Whats his problem?

[Misslissa]

I have been with my fiancee for over 3 years now. We have a 21 month old son also. Well lately for the past few months, nothing seems right. He has changed completely. He started up smoking these disgusting cigars. And everytime i ask him why he says "i dont know, why cant you love me for me" And i do. But i didnt fall in love with a smoker. Thats one of things i liked about him when i did first meet him.

Another thing that he has changed about. This may be TMI, but we never shut the door on each other when we go to the bathroom for anyreason, either it being number 1, or numbr 2 or just to take a shower. It has been that way since about 4 months going into the relationship. But lately now, hehas been locking the door to take a shower and do number 2. I asked him about it today and he said "i dont know, its a control issue" I said to him, "But you were never like that before, why the change, i love you, i dont care what you do in the bathroom."

I can feel us drifting apart so much, and i dont want us to. We doesnt want to touch me anymore, he neevr kisses me anymore. He knows that i am extremely depressed lately about my image (i barely lost any baby weight in 2 years), and i am trying so hard to get bback to my prebaby stage. But he is just making it worse for me. I tell him all the time that i love him, but he tells me that he thinks i am just settleing for him, and that i just THINK i need to be with him because of our son. . Its not true.

I dont know what to do make him see that i do love him. and that i do want to marry him still. We had a date planned for next year to go on a cruise and get married there, but im so scared none of this isnt goig to happen. He is my life, my best friend. I have lost 2 friends over him already. I love him.

[jurupa]

First off you can not assume your fiancee will be able to read the underlying message you are sending to him. Your going to have to tell him out right what the problem is and why it is a problem for you.

Secondly, with such a change in behavior something is up. Either he has cheated on you or he is re-thinking the whole relationship or something else.

Third. If you want to save the relationship talk to him and be direct about the problems and your feelings. Because the majority of relationships fail because of bad communication.

[The Great OV!!!]

He doesnt want to touch me anymore, he neevr kisses me anymore.

I think this is a much bigger problem then the bathroom part.

[NeoSeminole]

utter bullshit, it sounds like you are the one with problems. So what if he smokes cigars? "Oh noes, he's not the person I feel in love with." <<rolls eyes>> Your fiancee didn't fall in love with a fatty. Having a baby is no excuse for being overweight. I could understand if maybe you gave birth a couple months ago, but you said it's been 2 yrs. Furthermore, I don't know why you feel alarmed that your fiancee wants to take a shit in privacy.

[Gigabitch]

Harsh, Neo, but right on the money. Misslissa, you didn't fall in love with a smoker. You also didn't fall in love with a non-smoker. You fell in love with him, and people change. They go through phases. Sometimes they lock the door.

Are you actually hearing him when he says he thinks you're settling for him? It sounds like he's pointing at some serious emotional stuff and you're hung up on the fact that he's not sharing his AMBM with you any more.

Your body image is your responsibility. You deal with it. It is not his job to have sex with you when you're all worked up about how unattractive you are.

There are lots of women in your position. Go meet them. Work out together. Depression is a vicious cycle, and you're headed that way. You have to start taking care of yourself and let him take care of himself- trust him to work it out.

[lamarthe]

Hmm, I would be worried and wondering if there is someone else. I mean the intimacy has gone. No lovemaking between you? Don't let it slide, ask him. Nothing to do with the weight. The weight will go if you put some effort into it. I had two kids, took me ages to lose the weight especially after the first one but it never bothered my partner. Even when we split, desire was there. Ask him:"Why don't you want to touch me anymore? What's the problem?"Is it because I am fat? Tell me.? I mean we use to make love regularly...

[Gribble]

Smoking is a disgusting habit. I think you have every right to be upset with him for taking it up. Cigars, especially. I would never start dating a girl who smoked, and if a girl I was dating started smoking that would be a deal-breaker. It's the cancer sticks or me, babe. You have a kid, though, and you probably aren't as adamant as me, so... you need to talk with him. Let him know you're not just concerned because it's disgusting, but you're also concerned for his health and the health of the baby.

As for dropping number two's with the door open? Errr.... I'm with him on this one, sorry.

You have no one but yourself to blame for the way you look. You don't like it, change it. Easier said than done, right? Wrong. Take thirty minutes, just thirty lousy minutes, out of your day and jog. Don't eat less, instead learn to eat smarter. If you love candy pick up some dates instead. They're chewy and sweet and they contain lots vitamins 'n stuff. (They do have some calories, though, so don't go popping them left and right) Eat hearty in the morning instead of the evening. Little things. The goal isn't to starve yourself or run yourself into the ground. The goal is to find an easily maintained balance between diet and exercise that ensures you burn more calories than you consume.

[vashti]

I think he is seeing you as a "mother figure", and not like a woman. I mean, you nag him about his cigars and want to watch him poop, just like a momma. What (sane) guy wants to sleep with his momma? Hire a babysitter once a week and go out with him. Dress up, put on makeup, look your best. Flirt with him. DON'T talk about the baby, and DON'T nag about anything. Have some grown-up fun. Above all, DON'T act like his mother.

I think you should cut him some slack on the cigar smoking (so long as it isn't around the baby or inside your home) and you BOTH should close the door to the bathroom. Some things were *meant* to be private.

I don't know about whether the weight is the root of his problem or not (not all men are equally emotional about this, and I don't know how much weight you are talking about), and I certainly don't think there is enough info here to jump to the conclusion he is having an affair.

[Gigabitch]

That is some damned fine advice, Vashti.

[The Great OV!!!]

utter bullshit, it sounds like you are the one with problems. So what if he smokes cigars? "Oh noes, he's not the person I feel in love with." <<rolls eyes>> Your fiancee didn't fall in love with a fatty. Having a baby is no excuse for being overweight. I could understand if maybe you gave birth a couple months ago, but you said it's been 2 yrs. Furthermore, I don't know why you feel alarmed that your fiancee wants to take a shit in privacy.

You compare something that she can not control like having a baby and gaining some weight because of this to a disgusting piece of shit habit like cigars, shit that stinks up the entire house, go **** yourself. Completely ignore this tools advice Misslissa, he never said that.

[General Mac®]

See, this is were allllllllllllllllllllll women go wrong. When your with him before having a baby you do everything for him, you stay in shape and you give damn good sex just because you wanna keep him, soon as you have the baby, EVERYTHING is his fault, i dont blame you for gaining a few pounds post birth, but i do blame you for not acting on it immediately after. he fell in love with the woman you were before, not this naggy, chubby woman, us fellaz are very visual creatures, and if our lady isnt up to shape, we cant tell her to lose some coz it will offend her, we cant give hints coz thats even worse, he cant win, only you can.

As for the smoking cigars, he shouldnt really smoke them but its just his preference, maybe thats his stress relief from having a woman he loved change aswell. Everything you do from now is for the baby. sign up to a gym, go with him if possible, he will love you more for showing him you want him to be as affectionate as he was before.

OH and Lay of the snacks, let the kid snack, not you

[vashti]

That is some damned fine advice, Vashti.

I've seen lots of men have a hard time emotionally watching the woman they love transition from girl to mother. The first few years with a new baby can be really hard.

[NeoSeminole]

OV says:

"You compare something that she can not control like having a baby and gaining some weight because of this to a disgusting piece of shit habit like cigars, shit that stinks up the entire house, go **** yourself. Completely ignore this tools advice Misslissa, he never said that."

nukka please! She can most certainly control her weight after pregnancy. Having a baby is no excuse to be out of shape for 2 yrs. I can understand where the fiancee is coming from. He feels that she's already settling down with him, and they aren't even married yet. It doesn't matter how many times she tells him that she loves him. Her procrastination to lose weight doesn't exactly quell his doubts. As for cigar smoking, I agree that it's a bad habit. However, it can't be much worse than watching the beautiful woman that you fell in love with become overweight.

[vashti]

Neo - you are projecting your own issues onto him. You don't know that he feels as strongly about this as you would, and as I pointed out already, we have no idea how much weight we are talking about. Besides, if he thinks SHE is settling, it sounds like he is having some issues with himself, not with her.

[NeoSeminole]

vashti, you might be correct. I may be projecting my own issues onto him. However, in my defense I can relate to how another man thinks better than you. The OP mentioned that her fiancee said he feels like she's settling down with him. Normally, this is understood to mean (at least to me) the woman is not maintaining her physical attractiveness.