We could have been spending time together - hmmm

[camarynn]

I met a guy through a reputable dating site back around the middle of June. We've communicated every since - mostly email but have talked on the phone several times, too. We're both mid 30s, uninvolved, no kids, stable careers, independent, looking for a quality person. We live about 3.5 hours away from one another.

A good month ago, I mentioned to him that I have this coming week off - vacation. He's been on vacation the past week and has next week off, too. He's very much into outdoors things: camping, fishing, hiking, etc. He's spending these 2 weeks camping with his family. Seems he's very close to his family (his parents, siblings, cousins, etc live local to him) and spends a lot of weekends and even long weekends with them, camping etc.

We both have very busy work schedules and due to the distance and limited vacation time we both have, there really wouldn't be much opportunity for us to get together and spend time together. For the record, we've never met in person yet - though a week before he left, he asked if I'd like to meet him halfway when he gets back, for a coffee.

He wrote me an email before he left telling me he felt "guilty" about the fact that he'd be gone for 2 weeks, just when we were really getting to know one another - and that he'd have no way to communicate with me while camping. Said he very much hoped we could pick up where we left off once he was back.

I guess I'm a little miffed that he didn't offer to cut his 2 week family camping trip short by a couple of days, so that we'd have the chance to meet. I am doing this online dating thing as a way of meeting someone to spend time in person with, get to know "in person" - not carry on a relationship via email/phone. Now here I have this coming week off - so many things I'd like to do and would like someone to do them with -- I feel I may just continue to "look" and maybe I'll meet someone else...and of course if I did, I'd then be honest and let him know I'd met someone else. I mean, we're not some exclusive couple for crying out loud - I have a right to date and keep looking.

If I were him and I'd met someone I was so apparently mesmerized with (like he's lead me to believe), I think I would take great opportunity to give up a couple of days with my family that I see almost every day, and make the effort to meet them.

Thoughts?

[Gigabitch]

You really want my thoughts? Okay, I think you will NEVER meet this guy because he's misrepresenting himself to you online.

To be clear, you are NOT dating someone you've never met. I can't understand this online dating thing. Can you explain the appeal to me, and then justify the desire to meet in person?

[derm]

Cam.

I'm around his age and have dated quiet a bit. Have tried out dating sites too but to be honest I'm not a huge fan. People can pretend to be anybody they want while hiding behind a PC / phone.

You know very little about anybody until you have spent time in person with them and I think it's a good idea to get to meet ASAP.

He may be taking things slowly and not falling head first into a relationship...maybe he's had too many bad experiences.....maybe he's still in love with someone..maybe maybe maybe

It could be any number of things.

I wouldnt worry too much yet. Some people take a while to warm to a potential partner even though they might have a lot in common. Give him some time and he may come good. It sounds like he has been open and honest with you so far so give him a chance

Another thing to remember is alot of people join online dating sites after a relationship has ended and find it is a great way to 'move on' and forget their ex (I did!) However they may still be holding a torch for them.

He may need time away to sort his head out.

Of course I could be soooooo wrong

Good luck!

D

[camarynn]

You really want my thoughts? Okay, I think you will NEVER meet this guy because he's misrepresenting himself to you online.

To be clear, you are NOT dating someone you've never met. I can't understand this online dating thing. Can you explain the appeal to me, and then justify the desire to meet in person?

1. why do you think he's misrepresenting himself?

2. I never said we were "dating", correct?

3. Meeting someone through an online dating site is nothing but one of many methods to connect with someone. It's no different than meeting someone through work, a friend, a social function, at the grocery store. Many people like myself use this method because we have very busy work schedules, don't go to bars and/or work in same gender-dominated workplaces, etc.

Why do you not understand why someone would want to actually meet in person - that's the whole point of it LOL

[camarynn]

Cam.

I'm around his age and have dated quiet a bit. Have tried out dating sites too but to be honest I'm not a huge fan. People can pretend to be anybody they want while hiding behind a PC / phone.

You know very little about anybody until you have spent time in person with them and I think it's a good idea to get to meet ASAP.

He may be taking things slowly and not falling head first into a relationship...maybe he's had too many bad experiences.....maybe he's still in love with someone..maybe maybe maybe

It could be any number of things.

I wouldnt worry too much yet. Some people take a while to warm to a potential partner even though they might have a lot in common. Give him some time and he may come good. It sounds like he has been open and honest with you so far so give him a chance

Another thing to remember is alot of people join online dating sites after a relationship has ended and find it is a great way to 'move on' and forget their ex (I did!) However they may still be holding a torch for them.

He may need time away to sort his head out.

Of course I could be soooooo wrong

Good luck!

D

Hello Derm,

Well I didn't want my post to be any longer than it already was - but according to him he's never been in a serious/long term relationship - claiming he's never been one to just date for the sake of dating, he's shy, he lives in a small mining town that's male dominated and he works in a management position at said mine.

Anyway, I'll just go with the flow.

[Venacava]

I say go with the flow, for sure. You never know, he might call you and ask to meet up for that coffee after all!

[camarynn]

I say go with the flow, for sure. You never know, he might call you and ask to meet up for that coffee after all!

No no, this isn't about me being concerned about whether he'll invite me for coffee.....I'm just a little surprised that for someone who's been so assertive in wanting to get to know me - that when we both have the same week off, that he wouldn't have suggested cutting his usual family camping trip a couple of days short so that we could meet/have the time (amidst our usual very busy work schedules compounding by the driving distance) to meet. That's all. No biggie.

[clark_kent9663]

First of all I want to say that people can misrepresent themselves anywhere. So online has nothing to do with it. It just makes them harder to detect since you can not see their body language and the words don't have accents and stress.

Let's assume for the moment that he's telling the truth, coz if he's not, there's no point in discussing everything. He has a commitment to his family, so he has to do it. Not because you're not important, but because he has prior commitment. Maybe this is a yearly thing for them.

My question is, you live 3.5 hours apart. You two could meet halfway and spend an afternoon together. If I am that assertive to meet someone, I'll even fly. Unless you two must be very busy that you work seven days a week. Coz a 3.5 hour drive is a day trip. Setup a weekend and meet. Oh yeah, I forgot, you two are extremely busy. So it would really hurt if you two take a day just to meet.

[camarynn]

First of all I want to say that people can misrepresent themselves anywhere. So online has nothing to do with it. It just makes them harder to detect since you can not see their body language and the words don't have accents and stress.

Let's assume for the moment that he's telling the truth, coz if he's not, there's no point in discussing everything. He has a commitment to his family, so he has to do it. Not because you're not important, but because he has prior commitment. Maybe this is a yearly thing for them.

My question is, you live 3.5 hours apart. You two could meet halfway and spend an afternoon together. If I am that assertive to meet someone, I'll even fly. Unless you two must be very busy that you work seven days a week. Coz a 3.5 hour drive is a day trip. Setup a weekend and meet. Oh yeah, I forgot, you two are extremely busy. So it would really hurt if you two take a day just to meet.

I guess I need to add more info, and I need to be more clear.......

This is a guy who claims, at the age of 35, to have never had a serious relationship yet he is very open in sharing that he wants nothing more than to find the right person to settle down with and have a family. He even states this as one of his 'personal goals' in his profile.

He tells me that after we talk on the phone in the evenings, it takes him a few hours to get to sleep because he lays there and thinks about everything we talked about (okay, that's a little obsessive but anyway), how he very much appreciates our discussions and my viewpoints on things -- he remembers the actual of the first time we started corresponding (hell, I'm a sentimental fool but even I don't remember it) and he admits to still being a little nervous before he calls me (which is kind of cute). Yet - we both have vacation at the same time and he couldn't offer to cut it short by a couple of days so that we could spend it together and put a face to the words and carry on this process............what's the big deal? He's out camping with his family, he's a grown man - he camps with them all the time, he's out there with his own truck and camper, he could leave if he wanted to. What I'm saying is that his words don't match his actions - for someone who's so smitten and lays in bed at night going over things we talked about, etc.

It's funny, too - a couple of weeks ago, he said he just happened to be checking out Yahoo personals, a place he'd never been to before (he apparenly just got a computer/internet access about the time we started communicating) and he came across my profile there and he was "shocked" to see me there....he sort of made a big deal about it,which I found odd - I mean, so what, big deal? It's no secret I'm looking to meet someone, is it that hard to believe I might have a profile on more than one site?

And before he left on his trip, he wrote a big long email about how he felt guilty for leaving when things with us getting to know each other were going so good -- and that he felt bad because we wouldn't be able to communicate at all for those entire 2 weeks...and that he very much hoped I'd still want to continue when he got back.

His actions don't really jive with a guy who's so smitten, who's never had a serious relationship before but who desperately wants to settle down and have a wife and family. The perfect opportunity to meet was there - when we both had free time on our hands, but he didn't make the offer. Frankly, I think he may just be a little too dependent on his family to begin with. It seems the women in his family (mom, step mom, sisters, aunts) dote on him a lot - they bring him meals, they decorate his home, they plant his bedding plants, etc etc. There's nothing wrong with a guy being close to his family, in fact I respect that because I'm close to mine (however I don't spend all my free time with them) but for a man who's pretty much never had a girlfriend, who wants to get married and have kids so badly, you'd think he'd be making some concessions to spend time with the woman he's been getting to know? The last thing I want is some Mommy's boy who's never cut the apron strings, who's so dependent on his family that he can't handle a relationship or being away from his family -- and I fear that maybe THIS is exactly why he's never had a girlfriend before.

[derm]

[QUOTE=camarynn;217901]I guess I need to add more info, and I need to be more clear.......

This is a guy who claims, at the age of 35, to have never had a serious relationship yet he is very open in sharing that he wants nothing more than to find the right person to settle down with and have a family. He even states this as one of his 'personal goals' in his profile.

He tells me that after we talk on the phone in the evenings, it takes him a few hours to get to sleep because he lays there and thinks about everything we talked about (okay, that's a little obsessive but anyway), how he very much appreciates our discussions and my viewpoints on things -- he remembers the actual of the first time we started corresponding (hell, I'm a sentimental fool but even I don't remember it) and he admits to still being a little nervous before he calls me (which is kind of cute). Yet - we both have vacation at the same time and he couldn't offer to cut it short by a couple of days so that we could spend it together and put a face to the words and carry on this process............what's the big deal? He's out camping with his family, he's a grown man - he camps with them all the time, he's out there with his own truck and camper, he could leave if he wanted to. What I'm saying is that his words don't match his actions - for someone who's so smitten and lays in bed at night going over things we talked about, etc.

It's funny, too - a couple of weeks ago, he said he just happened to be checking out Yahoo personals, a place he'd never been to before (he apparenly just got a computer/internet access about the time we started communicating) and he came across my profile there and he was "shocked" to see me there....he sort of made a big deal about it,which I found odd - I mean, so what, big deal? It's no secret I'm looking to meet someone, is it that hard to believe I might have a profile on more than one site?

And before he left on his trip, he wrote a big long email about how he felt guilty for leaving when things with us getting to know each other were going so good -- and that he felt bad because we wouldn't be able to communicate at all for those entire 2 weeks...and that he very much hoped I'd still want to continue when he got back.

His actions don't really jive with a guy who's so smitten, who's never had a serious relationship before but who desperately wants to settle down and have a wife and family. The perfect opportunity to meet was there - when we both had free time on our hands, but he didn't make the offer. Frankly, I think he may just be a little too dependent on his family to begin with. It seems the women in his family (mom, step mom, sisters, aunts) dote on him a lot - they bring him meals, they decorate his home, they plant his bedding plants, etc etc. There's nothing wrong with a guy being close to his family, in fact I respect that because I'm close to mine (however I don't spend all my free time with them) but for a man who's pretty much never had a girlfriend, who wants to get married and have kids so badly, you'd think he'd be making some concessions to spend time with the woman he's been getting to know? The last thing I want is some Mommy's boy who's never cut the apron strings, who's so dependent on his family that he can't handle a relationship or being away from his family -- and I fear that maybe THIS is exactly why he's never had a girlfriend before.[/QUOTE



I think your safe!......he's a bit stuck in his ways I think, at 35 he has probably been doing these things all his life and finds it hard to break the routine.

Also I believe he is a bit inexperienced (you say he hasn't had any long term relationship) and probably terrified of meeting you in person. He might feel a bit treathened by you especially if you are pressurising him into meeting you (even though its good that you do and that ye see each other asap)

Talk to him and ask him if he's over anxious about meeting you. Ask ask ask

Good luck!

[misombra]

i think he just doesn't know what to do. did you suggest that he maybe cut his camping trip short a little.

some guys don't get it and you have to just say what's on your mind. if he doesn't have much experience dating you'll probably have to guide him a bit.

[blackiesharley]

Well, I would feel the same way you do about having an opportunity to meet but yet not making the effort to do so. In fact, I was in a similar situation a few months ago (Do a search here for my thread 'Should I be upset about this? for details) The difference is that we were only 1.5 hours apart and had already begun an in-person relationship, now ended. (Somewhat sadly)

Maybe it's just me, but I've always felt that in any relationship or potential relationship the parties have to put in an equal amount of effort. If I were in his shoes, I would have developed a compromise plan to see both the family and arrange to meet you as well. But again, that's just me.

Also, I'm not real big on the online thing. I know it works for a lot of people and I haven't tried it to any real extent (I was just expermenting) but did indeed meet a couple of quality people, not bad considering the limited effort I put into it but it was always a (very) long distance.

I dunno, I seem to do much better in person, the old-fashioned way. See someone you like and simply go up and politely introduce yourself. Put me in a social situation with enough people there and by the end of the night, 99.5% of the time I will have met at least one that has potential. But like you said, work, family, life, etc., doesn't always allow us the time or energy to go out there in the real world. That's the major problem for me at this point.

[camarynn]

derm - I have never pushed to meet him in person, in fact, he's the one who's brought that very subject up a couple of times, just as he was the one to suggest talking on the phone initially.

[neobodhi]

If he is 35 and never been in a serious relationship, he may very well be lacking in relationship skills. So he might not know how to approach the situation.

On the other hand not having been in a relationship at his age just seems like a big red flag, at least from this outsiders perspective.