Relationship with 25y older married man

[Belga]

Hi everyone,

I'm a 24 year old girl and I've never had a real relationship/boyfriend before. This summer I went to another country to improve my language skills and I staid in a host family. I was really happy there because I really liked the people from my class a lot and the family was also great. I loved the children. I could have staid there forever. But after a while, the father of the family, a man of 49 y. of age, told me that he liked me and that he wanted to know me better. I was really surprised by that, because he really seemed rather a familyman to me and not at all a "don juan" type. I was also upset because although it's true that I liked him a lot as a person and that maybe there were feelings, I didn't want to ruin anything in the family. That's why I turned him down when he asked me to go with him to explore the region and know eachoter a bit better. I really felt giulty, because all those things are nothing for me. I've never had a boyfriend although I'm 24 y old and now this happened to me. I was upset, angry and sad. But everytime I talked to him, it went very well and I have to admit that there were certain feeligns, but I didn't do anything about it, because I didn' t want to hurt the children or hurt the family and I told him several times how I felt. Every time though he said to me that things aren't so black and white, that love was out the relationship and that he really thought that we could be happy etc. I didn't react much to it, but accepted to keep in touch via mail... and I have to admit that I had more and more feelings although I didn't want to. In september the father of the family had to come near my house for his job and he asked me to meet him. He also continued saying that he missed me that I was beautiful etc etc ...and he came here and we went eating and I felt great, although also a bit guilty.. but nothing happened. We talked a lot and he said that he would really like to have a relationship with me, that he's serious, he never did something like this before and he even asked me to send him my cv (curriculum vitae) so that he could correct it and publish it on a website in his country. He told me that this way he hoped that in the futur I could come and live there, not too far from his home, so that we could be more together. He said honestly to me that at the moment he wouldn't leave his family for me because the children are still little but that he really liked me, that he was serious with me and that I had to be patient if I wanted. Nothing happened that day but I had really strong feelings although I didn't want it like that, but on the other hand I felt happy because finally someone paid attention to me and I never felt something like that before although all the conditions were negative: he's 49 y old, has two little children, is married and lives at more than 1000 km from my home. But I felt like blinded, I knew it was extremely difficult, but naive as I am, I hoped that maybe someday when the children were bigger, things would turn out more positive for me. Although I didn' know him that well, I felt like blinded and would have been prepared to move there eventually or to wait several years (but maybe that's not realistic) until his children were bigger. I hoped that maybe some day it would be easier, because he had told me that it wasn't possible now because his children are little and that is would only be afterwards... So this way he still left a sparkle of hope in me. AFter that day we spent together he went back home and everything went well for a few weeks. He said often that he liked me a lot that he missed me talked constantly about the cv and about coming to his land and going to live there. I thought (and still think) constantly about him, every minute of the day?. I don't understand myself because I know it's not ok, I feel guilty but the feeling is so strong and becomes always stronger as I get to know him more. I never felt this before. Then two weeks ago he called me and told me that he would come to a city near my home, again for his job and that he wanted to spend the weekend with me. First I was a bit hesitating because I still felt guilty although I have lots of feelings, but he succeeded to convince me and I started to think about it day and night. I really felt in love.. but then one day after I turned home from my job I had a strange phonecall. He called me and told me that he wouldn't come in november, that it wasn't possible and that it was all too difficult. I was really upset. I told him that I had sad that different times, before I had all those feelings inside of me and that he had told me that it would be ok and now that I felt so in love he said this. Then he told me something like "people have the right to change their opinion' and that I myself had said that I didn't want to hurt the children so this was the moment to sacrifice myself because otherwise I would be the reponsible of the rupture of his family etc... and that he wouldn't say anymore that he missed me or liked me etc because it wasn't appropriate. I really felt so bad, didn't know what I was hearing. I really had sad so many times that I didn't want to hurt his family and that it wasn't possible for me but he always told me that I was too black and white, that he adored me so much etc etc and at the end he really convinced me and I had so much feelings. Two days after that he called back and he said "ok november is fine by me, I thought about it again"...then three days later he said "osrry I had to postpone it, it will be in december". I asked him how he really felt about me and he continued saying that he missed me a lot and taht he wanted to be with me too and that I was too negative etc etc so I began "dreaming again. Now today I was at work and I received a message on my phone that he missed me but that he can't say that he loves me because he's a rather reserved person and he has to know me better because like this he can't say if he really has feelings for me and he added that if I would dare to mess up his family he would be really hard to me and he would break every contact. I was upset again, I would never call to his family and say what he told me, didn't even think about it. Every time that I feel good, it's like he gives me a punch on the head. I don' t know why. It began two, three weeks ago. Before all this began, I talked very long with him about all this the problems. It was me who told all the time that I didn't want it because of his family and he said the contrary, he wanted me to come and live close to him. At the end I was dreaming about him all the time, because my feelings are really strong. I don't understand why he uses all this against me now. He doesn't say anymore to go and live close to him. When I said that I wanted to be with him because I adore him so much, he responded that he's alarmed by my words because it's like if I want to come and live at his house and that's not possible because his wife is there etc etc.. and I only said it to show that I care, not at all to go and live there at his house. He even said to me that if I had hopes that some day we will be together I could forget it, because he would never do that, he would never leave his family and ruin everything he built up and not even when his children were bigger. He said that he wanted to pass his spare time with me, but that I didn"t have to have my hopes up for the futur, but live "carpe diem" and that some day I would find someone ells to build a family with and that this is only a transition period for me. I responded to him that we knew from the start that it would have been difficult that I asked him so many times about it that he had told me that he wanted me there and now he said this and that I'm not a person "carpe diem" because I see a relationship as something very important... and that I would even wait if necessary when his children were bigger.. but then he laught and told me that he's too old for me. I know that it's reality, but I love him anyway, I'm really so sure about it. I'm so upset. I feel guilty towards his wife but I've never had feelings so strong. He convinced me that it was ok, he told me he wanted to be with me and 2-3 weeks ago at a certain moment he began saying the contrary and before everything went wo well. I really had the impression that he was in love with me too and then without a warning, without a fight that changed completely. What do you think about this? I'm not looking for a judgement. I blame myself already enough. I just need to hear someone who understands, who had more ore less the same problem as I, an impossible love or a relationship with someone who's much older so that it's not accepted in the society..

Anyway thank you for listening to my story. I really needed to tell it because I feel suffocating sometimes. I know it's difficult, I think about him all the time, but before it was bearable because I was sure he felt the same. Now I begin to think I was wrong. I don't understand why he said then those things to me. I want him to be close to me and now I'm even afraid I'll never see him again. I feel so bad and apparently there's no hope. I just feel so powerless.

[vashti]

Ugh! Do yourself a favor and consider yourself lucky that things never evolved. I am *hoping* he simply came to his senses about what a disaster this was in the making.

Really, sweety, you aren't so young any more that this could have been written off as a youthful indiscretion. If something *feels* wrong to you, then it IS wrong, and you know it. You should listen to your head instead of your emotions. Your emotions are not to be trusted.

Just get busy with your life, and this will all begin to look like a bad dream after a while. BTW - you really need to start dating men who are more appropriate for your age.

[Mathias]

Ick.

I didn't read it, but I don't think I have to.

[Belga]

To reply: I 'm not trying to justify what's happening by using my "youth" as excuse. I thought a lot about it, I'm always thinking about it and I feel giulty towards the wife although nothing happened until now. I know that everything is difficult and I'm not trying to justify my actions. I know that the most logical thing is to listen to my head, but I can't, I tried, I think about him all day long. Im' sure of my feelings 100% although this isn't evident nor easy nor logical. I know it. I would never have thought that it would have been posisble if someone would have told me some years ago. My feelings are really strong. I know that it sounds bad, that you have a bad impression of me and all, but you don't know me. I'm not a "mankiller" (do you say that in english?) when I feel something for someone I'm really serious about it, although now it's not evident. I'm not looking for a judgment here. I just needed to express myself how I feel and maybe communicate with someone who has lived a story quite similar to mine.

Thank you for your help and understanding,

Take care

[RogerWilco]

Paragraphs, girl. Paragraphs.

[Belga]

Yes sorry .. I know.. it's a large block ;-).. I'll think about it next time!

Take care!

[derm]

Belga

Are you Belgian or German? Is this man Hollandish or where is he from?

It's just seems a tad strange to me. Could be a cultural thing that's more common in these areas, but it's still a bit wierd.

It's a recipe for disaster. He has a wife and family that he probably has no intention of leaving for you. You seem a bit naive to the whole scenario and I'm guessing the fact that your a bit inexperienced around guys made you lap up the attention he was showing towards you.

He's and old man in comparison to you. He should know better and of course he would be flattered by a younger girls attention. You should sever all ties. Get out and meet someone who's your own age and IS available.

[Belga]

I'm Belgian. I don't know if it's common here to be together with someone who's much older... I don't think so actually. It happens now and then and I know a few people, but it's not common.

[vashti]

Ever heard of mid-life crisis? He is having one, and you are merely an ego-booster. He doesn't love you. He is trying to imagine he is still young. If I were you, I would never speak to him again. You are betraying his wife who was decent and kind enough to host you in her house. Isn't it bad enough she is married to such a cad?

[derm]

I'm Belgian. I don't know if it's common here to be together with someone who's much older... I don't think so actually. It happens now and then and I know a few people, but it's not common.

Belgian thought as much. Knew by the good English

It was his culture I'm more interested in, he's the wierdo [Sorry if that upsets you but he is]

Listen to Vasti she's old and sensible enough to know

[vashti]

Listen to Vasti she's old

Hey!!

SMACK!!

[derm]

Hey!!

SMACK!!

Out of context my dear!

Just as well I didnt write 'old enough and ugly enough' as I had initially intended

[Gigabitch]

Out of context my dear!

Just as well I didnt write 'old enough and ugly enough' as I had initially intended

DAMN, you are being an asshole today. What crawled up your ass, Derm?

[derm]

DAMN, you are being an asshole today. What crawled up your ass, Derm?

Got my end of yr tax bill first thing this morning along with other bad news on another front.

Am I that transparent....really?

[Belga]

Hey

To answer to the question... he's French.

I just think also that I want him to love me, at first I was rather hesitating although I had feelings but then because we talked a lot about it he
convinced me.. and I began to imagine myself that it would be ok one day and that I would see later what to do and I really thought that he was in love with me, because why he says otherwise those thing while he has a family? If you don' t love someone else why do you have to do then those stupid things that can risk everything you have? So I thought that it must be real then and I began to think about him as someone who's always there and it's like I also need it that he says that he loves me, but now I'm not sure anymore what he thinks...It seems to me that everytime that he feels that I'm really serious about it he backs out and he gives me a punch on the head telling me that he will break the contact if I would try to say something at his family, while I didn't even think about it... or saying that he doesn't know what he feels for me because he first has to know me better and telling me that he's a rather reserved person... But why then he's a reserved person now and a few months ago and even a month ago not? It's like if I want to believe that it's goign to be ok, although I know that it isn't ok at all, but then I think "maybe in the futur it will be".. and I know it's very unlikely but I can't get it into my head although I know it. It's really weird. I would never have thought this about myself. Maybe it's because I have really strong feelings... so I want to keep them and I shut my eyes.. I don't know. I often ask him what he thinks about me, that I have the sensation the last few weeks that it isn't going so well and that I think he doesn't like me and then he always responds that it's my imagination, that I'm important to him as well and that he wants to see me back as soon as possible and that he misses me a lot...

But ok...that's enough for now I think ;-).. I'm going to go to bed.. So sleep tight and thanks for the reactions!