Am I settling?

[Glyph]

I'm in a relationship right now, one with a guy who I think really gets me. We have our bumps and snags here and there, but he makes me laugh, he's smart - he's got a lot of the qualities that I really want in a man. Only real biggie is that he lives all the way in England.

However, I've been friends for 10 years with a guy I'm in love with. I think about him at least once every day. He lives about an hour and a half away from me. He's got a girlfriend (he's been with her for awhile, maybe a little over a year). When we're together, it's just . . . right. I feel like I always imagined I *should* feel when I'm with someone I'm in love with. We've been through a lot together, in the past, so there's such a level of comfort that we can pretty much tell each other anything. Well . . . except for the fact that I'm in love with him.

The problem is, he's *always* dated very conventionally attractive girls. Cute face, nice body, etc. Not because I think he's shallow, but just because that's what he CAN get. I think I've a beautiful face, but I'm overweight. I always have been. That's the main reason I've never said anything, because I feel like it would be an automatic, definite "no". And I'd rather hold on to some small sliver of hope than to know, pathetic as that may sound. I couldn't bear for things to ever become awkward with us, and I feel like that's what would happen.

I really want to try and move on. My mindset is, he'd never want to date me, all it would do is make things weird between us and it's best just to keep my mouth shut and salvage our friendship. So I've tried to just sit on and ignore those feelings, and go on with my life. I'd have feelings for him, but I wouldn't nurture them, I wouldn't dwell on them. I basically chalked him up as someone I WANT, but will never have.

Is that method of thinking, however, settling? I mean, let's look at the facts here: yes, I'm overweight, but that can be fixed. Not just for Sam, but for me, too. I NEED to drop the weight anyway. Basically, to strive for this situation would be win-win anyway, because even if my body wasn't the only thing keeping this friend away from me, then I'd have still done myself a favour by slimming down. But if that IS the only thing that really stands between us, then . . . I feel like I'd be settling any other way.

I love my current guy, we've been great friends, too, for a while, he accepts the "fat me", but he's all the way in England. Immigration is a disgrace in the U.S. and the only way he'd get over here is if I married him, and I don't want to marry, ever. Do you think I'm really only going for this relationship because it's decidedly inaccessible? As in, am I deliberately putting myself in this position so that I'm not *lonely*, but I'm also not definitely "taken" yet? Because there's a sufficient distance at which I can hold him away?

The bottom line is, Sam is who I WANT. If you set both down in front of me, Sam is who I really, truly want more than anyone in the world, and that's been on my heart for eight of our ten years as friends. I've been married and divorced once, even, and during that whole time - I never stopped feeling like I was in love with Sam. He just seems like such an unrealistic prospect that I file it in the "never going to happen" category and get on with it.

But maybe one sliver of hope remains that it COULD happen. If all that needs to happen is something I need to do ANYWAY, for my own health and esteem and self-image, then would it truly be settling to go for the guy who really is second fiddle? Hell, since I was a sophomore in high school, every love interest has played second fiddle to Sam. There's absolutely no one else like him; I've looked, and to no avail. I really do feel like, if Sam and I aren't in the cards, that I'm not sure what I'll do. I doubt there's anyone I'll feel that way about again.

Any suggestions about how to handle this?

[Gribble]

I'd ditch the dude in England. He may be a great guy and all, but... he's in England. Lot of good that does for you. I never did understand why people get involved in LDR's when there are soooo many people that live right near them that are every bit as attractive and interesting.

As for the other guy... I dunno. Why not use your attraction to him as a reason to get in shape? Being overweight isn't healthy, plus it ruins your self-image and your confidence. It isn't really that hard, either. Screw all the gimmicks, all the goofy diets. Burn more calories than you take in.

[Gigabitch]

Hey, Glyph, welcome to the Forum. I just read your post in Warhol's thread, and I like you already.

The guy in England is a placeholder, obviously, and I don't see the harm in it unless you feel that you're wasting his time. I don't see the point of it, either, though. I'm of two minds about him accepting "fat you", too. On the one hand, he should love you unconditionally and what you look like should be less important than who you are, but on the other hand, being overweight is unhealthy and you would ideally be with a man who cared enough about your health to want you to slim down. I wonder how he would take it if you did shed a bunch of weight. Would he be happy for you or would it upset your dynamic together?

Either way, he's not your Mr. Right, he's just Mr. Right Now.

I'm wondering what your life would be like if you dropped a lot of weight and suddenly found that you could attract not only Sam, but a whole array of Sam-level guys. I'm going out on a limb, here, but I think it's possible that you're just a play-it-safe girl all the way around. Being overweight makes a lot of relationship stuff a non-issue because you don't have guys just coming up to you and asking you out most of the time. Being in love with Sam is a known quantity, no risk there. Dating someone on the other side of the planet- also pretty safe.

My advice: Take some risks, girl. Break up with England guy, tell yourself you can't even consider Sam for at least a year, and spend some energy on yourself. Figure out WHY you carry around the extra weight, and deal with it, not for Sam but for your future self. I've taken a lot of risks in the past couple of years, and they've really paid off. I recommend it.

[misombra]

i say use both of them as motivation to work out and dump them both as soon as you realize how hot you are.

[Glyph]

Very good suggestions, and I guess they're things I kind of knew anyway - but hell, sometimes you just need others to weigh in objectively and give you a kick in the pants.

About Sam - whether or not anything between us was ever possible, do you think it's necessary to *one* day (maybe not immediately and maybe not even anytime moderately soon) tell him how I feel? As I said, it's been one of those issues where, as long as I don't tell him, I can dream. But, the next time I truly, honestly get serious about someone, I'll feel like I'm not giving them ALL of me. Does that make sense? I think I'll end up feeling like they're being cheated, because 100% of my heart isn't free for the giving (apologies in advance for that utterly emo wording of it, I just didn't know any other way to put it).

Sam's been one of my best friends for a decade of my life. I truly don't want to lose that, but then again, I don't want to continue on feeling like no one I ever even think of dating in the future will ever measure up. If I enter a relationship with the feeling, "I like you, but if Sam ever came around, I'd drop you in a heartbeat", it wouldn't be fair, to myself or anyone else.

What would any of you do? Is it necessary to get it out one day?

[Gigabitch]

I think one day, yes, but not immediately. You're not ready, and I think you know it.

I strongly believe that this will come about in it's own time. I don't think you should rush it.

BTW, I dated a guy for three months when I was 23 that I had been friends with since 7th grade, and it went down in flames. You might be getting the very best of Sam right now, the way you are with him.

[Charlie Boy]

Ditch the guy you're with, lose the weight (ALL of it) and scope him out to see if he has the same feelings without falling at his feet. In that order.

[Glyph]

Well, I've broken it off with UK guy. It truly is pointless to continue something you know you can't bring to completion. I'm not in the market for marriage, and that's what it'd take for him to come over here. It sucks, to be sure, but I've got a mission now. And I think to go on with that plan without him knowing would just be ugly and deceitful and unfair.

So, I'm a free agent and I'm just working completely on myself now.

[Gribble]

Congrats.

Wanna go out for drinks to celebrate? I'll buy you a Long Island iced tea or three.

[Glyph]

How many calories are in those?

[Gribble]

Quite a few. But see, that's the wonderful thing about Long Island iced teas. You work the calories off immediately aftward. Assuming, of course, you retain the ability to... er... I was going to say stand, but I guess that isn't necessary.

[dangelo]

Hey glyph,

just read your post and had to reply cos it's so similar to my situation (looks like you kind of took your own advice to me and decided not to settle!!)

I think you're doing the right thing, esp cos of the long distance relationship thing.

But one problem with what you said is that you seem to talk like this sam guy is out of your league. If you think somebody is out of your league, then that person, by virtue of the way you act around them etc will think they're out of your league. (If that makes sense)

I mean when you're around sam you probably are constantly thinking how can I be nice to him, what can I do/say to make him feel like I do etc.

But when you were dealing with the english guy, I imagine you were probably weren't as eager to stay on the phone, not putting as much thought into what you say and subconsciously passing on the message that you weren't pushed about what he thinks.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that i believe nobody is out of anybody elses league. There are millions of couples that when people who don't know better look at them, they think 'what the f*&^ is she doing with him?' or 'what is he doing with her??'

your friend has valued you as a friend for years, but I presume you've seen his girlfriends come and go. Thats a start, all you have to do is let him know what's on offer with you when he's available. Maybe he has no idea how you feel, maybe he feels something for you, maybe he's afraid to ruin your friendship too. (and yeah, maybe he's happy with his girlfriend), but would you be happy if you never asked?

Corny but true quote:

"In life, you can only regret things you never do."

[dangelo]

ps I think charlie boy's plan seems shallow, but is probably the best way you should go about things.

Men can be shallow, we're programmed to be attracted to slimmer figures in general, so why not be healthier, be more confident about yourself and make him and other men more likely to want you too.

[Gribble]

No. The media wants everyone to think men are attracted to ridiculously slim women. Real men like a little something extra to hold on to at night.

[Charlie Boy]

I wasn't talking about becoming waifer-thin. What you want is:

- No canteen lady arms that flap around when you're doing the cooking or playing video games.
- A flat stomach. You don't need a six-pack. Just make sure there's no gut.
- A firm ass. This is an absolute must for me. Doesn't have to be tiny, just not flabby.
- Firm thighs. again, I don't want to feel bone when I touch them, but I don't want to see my hand dissapear into a wobbly sea of flesh either.

Anyway just use the girls that this guy's been dating as a guide.

I know my advice sounds shallow but it's realistic and most probably accurate.