Desperately need help, emotional cheating?

[trueleila]

i am hoping someone can help me with my situation. i've been with my boyfriend now for close to two years. a couple times during our relationship i had noticed on the computer that he was visiting porn sites. these sites are not just regular porn sites, but escort sites that are local in our area. i mentioned it to him one time and he said he didn't mean anything by it and he was just curious, also he wasn't looking for anyone to do those thing's with. i talked to him about it and explained to him how it makes me feel and he said he wouldn't do it again. a year and some months go by and i noticed on the computer he did it again, same sites but also he was checking out yahoo personals as well as sexual chat rooms. i didn't say anything about it, stupidity i guess. but last night i noticed he was on a website called craig's list, and looked up erotic encounters. he said he was looking for a sofa and happend to come across it. i tried talking to him about it, how i feel that is emotional cheating but he just kept bringing up hurts i've caused him in the early stages of the relationship. i never cheated or gone on those sites. he said "you hurt me, now it's your turn so deal with it." he blamed me for him doing those thing's, he said that if i was there for him more he wouldn't have to do those thing's. between everyone here on this site and me i try my ass off to be there for him in everyway, but it isn't good enough. if he wants to discuss something, he says i don't say the "right thing's" at the "right time." i'm constantly working at that. i told him that i was doing everything i could to be there for him more in every way, and i'm trying to strengthen our relationship. what do you all think? am i over reacting like he thinks i am? is it just me that thinks/feels it is emotional cheating? if a man truely loves a woman do they still seek porn? thank you.

[Gigabitch]

Yes, they will still seek porn. They're horny dogs. What can you do? Just decide for yourself whether the level of annoyance is intolerable. Looking at porn isn't cheating, and the phrase "emotional cheating" is somewhat specious.

To me, the big issue is the fact that he's trying to blame his behavior on some old pain you caused him early in your relationship. You need to get some rules going. Bringing up something in the distant past is poisonous. Both of you need to let go of what's happened before and concern yourselves with what's happening now.

In case you haven't noticed, you and your boyfriend are both more interested in being right than being happy. You both need to learn to let shit go.

[trueleila]

i'm not concerned with being right, i'm concerned with both our happiness. all i want is for us both to be happy without any issues/hangups. i mentioned to him about bringing up the past when we are talking about something that has been done presently. he said "too bad." i've always wanted and told him that if he wasn't happy or if he is lacking something from me to come and talk to me, i'm no damn mind reader. i'm sorry, but to me going on a personals site, looking into escort sites is emotional cheating. if you have/had a man would you do that? there are sometimes he has hurt me but i have never done that to him and certainly do not rehash past hurts.

[vashti]

Emotional cheating occurs between two actual PEOPLE, not some girl on a porn website. Emotional cheating is when your man loves someone else, even though they aren't having sex. Do you think he LOVES the girls on a porn website?

I agree with Giga. I understand that some women are particularly sensitive to issues surrounding porn, but your problem is NOT what you are thinking it is.

[Gigabitch]

The porn is a symptom, not the problem.

[trueleila]

Escort sites are not porn sites, the ones he was looking at were where he could call and have one come over or he can go there. So your saying it's ok that a man who has a girlfriend can browse around in sexual chat rooms, personals sites, and escort sites? Again, I am not concerned with being right. I admitted to him that I was wrong for hurting him and I apologized, and trying to make our relationship stronger. I was only expressing how what he was doing was making me feel.

[vashti]

I wouldn't say that it is okay, but again, this behavior is a symptom of a more serious problem.

You should decide what behavior you will tolerate, and what you will not. You aren't likely to change him, and you should not accept things you find intolerable.

[Gigabitch]

Did he make an appointment? If not, it's just a fantasy. That doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't love/ want/ need you.

If you've apologized for past hurts, he either needs to accept this apology and leave it in the past, or refuse it and break up with you. He can't whip it out and beat you with it every time you are upset with him.

[trueleila]

i do agree this is a sign of an underlying problem/issue, and that is why i tried talking with him about it to find out if it was me, if i was/or wasn't doing something he wanted, if he was lacking anything but he would not open up. it's like he just clams up and says he doesn't want to discuss it, talking to me is like talking to a wall. when he says that i tell him to make me understand, and i do my best to. i don't know if he made an appt. he always brings up the past hurts, no what we may argue about he says those hurts are "relevant" to the arguement at hand. he claims i'm not there for him like i should be, i need to be a better g/f because the house isn't cleaned enough (which that is utter BS), his laundry isn't done in one day, or i don't do enough for him. i wonder if I'M so bad why is he even with me.

[Gigabitch]

i do agree this is a sign of an underlying problem/issue, and that is why i tried talking with him about it to find out if it was me, if i was/or wasn't doing something he wanted, if he was lacking anything but he would not open up. it's like he just clams up and says he doesn't want to discuss it, talking to me is like talking to a wall. when he says that i tell him to make me understand, and i do my best to. i don't know if he made an appt. he always brings up the past hurts, no what we may argue about he says those hurts are "relevant" to the arguement at hand. he claims i'm not there for him like i should be, i need to be a better g/f because the house isn't cleaned enough (which that is utter BS), his laundry isn't done in one day, or i don't do enough for him. i wonder if I'M so bad why is he even with me.

Big mistake. Huge. Quit submitting to him like you're a beaten animal. The more you post about this, the worse it sounds. Look, being flinchy is like a self-fulfilling prophesy. You go belly-up and cower, and put yourself down, and assume it might be your problem and he loses all respect for you and treats you like a doormat. I know it's hard not to feel like a doormat when he's walking on you. This is the position you're in.

IMO, sex sites are the very least of your problems. He's an emotional vampire.

Why are you with him, again?

[vashti]

i do agree this is a sign of an underlying problem/issue, and that is why i tried talking with him about it to find out if it was me, if i was/or wasn't doing something he wanted, if he was lacking anything but he would not open up. it's like he just clams up and says he doesn't want to discuss it, talking to me is like talking to a wall. when he says that i tell him to make me understand, and i do my best to. i don't know if he made an appt. he always brings up the past hurts, no what we may argue about he says those hurts are "relevant" to the arguement at hand. he claims i'm not there for him like i should be, i need to be a better g/f because the house isn't cleaned enough (which that is utter BS), his laundry isn't done in one day, or i don't do enough for him. i wonder if I'M so bad why is he even with me.

Sometimes, it ain't about YOU. I would try to avoid imagining you have so much power over his mental state, if I were you.

[trueleila]

i don't claim to have any power over his mental state, he says those thing's to me which in turn makes me think that maybe i am doing something wrong. as for the supportive part, he is supportive in some ways and others he has been rather harsh. i do all those thing's for him because he owns his own company and he says he doesn't have time do those thing's, so i try and help him out the best i can. i didn't cower and submit after he made those deragatory remarks to me and after what he did. he knows i'm upset about it. last night after our arguement i was counting my change for gas (he makes more money than i), and he was trying to give me money, and offer me cigarettes. today he is acting like nothing happened, like we aren't suppose to talk aboout our problems but sweep it under the rug. i am with him because i luv him despite our problems, and i would like to work through them if possible.

[vashti]

i don't claim to have any power over his mental state, he says those thing's to me which in turn makes me think that maybe i am doing something wrong. .

Do you really think if you were gone, he would give up the porn sites?

It isn't about you.

Set some boundaries. You only get what you will settle for.

[Mathias]

You only get what you will settle for.

This should be quoted, and quoted often.

Why is everyone in here content to settle for shitty partners? Honestly.

You ALL are better than that. Every one of you. Damn, people.

[trueleila]

thank u all so much for listening and giving me advice. i will try once more to talk w/him this weekend and post here the outcome monday. have a great weekend.