Serious jealousy/trust issues.. need help (long)

[Batboy08]

Hi all,

I have a hunch this may be a VERY long post, but please take the time to read it and reply, as I am extremely stressed out about my relationship with my girlfriend. ANY feedback that you might have would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks in advance for taking the time to help.

My girlfriend and I (both 20 years old) have been together for just over 2 years. I'd be lying if I said it was anything less than incredible. These have been the best 2 years of my life, and this girl is the most amazing person I have ever met. She is absolutely gorgeous, extremely smart, funny, caring and so very unique. I know it sound a little bit cliché, but I honestly can't see myself living without her, she means everything in the world to me and more.

With that being said, I've set out on a "mission" to try to fix some big issues I am currently facing in regards to the jealousy and insecurity I am experiencing. It wasn't until my ex-girlfriend that I thought of myself as a jealous person, but now it's gotten so bad that I think it might be tearing my current relationship apart. My ex ended up cheating on me and I had a really tough time dealing with it because she was my first girlfriend. I ended up heading into my current relationship with my guard clearly up with no intention of letting them down anytime soon. Since then I have always been suspicious about everything, especially after my current girlfriend informed me that she had cheated on her ex a few times... but of course told me she would never ever do it again because she is so much more in love with me. Not only that, but I did end up starting a relationship with her while she was dating that same guy and she ended up dumping him and immediately seeing me. At the time that was great, something most guys would brag about... but I look back and think it may be a huge part of my current insecurities, feels like it could easily happen to me.

After about a year of what I think to be the best year of my life, the first issue came up when I invaded her computer (another issue I will talk about later) and found out that a random guy she had met on vacation was emailing her. I am certain she did not do anything with him while on vacation (as she was there with her Mother), but I did end up finding out that she and him had fooled around on webcam. I, of course, confronted her about this and she felt awful. She was extremely apologetic and convinced me that she had succumbed to the hands of her insecurity about her looks. The guy was giving her a lot of attention and she went along with it. Fortunately it was over the computer and not in person, unfortunately it was that issue that sparked the 24/7 thought of “would she cheat on me?”… before that I had very very rarely even thought of it.

Another year passes with my occasional outbursts of jealousy, but no major incidents. Then, this summer while I was on vacation, she ended up going on a little “date” with some guy she had met while I was away. Her motive for going on the “date” stems from her Mother's theory that "you should never limit yourself from new experiences, meet all the people you can”. I know her Mother would never ever try to convince her to cheat on me, but she did convince my girlfriend to go hang out with this guy one night while I was away (she was bored) and so she did. The problem was that I had once again read an email to her friend talking about how gorgeous he was, and how all she wanted to do was make-out with him. Fortunately she never did, and their meeting never resulted in anything more because they had nothing in common. She confirms that in the email by talking about the awkward silences she had with him as well as how different they were. She also asked her friend if she was a bad person for doing it, so the good news is there seems to be some morals coming into the picture. Since then she has convinced me that the "date" was nothing, it was something for her to do because she was so bored with me away. Something I believe because the only time we don't hang out everyday is when one of us is out of town or working/studying. At this point in the relationship I was pretty hurt, especially at the fact that she had lied to me and told me that she only hung out with a couple of her close friends and her mom while I was gone. She didn't want to tell me because she knew I would be upset, and since it was not a significant relationship-risking thing, she didn't want to start a fight over nothing. Good intentions on her part, but I still found out and it only made it worse. Furthermore, it has made me start thinking… what if they had a lot in common, what would have happened... I also read in that same email that she had not missed me while I was on vacation because it gave her a chance to hang out with her mom and close friends, things she doesn't do much because we hang out so often. Fair enough, but a hard thing to read. Some other comments she made about that email when I confronted her about it, was that it was girl talk and by her saying she wanted to make-out with this guy that was only saying he was really good looking, not literally wanting to make-out with him.

Since that incident I have been paranoid about what she is doing when she isn't with me, specifically when she is talking to her friends on MSN/Email. She has one guy on her MSN (who she actually fooled around with once before while she was with her last boyfriend) and I can't stand the fact that they keep in touch. She tells me she only talks to him while she is bored at work, and the only thing they talk about is his girlfriend. I really find this hard to believe because I know this guy and know that he is a scumbag that is only looking to fool around with her, she knows it too. She tells me over and over that she is not the least bit attracted to him anymore and doesn't even consider him a friend, but yet they still talk sometimes on MSN. One night he even text messaged her late at night asking what she was doing and that she should call him. Her response was that he was probably drunk and looking for a late night bootie call, apparently it was completely out of the blue. Obviously what am I to think? We had a major fight, and since then it's something I think about every day. I don't think she would do anything with him since I am usually hanging out with her everyday, but I am scared of what might happen if I am out of town, or if deep down inside her she really is thinking of him. She has promised me that nothing would ever happen, and that nothing will ever happen. She has said it time and time again "I will never cheat on you." I want to believe it so badly, but I am having a really tough time.

Am I wrong to be so jealous? Or am I taking things way overboard? I told her my feelings about all of this and we are still trying to work everything out, I just wanted to see what you guys think.

Some other issues affecting my feelings towards her are a few little lies she has told. Like I said before, she told me that she had not hung out with anyone when she did in fact see this guy. Also, I find that when she gets in trouble from her Mother for small things she will lie her way out of in an attempt to dodge her Mothers anger. I know those aren't huge lies, but they are things that are on my mind and make me wonder if she lies about other things.

I don’t want it to sound like she is the bad guy here, I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have invaded her computer/email... something I also feel ashamed of, but found things that really showed me where our relationship is really at. At this point I am not sure if I regret doing it, but will say that I am never going to check her email again because I understand it is just as big a problem as my jealousy and the last thing I want to do is make her resent me. That’s something I can easily control, whereas my feelings I cannot. I also bring up the past quite often after we have agreed to get past it… I think that’s because I just hold my feelings in for so long that I can no longer stand it. It’s my very immature way of telling her I still don’t feel 100% about things.

I really don't know what to think at this point, she always manages to back her way out of every issue (except the webcam one which she took full responsibility for and felt terrible about). I want to believe her so bad, but I am having a very tough time. I just need to get over this whole jealousy/trust thing because it's the only negative issue I think that we have (albeit a big one). She always tells me how she is 100% in love with me and I believe her. I also believe she would do almost anything for me, I know I would for her. I’m just scared this is tearing us apart because the resentment is building and I’m finding it harder and harder to treat her to surprises and show my love in the cute ways relationships need.

Any advice is appreciated,
Thanks so much!!!

[vashti]

Sorry, my friend, but you might want to consider a cliff notes version...

[Batboy08]

Yeah sorry about the length, I didn't want to leave anything out especially when it's over such a serious situation.

[vashti]

Based on the first couple of paragraphs and the last one, it looks like you snooped in your girlfriends email and found out something you wish you hadn't, right? Do you think she is not trustworthy now?

[Batboy08]

I want to say yes... but I think the real answer is no because it crosses my mind so often.

She leaves for lawschool in about a year, do I just coast until then and then go our seperate ways for her 3-4 years of school? I'm thinking that we will both mature in that time, but it then runs the risk of us actively trying to find others.

[vashti]

It is pretty hard to maintain long distance relationships when there aren't any trust issues. I can't imagine that it would be easy when you have trust issues, you know what I mean? Most relationships need face to face time to flourish.

BTW - I did SKIM your post. Your girlfriend is dating other men once in a while and engaging in web-cam stuff. I think you have a serious problem, and it isn't her mother. Protect your heart.

[Rob26]

I read the whole thing. Your girlfriend isn't trustworthy and would/will cheat on you when she has the opportunity -- which is coming with law school.

I'm going to ask why that bothers you since you know she's slept around quite a bit already?

It sounds as if she really likes being around you and even after sleeping with someone else would still want to be with you.

[Batboy08]

My gut is kind of telling me she may just be in it for the convenience and comfort. I don't think anyone can deny that it is nice to be wanted, and I truely adore this girl (or once did...). She doesn't have a whole lot of money (as she is a VERY VERY hard working student) or will power so I see myself as a sort of a safe haven. She hasn't been without a boyfriend for a solid 4 years now, I question wether or not she is afraid of depending on herself. She's a bright girl though, i'm sure she could manage but I think she is just scared to try.

Also, I guess I consider myself to have a reasonable amount of money and she enjoys me treating her like a princess, something I am certain came from the influence of her mother.

[Rob26]

Well, she may cheat on you from time-to-time. It sounds like she needs attention and when you're not around she gets it my letting some guy sleep with her.

If you've got money and treat her like a princess and take care of her, I doubt she'd ever throw you over -- if that's what you're worried about. Women are very practical.

[Batboy08]

nonono... I think you misinterpreted my original post. I don't think she has slept with anyone while we have been together, i just can't get the thought out of my head because all signs point to danger.

I can't deal with holding it in anymore so I need to let it out and see if it gets resolved. If not then, at least I'll be happy to have a clear mind.

[Rob26]

I know she hasn't slept with anyone else since she's been with you but she made several starts in that direction. Put her on her on her own -- away from you, I mean -- and she'll continue down that path until she *does* sleep with someone else.