Big Decision (need male and female advice)

[surfnsand]

After 2 years, my GF asked for a break to be: "single for once (she was married for 10 years), focus on nursing school...home....etc...."

WHEW.
Our first break (a few months ago) only lasted a week.
she called crying - we were both miserable.

A month ago, she finally took the time she wanted.
I did not write, text, call, drop-by.
After just under a month she called.
She said (on Voice MAIL) that she loved me and having that time let her know it was real and she had not taken advantage of my love and she had loved me and she just needed to work on her things...but 'working on her things" is a non-determined thing, and that's a danger zone to me.


I DID NOT RETURN CALLS OR EMAILS.
IS THIS ENOUGH?
WAS THIS A BREAK IN NC I should act on for her...or wait?


IT'S TENSE!!

[surfnsand]

ps -what words would warrant an answer from me?

[Gigabitch]

No words until you're done punishing her in this hurtful way.

Do you want her? Then take her back and tell her this time it's for good because this "going on a break" thing doesn't work for you.

If not, let her go. Don't be mean.

[surfnsand]

I hear ya Giga,

But..."Mean?"
She broke up with ME. (twice)

I think I should get time and a chance to see what's real.
She should tell me she misses me and needs to talk...

ok, i am not a woman, but why would you call with an update
other than to relieve guilt? i am really worried about getting killed here.
walking into random rules/friend zone...I don't see a green light. should I?

she is working on her "things" - but that could be ...forever.

is this wanting cake and eating it too?

what would you want to hear that would get you back, and have you respect the guy....if you took "ME time" despite being in love and making a guy sit around with no plan and then called in a month.

i would love to know. i am not being mean, just trying to be sane.

[misombra]

call her back and tell her how you feel.

[Gigabitch]

I think refusing to return her calls is petty, and from your posts, I'd say it's beneath the kind person you are.

If you're ready to do or die, here, call her up and have the Talk. She has to stop wasting your time. It's disrespectful and unreasonable. What is she doing? Exploring her lesbian side? Thinking about becoming a nun? What is going on with this woman?

[misombra]

she's on the fence. at the crossroads. she don't know what she's doing.

i've been that way many many times.

[surfnsand]

Yes indeed Giga...:-)

GOOD questions!

I am spinning here because i think she wants an unfettered life she imagined while married: girls, wine, and yes, some lesbian friends - for fun or conversation - who knows...but i know she loves me...there's an element of fantasy here...

What i cannot sort out is the calls. my instinct is to wait a month so she knows i've been hurt a couple times now - more than she knows...but i hate freezing her out. and i wonder if she was reaching out or doing a bit of lucy and the football with charlie brown.

what's your female intuition? is this girl looking for her Ex after 3-4 weeks or ridding guilt because she took a break with no fights or reason - other than self indulgence. it's a free country. i miss her, but i wanna talk this out here and then call there....too much thinking? who knows - you're the expert :-)

[surfnsand]

she's on the fence. at the crossroads. she don't know what she's doing.

i've been that way many many times.

Ok, so what would you say to the guy dealing with your emotions in that state....

i won't go into depth but friends say the irony is she should be fighting for me....that they thought i would break up with her...that's ridiculous though. i care for her and am trying to get thru being put in real limbo for the 1st time in my life...tiring....

[LatiCheer7]

I think refusing to return her calls is petty, and from your posts, I'd say it's beneath the kind person you are.

If you're ready to do or die, here, call her up and have the Talk. She has to stop wasting your time. It's disrespectful and unreasonable. What is she doing? Exploring her lesbian side? Thinking about becoming a nun? What is going on with this woman?

He's not being mean he just doesn't want to make a mistake. Sometimes if you let people they walk all over you. She has to understand that she can't go back & forth on the poor guy, SHE in being mean & inconsiderate.
I am a girl in the EXACT SAME situation with my guy. I'm not trying to play games I just want to find out the TRUTH & not give in to him if he doesn't truly care. After a few times you start to wonder. She's done it twice to him, my guy's done it 3 times to me. It's like make up your mind.

[Gigabitch]

i won't go into depth but friends say the irony is she should be fighting for me....that they thought i would break up with her...that's ridiculous though. i care for her and am trying to get thru being put in real limbo for the 1st time in my life...tiring....

Well, have you thought about the possibility of finding someone else? Even if you don't want to, it might be good for you to understand that this IS possible.

[surfnsand]

yes, gonna have to start....since her calls were just not enough to break my silence, and i doubt she'd call again for fear i won't answer or am shutting her out.

funny thing is, if she did call again, i WOULD talk to her...

effort is required when you are the "breaker"....

[vashti]

I think you are being punitive. She has called you AND emailed you, and you don't bother to respond? If you had the slightest idea of how difficult nursing school is, you probably wouldn't blame her for needing some space. If you love her, get off your ass and call her before she decides you are too much trouble. Ask her why she is contacting you, and if she just wants to check in, tell her not to call you again unless she wants to reconcile. Otherwise, you are single and are allowed to date. You don't have to let her play games with you, but you shouldn't be playing with her, either.

[surfnsand]

vashti and all-

here's the deal. this was technically break #3.
first only lasted a few hours ;-)
second lasted a week.
third almost a month.

i went totally silent each time. but always answered her call and came "home"...this time i feel like i really want to make sure it does not happen again. her call was nice (she said "the break has helped her see that our love is real and she did love me even if it seemed like i took advantage of your love the last couple months..." and she was working on her "things"...)

she texted me about a documentary and emailed me about a family friend/advisor's number....
I HATED TO IGNORE HER BUT I DID NOT SEE A CHOICE.

did not hear a: "I miss you. i want to meet and talk. i have learned a lot about myself and Us...."

I just don't see a way to move here. perhaps she was relieving guilt....in a while i'll ask myself again if i can/should. or this is a dead soldier...

i hear ya though - i am just putting the negatives out there to see if you still think it's worth it.

post marriage is tough, nursing school is tough...her solution may or may not be making it easier....but i feel i have to let her make that decision right now.

waddya think?

[vashti]

I think if you don't trust her to avoid silly drama, then break off with her for good and find someone you can trust. Your playing this game with her is not gonna get you what you want, which is a guarantee she won't leave.