Need relationship help urgently...I can't go on like this!

[SadHatter]

Hi,

This going to take a while, so please forgive me, but I really need some advice desperately as I am currently so unhappy it is beyond belief. If anyone would take the time to read through my whole story and give me some advice, I would be so grateful.

In September 2001, I got into a relationship with a girl and at the time she was 16-years-old and I was 19-years-old. We live about 45 minutes drive from each other, so it wasn’t ideal, but she would get the bus to mine every weekend as her mum would stay at her boyfriends most weekends, meaning that my girlfriend would be on her own at home anyway and she would rather come and stay at my house as she had gotten very close to my family and was basically a pat of the furniture!

My parents were very, very good about it and never complained that she would stay here every Friday and Saturday night, despite the fact that they would be paying for her food and some weekends we would get a takeaway and they would pay for her food etc. On Saturday’s, I would go to the football with my dad, and my girlfriend would go shopping with my mum and a lot of the time my mum would buy her a top or a skirt etc. if she saw one that she liked as my mum is a very kind person like that and they had become very close.

Me and my girlfriend were so solid and everyday we would say we loved each other and it was always very special when we were intimate together. I was very much in love and I was sure she felt the same about me.

We were happy like this for two years, until she turned 18. I had never become close with her friends, in fact, I barely saw them over the two-year period as my girlfriend was usually at mine and would come out with my friends, and also her friends didn’t really like me as I had had a falling out when I was 18 with one of them (who they were all very close to). Anyway, when she turned 18 she had a holiday abroad arranged with all of these friends as it was the summer and they’d finished school and were preparing to go away and have some fun together before they all went off to university.

Halfway through her holiday, I received a phone call from her saying she had got the flu and wasn’t feeling well and that she was going to come home on her own (this was after a week of the fortnight holiday). I was obviously worried and spoke to her constantly, and as soon as she came home I spoke to her for a good while! However, she expected me to go and see her that week, but she had come home on the Monday (this was last July) and I had started a summer job that very day as part of my university course. I therefore couldn’t just walk out and see her that day or in fact that week as I was just too preoccupied with the job. I said I’d see her at the weekend, but that seemingly wasn’t good enough.

Anyway, this was when I first noticed her changing. She then passed her driving test and I was so pleased for her as she had failed the first couple of times and I knew how upset she had been over that. I arranged with my sister’s boyfriend that he would sell her his old car for half the price it was worth, so she got a very good deal out of it.

She then started going very, very weird indeed. She had taken a year out after finishing school (she starts at uni in September) and so she got a full-time job working in a department store to make some money for when she goes to university.

I then barely ever saw her and she went from phoning me all the time, to never phoning me at all. I would always have to ring her or I wouldn’t hear from her and I didn’t understand why she was like that.

She stopped coming around at weekends then and began going out with her mates to nightclubs 2/3 times a week and if I ever sent her a text message on her phone when she was out, she would just say, “I am with friends now, I’ll speak to you tomorrow” whereas on the odd-occasion she would go out with her friends previously, she’d still send a few texts and ask what I was doing, and what her night had been like so far etc.

I began noticing she was becoming more and more distant and then whenever I asked if I could come out to the clubs with her and her friends, she would tell me that it would spoil it for her and that she wouldn’t be able to enjoy it as she couldn’t go off and chat to all the people she knows there because I would be clinging to her all night. I said for goodness sakes, I do have a personality, I can talk to your friends, you only have to introduce me to your friends, like I introduced you to mine, but she refused to budge.

She then started saying how I was always hassling her and she couldn’t breathe and couldn’t do anything she wanted to do, even though I never stopped her going out and she was out 3 to 4 nights a week. She said she was 18 now and independent and had her job and her little car and she wasn’t the same 16-year-old girl I had met.

After this went on for a couple of weeks, I said I couldn’t go on like this, just seeing her when she could be bothered to fit me in (which was like a Tuesday night or Wednesday night now and again). She said OK, let’s have a break for a month or so, but we won’t obviously see other people/pull other people.

Anyway, this was in December last year, and I didn’t really see her over Christmas, although we spoke a little. She was still, however, going out every weekend and some weeknights clubbing.

She was still saying that she loved me and that she now wanted to see me again. I then found out in January from one of her ex-friends just a couple of hours before I had an exam at university, that she had slept with her best friend after a night clubbing in December (it is a guy by the way, not a girl!). I rang her, in tears on the phone, and she admitted it and said it was a stupid, drunken one-night stand and had only happened because she was upset that we were on a break, even though she suggested it!

I also then found out that an ex-boyfriend of hers had been out a few times at the nightclub over Christmas/early January and that she had kissed him a few times, and when I asked her about that, she admitted it, even though she had sworn to me that I knew everything after I found out about her sleeping with her best mate.

I felt gutted again and my heart sank. I also then found out that she hadn’t used contraception with her best mate and she had to take the morning after pill, and maybe I am being stupid about that, but that really hurts me as well as I find it really personal that she didn’t even make him use contraception, or is that just me?

We then started seeing each other again after I stupidly accepted her excuses that we weren’t together when this happened and she’d never cheat on me and still loved me etc. Things seemed like they were getting back to normal again, but she was STILL going out every weekend with her friends clubbing and it was even worse now as she would also go out with so-called new friends from work on a Tuesday and Wednesday night. She would go to the cinema to see a film and would say she’d text me when she got home and she would be home about 11, yet she would text me at 1.30am saying she was talking to her girl friend from work and didn’t realise the time! This happened a few times, and I was thinking what the hell are you doing until that time on a Tuesday night! This has still not been explained!

I would see her twice a week if I was lucky and that would be to fit me in on a Tuesday night if nothing better came along. She’d never ring me and I would always have to ring her. Yet she still maintained she loved me.

Anyway, about two weeks ago this came to a head. I said I was fed up with the way things were and she said she agreed and that I was “Doing her head in” because she needed space and all I do is hassle her and she wants to be able to go out when she wants, without having to ask anyone. This shocked me, as I have never stopped her from going out, ever – even though every time she does I feel sick at the thought of what she is doing.

She said she wanted a break from this relationship and that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now with anyone and that she loves me and she wants to go until June/July without talking to me or seeing me so that she can sort her head out and then she knows she’ll want to get back with me in June/July and everything will be back to the way it was before. I have asked her 10,000 times if she is seeing anyone else/likes anyone else and she says that there is absolutely nobody and that I am really driving her mad asking her. She said that she started feeling like this when I didn’t bother going to see her when she came back ill from holiday, but I’ve told her a thousand times that I had started a new job that week and couldn’t just up and leave to see her, and that obviously if she was seriously ill I would have, but she only had flu and I couldn’t just walk out of a new job to see her.

A couple of times I have got upset on the phone and ended up in tears and she shouts at me and tells me how I am 21, not 2, and to stop crying because it is really getting on her nerves. This obviously makes me feel worse as I can’t help getting upset – I love her.

I get even more upset as well as in September she is going to university, which will be 3 hours drive away, so we’ll really only see each other at holidays then. I just can’t believe she doesn’t care that in June/July, we’ll only have a couple of months together then anyway before she is off to uni. I just want to shake her and make her realise we should be spending time together now!

I really need some advice…what should I do and what do you think she is thinking? Does she love me, am I being possessive or is she in the wrong? And what do you think this break thing is all about? Do you think there is someone else? She denies it categorically, and I have asked her friends and they all say they don’t have a clue.

Part two below...

[SadHatter]

Part two...

I then didn't contact her for two weeks and one night she rang me. I wasn’t sure whether to answer it, but I did and we spoke for a bit and I told her I'd been going out with my mates and having a laugh and pulled a few girls. Anyway, she started crying, said she loved me and knew she had been an idiot and wanted me back. We ended up talking for about three hours on the phone. She asked me if I would see her the next day, so stupidly I did. She was still saying she loved me and if I wanted to get back with her, I could and she wouldn't be like she had been and knew what an idiot she had been, but she just wanted space to sort her head out.

Anyway, I said I wasn't sure as I didn't feel I could trust her and we could perhaps meet up a few times as friends and see what happened. So, I asked her if she wanted to do something either Thursday or Friday night and she said, "I can't do Thursday as I am seeing my dad, and Friday I am going out with my mates, sorry." So, we arranged to meet tonight (Saturday). However, I then received a text message from her saying, "I know this isn't what u wanna hear, but I dunno if it’s a good idea to meet up tonight, coz I still cant give u what u want (whatever that means? Relationship?) and I don’t want us to argue and have all that messy ness coz its taken ages to get past that. I feel it's best to be friends and get my uni outta the way first before we look at having a serious relationship again. I love u and theres no one else and not gonna b. I thought I should tell u now so u don’t feel messed about later, I'm sorry xxx"

So I said that we were still mates and could meet up still…so she said OK and that she would pick me up at 7.30pm. Anyway, about ten minutes later I got another text message from her saying that she "didn't feel too well and would I mind if we did it another time?" and I replied saying "Great, I just got ready, thanks." Anyway, she then said she might come, but she would want to leave about 9 to get home, which I found strange as we'd only been seeing each other for an hour-and-a-half! Aroused suspicions to me that she was going to go out with someone else. Anyway, ten minutes later, she calls me and says her dad has asked her to go out to a gig and did I mind if she went with him. I said I thought she was out of order just dropping me like that and she said, "For God sakes, we're only friends, friends don't stress like this if one of them cancels etc." So what happened to her being ill etc.?! She said if you don't believe I am going out with my dad, ring him and ask him, or ring my sister, cos she is coming too.

She reiterated that she just wanted to be friends now and didn’t want to be in a relationship either before she went to uni in September, or when she is in her first year there as apparently I will "Hassle her and moan if she goes out there/doesn't answer my calls or reply to a text." I asked her why in a week she has gone from not being able to live without me to just wanting to be friends and she said it was because she had been thinking this week since we met up, and that we should just be friends and then get together properly when she finishes uni in three years time! That is not what I want! She said we'd never see each other anyway as she would only come home at holidays so I would go four months at a time without seeing her.

I am extremely confused now, she went out with her dad tonight (allegedly), I don't understand her or what is going on. Someone please help!!!!!

[Ray - depressed]

listen... i am going thru something very similar, and i've already made a few mistakes.. first, u gota ask urself if she's worth it man.. shes realized a lot of shit, causing her to think differently now... she now wants independence.. she felt that she has missed out a lot in life in the last 2 yrs coz of u... yes, and things won't change back, can u accept this? then if u say alright i can accept this, then u gota realize things won't be the same... she's going to continue hiding truth from u... u know why she freaks out when u ask her so much questions? why she yells at u for crying? coz ur guilt tripping her... there has been things she's done, and trust me, it's better if u don't find out... now man, if u still wanna be with her.. leave her alone for a few weeks, i mean even if shes calling u, avoid her.. ur just slowly driving her away from u, she's getting more n more annoyed of u.. if time just drives her even farther away from u, sorry buddy, it's over... shes happier without u.. anyways man, i know im really blunt, but i am going thru the same damn crap, and i know truth hurts.. anyways, good luck.

[Morbid Angel]

id like to give u really good advice now, but something like this outrages me !!!
im in the same damn place as you are, and i think people are really selfish. Shes not even considering ur feelings AT ALL! you shouldnt take what im saying too seriously because im just angry at the moment, and thinking irrationally, but this girl is throwing you around! She thinks she can just walk all over you and u'll forgive her every time. and i know its hard not to do, because you love her, and u once shared very special times with her. its almost impossible to think that she doesnt feel the same anymore. how can she forget everything uve been through, how can people not feel what they did in the beginning, and not care anymore? what the hell is wrong with this world at the moment im trying to accept that everythings over, no friendship or relationship, and then if sumthing happens its good, but if it doesnt ull be ok with it. its just awful! i dont know what to say to you, but ill think if u, cos i know this really messes a person up for good

[Morbid Angel]

and now ive calmed down. I dont know if this will help at all, but ill give it a shot..
As if it was planned, i went to church just as things started getting weird between us, and the priest opened my eyes like they've never been opened. He talked about many things, but one kindof stood out. He said that we musnt be sad about changes, or things that happen that we dont like. Its not to hurt us, God just found a better plan for our lives. We can either see it as a loss, or a heaven sent opportunity. I promise u!, u wont see what this opportunity is now, maybe not even in a few years - i dont understand it yet either. but maybe he REALLY has a better plan, maybe she's holding YOU back, and not the other way around. or maybe ull get back together, and u both just get a time to grow on ur own a bit, to see if this is really what u want. maybe its to show u another side of her, that u were too inlove to notice. Its gonna hurt like hell, whatever happens. it feels like everything was a lie, but u need to get strong now, to deal with everything that might happen. give it time. anything can happen

[SadHatter]

Thanks for your replies guys, much appreciated!

Do either of you guys have MSN Messenger? And if so, what is your address, I'd really like to chat to you!

[Ray - depressed]

Alrite sounds good, i am going to send it to ur inbox ok?

[SadHatter]

yeah, go for it mate!

[willscotty]

This is a bit long but im feeling the same as a lot of you and it makes me so angry to think people can be this way I have been with this girl for just over a year and it was without doubt the most close loving relationship i have ever been in, it was just amazing and we spent a great year with eachother.

The stupid thing is when i first met this girl she was in a relationship and she was stringing this other guy along as well for a few months or so. She ended cheating on her boyfriend with somone at her sports club and then dumping him shortly after. I didnt see her for about a month and then ran into her one night and she told me she wanted to be with me more than anything and that she had sorted things out with this other guy and they were ok just being friends. And thats when our year together started! It was a very good relationship and we had a great year together, and we ended up falling madly in love, first proper time in my life! we spent almost every moment together and her family loved me to bits. So many people would tell me that she was so in love with me and i was the best thing that ever happened to her. By this point the whole beginning part of the relationship was a distant memory and all i could understand from what she told me is that her ex treated her like nothing thats why she ended up cheating on him. And i was so happy that i didnt judge her straight off with what was happening otherwise i would be missing out on a great relationship.

During the year i went through alot, i got ill and had to go have an operation which took about 6 months to get sorted by the time things were pretty serious and it left me in a mess for quite a few months after. Parents were going through a divorce as well and had to move house just after the summer, was quite a mad year but she stuck by me and supported my through it all. She also went through a rough time near the end of the year and i was there for her in everyway she was for me, it really was an amazing relationship.

She went off to uni last october and its only an hours drive away and ive been driving up every week or so to see her and it was fine for the first term up 2 xmas. Since the beginning of the next term she really started treating me like shit, putting me down all the time and making me feel so worthless. She started saying all sorts or things that guys had been saying to her and once she told me on the phone that a guy there said he could have lots of fun breaking us up?? that hurt me more than anything and i couldnt understand how anyone could say something so hurtful, She said she meant nothing by it and was in tears on the phone because she didnt want to loose me!! I went up to see her on one weekend and it was good and on the sat night we were both getting ready to go out and she said to me out the blue that she thought a guy in her uni was pretty fit and since then the rest of the night we argued, first proper time we did. We made up the next day and she held me and told me she wanted to stay with me more then anything and that she would try and give it everything to make it work. Week after was valentines day and she sent me a couple of gifts, I couldnt go up to see her that weekend because she really had alot of work to do. Spoke to her on the sunday and she was busy studying in her friends room and asked me to call back in a few hours telling me she loved me as she put the phone down.

Called her later on that afternoon and she was in tears telling me she didnt want to be with me anymore. Since that day she has done nothing but ignore me and treat me like i was nothing and its been 3 months now and ive been hurting more then i ever have done in my life. I made the mistake of sending her so many stupid emails trying to find out why and everything and telling her how much i loved her and sorry if i had done anything wrong, and all she said back is that she wasnt happy but she loved me more than anything. She then sent me some emails a few weeks later just telling me what an amazing time she was having but nothing nice or meaningful at all. Really rubbing it in. She gave me her new mobile number about a month after which i stupidly started txting and all she did was ignore them and at times just sent me a msg back saying she needed her space, it all just really ****ed me up and made me feel so shit about myself! It felt like the whole year was a huge lie and i had just been another guy she ****ed over. Im more angry at myself for choosing to be with her knowing how she treated people but of course at the time i would never have thought she would have done this to me. She kept saying she wanted to be friends because she could have fun with me and said things like when she sees me when shes home she will try her best not to pull me. When she came home she sent me an email saying sorry for everything but she didnt want to see me because she needed to realise the decision she had made and get over me. She kept saying that noone in her life has ever made her so happy before but also noone had made her cry so much before either. She is back at uni now and from what i have heard from people is that she is with someone else. I ended up getting drunk and sending her an email saying how horrible and hurtful she has been, she replyed saying what she did wasnt horrible because it wasnt fair to keep me stringing along and she wasnt happy and that i have convinced myself to think she had done things badly to make myself feel better! How can thinking she had done all this make me feel better i dont know. She also spoke to a friend of mine on msn messenger not long ago saying that i was a complete idiot and that i was the worst boyfriend ever in the world. So hurtful, I just cant belive somone that i have been with for a year and were so close can just turn around in an instant and be so nasty. Ive lost so much sleep over the past months and trying to forget her has just been the biggest nightmare of my life. Ive been so torn to thinking the best of her and the worst, not knowing why she has done all this and been so hurtful, whether shes ****ed me about as she has done before or whether it was all to hard for her and she was doing it for the both of us. At first all i did was worry about what had happened so suddenly to cause all this. I loved her and still do so much. I know now she is not worth all this, i just cant see how someone could just stop loving in an instant, thats if she even did in the first place. It still was a great year with her but all i cant feel now is that the whole thing was a lie. Im the same as morbid i just cant understand how somone can turn around so suddenly and not care less anymore, it really does mess your head up, the worst thing i have ever had to go through.

[willscotty]

Im sorry for the layout and punctuation. Pretty terrible i know

[SadHatter]

I'm really sorry to hear that mate. That sucks, really.

Like you said, we're in the same boat. We gotta be strong mate, I am really trying and it looks like I have just gotta move on. My girl is so confusing though, she goes from one extreme to the other, like I said. One minute she loves me and can't be without me, the next she just wants to be friends.

To be fair to your girl, as hard as it is, at least she hasn't been stringing you along like mine has...

[Morbid Angel]

My girl is so confusing though, she goes from one extreme to the other, like I said. One minute she loves me and can't be without me, the next she just wants to be friends.

why the HELL do they do that? i cant figure out if that is really what they're feeling or if they're playing with us. and how can someone change their mind so quickly and so often?

I cant understand how people can go from loving you to not wanting you anymore. I wouldve never done this to him, no matter what. I would never say or do the things he did. You dont hurt someone you love, end of story. Theres a certain amount of consideration that you have to have for people, it must be some rule somewhere that you're not allowed to hurt someone u love.

How could he tell me he'll always be there, and he loves me and always will (still says that btw), and he'll always be there to protect me from anyone who wants to hurt me, and then end up ripping my heart into shreds and not even feeling bad about it?

[Morbid Angel]

He tells me im the reason he's never going to have another serious relationship. i just want to know how exactly its hurting him. who dumped who? whos the one dying slowly each day rotting away in her room hating anything to do with love? he wanted space, hes got it now, he wants to work and sort his life out, and hes doing it now without a gf (cos apparently they dont fit into a successful persons life) tell me how the hell is he hurting? he's having the life he always wanted and everythings going fine, and he shoves away what he doesnt need anymore. i love him more than anything, he doesnt even care that id do anything for him. i still love him almost too much.
im just babbling now, but the worst is, if uve been with someone that long, everywhere u go is somewhere that you two have been. somewhere special. everything you do is something that u've also done together, u cant eat cos u ate with them, step outside n u remember the times u were sitting outside having a romantic moment. everywhere you go, its there. its haunting me, theres nowhere i can go that doesnt have memories. its like a demon

[SadHatter]

I know babe, it sucks!! Send me a private message on here with your MSN Messenger address and we'll talk some more!

[sfalexi]

but the worst is, if uve been with someone that long, everywhere u go is somewhere that you two have been. somewhere special. everything you do is something that u've also done together, u cant eat cos u ate with them, step outside n u remember the times u were sitting outside having a romantic moment. everywhere you go, its there. its haunting me, theres nowhere i can go that doesnt have memories. its like a demon

Luckily for you, memories and feelings fade over time. You don't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, but in a few days/weeks/months, however long it takes YOU (each person is different), you'll see that, "Hey. I've lived this long without him. I can make it without this person." Then the light appears and you just keep on trekking letting time pass by until finally, you're over him and out of that dark tunnel back into the bright and happy sunshine!

Alexi