again do you?", you dont ever f'n want to share things with me and it's so damned f'n frustrating. All my F'n ranting (i nver once though put her down by calling her things) she just shut down. Didnt say a word. But through my intense frustration and anger, I could see her mind filled with a million things only she didnt make a peep. Just told me to drop her off. I wanted to strangle some feedback outta her -thats how I felt. Of course I didnt and ended my ranting able to walk away with class because I didnt aim it at her per say. I told her it was over and that I shoulda stopped it a long time ago, that she should feel lucky to have someone like me to still love her despite the shit she put me through-or rather I found out etc. Of course when she got out o the car without looking at eachother, she mumbled a thank you for everything...I feel kinda glad that I finally ended it before I may have found her cheating on me...but more so because I've been short changing my emotional needs in the hopes that with the love I've shown her, she'd give me some back. Not sex mind you but a simple "hi Ziff" when I call on the phone instead of "what's happening"...I ranted that it would be nice if she sounded happy to hear me when i call etc.

Ahhh, what can I say...I feel sad though. I really wish after this year and 2 mths. and all that we've gone through, that I would have helped her get in touch with her emotions for some real intimacy...I sadly keep waiting for her to call me...but deep inside I dont think that'll happen. ONly because I blew up last night...I do so wonder what she's thinking about it all. Everything I said about her not giving enough or at all etc. She knows I love her...I knew she cared for me...F'n Sucks! (sorry...)

[Gigabitch]

I thought this would happen pretty soon. It's sad, but how else could this have ended? You weren't going to have "happily ever after" with her.

[Ziffmonger]

Yes...I know. I had always wanted it to end on a nice note. But it was me who "blew up". I'm not a cursor, but I was very frustrated and figured this to be "it". "it" was the way I was going out.

I feel kinda bad for the cursing rage but I had alot of rage saved up inside me.

Just didnt want it to end on that bad note...

[Gigabitch]

Well, you let it get to the point where you couldn't take it any more and blew it. Next time you see a breakup coming, you'll know the signs and be able to do it more gracefully.

[DoesntMatter]

... So how much does she charge?