Girlfriend Feels Useless

[silentlystill]

Hi,

My girlfriend is 17 and I'm 19, and for both of us, this is our first serious relationship. I feel I need to ask for help because I don't really have anyone else to turn to.

Our problem stems from being sexual. To cut to the point - because I don't ejaculate when she gives me a handjob - she keeps telling herself that she isn't making me happy and that she's useless, and she's losing confidence in it more and more everytime. I honestly don't know why I don't ejaculate with her because, as she knows, I can by myself - so I guess it's not a physical problem. She can't accept that it could be something in my head which is the problem, not her, and when I say it could be worry causing it, she says that I should feel comfortable with her by now. I do feel comfortable with her though, but the fact I haven't managed to ejaculate with her, and the thought of her feeling useless, does worry me.

We had a few weeks break from anything sexual to try and regain confidence for when we went back to it, and during that time I didn't, or feel the need to, masturbate myself. I thought that this may solve the problem, but after trying a handjob with my girlfriend again today, I still can't ejaculate... and now she is even more down than ever. I don't want to lose her but she often think that it's the only way.

I really need to get this sorted and our relationship back on the right track. Anything other than sexual things are just so perfect and we really do love eachother, and love being with eachother; but when she feels useless and like I'm even 'too good for her' it's horrible for both of us because we both do want this to work... yet I can see she finds it very hard to keep persisting, and can sometimes only see the easy way out of ending as the option.

Believe me, I would do anything for this girl, and I feel that it's such a shame we can nearly be over because of, basically, a handjob.

Please advise me on what to do/try. I guess my problem is mental, but I'm willing to try anything under the sun which could help me in ejaculating with her, and to re-assure her that it's not her who's at fault.

Thanks for listening.

[vashti]

Too much pressure to perform can make your mini-me anxious.

[silentlystill]

Thanks. I've learnt that... but what can I/we do?

My girlfriend is feeling more and more useless by the second and is telling herself that she is 'crap at anything sexual'.

I hate the thought of her feeling useless and I will do anything to show her she's not, but for starters I need to ejaculate when I'm with her.

[NeoSeminole]

jacking off? You do know there are other sexual things you two could try?

[Gigabitch]

jacking off? You do know there are other sexual things you two could try?

Exactly. Move the focus off of the handjob.

[Tiay]

..hey, I have never actually tried to get my bf off with just a handjob.. why would I, when oral is so much more fun?
You really have to move the focus from the hand job for a while.
also, you have to be reactive and encouraging when she's doing stuff. Things like, "wow, a hard on just from kissing? why, you sex queen you!", etc. Let her know how good the stuff she already can do is. build her confidence. Give her something she can do.
and yeah, pressure to perform can cause you to not perform. Do you think it is in your mind, or that she is not doing something the way you'd do it when you masturbate?

[cathliya]

well me and my boyfreind has the same problem...he's huge and my mouth is too small...so most of the time what we do is a half way blow job.... like i would suck it for a while then play it with my hand or let him go in for a while until he's close then pull it out and start sucking it till it comes (sorry sounds really dirty but thats how we do it). Even though i feel like i can't suck that well but at least its not as bad. The other way, is on the highway...no guys can't resists a blow job on the highway...and if that still doesn't work...make her go on top because that at least make her feel like she's in charge and she's doing the work... you just have to spice things up a little

[Tiay]

spicing up is for when you've mastered the basics and are bored of them, though.

[silentlystill]

Thanks.

So how can I improve her confidence and show her that I am happy? I'm erect most of the time when we kiss etc and she knows that, so she knows she turns me on... but still she feels so useless and pathetic which is really taking a strain on our relationship.

When she gives me a handjob I feel kind of lost like I don't know what to do with myself so that's another reason why I probably don't look like I'm enjoying it - that coupled with the fact we're both worrying.

We've tried lube to make it better, which helped alot, but she still doesn't think she's making me happy, and it's really hurting her inside. It's hurting me too, because I just want her to be happy knowing she can make me happy sexually... but she seems to give up too easily and even though it's 'our' problem she is so hard to talk to about it when she's not in the mood to talk. Other times we can talk very well and plan what we could do etc.

[Tiay]

Didn't I just reply to this? I said, you gotta give her something she can do. Reward her for every little thing she does right.

most guys get hard from making out. But I didn't know that when it happened with my bf. He was like, wow, you're sexy, you turn me on so much, you're great, etc. And that made (and still does) me feel great about my sexuality in that crucial time when I had never done any of those things before.

You need to say these things, not just assume she knows them because you're obviously turned on. Of course, maybe you do say those things. I'm just suggesting stuff.

Do something other than a hand job. OR, if you're so damn set on that one damn thing ––which I don't recommend because if you're "attacking the problem" you're already seeing it as a problem, and that already decreases the chances of you being able to come–– then you gotta at least *help* her. Don't just be like "well, there's my penis. good luck" and just lie there not showing any signs of enjoyment.
If this is the first time she's even handled a penis, she can't instantly know how to work it. Penises are *scary* things! You gotta SHOW her how you masturbate, where she's just watching, then gradually guide her hands or something. And don't jerk off without her. EVER. You'll come with her hands on you in no time.

edit: also, why doesn't she try oral? Or she could just try licking it a bit. Especially the frenulum.

Most importantly, you two have to stop worrying and start just enjoying yourselves, orgasm or no orgasm.

[silentlystill]

Thanks, well I realised we were probably just blaming ourselves more than anything, and so I asked her if she'd like me to show her what makes me feel good and if she'd like to experiment more sexually.

I hope this helps.

[Tiay]

yeah, I wish you the best. gosh, you've both got so much learning to do about each other and yourselves. It'll be a lot fun if you approach it the right way. (: updates please.

[silentlystill]

Now she is undecided with what she wants, and she is very reluctant to try anything else sexually, even though I'd said that I will gladly show her how to pleasure me, help her restore confidence in it. To me it's the only thing really which can help right now, but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle on my own.

She has also stated how she's lost so much confidence and self esteem lately - I have a fair idea that it comes from her parents constant disapproval and her hating college. Whenever I say this though it's like she doesn't want to accept this could be a reason.

[A-GAME]

Man, you love her! she loves you! Will you give it all just for a lousy handjob??!! I think that both of you should get serious and look at the big picture.
Just let the power of love overcome the need for ejaculation!!!

[silentlystill]

Haha A-Game - you know, that's exactly what I told her! And she began to see sense.

Today we made big progress - not on the sexual side - but just being together again - and we are seriously more happy now than ever! Thanks for the advice!