how can a father ignore his bio son

[lamarthe]

I had an affair. We had a baby. He went back to his wife, (yes I know I was an idiot, an idiot in love!! ) I thought we would end up together cause that's what we agreed. I am trying to be brief but eventually he went back to his wife and kids. From being the one and only, I went to nothing, a nuisance.
A story in itself. The baby wasn't an accident - we so enjoyed making the little one.

But, he doesn't want to have anything to do with our baby. He has two teenage kids with his wife. I don't need the money. His wife and kids are evangelical Christians,they practice a lot, he is kind of too, probably not as much. Not sure if that matters. I

The question is: How is it possible for him not to be interested at all in this baby? I just don't understand . We wanted it. I am over him although he broke my heart real bad but I just don't understand that he can be so detached from his own flesh and blood. I have overcome my broken heart btw, never thought I would. Took me over a year. But I have. That's so great.


Just that it's impossible for me to comprehend this. I tried at first
to explain to him that it might be important for him to know about the baby.
Not to actively get involved but to show some interest. Where/how/what.
Nothing too big. The minimum. Because one day I might have to tell the truth...

I stopped. The baby is now 16 months. We don't really talk anymore.

So boys - how is it possible for some of you to not feel a connection with your own flesh and blood?

[vashti]

I think for many men, the sense of connection arises from actual regular contact with babies. If they don't have it, chances are good that there will be no relationship.

Also, I wouldn't discount the fact that involving himself with you and your baby increases the risk of divorce with his wife, and the loss of children that he actually HAS a relationship with already. I don't think many men would risk that. All he wanted you for was a little fun on the side, and now all you and your baby represent are his failures.

If I were you, I would tell your baby something BESIDES his dad didn't want him.

[lamarthe]

If I were you, I would tell your baby something BESIDES his dad didn't want him.

Yes, most certainly. And it sounds as if you interpreted the situation very well.
Thanks, great answer.
I am a bit detached cause I have no feelings left for him. Still, I just find it unreal. Guess I am not a man. Just unable to quite undersatnd.

[TDurden]

Speaking as a man I can't imagine not caring about a child I had.

But I know there are a lot of people out there (men and women) who genuinly feel no sense of responsibility to their offspring. But my guess is that's not the case with this guy, rather it's like vashti said, he doesn't want to endanger his current situation with his family.

[misombra]

this reminds me of the scarlet letter.

[Gigabitch]

I have a Lamarthe purse.

On topic, I think the answer is in the question. He was cheating on his wife when he engendered this child.

Cheater = asshole.

He is an asshole, and therefore can quite easily walk away from his child.

Q.E.D.

[anachronistic]

this reminds me of the scarlet letter.

This reminds me of Brokeback Mountain. I haven't even seen it, though.

[The Great OV!!!]

are evangelical Christians,they practice a lot, he is kind of too,

The ****ing irony.

[lamarthe]

Thanks guys. Kind of comforting to know I am not totally mental to want him to care. Or wanted him to care. Anyway - he loses out at the end. I have no regrets as far as having the baby goes. I couldn't imagine not having given birth.
The most wonderful thing I did. And he is a monster, that's how I see it. It's just not humanly possible to act this way.

[Gigabitch]

Count your belssings that you can walk away without him trying to control what happens to your son. Many, many women would love to have that.

[lamarthe]

I know, you can imagine how devastated I was when it all fell apart. That's a story in itself. So pathetic. But now that I am finally back on my feet and I don't
really feel anything for him. Anyway, as I said it's his loss. I did try. He really wasn't into it. And I have a beautiful baby!

[Gigabitch]

Sperm theif! LOL!

Why didn't you come to LF when you were devastated? I hope you stick around- you sound strong, and I think a lot of women come here in the throes of a terrible breakup where they can't see that the guy isn't worth fighting for- you could set them straight.

[lamarthe]

It took me a year to recover. It was awful. But I had no choice. He left without turning back. And then just when I thought I would get better, I would relapse. I did a lot of soul searching, therapy (yes it helped me loads) and just wanted to recover. I touched rock bottom in the process.
It was the most painful experience of my life so far. Horrid. I am still amazed I am over it. Incredible.

Of course I eventually realized he wasn't worth it, but I also agree with Vashti: he had to chose and he chose them, the people he had been with for twenty years. His family/ It makes sense. He has a life with them. Not with me.

What doesn't make sense is that it's precisely why I didn't want to get involved to begin with and he swore by all Saints we would make it. And I guess when it had to happen, he realized he had made a mistake and crushed me in the process. Collateral damage. I am the perfect example of becoming a complete fool when it comes to love

From being the center of his universe, we went to nothing.

The thing is, I don't need to forgive him, they always say you should. You don't, do as you feel like. We have no contact anymore. I don't hate him either. Indifference is what I feel. This is a very recent feeling. A great feeling. And I have told him in the past that if he wants to know about the baby, he knows how to find me.

I have visited another forum, it was my first one and I really didn't expect the virtual world to help as much as it did. I was desperate when I randomly landed there. I think forums are a sort of group therapy. Works for me.

My first impressions here are good. And I love Lamarthe bags .
You sound cool too.

[lamarthe]

There is no other choice really, we all know it. We just have to recover, we have the capacity and power to do so. We just need to decide that that is what we want and be ready to fight it even for a very long time. It's when I realized it the pain might never go away that I started healing. I could finally face my pain,
I wasn't afraid. THIS SOUNDS SO CORNY!!!

And of course there are some very good lessons to be learned..

[Gigabitch]

THIS SOUNDS SO CORNY!!!

Everybody likes corn.