Feeling old and broken hearted

[judiep]

Hi all! First let me say I am 52 years old I divorced my husband of 25 years 2 years ago, and although that was difficult it was my decision, I felt there was greener grass on the other side. Nothing compared to or prepared me for the pain I am in now. I met a man last year online and thought this could finally be what I was looking for. He was handsome owned his own home on a lake, (he also had some rental properties) we fell for each other instantly we went fishing, hiking ,gardening we both agreed we felt very comfortable together, and although many red flags began to pop up I just pushed them aside, and jumped in with both feet and gave it my all. It was soon apparent that erectile dysfunction was a problem and he didn't like to cuddle or kiss. Still I looked past it and focused on all of his good qualities. He lived an hour and a half a way and I worked evenings but I was there every spare minute as he told me he missed me when I wasn't there. Another red flad was that he never came to my place, granted it was a apartment not a house on a lake, but it was a hour and a half away... After about six months things were at there peak he told me he loved me and he could see being with me for a long time. However from that point on I could sense something was not right After 8 months I confronted him with "what's wrong" it was very clear that I was doing all the work in the relationship and he was giving nothing. He said I wasn't the first woman who complained about his lack of affections and he promised he would try harder, the next time I saw him he assured me he loved me and that he just had a hard time showing it. Then he talked about me moving in with him I was hessitant stating I didn't want to ruin a good thing, but if I did move in I would be happy to pay for the groceries, electricity etc.. Then a few weeks later during a phone call he said why don't you move in with me I'll only charge you $500.00 a month, I charged my last girlfriend $400.00 but that was ten years ago. I was devastated because now it felt like he was looking for another tenent not a loving relationship. He then said if things don't work out, what the heck. I then said "no I would be devastated". From that point on things deteriorated, realistically I should have told him to "F" himself but I kept hanging in there giving it my all. The last weekend I was there he never touched me plus was getting irritated over every little thing I did. I slept in the guest room as I could not stand his behavior and thought he might feel bad and come in and try to talk to me. When I woke up the next morning, and saw he made no attempt to talk to me, I said "Look it takes 2 people to be in a relationship I'm bending over backwards here and you're doing nothing" Then I said do you even want to be in a relationship? He just said "it's not working out" I jumped up packed my things and left. I was numb, for 10 months my life was his life and he just cast me aside . He later told me on the phone ( of course I called him, he never called me)that when I told him on the phone I would be devastated if the relationship didn't work out, that it was like putting a plastic bag over his head and squeezing his throat. I told him when he wanted to charge me $500.00 rent it was like he took a knife and stuck it in my heart. To add insult to injury he tried to say we had no chemisrty, and that if a relationship is going to work it just happens and feels right, that you don't have to work at it, I told him I think we had chemistry otherwise it wouldn't have lasted 10 months, what it didn't have was communication , and relationships don't work without communication, the best relationships work because they can talk to each other and we didn't know how to talk to each other. In the end though I just know I'm left with a broken heart, and am having a real hard time dealing with rejection as I put so much into this. If anyone has actually spent the time and read this I will be surprised, if you have any words of comfort I'd appreciate it. Negative comments are not neccessary I give enough of them to myself all the time. Thanks, Jude

[vashti]

He didn't sound like a prince by any stretch of the imagination, but if you were otherwise okay with him, I don't know why you just didn't say "no thanks" when he offered to let you move in for $500/month.

Anyway, at this point, it is probably best you didn't waste any more time on him, anyway. It doesn't look like it was heading anywhere...

[IndiReloaded]

Well, I would say don't be too hard on yourself. You were married for a long time. 'Off the market for a while', as they say, so you probably ignored or missed the red flags that a more experienced dater would have picked up on. Chalk it up to experience & don't be quite so ready to give your heart next time.

[ExpoNovak]

Hmmm..

I'm looking at the fact that you had a 25 year marriage dissolve quite recently and I'm wondering if your pain over this man's emotional rejection might be at least partially carried over from some unresolved issues in your marriage.

Possible?

[Gigabitch]

Judie, he was just your rebound guy. Everyone has impaired judgment coming out of an important relationship, and you're just going about the very natural process of finding your own balance again.

You should have seen the guy I rebounded onto after I got divorced. What a chode.

Get up, dust yourself off, and understand that you've gone through a rite of passage. Now you can look forward. Believe me, in another two years, this guy will look very different to you.