Phobia of Sex

[Sooky]

I've always had a negative view of sex and have been scared of the idea of sex for a long time. I thought I was getting more comfortable with the idea and starting to even look forward to it in someways. But some sexual things my bf says scares me to death and makes me dread the idea. I'm even thinking of ending the relationship as me and my bf seem to have such different views of sex and life in general.

Anyone else had fears or doubts about sex? Just wandering if theres ways you can overcome this fear, or is it best just to accept that you were not meant for sex and move on. Or should I just stop worrying about it and see what happens, just dont do anything I'm not comfortable with?

[vashti]

How old are you, and are you religious?

[Sami09]

Why are you scared. Did something in the past happened that made you

this way. How old have you been with your bf and how old are you?

[Gigabitch]

Just go slow- you deserve to enjoy sex as much as anyone, but it sounds pretty intense. I assume you've been told all of your life that sex is bad. Is that the cause of your fear?

[Sooky]

I'm not religious in any way and I havent been told my whole life that sex is bad. I'm now 23 so I know I'm pretty old to still be a virgin by todays standards, but I confess I've extremely little experience with relationships and this one is really my 1st. We've been going out quite a few months and we get on pretty well most of the time.

We've slept in the same bed and we've done a lot of other foreplay stuff. In some ways I enjoy it, but I always feel like its never enough for him and that he'll never be happy with what I'm comfortable with. Some things I really am against and some I'm getting used to. I dont know. Its just so intense. I feel like I'm loosing myself some how. Changing to fit in with what he wants and I dont like it. I become very submissive around him and I find it really hard to tell him what I'm feeling. I don't like it. Its almost like I'm 2 people. More confident when we're just hanging out or I'm at home, and submissive when it comes to more intimate things. I love giving him pleasure, but I dont feel comfortable when he does things to me. It just makes me feel dirty and used.

Is this normal, or am I a complete freak? People have told me that sometimes you have to do things you dont like in a relationship to keep your partner happy and I'm guessing sex is one of those things? Either give in to it or sacrafice the relationship and be prepared to live alone?

[vashti]

Is he asking to to participate in behavior that is outside what is considered "normal"? I mean, can you be a little more specific? If he is asking a virgin for anal sex, for example, or bondage, or spankings, I can see why you are scared. It is hard to know without a little more detail.

[Gigabitch]

I suppose it's possible to find that one-in-a-million (not exaggerating, here) guy who won't be disappointed if you don't have sex with him in your relationship, but you're not with him, are you?

Yes, Sooky, it's weird. You know it is. It doesn't mean that you can't have a good life, but it's well out of the range of normal feelings about sex, and that usually comes from somewhere, doesn't it? You don't honestly think that you're just naturally averse to sex, do you?

You, yourself call it a phobia. That's a psychological malaise. You weren't born this way.

[Blix]

See a Psychiatrist.

~Blix

[Tiay]

are you confident in your body?

I ask 'cos I used not to be, and it made me be scared of intimacy. Heck, until recently I even declined receiving oral and made my poor bf feel useless because I only wanted to give pleasure and it was the receiving that seemed like a more of a chore.
ok, if that's not it, then I can't think of anything else that hasn't already been mentioned.. so maybe take blix up on his advice.
and please keep us posted

[Sooky]

Blix- Well I tried councilling for quite a while but it didn't really help me. I still feel the same. I still feel uncomfortable with sexual things. I guess there wasn't really much point posting this and it must be quite irritating to all of you, so I appologise. However, I thought it might be interesting to see what other people thought about this. I guess my ideas about these things are very unique after all. In the end I guess I'll have to decide, put up with sex to keep my partner happy or live alone. Those really are the only choices and I'm deluding myself to think otherwise. I know I am. I know I'm weird.

Gigabitch - I know guys who are happy not to have sex are essentially non-existant, and I don't expect to find one. Thats why I know its suffer the sex or live alone. And as stupid and unbelievable as it may sound, yes I do think I'm naturally adverse to sex. No idea why really. No doubt theres some really complex psycological reason for it, but not that I understand. Well not yet anyway. Though I will keep trying to understand why my ideas are so off the spectrum.

Vasti- Well it was when he mentioned some more unusual ideas that I freaked out. So that might be what scared me. Even the thought of anal sex gives me the creaps and makes me quiver.

Tiay - I guess in a way I feel like you do. Happy to give pleasure but not to recieve it. Guess that is pretty weird. But I don't think its just because I'm not confident in my body (though thats definately true). Think maybe in some ways I'm just scarred to give that much control over myself to another person. I don't like being submissive. I am very shy, but I tend to rebel against it. And anything that makes me more shy I want to avoid, and so I want to avoid sex. (See this is all the type of stuff you go over in councilling, all this rubbish that doesn't really mean anything!)

Anyway, think for now I'll just keep trying and see how things go. You never know one day I may change my mind, I may become comfortable with sex. Or one day my bf will get fed up of waiting for me and I'll live alone. The only thing positive to do here is to look for the advantages in both lifestyles and just learn to live with whatever happens.

Sorry to waste this space. Thanks for all your ideas and suggestions. Its always interesting to see how others view things.

[vashti]

Vasti- Well it was when he mentioned some more unusual ideas that I freaked out. So that might be what scared me. Even the thought of anal sex gives me the creaps and makes me quiver.

.

Lots of women are put off by the idea of anal sex. You are far from alone in that matter. If you aren't interested, just say no. Men hear it all the time. As far as the rest of it goes, people are generally uncomfortable with new experiences. Perhaps you should just go slow, and gain some practice.

Have you been able to bring yourself to orgasm? If you haven't, you should work on that all by yourself. You need to learn that we are all made to experience pleasure, and we are all ENTITLED to it. You might feel more of an interest once you know what it is people are seeking.

Also, are you taking birth control pills? They are known to diminish sex drive, which could be contributing to your apathy.

[Tiay]

Get a better councilor maybe? or however that work is spelled.

I guess there wasn't really much point posting this and it must be quite irritating to all of you, so I appologise.

not at all! I just hope you get something out of this.

the thought of anal sex gives me the creaps

eh, that's nothing unusual. I don't like the idea of it either- I'd bet most girls don't find it appealing.

Happy to give pleasure but not to recieve it.

yeah, i'm still a bit like that. I know some guys would joke "a girl that only wants to give pleasure and doesn't want anything in return? great!". But there's a BIG difference between being a selfless lover, and closing yourself off like that. That phase really was hard on my BF, and the whole thing made me feel, once more, that there was simply something wrong with me. Maybe it comes from being hypothyroid and taking pills all my life, but I've always - even as a kid - had the feeling that there was something deeply, deeply medically wrong with me. Like i'm rotten at the core.

Would you be comfortable to lie back, have the lights on and let your bf see you? and by "see you", I specifically mean.. specific parts.

(way to go tiay, that was so tactful...)

'cos if you're not, that's a big part of the problem. Believe me, once you sort that part out, you can actually start *enjoying* yourself, even if there are still other issues going on. Before I got over that hurdle, heavy petting, while I did also like it, was also a chore.. it filled me with .. I want to say 'dread', but that's too strong a word. In the end, my bf was so open and trusting to me, I owed it to him to get over my issues with my body and open up to him.

I'm just scarred to give that much control over myself to another person

and it is that handing over control over that is so very important to the whole thing. I'm not even talking about sex specifically, but all forms of intimate contact.

Thats why I know its suffer the sex or live alone

That makes me really sad. It doesn't have to be like that.

Sorry to waste this space.

don't be ridiculous girl! This thread is one of the most interesting ones in a while.

[Gigabitch]

Sooky, your posts indicate a shocking low level of self-esteem. How is posting this a "waste of space"? Look at this and apply it to your low sex-drive.

[Sooky]

Sooky, your posts indicate a shocking low level of self-esteem. How is posting this a "waste of space"? Look at this and apply it to your low sex-drive.

I totally agree. I'll be the first to admit that low self esteem is one of the many psycological problems that drives me crazy. But to me it seems that being submissive to my partner during sexual activities and supressing my own views about sex isnt helping me. I do have moments of cofidence, but I worry that when my ego takes over I will get overconfident and upset people with my views and feelings, especially my partner. If I told him a lot of the stuff I was feeling + how I viewed sexual things he would probably take it personally and get upset. Also I guess I'm worried that if I let my confident side take over I'll push him away, because he'll relise that I'm very different from him and that it will be very difficlt to change my mind about things.

I dont know. I know I sound crazy. I probably am crazy in many ways. I just wish I could be myself but not have to live alone. At the moment at least, it seems thats almost impossible. And I have to supress myself to some extent to keep a relationship.

I'm so messed up. I bet it would take a life time for a counciller to sort me out.

[vashti]

I'm so messed up. I bet it would take a life time for a counciller to sort me out.

I doubt it, but the sooner you start, the sooner you will be done with it.

BTW - if you are concerned about "losing control", you can try being the dominant partner. YOU can go on top. Hell, you can even tie him down to ensure you maintain control. He probably would like it.

Fear of not being in control can be worked with.