Dating long term friend w/ VERY, VERY scandalous past - should I bring it up?

[2and2is5]

Hello, this is a bit of a doozy and I'm trying to come to terms w/ what I should do w/ this situation before I move further w/ this relationship.

I have been dating a long term friend of 10 years for nearly 6 months now and I have to say it's been nothing but wonderful and I get the feeling she's madly in love w/ me and I am feeling quite the same. We dated very briefly about 10 years ago and she broke it off after 4 weeks but we've been pretty close friends ever since. Since we've been friends, she's had 2 pregnancies w/ 2 different guys (w/ the possibility of the 2 being from 3 possible choices). She lost her first baby which was very premature and only survived a few days. The said "father" of that baby was a guy she had dated for 2 years.

Now - here's the clincher. About a month after she lost her baby, I spoke to her over the phone and she confided in me that she didn't know whether the father was her boyfriend or HER BOSS'S!!! Now, this happened about 6-7 years ago and I remember every word she said because the news was like a lightning bolt. At that point, she had helped this guys start a company and had worked w/ him for at least 3 years. I asked her if she liked him and she said at one point she was way into him even though he was married w/ 2 kids. She said she was relieved to tell someone and I have a feeling I am one of the only people she told. She also said she had to stop the relationship immediately. I asked her how she met this guy in the first place and she wouldn't tell me. I suspect it must have been a sex site or dating site. I have never spoken to her about the incident ever again and I don't know if she even remembered telling me as she was in a huge depression after losing her baby. One of the biggest things that bothers me is the fact that her boyfriend seemed to care about her and the baby quite a bit and I don't think he ever found out that there was a question that he was the real father.

After that, we kept in touch via email and phone calls. At one point about 5 years ago, we had hung out for a 6 month period as FWB. In the past, whenever we would be getting a bit close, she would stop contacting me and could often be quite mean about breaking off contact. I always took it in stride and would go off and date other people.

She currently is a single mother to a boy who is nearly 4 years old. The father is completely out of the picture and she still works at the same company she helped start w/ the guy she was having an affair w/.

Back in October of 2006, we started hanging out quite a bit and it became apparent she liked me a lot more than FYB. I was very surprised she was starting to fall for me and I was very apprehensive about it for the first 3 months because I was expecting her to disappear like she usually did. Although, I know about her past, I have seen she's a very different person and has said so herself stating that having a child was a major change in her life. I have fallen pretty deeply in love w/ her as well and I have to say things are going amazingly well. I have been looking for signs that she may be hiding something but, at every turn, I can't find any sign of scandal, lies, or anything but her being 100% about me. Believe me, I've been looking everywhere for signs of her hiding something and I can't find anything. We get along better than any other girlfriend I have ever had, are alike in so many ways, and have many, many of the same interests. We always have a great time hanging out together.

The only time we have had problems is when she found out I was still in contact out w/ my ex (completely platonic)and freaked out because I told her I wasn't. I admit this was deceptive behavior on my part and it's been a rough few weeks trying to get through this. The thing that gets me is that she acted as if she had never experienced such deceptive behavior from a boyfriend and acted like she expected the most pure and moral behavior in a relationship. It took everything in me to not bring all this up.

I want to work this relationship out and my gut feeling tells me that she has no relationship w/ her boss anymore than work and friendship. Still, there are some other weird things. He comes and takes her son to church every Sunday and has set up a savings account for him. She also sent me a picture of her the other day of her as a teenager that her boss just happened to find on the work file server. He is the most understanding, and accomadating boss I've practically ever witnessed and treats her more like a daughter than a co-worker.

We're now getting along so well and I am completely attached to her but I'm getting to the point where I feel I have to get the 100% full story before I take this relationship any further. It's really starting to get to me.

I believe people can change drastically as they get older, especially after a life changing event like having children, but how much faith should I put into this idea?

[meh]

You should bring it up with her, tell her about your concerns (I'd tell her that I'm more curious rather than considering it as something to determine if you continue the relationship) and try to find out all you can from her.

Open communication is most important in a relationship, and if you can't talk to her about it, then you'll run into bigger problems down the line.

[anachronistic]

don't ask something that you don't want to know.

[2and2is5]

Thanks for the advice so far. I'm thinking about seeing a counselor on this issue too. I need to think this out good and long before I act.

I do feel like I should be able to bring this up to her at some point and tell her I want to know where everything's at, where everything's been and that I want to work through it.

I don't want to have it come out in the middle of a fight where it would not be dealt w/ constructively. I know I would do this eventually, because she acts like the most moral person on the planet whenever the topic of cheating comes up.

I do feel this is quite the scandal because since I've known her, she's had about 4 LTR and I think this relationship w/ her boss has been in the background for all of them or nearly all of them. And the fact that a guy may have been duped into believing he was the father of her child when there was a good chance he wasn't - that's hard to stomach.

I want this to work out and I feel, if she would be honest about that relationship, I could work through it no problem.

[vashti]

I think it is good they maintain a good relationship if he and the child believe they are related. It would be the best thing for the child. Don't be making trouble where there isn't any. If you find her past distasteful, then move on, but don't wreck one of the sole sources of stability for this child.

[2and2is5]

The point here is the the level of deception I'm afraid I might be dealing w/. What she basically admitted to me that night was that for years she was dating different guys while this strange relationship w/ her boss was going on the whole time. He's been married the whole time w/ and has two kids of his own. She may have had a child w/ this guy while working for him. And to take this to an even more insane level, this second child may be his too?

It scares me that she it almost seemed that she was in denial to herself that this was going on the whole time.

[vashti]

Hey, I'm not saying I think her sexual irresponsibility is acceptable. I'm just saying it is what it is... you have to take her (or leave her) as is. It is possible she has outgrown this lifestyle, but maybe not. You have to decide whether or not you are willing to take a risk.

I just think that considering her instability, to try to remove this man (who has apparently been a constant for this child) would be cruel.

[Ath]

And I hate to be a pessimist.. but old habits have and can persist beyond ten years. Faith is a funny thing though. I hope it works out for ya

[Only-virgins]

don't ask something that you don't want to know.

I agree, just wait and let it hit you like a bomb one day.


By the way everyone, I am pretty sure she is still banging the boss.....sorry.

[meh]

I still say you shouldn't commit more to this relationship until you find out the truth about the things that matter to you.

This one OBVIOUSLY matters a lot to you, so I strongly advise you don't "ignore it" and take her as is without knowing how she really is. If I were you, like I said, I'd bring this concern of mine up with her - not in a jealous/angry/reproachful way though.

[2and2is5]

Thanks for the feedback - I think a calm and supportive inquiry into what happened, where the situation is now and how it makes me feel uneasy is the only way to deal w/ this. If not it will lead to sneaky behaviour on my part trying to find out what the truth is or will come out in the heat of an argument.

[vashti]

I think you might be wise to think through what end result you are looking for. If this man turns out to be the kid's father, what then? And if he isn't, are you expecting him to just go away?

[Only-virgins]

I think you might be wise to think through what end result you are looking for. If this man turns out to be the kid's father, what then? And if he isn't, are you expecting him to just go away?

You make it sound like the truth is not worth it or something. IF the guy is the father then look at these two options.

1. He knows and the guy is the father
2. He doesn't know and the guy is the father

In number two he is just ignorant of the situation.

[vashti]

No, you missed the point. Of what VALUE is the information? Does he plan to run the guy off if he is NOT the biological father, despite his having stuck around through all the men that apparently run into (and out of) this woman's life?

If this man IS the biological father, does 2and2 plan to go tell his wife, thus destroying an intact family and making it likely that dad will discontinue contact with the kid?

Honestly, I am not looking at what benefits the original poster or the woman he is dating. I am thinking about what is good for the kid because the kid's needs are more important that everyone else at this point.

[Only-virgins]

No, you missed the point. Of what VALUE is the information? Does he plan to run the guy off if he is NOT the biological father, despite his having stuck around through all the men that apparently run into (and out of) this woman's life?

If this man IS the biological father, does 2and2 plan to go tell his wife, thus destroying an intact family and making it likely that dad will discontinue contact with the kid?

Honestly, I am not looking at what benefits the original poster or the woman he is dating. I am thinking about what is good for the kid because the kid's needs are more important that everyone else at this point.

Sorry if I missed the point, but how would the man being the father destroy the family...wouldn't it make it closer?