Girlfriend wants a hiatus. Advice NEEDED.

[dellman]

Long read and probably gramatically a mess but you'll get the messege

So the girl who I have been seeing since the end of October wants to take a break or hiatus for a bit from seeing each other. She still wants to talk but thinks I need some time to work out some problems I have as well as worry about myself and become more individualistic. I met her on Myspace which is something I would never do and she is the same EXACT way. There was just an instant connection and we met up 2 nights later and fell in love.

Things were great up until about 1.5 months ago when she went back to school. Im basically 24 and she is 21. We deeply loved and care about each other but shit has hit the fan recently and I am the cause of most of it.

Her and I like almost everything the same and she even loves watching some of my crazy Asian flicks with me and Ive never been so comfortable in a relationship before. I dated a lot of woman but even after 4 months it feels like I have known her for years and she agreed last month. Im realistic and can honestly say I could see myself marrying her

Its really tough and I dont know what to make of this but here I go.

My girlfriend goes to school about an hour away and wont be graduating for another 3 years because she have fibromialsia which is chronic bodily pain as well as extreem fatigue and exhaustion. She takes about 20 pills everynight before bed. Because of this she had to take off a bunch of moths from school as well as only being able to take 3 classes a term. The months we had together we great and my family truely loved her as well as both of my brothers. She has a great family as well which is similar to mine and actually is the first true family that isnt disfunctional like previous gf's.

She used to have lots of problems and saw a theropist and straighted herself out and is truely a great girl.

Because in past relationships my gf's have been very undeserving and unappriciative, I have gone above and beyond in this one and its the first 1 Ive truely cared about. I always do things for her, pick her up, take her out, buy her gifts etc and I know she appriciates it. Its the little things that I find myself doing that makes me know i truely care. Because she gets up at 11 some days, I would wake up and go out and grab coffee and a bagel for her whenever I was at her school or she was at my house. I would make breakfast for her or always offer to pick something up for her.

Well here is think is where the problems lie. Ive been on permanant break since I graduated in June and had been trying to find a job ever since. She came home all December and most of January then went back to school for Spring session which will end in May and she will be moving back home about 35 minutes from me. From there she will commute to the local school.

I think I got into the relationship when I was still enjoying break and not working and her being home and me seeing her alot made me feel great. As soon as she went back to school though, things changed. After days and days and months of sitting around my house, it became tough for me and only seeing her on the weekends really made me lonely and sad most of the week. After the interview process all January and Febuary, I was mentally exhausted. That, plus not having any friends around my area anymore really sucked. Because Drexel was a 5 year program, most of my friends went to 4 year schools, got a job and moved just when i was finishing up my school. Since I really had nothing to do and everyday was full of a boring nothing, I started to lose it a bit.

Last month I found myself just sitting and thinking of my gf all day and looking forward to nothing else but the weekend so I could spend time with her. Emotionally, I depended on her to make me happy since nothing else did. This is where I started letting little things get to me. She lives with 4 girls and they are great friends and like to go out. My gf smokes lots of Pot which I dont mind but at the same time does not drink much. The Pot doesnt bother me as I was there once in school and a lot of my friends still do smoke. Well, when we started the relationship we talked nonstop, then when she was home talked a lot as well. When she went back to school we would talk maybe a little online but usually either her or I would call and talk around 1 or 2 am.

I started disliking this and thinking that she only cared to call me when it was convenient for her and that would be after a long day or after the bar or smoking. I then started trying to understand her and formulating reasons for things. I would mention sometimes how she needed to prioritze things and that I dont understand how she could go out and stay up late or go out during midterms week especially after constant complaining about workload. I didnt understand how she could do all this yet at the same time not be able to take more than 3 classes. Looking at myself, I had 5 terms straight of 20-21 credits with 5-6 classes and I still had time to do things. Again though, she insisted that I don't know whats it like having the medical problems and life she does. My dad who is in the medical field actually worked with people with Fibro. He said that they all say the same thing about how one cant understand unless they go through it and he also mentioned that each person seemed to have some mental issues because of it.

Moving along.... Being the extremely passive person I am, I tend to let things bottle up and explode every once in a while with inconsistancy with what triggers it. Last month we went out on the 3 or 4 month Anniversary we went out, I drank a good bit and she didnt want to have sex when we got back. She said it wasnt bc I was drunk (not stumbling all over myself) and that she just wanted to relax. I blew up and then broke down realizing, what I was doing. Things got worked out there and we had a great valentines day where I cooked ungodly amounts of food including homemade cake, cookies, cupcakes etc with homemade iceing. THIS ISNT ME. I just felt compelled to as I really wanted to.

A few weeks later, she had tests on Wed, Friday and the following Tuesday and could only see me that Friday after the 2nd test since she had ungodly amounts of HW that weekend. Well on WED. I found out she went out until like 3-4am and send an irrate aim message calling her nuts and telling her she should be studying. I guess I handled it wrong and patched things up which was hard. She said that something happened that night bad and she needed to get out but wouldnt tell what it was. Friday came and went and she told me I had to leave on Sat. as she had tons of reading. Well I left at 6pm and found out she went out that night around 10-2. Ended up drinking a little more than usual and took her pills hammered. She had to throw them all up or she could have gone comotose. I was concerned and pissed at the same time but she did realize what happened and wouldnt let it happen again. Things were back to normal a few weeks then St. Patties day came.

We drove 4 hours back from her school in the snow so we could go out with my friends in the city. On Saturday a lot of friends bailed cause the snow and I chucked my phone and flipped out. She said I had anger issues, we talked and then went out. We got to my friends place and drank from like 3-9 when she told me she was done for the night and aching and exhausted. I got pissed but went along with it and she drove us back to the $186 hotel room I got. There, I was very drunk, and she didnt want to have sex when I was kissing her and instead wanted to just cuddle and relax with me. I blew up, paced around the room and then jumped back on top of her put her arms up and started kissing her. "She said Stop." "I said No" Then I realized WTF I just did and broke down into uncontrollable tears for an hour.

I went into how I loved her so much, would marry her if things were right (which we had said over the past months), then admitted to her being everything to me and that she was the highlight of my week. I told her how I had drank everynight for the past 2 weeks in order for me to fall asleep. She told me, she was scared of me sometimes as I would go off out of nowhere. When I heard this, I broke down even futher as I am a GREAT person and what I had become was not me.

[dellman]

In the past 2 months she began to not trust me, not in a sense of cheating, but more so from the small stupid lies I would tell. We were gonna quit cigs, she asked me if I had one. I said not then would admit yes. Smallstupid things like that which I shouldnt even lie about.

On Sunday we woke up and I drove her back to school. She didnt know what to say other than I had a lot of mental issues and maybe should see a Theropist. I agree with her there as I really do have issues that need taking care of. She said I change when I drink and that the problems I have will take time to fix.

Well I sent to roses asking for forgiveness yesterday and was willing to take any steps necessary to make things right. The first step was getting help and talking to someone which she had done as well as my brother who is a 10x better person now.

Last night we talked, and I laid everything out including what I do right and wrong. I talked about Honesty, Understanding, Love, Support, Sincerity, Trust and where I did well and where I faultered. I told her how she filled that void in my life when it was rough the past few months and that things would change now that I will be working most ofthe day. Change is the key word as Ive recognized my problems and told her I will take any steps in fixing them and prove that Im still the man she fell in love with.

After talking she was taken back that I had thought things through and told me her feelings. She felt that she was to Dominant and because of me being passive, I would do anything for her which could lead to her walking all over me. I however disagreed as I wanted to do all those things for her. Emotional Dependance was another big issue and her roomates saw it as well. Basically, I would crumble without her. Another issue was my anger and complaining about her going out with her friends sometimes as well as me not being on time. There were more negatives than positives that her and her roomates came up with, but she recognized my trying.

It sucks because we were going to the Oter Banks this week with 14 people for her Spring Break and she thought it was best i didnt go incase somethign happened there. I LOOKED FOWARD TO THIS for 2 months!

At the end of the conversation, I told her how much I loved her and asked her if she cared for me which she said YES. I asked for her for forgiveness and the chance to make things right and prove my worth to her. She said she would forgive me but then asked the big, "Will you respect my feelings". She wanted for us to take a hiatus meaning not seeing each other but talking every so ofter like we just had. Her thoughts were that I needed to think more about myself and figure things out and at the same time she needed to do the same. There was no time frame put on it, but she said not to expect in 3 weeks for things to get better and that down the road we would talk about getting back together when things were right. I accepted, and told her I would get help and take action to help myself and do everything in my power to better myself and us. My feelings to her about dating and her not being there really made me almost breakdown. I left it by expressing my love, which she didnt respond to other than that she cares for me. Its kind of a two way street as I asked if she had ever done this before and she responded, "No Jeff, you know me and I dont give second chances, so this is a first"

Here I am today, shattered. Have not eatin since Sunday and have slept 2 hours in the past 2 nights.

This is really love at first sight and I know deep down, she is the one for me. My family loves her, I love her family. I mean hell, im at home until I get a new place and my mom didnt care that we slept in the same bed. MY MOM NEVER EVER EVER let that happen and we would fight for hours.

My intentions are great and maybe Ive been institutionalized with bad relationships where the girl caused all the problems .Because we were so different, I couldnt cope with that lack of problems and had to start something in order to fill in that gap.

In 2 months she moves back home and I work down the street from her house and can walk there in about 2 minutes. I kept trying to move past these problems knowing things would change when she moved home and that right now she was just enjoying her last 2 months in college. Now with this break, im stuck with what to think. Do I give her the 2 months, and hopefully get back together when she is home. I know I have matured and changed as a person because of her and wouldnt have been able to make it through these tough jobless months without her support. My parents know I had become happier and know how much I cared. This girl got me to become more religious and I started going to Church with and without her which I would have NEVER done with others.

I just dont ****in know.

Its a tough position I am in and need to keep a clear head especially with this job coming up. I think she is in a tough place at the moment now with all her friends graduating this year and her coming home. She's is an extremely sweet and smart girl and my rents have pointed out that she just doesnt seem to know what she wants to do with her life right now and lacks that direction.

[vashti]

I think I should warn you that most of us won't read anything longer than a paragraph or two, so if you wanted responses, you might want to provide a cliff notes version...

[Glyph]

Add more to your life than just her. She's got a lot on her plate and she shouldn't be expected to shoulder your happiness all by herself. You're way, way, WAY too codependent on her, and she likely wants the break because you're smothering her.

As for the "disagreeing with 'No'" that you did - you're unbelievably lucky. Had it been me, you'd have lost your testicles right then and there for that move.

I'm not saying you don't care about her in a true sense, but it almost seems like it's bordering on obsession. Get out and learn to live without her. Learn to be happy without her. It may be too late, from how you describe things, but when you make something as fickle and unpredictable as a human being your entire world, then chances are great that that world will end up falling in on itself.

Take advantage of the hiatus and work on yourself.

[The Great OV!!!]

WTF is a hiatus?

[dellman]

No. Im no where near obsessive. I just have been without a job for 8-9 months since graduation and just got one earlier this month. It has been hard on me and felt like everything was caving in interview after interview. Believe me, now things will change as spring is rolling around and I can play paintball and fish again.