Need some serious advice

[Sasie]

I have been married for 14 years. My husband is a good guy, but very serious and very moody, while I am more silly and like to have fun.His attitude put me into depression many times, he isn't very emotional at all.
Last month I came in contact with an old boyfriend, we were a perfect match, same ideals, we fit like peanut butter and jelly.
He is in a diffrent state now, we talked on the phone a lot. He wants us to start a new life together. I fell in love with him all over again, we both matured etc.
I told my husband many times he is driving me away with his behaviour.
Should I really throw 14 years away? Should I keep living like this, watching others be happy and stay with hubby because I don't want to hurt him?
We also have children.
I don't know what to do, my friends just say he is a good provider stay6 with him, but thats not enough for me I want to feel loved.
What a crappy situation.
I would appreciate some advice. My husband won't change, we talked til the cows came home so many times. He does not know I am talking to the other guy.
Help

[King Zarathu]

My parents got divorced when I was 8 and my little sister was 5. Let me tell you, the experience was hell only because my dad was such a manipulative and abusive asshole. In the end, I became an incredibly strong person inside and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Fourteen years means nothing if you aren't happy with them. Do what your HEART tells you to do, not what your brain tells you to do.

And.. yeah! That's pretty much it man. I can't tell you to leave or to stay, it's about what you really want deep inside of you.

[vashti]

If you've been married for 14 years, you should know by now that ALL marriages experience ups and downs. Of COURSE your husband doesn't compare favorably to lover-boy. You have spent the last 14+ years doing his laundry and cleaning his house. Do you really think things will be better in 14 years with a new one?

You really need to think long and hard about what impact your behavior will have on your children. I know you THINK things will be great with a new man, but you are mistaken if you think your kids will warm up to a man that you split their family up over, and trust me on this - unless your husband is an absolute ba$tard to the kids, they will want their OWN family together, and they will resent you and the new guy bitterly and you will have no peace.

If you are not happy with your man, then you should decide whether or not to keep him without the interference of a third party. Honestly, I can't imagine how a man who is willing to split up a family could be considered a good catch.

Go make your own "fun". Maybe you should take up a hobby or engage yourself in some meaningful activity (volunteer work or school or something) to gain what you feel you are lacking, because no man is going to be able to provide it for you for any length of time.

[Sasie]

Thank you both for replying.
Of course the kids would want their own father, thing is he was never much of one, never took the boys to a ball game, never thought them how to swim, ride a bike, NOTHING.
Yes every marriage has it's up and downs, ours is like a heart monitor showing death; a straight line.
By fun I mean fun married people have/do together. Like go shoot pool, or BBQ with friends, or game night, something, anything.
He is a loner and in his own world, the kids and I are excluded. it's hard for me to live like this.
The other guy has a great sense of humor and a great personality.
We tried counseling, he told the counselor she's an idiot.
I amnot taking this lightly by all means, thats why I am here.


ETA:
How is a hobby gonna give me what I am lacking, I am lacking love,affection, hugs etc. can't get that from a hobby LOL

[Ellynn]

We understand what you are trying to say, but we are just cautioning you to not make any sudden decisions regarding getting with this other guy. If your not happy in your marriage, then you definately need to decide what your gonna do about it or if you want to be in it any longer.

My parents divorced when I was 14 after 20 yrs of marriage. It was a shocker and I thought my world was ending, but as time went on...they were alot happier! There was no tension etc. It ended up being for the best. But, that alone was a HUGE adjustment without throwing in them dating another person right away! Eventually my Dad started dating other people. (My mom just didn't have the desire to.)

I would take things slow with this other guy. Sure, the grass looks greener on the other side. You need to ask yourself this question. Would you still leave your husband if there was no one else in the picture? If so, then its probably best you get out of your marriage. If you wouldn't, then maybe you really need to think if its all really worth it. Because once you make this decision to leave him, then there is really no turning back.

[shai`anne]

If you had not started talking to this other man would you be willing to up and leave. You may have talked about it with him but it sounds like you have talked more than once and you were still there. If you leave please do it for yourself not for another man.

[vashti]

Thank you both for replying.
Of course the kids would want their own father, thing is he was never much of one, never took the boys to a ball game, never thought them how to swim, ride a bike, NOTHING.
Yes every marriage has it's up and downs, ours is like a heart monitor showing death; a straight line.
By fun I mean fun married people have/do together. Like go shoot pool, or BBQ with friends, or game night, something, anything.
He is a loner and in his own world, the kids and I are excluded. it's hard for me to live like this.
The other guy has a great sense of humor and a great personality.
We tried counseling, he told the counselor she's an idiot.
I amnot taking this lightly by all means, thats why I am here.


ETA:
How is a hobby gonna give me what I am lacking, I am lacking love,affection, hugs etc. can't get that from a hobby LOL

You know, you started off your post by saying your husband is a good man, and then when you don't hear what you want, you change the story.

Whether or not he has taken your kids to a ball game, the kids still want him, right?

Maybe the counselor IS an idiot. Lots of them are. In fact, lots of messed up people are drawn to therapy because they want to repair their OWN issues.

I don't have ANY friends whose husbands arrange a social life for them. This is something virtually every woman I know has to set up on behalf of the family. Most men just don't seem to care if they get together with people or not because they are typically happy just to hang with their family and go to work.

Really, it sounds to me like you are just bored with the monotony that IS marriage, and you miss the magic of new love, but that type of feeling doesn't last more than a year or two, and your pursuit of it can be harmful to your children.

Honestly, I think ALL men are fixer-uppers. The new guy is, too - you just haven't been able to see him objectively because you are thinking with your emotions rather than your head.

A good man who provides well for his family, is faithful, objective and serious is usually considered a GOOD catch. Perhaps he is moody because he feels under-appreciated.

I think it would be wise to get rid of the new guy and THEN assess your marriage objectively.

But hey, it sounds like you have already made up your mind.

[Sasie]

Vashti, it's not like you said at all, he is a good man yes, he doesn't drink, do drugs beat us etc. but he is cold, I did not change my mind because "I didn't like what I heard".
He is not under appreciated, the opposite is the case, I showered him with love and affection in hopes of getting some in return.
I don't expect him to arange my social life, when we are invited he doesn't go.
The couselor was not an idiot, she was a sweet lady trying to help us.

Maybe you should be less harsh when you don't know the details.

*cheers*

Shai`anne, I have thought of leaving many times before but I stayed just because it was easier.

[NeoSeminole]

Sasie, vashti is probably the best person here who can help you. Most of us have never been married. I would offer advice but I recognize when others have more "expertise." Perhaps you should volunteer more information next time so we don't make hasty judgements. Afterall, we can only give advice as good as the details you give us.

[Zyx]

I don't think people are meant to be together a lifetime, but I'm just a 15 year old boy

[blauw]

I'd talk & talk & talk ... with him till he understands how bad the situation is!
Do it for the kids.

[vashti]

Maybe you should be less harsh when you don't know the details.

*cheers*

I only go on what I am told. Anyway, I am quite certain at this point that your mind is already made up and you are simply looking for validation, which I won't give you while a third party is involved.

*cheers*

[Zero Interrupt]

If the guy is so cold, harsh, and emotionless, why did you marry him in the first place?

Or could that be a misconception?

Looks like you're not too set on making things different yourself, you just want to run. Try opening your mouth and speaking to yuor husband. Tell him you have these worries, that you want to leave.

but I agree with vashti here, sounds like you've got your mind made up, and are just looking for somone to give you your excuse.

Hell, I'll give it to you. Run away. Abandon your life, and your children. I'm absolutely sure that a two decade old boyfiend you've spoken on the phone to a few times is worth it all.

[Gigabitch]

You need to ask yourself this question. Would you still leave your husband if there was no one else in the picture? If so, then its probably best you get out of your marriage. If you wouldn't, then maybe you really need to think if its all really worth it. Because once you make this decision to leave him, then there is really no turning back.

...and this is why I love Ellynn. That is the first question you should be asking yourself.

I just divorced an emotionally neglectful wet blanket who never did anything with his kid about 6 months ago. It took me about 5 years to come to the decision, and it had nothing to do with hoping to start something up with someone new. I DID, however, get really, really burned in a rebound relationship. Sounds like I'm contradicting myself, right? Here's how that works:

I know that considering a divorce when you have kids is one of the scariest things you'll ever do. It'll make you crazy. It'll make you panic. It'll make you crave peanut butter & jelly.

Don't do that. If you're going to leave him, you need to do it alone. It'll be hard enough finding your balance without trying to lean on someone else.