Need help falling out of Love

[jamestl2]

This makes me want to set you up on a date with somebody. Anybody. She's still holding the position of "the girl" for you. Put somebody else in that position. It doesn't have to be the perfect girl, and you won't have to be sucked into another emotional whirlpool, either, but it might help put her in better perspective.

Are you saying I should just start fantasizing about some other girl, and try to think about *her* all the time? Even if we never met, talked, etc.?

Although right now I don't really like anyone else, if I do start to, won't my pain just be transferred, and not really gone? Or will it just "hurt less" than the way I'm feeling now.

(Also, I'd already picture a blind date as a disaster for me, I'd be really bad at it, embarassed, not knowing what to do, say, etc. Plus I kind of had an underlying assumption that people who are desperate go on blind dates. I don't consider myself desperate, wanting just anyone to go out with me though.)

[Gigabitch]

James, are you sure you actually want to fall out of love with her? I'm not convinced.

[jamestl2]

Well, since I KNOW I can't have her, and that she said she was married, so yes, I do, but don't know what to do.

[IndiReloaded]

And I’m not exactly sure what you’re saying I should “blow my mind on”, the concept of love? Who *I* really am? Or what?

I'm saying that you need to remember all the things you are experiencing will pass. Love, hate--none of it lasts. Experiences come and go until you are dead. So.

There are some who believe that the only way to truly get over a traumatic experience is to allow yourself to experience it fully. Meaning that you can't pick at the wound a bit and then let it heal. That actually makes things worse.

You have to allow yourself a period to feel love or hate. To cry, scream, rage, etc, completely without holding back. For anyone who tries this, I suggest you do this privately so you don't come across as insane (tho one could argue that you are, temporarily). At some point, you'll get physically and emotionally exhausted and you'll be able to look at those feelings from a different perspective. Its like coming out of a tunnel on the other side. You can look back and say 'okay, I was feeling xxx. Fine.' and you'll be able to accept it and move on.

Bottling up feelings is known to cause illness. Mental and physical. But this doesn't mean you cut loose whenever you feel like. You have to develop enough self-control to do it in an appropriate way at an appropriate time. Many ppl get good at the bottling up part, but then don't arrange for a way to release those feelings.

When I say 'you' I mean generally, BTW. Not the OP specifically. Hope this helps.

[jamestl2]

Thanks for the clarification, so I'm just suppose to find some way to release all my emotions (privately), just let it all out, when no one is around? I suppose I don't really know how to do something like that.

The periods of love, hate, etc. are what I thought I *was* feeling, trying to get rid of. I'm suppose to try to somehow "feel these feelings to the max"?

[ftheunion]

Love is a choice, not a feeling. Though I don't doubt the intese feeling you are having.

It is a choice to be truly other-centered, to care more about her than yourself. It is an honorable choice. That's why some people never stop loving their exes. Good luck...

[BrokenPieces]

Thanks for the clarification, so I'm just suppose to find some way to release all my emotions (privately), just let it all out, when no one is around? I suppose I don't really know how to do something like that.

The periods of love, hate, etc. are what I thought I *was* feeling, trying to get rid of. I'm suppose to try to somehow "feel these feelings to the max"?

The point is to not just feel them to the max, but unleash them to the max. That is to say, you can't get rid of them if they're all bottled up, so you have to vent and get them all out of your system to be relieved of them.

There are various ways to let out your emotions, depending on how far you want to take it...a friend of mine broke everything breakable that was in her room, but doing something like that you'll regret later and is more on the destructive side. What you might want to try is "jam writing", better known as free writing. Don't stop writing for at least 10 minutes (the key is to NOT stop) whatever comes into your head, even if it's often the same sentence over and over again. I've done this, and I usually just start off with something like "I hate this. I don't understand it" and then I'll start expressing why I don't understand it, and that leads into other things. It's like when you're aggravated at someone and they do one thing that makes you snap. You start yelling at them or get very angry with them, saying what they did that set you off, and before you know it you start dragging other things into it and pretty much complain about everything they've ever done. Same principle; start off with one thing, it leads to others and help you gain a better understanding of why you feel the way you do. Also, If I'm writing in a notebook I always leave the left pages blank and write on the right ones so I can use the blank pages to later annotate what I've written, because often after I've looked over and read everything when I'm through I start to understand why I've felt the way I have, or why things happened the way they did, and thus can come up with some possible solutions or ways to handle it.
I'm not saying this will "cure" unwanted feelings or anything, I'm just saying it's not at all destructive and you can get all your emotions out.

Past that you can punch a pillow to drain it out of you physically, or another thing I find that helps is to literally just start ranting out loud (when you're alone, of course...you'll sound like you've gone off your rocker otherwise). I have the same problem as you right now - I can't stop thinking about someone. I've already posted a topic about it here, but basically the guy was a jerk in a lot of ways. Though, for whatever reason, I think about him daily and still care on an odd level. Some days I feel like I hate him though because he did make me care when I felt I shouldn't. So one day recently I basically started ranting as though he were in the room listening, saying everything that pissed me off about him. When I had nothing left to say, I left the room and went on with other activities. It sounds like a crazy thing to do, but you know what? I didn't think about him for the rest of the night.
I'm not even sure why, the only thing I can figure is that I was keeping my emotions bottled up until then so when I let them out for a while I subconsciously felt that I had thought enough about him, and didn't need to anymore.
Not a permanent fix, though, because I thought on him more today - but not as much.

The key I think is time. How much? Depends. I've known the guy I was talking about for 11 months and stopped seeing him about 4 months ago, and I think it'll take me quite a while longer to get past it. You only start getting past it when you realize you deserve better. I look back on all the crap he pulled with me while seeming he cared, (and I still think he might in a certain way, but not near as much as I was hoping) and I know that I can find better than that. Do I want to find someone better right now? At first, no, I didn't think it'd be fair to the guy I'd be pursuing since I still cared about another, but I'm starting to notice other guys now whereas before I didn't. And since I'm starting to notice other guys, I can focus my attention on them when I'm around them and get my mind off the other one, and something may even come out of it.

I know it's a hard process. But you do deserve better; she used you several times with her schoolwork, all the while flirting with you and leading you on while she had a boyfriend. Did she care about you? Probably some, but not truly, and bottom line is she still used you on certain levels. Know that you can find better. The guy I cared about was the first one I started hanging out with, and this girl was similar for you. Since they are the first ones they somehow feel like the last ones, but they aren't. You're inexperienced like I am, and this is part of the experience.
Just do what you can to get through the emotions and see what happens.

[TADA]

The point is to not just feel them to the max, but unleash them to the max. That is to say, you can't get rid of them if they're all bottled up, so you have to vent and get them all out of your system to be relieved of them.

There are various ways to let out your emotions, depending on how far you want to take it...a friend of mine broke everything breakable that was in her room, but doing something like that you'll regret later and is more on the destructive side. What you might want to try is "jam writing", better known as free writing. Don't stop writing for at least 10 minutes (the key is to NOT stop) whatever comes into your head, even if it's often the same sentence over and over again. I've done this, and I usually just start off with something like "I hate this. I don't understand it" and then I'll start expressing why I don't understand it, and that leads into other things. It's like when you're aggravated at someone and they do one thing that makes you snap. You start yelling at them or get very angry with them, saying what they did that set you off, and before you know it you start dragging other things into it and pretty much complain about everything they've ever done. Same principle; start off with one thing, it leads to others and help you gain a better understanding of why you feel the way you do. Also, If I'm writing in a notebook I always leave the left pages blank and write on the right ones so I can use the blank pages to later annotate what I've written, because often after I've looked over and read everything when I'm through I start to understand why I've felt the way I have, or why things happened the way they did, and thus can come up with some possible solutions or ways to handle it.
I'm not saying this will "cure" unwanted feelings or anything, I'm just saying it's not at all destructive and you can get all your emotions out.

Past that you can punch a pillow to drain it out of you physically, or another thing I find that helps is to literally just start ranting out loud (when you're alone, of course...you'll sound like you've gone off your rocker otherwise). I have the same problem as you right now - I can't stop thinking about someone. I've already posted a topic about it here, but basically the guy was a jerk in a lot of ways. Though, for whatever reason, I think about him daily and still care on an odd level. Some days I feel like I hate him though because he did make me care when I felt I shouldn't. So one day recently I basically started ranting as though he were in the room listening, saying everything that pissed me off about him. When I had nothing left to say, I left the room and went on with other activities. It sounds like a crazy thing to do, but you know what? I didn't think about him for the rest of the night.
I'm not even sure why, the only thing I can figure is that I was keeping my emotions bottled up until then so when I let them out for a while I subconsciously felt that I had thought enough about him, and didn't need to anymore.
Not a permanent fix, though, because I thought on him more today - but not as much.

The key I think is time. How much? Depends. I've known the guy I was talking about for 11 months and stopped seeing him about 4 months ago, and I think it'll take me quite a while longer to get past it. You only start getting past it when you realize you deserve better. I look back on all the crap he pulled with me while seeming he cared, (and I still think he might in a certain way, but not near as much as I was hoping) and I know that I can find better than that. Do I want to find someone better right now? At first, no, I didn't think it'd be fair to the guy I'd be pursuing since I still cared about another, but I'm starting to notice other guys now whereas before I didn't. And since I'm starting to notice other guys, I can focus my attention on them when I'm around them and get my mind off the other one, and something may even come out of it.

I know it's a hard process. But you do deserve better; she used you several times with her schoolwork, all the while flirting with you and leading you on while she had a boyfriend. Did she care about you? Probably some, but not truly, and bottom line is she still used you on certain levels. Know that you can find better. The guy I cared about was the first one I started hanging out with, and this girl was similar for you. Since they are the first ones they somehow feel like the last ones, but they aren't. You're inexperienced like I am, and this is part of the experience.
Just do what you can to get through the emotions and see what happens.

wow, this helps even me....thanks.

And to the thread starter, just hang in there until it clicks for you. The moment it clicks, it will be like finally letting the flood-gates open; all will flush out and you will be ready to begin filling up the basin from the start.

[jamestl2]

Thanks for the suggestions, BrokenPieces

There are various ways to let out your emotions, depending on how far you want to take it...a friend of mine broke everything breakable that was in her room, but doing something like that you'll regret later and is more on the destructive side. What you might want to try is "jam writing", better known as free writing. Don't stop writing for at least 10 minutes (the key is to NOT stop) whatever comes into your head, even if it's often the same sentence over and over again. I've done this, and I usually just start off with something like "I hate this. I don't understand it" and then I'll start expressing why I don't understand it, and that leads into other things. It's like when you're aggravated at someone and they do one thing that makes you snap. You start yelling at them or get very angry with them, saying what they did that set you off, and before you know it you start dragging other things into it and pretty much complain about everything they've ever done. Same principle; start off with one thing, it leads to others and help you gain a better understanding of why you feel the way you do. Also, If I'm writing in a notebook I always leave the left pages blank and write on the right ones so I can use the blank pages to later annotate what I've written, because often after I've looked over and read everything when I'm through I start to understand why I've felt the way I have, or why things happened the way they did, and thus can come up with some possible solutions or ways to handle it.
I'm not saying this will "cure" unwanted feelings or anything, I'm just saying it's not at all destructive and you can get all your emotions out.

Like I said in the beginning, I tried journaling, freewriting, letting out all my feelings (in a word document, it was over 5 pages long), other similar techniques you mentioned, etc. while it may have felt good in the moment, a while later, maybe an hour or two, I just go back to the same lonely depressed mood I was in before, so it didn’t work in the long run.

I have the same problem as you right now - I can't stop thinking about someone. I've already posted a topic about it here, but basically the guy was a jerk in a lot of ways. Though, for whatever reason, I think about him daily and still care on an odd level. Some days I feel like I hate him though because he did make me care when I felt I shouldn't.

Same here, I keep thinking about her daily too, but despite all my efforts to get rid of the leftover feelings I have, they’re still there. I also sometimes feel like I really want to hate her for not being clear, or I find myself wishing I had signed up for a different class, so I never could have possibly met her, and maybe my life would be better and different without having fallen for her.

Sometimes I also wonder if I’d be happy if I was with a clone of her. This way, I’d still be able to do all the things I wanted to do with her and the *real her* wouldn’t have to have anything to do with me. I could have spend all my time with her and do many wonderful things, see different places with her, just do everything together. Only difference I’d want is her clone to be in love with me instead, since the real her isn’t. (OK, I know this last idea sounds really crazy, but it’s just a daydream)

So one day recently I basically started ranting as though he were in the room listening, saying everything that pissed me off about him. When I had nothing left to say, I left the room and went on with other activities. It sounds like a crazy thing to do, but you know what? I didn't think about him for the rest of the night.
I'm not even sure why, the only thing I can figure is that I was keeping my emotions bottled up until then so when I let them out for a while I subconsciously felt that I had thought enough about him, and didn't need to anymore.
Not a permanent fix, though, because I thought on him more today - but not as much.

I’m not sure about acting crazy like that aloud, since I still live at home, and my family would hear me. If I did pretend she were right next to me, I don’t think I could possibly yell and scream at her (I definitely wouldn’t want to in real life), even if she really did scar and hurt me, it doesn’t sound like something I could consciously do. Then again, I don’t have any other possible coping mechanisms, but I wouldn’t know what to say to her, the *pretend her* that is.

The key I think is time. How much? Depends. I've known the guy I was talking about for 11 months and stopped seeing him about 4 months ago, and I think it'll take me quite a while longer to get past it. You only start getting past it when you realize you deserve better. I look back on all the crap he pulled with me while seeming he cared, (and I still think he might in a certain way, but not near as much as I was hoping) and I know that I can find better than that. Do I want to find someone better right now? At first, no, I didn't think it'd be fair to the guy I'd be pursuing since I still cared about another, but I'm starting to notice other guys now whereas before I didn't. And since I'm starting to notice other guys, I can focus my attention on them when I'm around them and get my mind off the other one, and something may even come out of it.

That is roughly the same timeframe, I have known her for over a year, and ended all contact in May, about five months ago. It sometimes feels like I’ll never get over her, since no one else has ever been there to take the place of “the girl” for me.

It sucks even more because it wasn’t like I was looking for someone when I met her, and most stories I’ve heard about love talk about “Don’t worry about looking for it, love will find you” or “You two will run or bump into each other when you least expect it”, just another reason why I foolishly thought we were meant to be. And now that I realize I’m not with her, I can see just how miserable and alone I can be.

I know it's a hard process. But you do deserve better; she used you several times with her schoolwork, all the while flirting with you and leading you on while she had a boyfriend. Did she care about you? Probably some, but not truly, and bottom line is she still used you on certain levels. Know that you can find better. The guy I cared about was the first one I started hanging out with, and this girl was similar for you. Since they are the first ones they somehow feel like the last ones, but they aren't. You're inexperienced like I am, and this is part of the experience.
Just do what you can to get through the emotions and see what happens.

Since I have always been mostly an introverted person, I know what it is like to live in my own “bubble world”, so to speak, and now that she came along into it and then “popped it”, I realize just how lonely I was, and find myself thinking how could I have ever been happy before?

Like you said, I don’t know if she ever really *cared* about me in any form. While my inexperience probably does contribute to this huge, long slump I feel I’m in, I find it hard to have hope that things will get better, since no one has really expressed interest in me before or after I met her (I suppose even during the time I’ve been in her company, because she said she was never attracted to me in the slightest).

[BrokenPieces]

Same here, I keep thinking about her daily too, but despite all my efforts to get rid of the leftover feelings I have, they’re still there. I also sometimes feel like I really want to hate her for not being clear, or I find myself wishing I had signed up for a different class, so I never could have possibly met her, and maybe my life would be better and different without having fallen for her.

I've also thought several times I would've been better off if I hadn't met him, and wish I hadn't...But now I think it's good that I did because, for one thing, I know what signs to look for that show it won't be worth my time if I come across another guy like him in the future. And after I get over the crappy way he made me feel I'll end up being a stronger person since my standards have changed.

Sometimes I also wonder if I’d be happy if I was with a clone of her. This way, I’d still be able to do all the things I wanted to do with her and the *real her* wouldn’t have to have anything to do with me. I could have spend all my time with her and do many wonderful things, see different places with her, just do everything together. Only difference I’d want is her clone to be in love with me instead, since the real her isn’t. (OK, I know this last idea sounds really crazy, but it’s just a daydream)

You probably wouldn't be happy because she'd make you think of the other one too much and bring back emotions.
I've found something like a clone of my guy...close enough, anyway. He looks a lot like him, has a frighteningly similar personality, AND has the same name . While I can't help but be curious about him, just the fact that he remind me so much of the other one, who I'm trying not to think about, makes me want to avoid him sometimes.

I’m not sure about acting crazy like that aloud, since I still live at home, and my family would hear me. If I did pretend she were right next to me, I don’t think I could possibly yell and scream at her (I definitely wouldn’t want to in real life), even if she really did scar and hurt me, it doesn’t sound like something I could consciously do. Then again, I don’t have any other possible coping mechanisms, but I wouldn’t know what to say to her, the *pretend her* that is.

I still live with my family too, so when I started the ranting I really kept it down and didn't yell or anything. (And knew that they were all in another part of the house)
You could just say whatever comes to mind that's ever aggravated you about her or the whole situation, even similar things that you've said in your posts, and that you wish you didn't have to deal with any of this.

That is roughly the same timeframe, I have known her for over a year, and ended all contact in May, about five months ago. It sometimes feels like I’ll never get over her, since no one else has ever been there to take the place of “the girl” for me.

It sucks even more because it wasn’t like I was looking for someone when I met her, and most stories I’ve heard about love talk about “Don’t worry about looking for it, love will find you” or “You two will run or bump into each other when you least expect it”, just another reason why I foolishly thought we were meant to be. And now that I realize I’m not with her, I can see just how miserable and alone I can be.

I know exactly what you mean. I wasn't looking for someone either, and it was completely unexpected, so I thought it was supposed to end up meaning something and being more than it was. On the other hand it also seemed like the whole thing never should've happened, because things kept happening all along the way that would prevent me from being around him. Eventually I would be, of course, but I had to go through a big run around every time....so I think really I wasn't supposed to be around him as much as I was, but I just kept pushing it since I wanted to be.

Since I have always been mostly an introverted person, I know what it is like to live in my own “bubble world”, so to speak, and now that she came along into it and then “popped it”, I realize just how lonely I was, and find myself thinking how could I have ever been happy before?

Like you said, I don’t know if she ever really *cared* about me in any form. While my inexperience probably does contribute to this huge, long slump I feel I’m in, I find it hard to have hope that things will get better, since no one has really expressed interest in me before or after I met her (I suppose even during the time I’ve been in her company, because she said she was never attracted to me in the slightest).

There will be others, believe me. You just have to start to get your "glow" back. Thing is after my whole mess I don't think guys were noticing me really because I was in a slump and my personality wasn't the same, but as soon as I started to realize I could find better and started to get past it all a bit I've had guys take interest. Granted, so far they haven't been my type of guys, BUT they were still interested so that's a good sign.

I'm sorta out of suggestions, but do whatever you have to do to help get you out of the slump, whether it's go to the gym and take it out on a punching bag, or just get more involved in things you're interested in. Keep in mind that anything that you do that just helps for a few hours you should still keep doing. It's really going to be like therapy sessions in that you can't go in for just a couple and give up since it isn't seeming to help right away; you have to keep going in order to get past the issue. So stick with anything that helps and you'll feel better through time. I still have a ways to go myself, but I'm a heck of a lot better now than I was even several weeks ago.

One good thing is that you broke all contact with her so you can actually move on. At first it seems impossible not to talk to them and that you don't know what you'll do without them in your life, but you'll usually be better off if they're completely out of your life versus if they're still there and pop up occasionally.