Am I crazy??? Please help!!!

[nuttybuddy]

Hello everyone,

This is will be a long post. Please bear with me. I donno if I'm posting in the right area....

I have a problem with my bf's "best friend" who is a girl. He used to have a major crush on her back in college, but after he got rejected, he stayed away from her for about a year and then accepting that she was going out with some guy, he became friends with her again. Ever since then, he's been friends with her. She's now single again.

My bf and I have dated for about a year, then broke up, and then got back together. We are trying harder to work on this new relationship and so far, it's been ok. But there are times when I get uncomfortable...

I really don't mean to make a big deal out of every little thing... but as many times as I overlooked it, I just couldn't do it anymore. He calls it "C-isms" (Her name is C) and he says things that she says alllll the time. It drives me insane cuz I feel like he has bonded with her so tightly that he's adopted her language. Like tonight, things would have been perfectly normal and fine if at the end of the conversation, he did not say it. He said, "No bueno." (That's a phrase I found out that she says all the time in this cutesy way.) After we hung up, those words just hit a nerve in me and I had to finally tell him. I called back and told him in so many words. He admitted it was a phrase he got from C. He now agreed not to say it, but he was quiet. And I was pretty uncomforted that he didn't say anything to make sure I was feeling comfortable. (I guess it's again my folly of focusing what "I need" and what "I want." But I didn't make that an issue. It's something I need to personally work on.) So his silence made me uncertain about how he was feeling. Therefore, I asked. I told him this is the part where he needs to work on his communication. He said he knew, but he didn't have anything to say. (I couldn't understand how he couldn't have anything to say if he understood that I was not pleased from the remote 2 minutes ago.) I guess, if a guy was a good communicator, he would try to talk things out. He would try to verbalize how he's feeling and also verbalize how I might be feeling. Well, my bf is definitely not there yet. So he was pretty silent. When I asked him how he honestly felt about the whole thing, he said it sucked. He said that "it was limiting his vocabulary which wasn't even his to begin with since he borrowed it from her," but that he "would try not to use it because I don't like it." He then asked how I felt, and I said that I felt better but that I didn't know what to do. And after a long pause he asked, "what to do about what?" and I explained that I didn't know if he would only get frustrated because he cannot use the words. And he simply replied, "Only time will tell!" And he admitted somewhere that even though he would try not to say them, that sometimes it may slip out here and there. I thanked him and told him that I appreciated it. And I kept him up long enough. He was getting displeased about the lack of sleep cuz he had to wake up at 5am and it was already getting close to 10pm. After we hung up, a few minutes later, I had to call him back again. I wasn't sure if he would pick up the phone, but he did. He didn't sound annoyed or angry. ( Whew! Thank goodness ) I prefaced what I wanted to say with "I didn't want to bring this topic up again after you get back from work, so I want it to be over and done with and I just wanted to say that I don't want you to use those words with just her either." he answered, "uh huh." with a positive tone. I assumed that he understood why I was requesting this as well. So I tried to make sure, "Is that ok?" and he was simply "Ok" and I told him, "I'm sorry for being so crazy." and I guess he thought about the word "crazy" for a bit, then said, "ok." So I apologized again and he again said, "ok" And becuase his answers were so terse, I knew I was keeping him up more than he ever wanted to stay up, so I quickly had to let him go before I pushed him too far. I said "bye" and he said "good night."

Talk about psychotic... huh? But what could I do???? EVERY time he says those words that I know she uses, it makes me think how much he still thinks she's so cute and lovable.

And on this confrontation, in the very beginning, I asked him if he would be just honest with me and tell me how he feels about C. He said, "same as how I always felt." So I had to ask, "which is??" And he said, "She's one of my closest friends." (I don't remember if he added "and that's it.") I think I was afraid to probe any further in fear of making him realize that there might be more than just a feeling of friendship.

I later concluded the conversation with, I have guy friends too, so I understand that C is your friend, but she can't be one of your best friends. He seemed to willingly agree without hesitation. I donno if his brain was on cruise control and was by now just saying anything I wanted to hear just so that he could be let go to go to sleep. But I hope not. And I don't think he would do that. So I think he understands a little about the boundaries between a guy and a girl's friendship. I just hope he'll understand more of it as he matures and will willingly draw clear lines rather than being forced to by me. (If I stick around him long enough.) I mean.... already, he's probably thinking that I've started the process of changing him again. And this time, it's not about manners, but limiting words! I just hope he doesn't think all of this negatively. At least, from what I perceive, I don't think he's taking it negatively.

So people, I just wanted to ask: Is my bf retarded or am I crazy? Did I do right by confronting him? Was there a better way to tell him all this? Or do you think I should have just stayed quiet? Please help!

[vashti]

I don't think this is your boyfriend's problem. You are jealous and controlling (this isn't really about language at all). People mimic other people's language all the time... that is how language is learned, if you think about it.

I can't see how your being this controlling will be a good thing. Even if you get what you think it is you want, you are left with a boyfriend that is too easily controlled.

[nuttybuddy]

We used to have a healthier relationship in the very beginning when we first started dating. I knew he was very into me, so I didn't care how much he talked to C. But after the break up... knowing that he really meant to leave me for good, I can't seem to trust him like I used to. He's also told me that he isn't sure if he would wanna marry me in the future cuz he doesn't know if someone better might come along. It hurts. And that's why I guess I am so sensitive to the possibility of him leaving me.

[ExpoNovak]

First of all, your issue with your boyfriend is not his use of this girl's language--its that his use of those things make ever more present the close relationship he shares with a woman other than you.

Did he want her? Yes. Does he still want her? Probably. That is the thing you want most forcibly for him to convince you otherwise, isn't it? You want him to sit you down, look you in the eyes, tell you he wouldn't touch her if she was the last woman on earth and mean it. You live every day with that gnawing feeling that if she wanted him, he would drop you in an instant.

You are in a rather sticky situation. I would be hard pressed to call what you feel insecurity. I'd be more tempted to call it good sense. You KNOW you are in a situation which could end up hurting you badly, you're just going about fixing it the wrong way. On one hand, you can't demand he stop being friends with her because then you make yourself look psycho (and asking him to stop using her "lingo" doesn't help you in that department). On the other hand, you can't really turn a blind eye to someone who can, at any moment, endanger your relationship.

Let me tell you first that there is no "I wanted her but she rejected me and now we are just bff forever". Um...not quite. Have you been up front with your boyfriend? Have you told him straight up how you feel instead of hinting around? Men are not psychic and we do not read minds. We can't "feel you out" when it comes to feelings and most of the time we don't realize we are supposed to be trying until its too late. Yeah, sure, he might hold a candle for her but you are the girlfriend. Until you sit down and hash it ALL out one on one you're never going to get this out of your system. Once you are sure once and for all that it is you he wants and JUST you, it won't matter one way or the other whose words he uses.

But be careful. Not trying to scare you, but I think you have just cause to feel nervous and to explore this to its fullest extent. Best of luck.

[Gigabitch]

Oh, God, I wish you could magically turn back the clock and take back that stuff you said about him not being able to use "C-isms". That was a terrible mistake. Not only was it just plain wrong to try to limit what he could and could not say, it also made you look like an insecure mess. Well, you are an insecure mess, but that shouldn't be his problem, or even his business.

You've basically acknowledged to him that you find C. threatening. That's really unfortunate, because I'm afraid it will cause him to find her even more attractive. Humans are, basically, animals, and you've just gone belly-up in front of a rival for your mate.

Oops.

Your relationship is going in the wrong direction, and you seem to think that the way to turn it around is to grab at it desperately with clawed fingers. Wrong. You're making yourself as unattractive as possible, here. You want to lure him into the future with you, not chase him there with a rolled-up newspaper.

You should change your whole approach to this guy. Even if it doesn't work out with him, a different skill set would serve you well. Stop accusing and directing. Stop reacting to everything he does. Be the person you want to be and hope he catches up.

That's the best any of us can do, really.

[nuttybuddy]

Hey expoNovac,

What you said... made me tremble...
"Did he want her? Yes. Does he still want her? Probably. That is the thing you want most forcibly for him to convince you otherwise, isn't it? You want him to sit you down, look you in the eyes, tell you he wouldn't touch her if she was the last woman on earth and mean it. You live every day with that gnawing feeling that if she wanted him, he would drop you in an instant."

It is my worst fear.......
That is the root of the angst I have...........
And he's not willing to say that I am the one and only girl for him...... I guess it's these psychotic dramas that make him doubt about me........... It's like a cycle....... If ONLY HE WOULD just tell me that I am the only girl for him...... the cycle would stop..... won't it???? But why doesn't he say that? Cuz he's not sure if the cycle would stop? He doesn't want to feel like he's chained up by saying such a thing?

yeah... i need to talk to him.......... what makes it even worse is that we're in a long distance relationship. and he's no where even near C. so i think he could possibly think that this is crazy.

i was thinking about taking back what i said to him..... and telling him that it's not fair that i limited his words..... and that i will try to change........... and although that may diffuse the fire a little...... just as giga said..... now he's aware of the fact that i feel threatened by C. so he may now start directing MORE attention to her.

i hate this. it's like i'm unable to redeem myself.... he's been a nice guy to give us another chance at our relationship.... but i guess i shouldn't be surprised if he decides that this really crossed the line. i guess if he does break up with me.... it's better sooner than later. but i have a feeling he won't break up with me and will try to go on giving what i requested a shot at it. he's like that...... either, A)he's just super nice, or B)he's super in love with me, or C)super desperately lonely.... i'd like to believe B.... but i think the truth is closer to C.

[ExpoNovak]

Look in the mirror. Do you have "Welcome" written across your forehead? No? In that case perhaps its time to stop catering to this guy. If he refuses to tell you that you are the only girl for him and you fear that he's only with you because you requested a second shot and he is just a "nice guy" or he is really lonely then its time to reevaluate YOU.

No offense, but it sounds to me like you have serious self-esteem issues. If you are in a long distance relationship with him and he wants to get off the phone with you at 10 because he has to work at 5 then I don't think you have much of a relationship left.

Drop this wishy washy loser, get a makeover or haircut or whatever it is that girls do to feel better about themselves and go find a new man. Case closed. This guy is going to cause you more pain than pleasure anyway. Love yourself and spare yourself that.

Oh and..

Be the person you want to be and hope he catches up

Listen to that. It's about the wisest thing I've ever heard.

[vashti]

Sorry, nutty, but even after the last few posts, I STILL think this is your problem. I haven't seen any reason to believe "C" is actively pursuing your boyfriend, and quite honestly, it sounds like you are nagging. You are gonna have to work on your self esteem, because that is the key to you being less clingy.

How old are you both?

[Junket]

I agree with the above.

[Michael6084]

hey nuttybuddy i remember talking to you before, but i'm at least glad you know that you have things to work on on your own.

there are so many girls that i know that have that "i do not make mistakes" type of attitude and they are blind.

but yeah, i'll be honest like before and say that you need to check yourself.

i say you should find a new guy or something, but learn from this experience, know what im saying? find a new guy but put effort into fixing some of the things you need to fix so your next bf doesnt go through this and end up like your current bf/ex-bf or whatever.

[IndiReloaded]

This sounds familiar...

He probably loves C in some form. That makes your insides turn to liquid, yes?

Stop hounding him. He has the right to love whoever he wants. If its her, tough for you but its not *your* problem to fix. If he doesn't (sorry, doubt it from what you've said), that no guarantee you're the one, esp w/how you've been treating him. Next step? If you like this fellow then be yourself as Giga said & hope he grows to find you more attractive.

Or dump him if you think his feelings are already given elsewhere and won't change. That's totally your option & noone would blame you for it.

[Dave4586]

i agree form the above too

[Jimmy1218]

I agree with the form above.

[Jessi]

well ... i think that a boy and a girl can`t be friends, so i understand your reaction ..... i've had a boyfriend who had a close friend too, and i was in the same problem that u are now , he isn't my boyfriend any more and now i "hate" that girl ...
i'm sorry i can't help u ...
the only thing u can do is just trust in what ur bf says..

[nuttybuddy]

Thanks everyone for responding.

To update you guys:

I've been reading a lot and thinking a lot, and I decided that it is unfair of me to limit his words. So I told him that I won't do that. I told him that I don't think it's fair to him. And I told him that I will try to change. I really had no idea what his reaction would be. But he immediately replied back saying "I'll try to change too." So, that was unexpected. I was really thankful that he said that and said, "Thank you, I appreciate that." I hope he doesn't think I was trying to be manipulative... cuz I wasn't. I really wanted for him to be free and do what he wants.

And for myself, I'm learning to hold a looser grip on him. Because it's a long distance relationship, so far it doesn't really feel all too different from being good friends who talk on the phone everyday. So, I think I can slowly mentally and emotionally try to detach from him.... I think it's healthier for me that way.

So, whether the truth may be that he still has feelings for C or not.... I want to reach a point where I'll accept his rejection gracefully if he decides that she or any other woman is someone he would rather chase after.

My goal is to love him as a friend rather than a bf. This way, if he leaves me, I want to be happy for him and I will also be secure in knowing that he just wasn't for me.

But it sounds like, I'm only waiting for him to leave me, huh? Like, yall are wondering, why don't I just leave him? I may.... when the time is right. Right now, I am still trying to mature emotionally.... I think in time... things will be clearer.

Thank u all for your input. I may post some topics again in the future since I'm in such an immature relationship and I don't know what I'm doing. And if you don't mind, please don't give up on me.