Should I move out so he'll beleive me? PLEASE HELP!!!!

[Clemence]

Should I move out?
My Problem is this:

When I was in primary school I fell in love with a boy called Skye

But then when it came too high school, he got sent to a private all boy's school far away and I got sent to the local comprehensive.

I thought I'd NEVER see him EVER again and despaired...as I really did love him.

Around about the same time my Grandmother of whom I was VERY close to died. She practically raised me.My mother never seemed to bother with me. However I never noticed this neglect (by my mother)until my Grandma died.

I noticed that I was very unsupported by my mother and in general uncared for. Sometimes she was also emotionally abusive towards me--sometimes she could be so nasty she'd make me cry.

Because of all these things(the death of my Grandma, the loss of Skye and also the uncaring attituse at home) I began to feel very depressed.

Then I made a TERRIBLE mistake:

Somedays I felt so low I found it almost impossible to think about the future and sometimes couldn't find the will-power to get up in the mornings.I started to refuse to go to school asn I felt so low. I'd been bullied VERY VERY badly at the primary school i went to (before I moved to the one Ian was at)which also made me quite nervous of people and scared of school too.However I recieved no help, no counselling or anything(do you think this was neglect?)

I refused to go to High school on-and-off for the first three years by which time I was REALLY REALLY very behind in my work.I then refused to go to school altoghether as I couldn't cope any more with my life. I was SEVERELY depressed and wasn't thinking logically. I ended up having 5 measly hours of home tuition per week, for the next two years which should have been spent in school. Unsurprisingly I then failed all my GCSEs (apart from one, where I got a 'C' in English)I felt so depressed. I then have stayed at home doing nothing for the past two years as I have felt too embarrassed to face the world.

However this is my problem:

I am now 18...it has got to the point where I can't do nothing anymore..I HAVE to do something with my life.
I now want??/need to go to college. However I have just found out thet the college I wanted to attend is right next door to the top educational sixth form which Skye goes to. If I go there then I will definantely bump into him&but the thing is he will NEVER EVER be interested in me now (even if he used to be when I was ok).how on earth canI explain to him WHY I refused to go to school? Hes going to think I am a bad person .

But the thing is he's studying 'A' levels at a top sixth form college. And I .....will probably have to go on an Entry level course and learn really basic stuff like how to cook, use public transport etc(basically for absolute dim-wits)

He'll NEVER EVER be interested in me now. He's in a different league to me. He's so clever.but this is killing me. I wish I could be with him more than anything in the world but as soon as he finds out that's it....my dream...dead......finished

Also even if I go to a different college, it's inevitable that i'll bump into him whilst out and about anyway.(I just cant believe that I DIDNT THINK ABOUT THIS years ago&.i just wasnt thinking properly) But If I ignore him then he'll think I'm not interested i him, when I am. But if I talk to him he'll not like me anyway when he finds out what I've done. He'll think I;m a terrible person.


Also, one of the reasons why I couldn't cope with school was because of the neglect/emotional abuse that I suffered at home. I thought that if I moved out into the local Foyer/hostel then it would offer Skye a bit of validation that I couldn't cope with/was having a bad time at home and he might believe me then when I told him about the neglect. But....if I stay where I am (living at home with my parents) and go to college then he's going to wonder why it is that I can cope with education/school/college now....but not back then...in short he's going to think I'm making it up about the neglect.What should I do about this?
Should I move out of home?. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME MOVING OUT? If i moved out then I thought it would offer Skye a bit of proof/validation that what I told him abou the neglect/me having difficulties at home was true...so he'd believe what I told him. Do you think I should move out of home and into the local hostel/Foyer? It's just ....if I don't move out then he'll wonder why it is that I couldn't cope with living at home and education back then...but can now. In short he'll think I'm a liar and I'll lose him.

Also sometimes I don't think I can bear to face Skye at all.... and so.......
i HAVE DEEPLY CONSIDERED going to Wales and living in a Foyer/hostel there................... so that I never have to face Skye ever again (because it's inevitable that we'll meet) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS IDEA? I live in England you see...in the North West of England.
Or could I move out to Wales for a few years.....then after a few years in Wales once I've sorted my life out (away from Skye) then come back home/to England again ...and try to find Skye then? Or do you think this is a stupid idea?

PLEASE HELP!!!

[vashti]

I think you are over-romanticizing a school-girl crush, and really need to get a hold of yourself.

Take responsibility for the bad choices YOU made, and quit trying to blame them on your mom, your dead grandma, a boy in primary school moving away, being picked on in school, etc. These are all run-of-the-mill events that happen to everyone, not just you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but the more you try to convince yourself that you are a victim, the less able you will be to take care of yourself properly as a young adult.

Forget about the boy from grade school. I am sorry to say he has most certainly moved on by now, and you need to do the same. Go to school and make something of yourself. Life is short.

[hitch]

Go to college and make something out of yourself. You will forget about the past and your future will fall into place soon enough...

[Tiay]

vashti, it sounds like she was really clinically depressed. That's just a brain chemistry thing, it is not a measure of how 'bad' the things that happened were. It can happen to people who you'd think have no worries or troubles in life, or it can be triggered by bad events such as a loved one dying. Clemence: you have to be careful, because that kind of depression sometimes operates on a cycle.. some people are fine for five years, then get depressed, are fine for another three years, get depressed again, and each time there's less time in between. So if you start feeling down/depressed again, go see a councilor asap.
I agree you need to move on. Maybe going to Wales would be best, because you can start totally fresh. I bet by the time you're done with college you'll probably have a boyfriend- but if you don't, heck you could always try to get get back into contact with Skye once you feel you've become a person that he'd respect. He probably has moved on and forgotten about you by now, but I'm sure that he'd at least be like "hey that girl from primary school! how are you??" you'd have a little catching-up chat, and you'll probably realize how over-hyped he became in your mind.

[derm]

Clemence

Your pretty mixed up girl. You don't need me to tell you that. You have lost all your self worth, self confidence, self belief. That's if you ever had it to begin with.

I think the fact that you felt unloved, unwanted, by your mum has had a detrimental effect on you. Until you gain confidence in yourself again as a person you will always feel this way no matter who you are with.

You need to work on this area of your life. If you can achieve this [confidence and love of yourself] everything else will fall into place. You'll get the motivation to go out and get a job. Belief that you can have anything you want in life etc

Sounds all too simple, and it is that simple..Belief, belief, belief

[vashti]

vashti, it sounds like she was really clinically depressed. That's just a brain chemistry thing,

It is possible. I give advice on the assumption there are no medical problems unless they are stated. Anyway, even if she IS clinically depressed, my advice is essentially the same, but I would advise also seeing a psychiatrist who could prescribe anti-depressants if they are needed.

[Henry123]

Clemence you have some of the symptoms of depression. I would seriously go talk to your school counselor or family doctor or even a teacher you can trust with some of your emotional problems. Legally they arnt allow to tell anyone of your problems. If you have severe depression it could be treated. Catch it early befor it gets worst.

[Tiay]

Anyway, even if she IS clinically depressed, my advice is essentially the same, but I would advise also seeing a psychiatrist who could prescribe anti-depressants if they are needed.

agreed.

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[sudheer]

Clemence - I am sure Skye is a great guy, but for sure there are many more guys out there who would be appreciating you as a person that you are. BUT normally you do not succeed much by changing yourself into someone you are not, and settling for something that (by now alienated) Skye would like.

There would be so many things that you enjoy in life. Leave Skye, mother and your past apart, and look at what you enjoy most and consider studying in that field. When you are doing something you enjoy, your life and lifestyle changes and you would be much more comfortable with yourself. Once you reach that level, guys and love would make their way into your life without asking.

Its just that you need to take care of you first. Take care and enjoy your life.. do what is best for you!