In love and confused

[CrazyLove1]

Hi,

I'm married but I've fallen in love with a girl that works at the gym I go to. I never intended it to happen but somehow it did. I'm not interested in a full-blown relationship because I don't want to wreck my marriage, I still love my wife too. Anyway, this girl has a boyfriend amd is a wonderful girl, we have great talks and laughs and so I think she likes me a lot too. I've gotten lots of signs from her that this is so, there have been many times where we've exchanged looks across the room and then she'd look down and smile, she lets me stay after closing time while she cleans up and we talk, she offered me this but to no one else, she's told me even her pet name what her boyfriend calls her but not to other guys. This may all be friendliness, but there have been other looks that can be anything else (in my eyes) than something more, once she walked across the room smiling at me all the way, she looked down in the middle (still smilling) and then looked back up at me and over her shoulder still smiling (a 15 foot walk!), another time I mentioned to her the fact my wife wanted me to join another gym with her, she got kind of serious and said something like " this can't be for real, right?", we both immediately figured out some reasons for me to stay, later she came over and was standing a few feet away talking to another member, then our eyes locked for 2-3 seconds and her eyes got big and she had either a sad or scared look. I am positive here how she looked at me, I didn't just imagine what I wanted to see

Anyway, now things have changed a bit, we still talk fine (if anything better than ever) but she avoids eye contact from across the room , but while we talk she seems very relaxed and chatty. Recently I took it to another level and told her I find her very attractive. At first she seemed to think I was joking and then said something like , "this is crazy, you should be telling this to your wife" (she's right too), then she said " I like you but I want to stay just friends" , she also said she thought before that I might find her attractive (she obvoiusly could tell) but she hoped it wasn't true. I confronted her the next week to ask what she meant by she hoped it wasn't true but she claimed she couldn't remember what she said because it was too hot. Hmmm....

Now we still talk pretty normal, I sense some tension but that might be my imagination. So, I think the reason for her behavior is, to me it seems very clear that she likes me a lot, even possibly more than just friends although that's what she said. But she realized what was happening , maybe how she felt about me, and became afraid of what might happen if things get too hot, my marriage could be ruined, her relationship with her boyfriend also which to me seems like she wouldn't want to risk. But I also think she doesn't want to risk me not being able to see her anymore. So I think she wants to keep things "as is", that's my she's pushed me off a bit and no longer gives flirty looks.

I've decided I'm going to try to keep things "as is" too because I'm also afraid what might happen if it gets out of control.

I'd be grateful if you could tell me what you think, am I just imagining it and she doesn't like me like I think, or is she just not so flirty now because she's protecting herself because she knows it wouldn't work and would just end up a mess. Any extra hints would be a great help. Thanks!

[vashti]

I think you should join the other gym with your wife and stay away from this one.

I also think you misread this girl. She may have initially enjoyed the flirting, but she CLEARLY isn't interested in pursuing anything with you.

[Junket]

or is she just not so flirty now because she's protecting herself because she knows it wouldn't work and would just end up a mess.

Don't you think you should be doing the same?

[DoesntMatter]

Don't you think you should be doing the same?

Touche.......

[Gigabitch]

Well, you should be thankful that one of you, at least, is trying to stop this trainwreck.

I'm with Vashti. Go join the other gym with your wife.

[lovesjoyajm]

Wow, this exact same thing happened to me last week, only I was the girl at the gym. Not technically at a gym, of course. Anyway, everyone's right - she was enjoying the flirting but as soon as she realized you actually had feelings for her or something, she came to her senses and realized that she'd been leading you on, and doesn't want to do it anymore. Stop going to the gym, no good will come of it.

[Tigger_]

yup, go jog instead...!!

[Ellynn]

Even though it can be fun to flirt, most of the time nothing is meant to come out of it. It's just fun....with no intent behind it. This is how it should be for you seeing that you're married. So, take this as a sign that its time to re-evalute your relationship with your wife and consider putting your time and energy and focus on her instead of random girls at the gym.

[CrazyLove1]

Thanks for your advice, it's been really helpful. I feel better already! I feel like I can have her just as a friend although it won't be easy at first. But I don't have much other choice other than leaving the gym. And I don't want that and I don't think she does either. I definitely want to keep her as a friend. But if I can't handle it, I'll leave or go on the days when she isn't there (she has a pretty fixed schedule).

One thing I'm still very interested in knowing though is whether she had/or still has feelings for me, somehow I still think she does but has managed to control them. I still can't explain that stare any other way, a good 2-3 second DIRECT stare with a very serious, sad expression. I mean other stuff I can explain as flirting but that is something else in my eyes. Like I said before, she immediately thought of reasons why I shouldn't leave, and this was I'd say 3-4 months ago. And then she came up with another reason a few weeks ago! This was also a while after she stopped with the flirting smiles too.

I guess what I want to hear is she has/had feelings for me but because of the situation, she wants to stay just friends. That is how I read the situation but you guys can be more objective than me for sure. Having someone say something like that to you is a wonderful feeling and I think I could be content to hear that and stay as friends. Anything else would be , as Gigabitch :-) put it, a trainwreck which I don't want.

[Gigabitch]

No, you can't have her as a friend. Don't make me smack you in the nose with a rolled-up magazine, you bad dog.

You have a mutual attraction. That spells doom for friendship. DOOM!

[Lynx3]

After reading the first 3 sentences and figuring out that you love your wife, and she has a boyfriend, I decided to stop reading your story and gives you this advice: An All-man gym or an mp3 player

[Junket]

You dumbass, you can't have her as a friend?

Are you really that insecure?

What's your wife's e-mail address?

I'd like to know how she feels about all of this.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, you should be thankful that one of you, at least, is trying to stop this trainwreck.

I'm with Vashti. Go join the other gym with your wife.

Do you really need anyone else to tell you you're being stupid & selfish??

You can't have a wife & a girlfriend on the side, lol! This is NOT about wanting to be her *friend*.

Or, mbe I'm wrong. Mbe you can have both. But you'll have to ask your wife first and see what she says....

[misombra]

if my bf was willing to join the gym with me i would be so happy.

[Sybella]

Ok...if you really love this girl you need to do whats best for her even if it isn't what you want. When you got married you promised to love and honor your wife until death do you part. I don't think she would be too honored to know that your attracted to another female. I know I would be very hurt if my bf ever so much as considered being attracted to another girl.

I would recommend you leave that gym and stop hanging out with this girl if you truly "love" her as you say.

Love is doing what is best for the person you love even if it hurts them and/or you.