am I a bad husband?

[imjustme]

I found this nice forum while searching for an answer to my problems, so I'm hoping someone can help me.

I'm 25 and my wife is 24, we've been married for nearly 2 years. I work at home pretty much all day (home-based internet business) and bring in all the money, all I expect my wife to do is the household like the dishes, laundry, cleaning and cooking. We have only a small house with 2 bedrooms, no children, etc. Just a small puppy dog. I work pretty much 14-16 hours and many times late into the night to make enough money to support us. My wife doesn't work, even though she finished university.

She had several job offers, but she didn't accept them because she wants to stay home and do the household. That's fine with me ...if she would do it!! When our relationship began, she did indeed do it, but in the past months it has been steadily going downwards.

The dishes are piling up and are standing for 2 days until they stink. She does the laundry only once a week and only once I'm completely out of shirts and start to complain that I have nothing to wear. In a week, she cooks an average of 2 meals for me.

Most of her time is being spent going to the cinema or shopping with her sister and cousins and laying on the bed watching movies.

This evening (at 8pm), I called her while she was at her sister's house watching a movie and asked her to come home to take care of the puppy dog and cook something for dinner for me. She said she already cooked pork and rice at her sister's house and wasn't hungry. I haven't eaten and was starving from working all day. She finally came home at 9pm, walked into the kitchen, put a pan with hot water on and poured some instant soup in it. Then she went into the bedroom and turned on the TV.

That's when I nearly exploded. I threw it in her face that she could cook at her sister's house almost every day and usually several meals in one evening but that she would only cook an instant soup for her husband that works all day. And that I was only asking her to do the household so I wouldn't have to work all day, wash my own shirts, cook my own food and also take care of the puppy dog as well.

She then got angry at me and said that I was being completely unreasonable and that she was doing a lot more work than I think and we ended up having a huge fight. As I write this, she locked herself in the bedroom and is once again watching a movie, while I need to once again cook my own dinner, take care of the puppy dog and on top try to find the time to do my work so we have some money at the end of the month.

I walked to the grocery store 2 kilometers last night and did all the shopping, while she stayed home watching TV. I put the bags in the kitchen and went to work. As of this evening, everything that didn't need to go into the fridge is still standing on the kitchen counter in the bags, she didn't even bother taking it out.

Am I a bad husband in asking my wife to do the household if she doesn't want to work anything? Am I really that unreasonable if she takes 2 days to wash the dishes, rarely cooks a meal for me or only washes once a week?

I want this relationship to work, but I have no idea how and without getting angry, nothing seems to get done.

[Gigabitch]

Your marriage is all ****ed up. I don't know if it's because you're a bad husband, though. I don't think what you're asking is unreasonable in the least.

That doesn't really matter though. Whose fault it is is much less important than the fact that your wife is locked in the bedroom right now, and I don't think any amount of finger-pointing is going to help.

To me, it sounds like she's depressed. She's educated and yet has no intention of using it? WTF is that all about?

I hope you and she were very, very clear about what the division of labor was to be when you started living together. If you were, then she's clearly not holding up her end of the bargain. If a lot of this is just assumed, you may have a bigger problem.

I don't think the stay-at-home wife thing works when the husband is home all day. When I was married, my husband quit his job and started his own business. It was the beginning of the end for us, I think. At that point, I was pretty much a housewife and I suddenly had no desire whatsoever to do anything around the house. He was in my hair all the time. I got a job. We started going out to dinner every night and I hired a maid.

I think your wife should get a job. I also think you should have more than seven shirts.

[Jimmy1218]

LOL, your wife should have a job and do some housework...its just a responsibility.

[Ellynn]

I agree with the others. I think she is depressed. I think she needs to get OUT of the house and interact w/ other people at a job.

I think she also needs to at least start doing some of the work around the house. You have to meet each other half way. Put yourselves in charge of certain duties. Also, be a little self-sufficient. It takes a few seconds to put a load of laundry in the washer(if your so concerned with not having shirts). (Wait 30 min). Then go downstairs and put it in the dryer. (Wait an hr or so.) and then bring the clothes up and fold them. That is something you can do while working at home. I think if you have time to bitch about it, then you should have time to quick take care of that.
As for the other stuff, you just need to work that out. I know my sis and her husband (they both work)used to sit there and argue over the dishes. They were both stubborn and let them sit. Before you know it, they had flies and bugs and a huge pile of dirty dishes... It's funny how now they seem to clean up after themselves, instead of leaving it for the other person.

Sometimes, you just have to take over and do it yourself if YOU want something done right away.

[misombra]

i would hate to be 24 and subject to a life of housework for my work-at-home husband. there is so much more to life, and she's probably just beginning to see this. i would further hate to feel like i had to cook for you every night and clean everything. and if my husband called me at my sisters house and told me to come home and take care of our dog (it's not like she has to breast feed the dog, right?) and cook him dinner i would feel like i made a big mistake. house work is a lot more work than sitting in front of a computer all day. it further sucks to be doing laborious housework while your husband sits around and complains.

i wouldn't say you're a bad husband, i think you're just expecting too much out of a 24 year old american girl who just graduated from college. you need a maid, not a wife.

[Dave4586]

she need to get out and get a job and that goes for you too trying to help

[Gigabitch]

(it's not like she has to breast feed the dog, right?)

That made me laugh so much my stomach hurts.

[vashti]

Somehow I doubt we are getting the full picture here, but this is what I think: whoever said she is probably trying to escape the house because you are home is probably correct. Nothing sours a relationship faster than too much contact. Do you have an office outside the home, or something? Or maybe you can go work remotely from the library a few times a week?

I think doing laundry once a week is normal. As for the dog - is it yours or hers? Whoever wanted the dog should care for it. Period.

Why are you asking your wife to cook a separate meal for you if she is already cooking at her sister's? Why don't you just go eat there if you know she is cooking, or ask her to bring you home a plate?

I'm a little confused about the dishes... how are you getting so many dishes if she isn't doing any cooking? And I have to say, when I cook dinner, my husband and/or kids generally wash the dishes. If no formal meal has been planned, everyone is responsible for loading their own dishes in the dishwasher, even the kids.

Even if she isn't working outside the home, she isn't a servant. That she doesn't seem to want to do these minor things for you makes me wonder how you make her feel about herself... I bet misombra hit the nail on the head. Maybe some positive reinforcement might help. Be sweet. When she cooks two nights in a row, tell her how much you love her cooking, but that you know she could use a break, and take her out.

[imjustme]

i wouldn't say you're a bad husband, i think you're just expecting too much out of a 24 year old american girl who just graduated from college. you need a maid, not a wife.

hm...what makes you think she's american? anyways, it's 5am and I should go sleep. will answer in more details tomorrow!

[misombra]

oh. i was just assuming and making an ass out of myself i guess. it's just such an american girl thing to do.

anyway, did you read anything else i wrote?

[Charlie Boy II]

If I was supporting a college educated female with no kids and who refused to get a job and she left dishes in the sink for days on end I'd hit the ****ing roof.

Actually I saw this situation first hand in my old place. My mate's girl who lived with us wouldn't get a job, not because she was depressed but because she was a lazy, mopey bitch who knew she could get away with it. Even she did housework though.

[jurupa]

If I was supporting a college educated female with no kids and who refused to get a job and she left dishes in the sink for days on end I'd hit the ****ing roof.

I agree.


imjustme - We are only getting one side of the story here. But from what you said, it seems to me that you need to sit down with her and ask her if she still wants to be in the marriage or not, as well as explain how you feel about the various things and what you think about the situation.

[muspi_2000]

nope, your demands arent unreasonable at all, its just basic common sense. As with wht the others say, its possible she might be depressed, shes certainly showing the signs of it. And i say this frm experience with my own wife. Im 24, recently married but we've been on and off together since we were 16 when we had a baby and what youre experiencing with your wife now is pretty much the same with what i went through. I know its cliche to say but if her good outweighs her bad, help and stick through it..if not, i think your relationship is kinda done.