Breaking Up Painlessly

[eastwest]

Background info: I'm a guy, 17 years old. I moved to a new town for a few months and then decided to moved back to my old one. While there, I got into a relationship with a girl, also 17.

When I told her I wanted to move back for good and, consequently, break up with her (not a fan of the long-distance thing), I wasn't prepared for her reaction. She cried and cried, and I felt like anything I could do that would make her stop would be worth it. Unfortunately, the only thing that came to mind was to assure her that I would try to make a long-distance relationship work. I reasoned that it would eventually peter out and the resulting break-up would be less painful for her.

Can you tell I'm bad at this? This is the first time I've had to break up with someone.

Now she wants to move to be closer to me, and that is not what I want. I do not want to be responsible for her move. I do not want to feel ''trapped'', or obligated to continue a relationship that has no guarantee of working out just because she is willing to go to such great lengths to make it work.

I am not asking what to do - that's simple enough. What I need is advice on how to do it. How do I make the break-up less painful for her? How do I stand it if she does cry? How do I not get manipulated into staying? Should I cut her out of my life completely, or is staying friends OK? Is there anything else I should know?

I want to end it before she does anything permanent.

[Gigabitch]

I think your instincts are in line- you're kind, but not a total pushover.

Of course you don't want to hurt her, but you have to realize that she may choose to twist herself up completely over this, and if you haven't done anything unkind, it's not your fault.

I think it may be kinder to her to just make a clean break of it. She sounds really attached to you, and if you remain friendly, she'll try to suck you back in.

Don't feel bad. You're doing it as nicely as you possibly can.

[Venacava]

I agree with Giga, sounds like you know what to do etc. There's no way to make it less painful for her, but you have to do what is best for you. If she cries, then she will cry - but the tears have to stop at some point, things change and she should be aware of that.

[vashti]

There isn't any way to make it painless, but I applaud your sensitivity. I agree with Giga. Be as nice as you can, but firm. You don't want her to have any false hope.

Good luck.

[eastwest]

But how do you break up when you've been acting like everything is hunky-dory?

[vashti]

You start being honest, and apologise for pretending you were happy thus far.

[clark_kent9663]

That's why it's called break up, coz it's painful. If something breaks, it'll, more often than not, hurts.

Some people will call your situation emotional blackmail. You're staying in the relationship not because of love but pity. You're actually being dishonest by staying in the relationship.

You can talk to her, not at home nor phone nor in a fancy restaurant. Surroundings sometimes have an effect on people. Try to talk in a more public place. No need to talk loud. A coffee shop is fine. That could also prevent her from crying.

Tell her the truth. You can not handle long distance relationship. You don't want to put her into all this trouble and in the end you know that it will fail. She will ask you to give it a try or that if you really love her, you should do your best to make it work. Am all into that if, and that's a big if, you know within you that you want to give it a try. But if, from the start, you know that it won't work, and who knows yourself better than, yes, yourself, then you better off not in the relationship.

If after some time you know that you're ready to take on a long distance relationship, then you two can back together and talk.

One catch? You might be too late that she's committed to someone else already

[eastwest]

Thanks to all of you. I will break the news tomorrow. The phone is my best option, since I'm already gone. Tell you what's what when it's through.

[eastwest]

Wow, how does anyone do this and still sleep at night... feeling terrible for her.

[Gigabitch]

Wow, how does anyone do this and still sleep at night... feeling terrible for her.

You can count on losing some sleep. Someday she'll appreciate the respectful way you did this. (Not tomorrow)

Don't call her any more now. Every time she talks to you, it'll rip the wound open again.

She'll be okay.

[Venacava]

Yeah, she will be fine. The fact that you were honest to her and to yourself is a good thing in the long run, try not to worry too much about how she is feeling - she will get over it. You did the right thing.