In Need Of Dire Help

[JamesBrimble]

Hi, me and my girlfriend have beed going out for about 2 months now, and over the course of the 2 months, we've been kissing more and holding hands more, but only with heavy privacy.

Its like, when we're drunk together it's amazing, but when we're sober, she keeps to herself. Im getting real tired of always being the one to make the first move, and its getting to the point where i just dont want to bother anymore. She's always inviting me last to events. And yet, her friend told me "..if you heard the things she says about you, it would make you the happiest person in the world".

It feels like im being treated like a toy, she tosses me aside when we aren't together. I've seen it on things like myspace etc.. it feels like she isnt even my girlfriend at times.

And this is making me really upset, im trying my best to be with her, cuddle her, love her, but im just not getting anything back.

Im afraid that if she doesnt loosten up soon, or start being serious about this whole relationship, i'll have to move on without her, and i really REALLY dont want to, but i feel like i dont have a choice.

What do I do? Do i talk to her about it? Do I go on like this and wait?
This is tearing me apart. Please help me!

[carbon]

Are you more upset that she's emotionally distant or that she's less physically intimate than you'd like to be or both?

[JamesBrimble]

Im upset over both reasons, emotionally and physically. But alot more over emotional reasons. I'd much rather her love me more than have her kiss me more.

[carbon]

Just to put things in perspective, how old are you two?

[JamesBrimble]

yes, i know... "16 year olds dont know love" but i also know that AT THIS STAGE IN MY LIFE i love her and want her to love me back. But thats why im asking you to help me, not criticise me.

[carbon]

Hey JB, my question was not meant as a criticism, but I genuinely needed to know your age in order to give you the proper advice/help you see things from her perspective. I apologize if I made you feel bad.

I know you care a lot about this girl and it hurts that she doesn't seem to reciprocate your strong feelings. However, at this point, you really cannot say if that's the case since you haven't talked to her about how you feel. It seems that you have high emotional intelligence and can communicate your feelings easily. It may not be the case for her. Some people naturally have high emotional intelligence and some people gain it through time (by experiencing many different relationships with different people). Like you said, one of her friends told you that she thinks the world of you. She might be feeling just as strongly for you as you are for her, but just that she doesn't knwo how to show it/is afraid to show it - I'm not saying you're the cause of that fear, but an intrinsic fear she might have.

I can say all of this becuase I was once in a similar situation - felt strongly for a bf, but he didn't feel it. For me it seemed obvious that he should've known how I felt, but he didn't. Commuication is key in any relationship.

[JamesBrimble]

hehe, sorry for gettin a bit angry, i appreciate your help.
so you're saying i should talk to her?

[carbon]

Yes, talk to her.

[JamesBrimble]

ok, now i dont want to sound like im scavenging information off of you, but do you think you could give me some tips on what to say, or how to say it?
im not the best when it comes talking face to face, so i really want to make it clear to her, but at the same time not hurt her feeling, because i have an idea that she might be a little offended when i start telling her these things. (not because they are intentionally hurtful, but because it might come as a shock to her that i've been thinking about this for a while, etc..)

[weirdy]

Tell her that you've noticed she seems distant and ask her is there a problem, and that she should feel free to tell you, whatever it is.
DON'T tell her that YOU feel bad...at least not at the beginning of the conversation.

[carbon]

JB, don't feel bad for asking more questions - we're all here to help eachother.

I think you should say everything you need to say in order to let her understand how you feel about the situation. Be honest. Don't say it in a way that makes her feel like you are BLAMING her for your feelings, because that would hurt her, especially if she has no clue about any of this. Just tell her what you are feeling and give specifics where possible, e.g., how you feel when she does or does not do certain things. Reassure her that even though you feel bad, you know she doesn't mean to make you feel bad. Try writing down your thoughts to organize and clarify them before you talk to her.

I'm not sure if Weirdy is male or female, but I don't agree with his/her advice. Speaking from a female perspecitve, telling her that she seems distant and whether there's a problem would make your gf feel like you see a problem in HER, which would make her feel bad. Also, she may have NO IDEA what you're talking about, which would make her wonder..and things might get worse.... Your goal is to get her to understand how you're feeling and hopefully work together to make it better, not exacerbate the problem.

[weirdy]

I'm not sure if Weirdy is male or female, but I don't agree with his/her advice. Speaking from a female perspecitve, telling her that she seems distant and whether there's a problem would make your gf feel like you see a problem in HER, which would make her feel bad...

Actually, I'm a girl , and the advice I gave is sth I would like to hear if I was in her shoes. I don't think that would offend her, on the contrary. That way, he would seem worried about HER, not obsessed with HIS own problem, and she won't feel attacked in any way, only reminded how much he cares about her.
And sure he has to be honest about everything, but, on the very beginning of the conversation, he should seem worried about HER, if there is sth SHE would like to tell him.

[carbon]

Actually, I'm a girl , and the advice I gave is sth I would like to hear if I was in her shoes. I don't think that would offend her, on the contrary. That way, he would seem worried about HER, not obsessed with HIS own problem, and she won't feel attacked in any way, only reminded how much he cares about her.
And sure he has to be honest about everything, but, on the very beginning of the conversation, he should seem worried about HER, if there is sth SHE would like to tell him.

I see what you're saying. I guess it depends on the girl. For me, my bf telling me something like that would make me feel pressured and thus uncomfy to talk even if something were making me feel bad. On the other hand, if he told me he is feeling bad because there seems to be a distance growing between us, etc, etc, I would be more inclined to open up. I'm very protective of my feelings.

JB, girls can be confusing, but you know your gf best.

[JamesBrimble]

you're right about girls bein confusing. she isnt responding to my messages, but she is to her friends.
i'm just about ready to finish our relationship, i cant take it anymore :'(

[vashti]

She sounds like a normal 16 year old girl to me. Maybe you are expecting too much. In fact, that is my guess. Why *should* she be all over you in public? No one else wants to see it. I think that it shows she has class to insist on some degree of privacy. There is a time and place for everything.

Her silence around you may just indicate she is nervous and afraid to say the wrong thing.