made a HUGE mistake..

[LivingInRegret]

whats up forum.. i have a situation i'd like to hear some love guru advice/suggestions on.

Um.. where to start.. lets see.. Im a 20 yr old college student and have never been in a 'real' relationship, my last gf was when I was 13 it was just a schoolyard type thing, it never got very personal/intimate (that is a pretty young age). Anyway I dont know how to explain it but I got really attatched to this girl at the time and after 7 years not a day goes by where I dont think about her (ive been told i need to see a psych lol). For example as a young teen I would use memories of her to calm myself down when I was frightened or upset (i was a little bit of a big baby). I leave the country that we were in shortly after getting severly attatched to this girl and havnt seen her since.

Somehow a few years later we catch up on MSN messenger and she asks me an odd question.. have i ever been in love? I answered yes, just once (keep in mind she knows shes the only girl I ever felt strongly about). Everything seems normal, she's still lives halfway accross the globe so it wasnt hard for us to loose touch again. About 5 years later (which would be now), we find eachother on an un-named social networking website and start talking again, talking for quite some time untill I pissed her off but thats yet to come. So we're talking again.. she seemed interested in me which made me so happy it'd be impossible for me to try to describe how I felt in words to you all. The first phone conversation we had after 5 years of not knowing if eachother existed she asks me to fly across the country (now both in college, we both goto school in the US so meeting up isnt impossible anymore) and I was on ****ing cloud 9. I was doing things that I've never been known to do. I walked around campus smiling at everyone I met, greeting strangers on occasion and just having a general happy go lucky attitude.. which is REALLY not my personality. Anyway everything was going so good I thought there would be no way I could screw it all up.. but I underestimated myself. Before I get a chance to buy a plane ticket I spill my guts to her through a private message and let her know how I still feel about her (on valentines day.. i was trying hard). This is where things turned sour, very sour. She seems happy at first but then tells me we're not right for eachother and that I shouldnt go see her if I still have feelings for her.

Then I do the dumbest thing a pursuing male could ever do to an innocent female. I let her know that I like porn (makes me sound sleazy, but I never moved on to other girls.. and growing up around a bunch of kids getting laid all the time and feeling like the only one not doing it can do things to a teenage boy's head). The last time I ever talked to her was in an angry phone call from her where she was extremely upset and called my parents stupid for how they raised me. I think I might of even made her cry, which absolutely tears me apart inside. Anyway I guess I would just like to know if you guys think there is ANY possible way to mend this situation.. because its been 8 months since the angry phone call and it sucks not being able to function properly or move on with life like an adult. I guess if this is irrepairable, I need some type of closure or something.. I dont know.. I guess thats why Im posting here and asking for insight. Please, please, please give me a suggestion on how to eventually get this girl back.

[vashti]

Which part was she more upset about - was it that you like porn or that you have been obsessing about her for all these years? I am more concerned about the latter issue.

If you have described the situation accurately, I think you DO need some professional help. You have idealized this girl to the point that you are not functioning as a guy your age ought to be, and this obsession is robbing you of normal experiences. I think you should leave the girl alone. This whole situation really isn't about her at all, even though I know you THINK it is.

[Mathias]

I agree with vashti. Seriously, guy...you were 13. She's a TOTALLY different person now, and she's not even close to the person you've built her up to be.

I see problems in your future, young one.

[Gigabitch]

She called your parents? WTF? You must have crossed a huge line. It's difficult to tell from here whether you were horribly inappropriate with her or she just freaked way out on your overshare.

The fact is, a lot of guys like porn. A lot. Most of them have the social grace to keep that to themselves when chatting with a potential girlfriend, but it's not like you have two penises or something, unless you like really weird porn. I'm assuming you're talking about the consenting adults kind of porn, not bestiality or child porn or anything like that.

I'd really like some more details about what exactly you said to her that caused this meltdown.

[LivingInRegret]

well I havnt exactly been obsessing over her for all these years. I used to have the ability to make myself just not think about something and put it out of my head and thats what I did with her for a good 7 years untill we started chatting again this last year like I said in my last post. I guess it was as close to moving on as I could get myself to do. As soon as we started chatting (internet) again and I saw her face in her pictures I completely lost that ability. Then like I said before, we talked on the phone and she seemed more excited to talk to me than I was to her which blew my mind.. i just tried to keep my cool and pretend like it was just another conversation with an old friend.

and about the porn, i didnt flat out just tell her i liked watching it. I was having an AIM conversation with a friend and made the comment "I want my parents to give me this pornstar as a girlfriend for christmas".. i know.. extremely tasteless but hey I was just playing. I sent her the aim convo because I also said some truly heartfelt words about how i felt towards her and I didnt know if it would be appropriate to tell them to her directly so I was trying to give her the message in a roundabout way. After she read this conversation is when she went wild and started to act like Im dead to her.

Aegis, you're not the first to tell me this. the thing is.. i hate strip clubs, they disgust me.. which is why I resort to porn. I guess if there really is no mending this situation Im just one of those people born to die single? which absolutely sucks

Mathias... what type of problems? just problems with females or something serious

[LivingInRegret]

let me clarify my last statement because it makes it sound like this topic isnt a big deal to me.. i dont consider females a problem of mine at all. I consider this certain female the biggest problem I've had in my entire life.

[CherriBlossomGirl]

Before I put in my two cents, I acknowledge that I am not aware of the whole situation and circumstances.

Okay, your #1 issue right now is you. You like this girl, but why have you formed such insanely strong attachement to her? You have to ask yourself that. I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist about this. I also used to have a problem with attaching myself to other people. My "first love" and I dated for a mere 2 months, and I pined over him for 2 years. Upon seeing the psychiatrist, I discovered that I was unwilling to let go because of the emotionally abusive relationship I had with my mother. My mom is bipolar and she swings back and forth between love and anger. Subconciously, I was seeking out relationships with controlling people. I became so attached to this one guy, that I was physically sick. I had migraines, stomach aches, dizziness, fatigue. The psychiatrist also informed me that I had severe manic depression and a touch of OCD. I got pills, counceling, and now I'm perfectly normal (depending on who you ask ). Anyway, the whole point of the story is that you have an underlying issue. A personality disorder, depression, distorted self-image, etc. This is an illness, and can be treated with counceling and medication.

Issue #2. This girl is bad for you, whether she's trying to be or not. I would definitely suggest ceasing contact with her. By talking to her, you are only strengthening your attachment to this girl. It's not healthy. It will be hard, especially with the internet around, but I think it would be good for you to stop talking to her. You've not only put her on a pedestal in your mind, you've put her on a damn altar.

Issue #3. Going to a titty bar, strip club, or whatever is not going to help you. My friends suggested getting with other guys when I was obssessing over Bob (we'll call him Bob). I ended up doing stuff I didn't really want to do with guys I didn't know or even like. My attachment to Bob only increased, and I started hating myself for being who I was. Looking at porn is completely normal, especially for the male sex. If you are obssessed with porn and retreat into it when you feel bad (which it sounds like you aren't doing), then that isn't really healthy. It sounds to me like you made a joking off-handed remark and this girl freaked out, for what reason I do not know. I probably would've laughed.

All in all, I think this is a one-way relationship and it's all coming from you. I don't think she's interested in you that way. You probably analyze every word she says to you to see if it has some double or underlying meaning. I did the same thing. When she says something, she means it and isn't trying to communicate something else to you.

The best advice I can give you is to see a psychiatrist. It's not bad at all. The first session they just ask you all these questions about you. How you feel, what you think, how you perceive things. It's actually nice to have someone just listen and not tell you what to do or think. Seek some help okay?

I hope this helped a little and best of luck to you!

[Gigabitch]

^^^ What she said. Therapy changed my life and helped me to stop forming relationships with unavailable people. It's not an insult to suggest seeing a professional, by any means.

[Crackerlove]

How did the porn thing come up??

[Gigabitch]

I don't care what anyone says. Bare breasts are therapeutic. They have'em at strip clubs.

I have 'em right here, under my sweater. Didn't do ME a bit of good.

[vashti]

I have 'em right here, under my sweater. Didn't do ME a bit of good.

Maybe if you got rid of the sweater...

[CherriBlossomGirl]

He could also go to a maternity ward. They have bare breasts too.

[Gigabitch]

Maybe if you got rid of the sweater...

Ahh... you're right, Vashti! That's MUCH better. I'll be posting topless from now on.

[Gigabitch]

I suggest we all post topless from now on.

And get webcams for PMs.

[Gigabitch]

Eeew. I do not feel even vaguely related to anyone here except Vashti.