things didnt work out

[ger_ireland]

hiya guya and gals
greetings from ireland,

i got mega girlfriend probs, we have been going out for 6 years, she moved 80 miles from home to be with me, she got a work down here and tried very hard to settle in, but the problem was i being a dairy farmer and having an elderly dad who is very possessive, wouldnt let me go out a lot, we never got away anywhere together and i had to always rush back to do the cows, never got a real chance to built a relationship even after 6 years,

she has gradually grown to despise my dad for the way he treated me , and when he would get up outa bed at 3pm she would go to her room till i returned in at 7pm, that spite has make her lose her love for me,( the situation)

she has moved back to her home a few months ago,still visited me each month and was loving and caring kisses, cuddles,etc, but it was only 3 days ago that she told me that she loved me as a brother but was not in love with me, and she wanted space to clear her head and i think prolly clear me from her brain, that said when we talk on the phone we both cry, but she says our relationship is over, but by becomming friends that maybe tru time it may work again, i think its finito ,
she is comming down to chat to me in a month about things. we chat each evening on phone but just as friends, she says it was not me that is the problem but the environment,

the real problem is she is 40 amd im 43 and she wont wait around for another 10 years for my dad to snuff it, last night on the phone is asked her to come back to me and she said ok ill give up my job to go be with u and we can sit in ever night with ur father ( this was in a mad tone), i blame my dad for all this he is selfish, and i hope i dont turn again him as she has done to me

i have told her i will do anything to get her love back even getting someone to look after my dad and doing the cows every few weeks so that i can go meet her to try and rekindle what ever is left, she does not want that saying why did i not do that 12 mts ago, i would have if i had known the extent of the prob, she has done her grieving this last few months,(still made love though) now its my turn to grieve ,

i want her back so badly id do anything, at the moment im giving her her space, but should i still chat to her ? , i have told her id never ring her till she comes to see me, she phones me each night as she wants me to be her closest friend, we made love only 3 weeks ago( how could she do that if she is not in love with me ?) which she enjoyed, and needed kisses each night before sleeping, do i just tell her to hump it as she has hurt me so bad, or live in hope ?

sorry to be a pain, comments appreciated

thanks
ger
ps my dad dont give a **** that she is gone told me to take valium zz

[sfalexi]

yeah. Sucks about having to be around for the livestock. A girl I dated was in a very similar situation (except it was horses rather than cows). But I'm guessing that cows ALSO need the constant care and attention, meals at same hour every day, etc. etc. Livestock can be a pain in the ass. Specially when you have to reserve a certain time EVERY DAY to be there for them. That plus your possessive father DOES make a bad situation. Sorry to hear that man.

She seems like she was honest to you, and didn't screw you over but rather just isn't into you like you would like her to be. So, depending on what type of person you are, I really don't see a reason to "tell her to hump it as she has hurt me so bad". If you don't want to stay friends, that's completely understandable as it'll hurt you to talk to her and know what you were, and what you aren't anymore. Just tell her that if you want to lose contact. It could save you a lot of pain and shave LOADS of time off the healing process.

So it's up to you whether you want to. I don't really think there's a clearcut reason why you SHOULDN'T remain friends (doesn't look like she cheated on you, or was disrespectful to you or anything). The only reason I can see though, is that it's really gonna make your life hard to talk to her while trying to get over the situation and try to remain her friend, but not want 'more'. And that's damned tough. So even though I see no reason why you can't remain friends, I can completely understand why you maybe wouldn't want to.

It's up to you. How strong can you be about this? Do you think you can handle being friends and nothing more? Will you be able to take it when she starts talking to you over the phone about some new guy she's dating (making friendly conversation)?

All I'm gonna say is if you think you're gonna be really stressed out and it's gonna bother you a lot, then it's not worth it. However if you think you can handle it and think that you'll be able to get beyond it quickly without going nuts, then give it a shot. And if you try and then FIND OUT that it's too much, tell her that you can't remain friends after what you were and that it's not her, but it's just too hard for you. Hopefully she'll understand.

Alexi

[IceQueen]

She didn't lose love to you because of your dad, she lost love to you because of you. I'm guessing it's because you are 40 and still controlled by your dad.

If she has any common sense whatsoever, she ain't coming back, no. And no woman will stick around until you learn to not dedicate your entire life to your dad.

Don't blame your dad. Blame yourself.

i want her back so badly id do anything

Move out of your dad's house, and hire help for him.

[sfalexi]

Wow. I didn't even catch that you were 40. Yeah. That's a BIG issue. Right now you're the guy that girls try to avoid (40, single, living at home, controlled by parent). Not a good thing. I'm not attacking you or saying it's your fault, but you DO need to start your own life. If your life choice is to be a dairy farmer, then you STILL need to separate yourself from your father. Like Ice said, hire help for him. There are nurses that will come to your house to take care of him. Or bring him to a community that will be able to help him (Lord knows he won't like THAT idea, but SOMETHING has to be done).

And try to section off an area of the house as "yours". If you can somehow claim a lower level, or a certain half of the house as YOURS so that there's a separate entrance, a decent living space (not just a room to sleep in, but some sort of living/recreation room, a bathroom, etc) so that it's almost like your own apartment in this house. That will help two ways.

1) Privacy. Now your father can't interrupt you without your permission as he'll have to ask permission to enter instead of just going around the house at his leisure and bothering you and your date whenever he wants.

2) Image. Like I said above, a lot of girls try to avoid the "single guy still living at his parent's house at 40". But if you show that you have your own section, and therefore show more independance, it'll bode better with dating situations. Also, she won't have to go to "her room" if she wanted to avoid the father, but just go around your part of the house. It'll just be better in general.

Ultimately, if you can afford to, build your own little place to live on another part of the property. You can still visit your father with a quick walk, don't have to buy a plot of land (since you already own it), and you'll truly be the king of your own domain.

Alexi

[ger_ireland]

hi guys
sorry for the delay in responding to you

yes ice queen u are right it was my fault, i guess i was happy to stroll along as things were,and did not really see the problem, even though looking back she did often say we never went anywhere,

sfalexi thank u very much for putting so much time and effort into ur reply, ur comments are trully appreciated and the truth

the latest update is her last txt msg it reads
"U cant give and take love anytime u feel like it, well i cant anyway, u have to see is it there at all, and by that i mean true love, i wont know nothing until i get a spell on my own, at the moment i dont want what we had, coz really what kind of couple were we? we never done anything together, thats what ruined it,, so i want to be on my own to see how i can cope or see do i have have to opt for 2nd best, i want to give myself this test and im going to do it cause im sick of being second best"

any ideas how to take this, respond to this ? is it over ?, i have told her that things will be so different, home help etc, i will go meet her instead of her tearing down to me, but she wont listen at the moment saying that im doing her head in,

seems she is not willing to try again

im gonna give her her month of space

she knows exactly how i feel about her and what i will do, do u think that she needs proof rather than words ?

i was thinking of sending her a letter, not a shitty email stating how i feel what im gonna do to change things, is this a good or bad move (seing that she knows it all already) a letter is more personal than email, should i send a letter or just remain friends pretending that im happy that i have given her her space.

i am not giving up on her by the way, am i right to still think there is a chance for us ?, she can be very stubborn, and can really hurt herself to prove a point
thanking you all
take care
ger

[squirrley]

Whew-first I agree with Ice. She wants out and doesnt want that life for herself. She sees who you are and doenst want a husband whose living his life through his dad, for his dad, and NOT for himself. Until you can find a way to get out on your own, find some real indepedance-she wont come back.

She obviously likes you as a person-friend, and wants that kind of relationship, but anything above and beyond she realizes its NOW what she wants for HER life and its not what you can give her right now.

Give her her space, its only out of respect and the right thing to do. I honestly think this wont go anywhere until YOU can get your own life...

[ger_ireland]

thanks for ur reply squirrley
appreciate all ur advice
reading from her txt msg what do u deduce ?, if i change things and stand up to my dad and let her know this, do u think she will come back to me ? in time that is, i am not gonna mention the subject to her till we meet face to face in a month or so
thanking you
ger

[squirrley]

that she isnt going to settle. She wants to know she will be numero uno in her mans life. Which she hasnt been in your relationship, she always followed presidence of your dad.

So-1st you need to decide what YOU want for YOUR life FIRST. Forget her for the time being, in hind site what do you want? Do you want to continue to live under your dads thumb? Is that the life you want for yourself? If you want to grow as a man and as an individual you need to get out of the house. I realize you are the point where you would do anything to get her back, but you wont prove anything to her unless you do it for yourself first!!

Then when and if you decide to move out and be independant-she'll start to see that-your own confidence and you did for yourself not just her. Women like confident men, youre not showing it. Im sure there are plenty of reasons why you have chosen to stay in your circumstances. But-really she has given you a lot to think about when it comes to your own life.

DOnt call her and say" oh yea by the way Im moving out so we can work this out." thats cheesy. JUST DO IT!!!

Take the steps to become an individual, a independant man.
Dont ask for her advice on it...just do it. Keep the lines of communication open at all times. And I bet you'll see her see you, as a man, and not as someone who will always put her in 2nd place. You have to do things for yourself before you can really make someone else happy. When you get to the point of serenity within yourself a strong healthy loving relationship becomes that much sweeter.

Just keep in mind here-that you have to want it for yourself, and not under the pretenses she'll come back.

Goodluck!

[sfalexi]

Squirrels right. If you want any chance of getting back together with her, your best chance is to make a drastic change in your lifestyle. Become more independant, and do it for a few months at least so that you can SHOW her that you've changed your life and are sticking with it. Then she'll be more likely to get back together than if you just say, "I'll change for you."

Alexi