Is Giving Her Time Enough?

[Snowflake]

Hello all.
I have a complicated... problem, and I could really use some advice.

Two months ago I started seeing a girl that I met at a common friend's birthday party. I'm 22, she's 20.
She broke up with her boyfriend only four weeks (from a 2 year relationship) before she met me, and even though we started dating, she told me that the thought of a relationship scared her.

I know she is over him. She tells me how unhappy she was during the last year of their relationship... but still, I can totally understand how she would want to be "free" after such a long relationship and I respect that.

The thing is, that I didn't really want a relationship either. Just someone to hang out with, and someone to get to know.
Well... I guess things went too well.
We got closer and closer, and eventually it got to the point to where it almost felt like a relationship. Meaning... we'd call each other almost every day, hang out all the time, we were having sex I met her family, she'd kiss me in front of her siblings etc.

This, to me, seems like a regular relationship. Except for one thing... there were no strings attached.
I never ever told her I wanted to be exclusive or that I wanted us to be "boyfriend and girlfriend".
I always saw potential, but I like to move slow myself, and this was perfect for me.

But, three days ago, when we went to this fair, she was different... I'd noticed this behavior before, and it had confused me before. She almost wouldn't touch me. It only went as far as holding hands, small hugs, nothing more. Now, I'm okay with this, we all have our days, but it confused me a little, so I asked her about it.

She told me that the thought of us moving in to something that, to her, felt like a relationship, scared her.
She told me that she does see potential, but that she at this time, is not ready for a relationship. But I think I am. Ouch.

Basically, she was feeling intimidated because she was getting so comfortable with being so close to me.
Also, she told me that I am one of the most wonderful guys she's ever met, and that she'd thought about how wonderful it would be if I was her boyfriend. But, bottom line, she's not ready yet.

Now, this totally came as a shock to me. I thought things were fine, but... obviously not.
Also, maybe this is too much information, but this is also "the time of the month" for her. And she told me that that might be one of the reasons as to why she's freaking out right now. Before, it's only lasted for a few hours and then she'd return to being her "normal self".

So, basically, we agreed to not talk for a few days, until the "time of the month" has passed.

I guess I do want a relationship. I always kept in mind that she's only been single for three months, and that she totally deserves all the fredom that she wants. I felt the same way after my ex and I broke up about a year ago, and that was after a 3 year long relationship, so I can totally relate.
But anyway, she can date other guys, I don't care. That was the original "dea" anyways. As long as we don't "fool around" with other people.
When we had our talk, this was apparently also one of the issues. That is, the "not fooling around with other people" rule. Although she says she doesn't want to, I think she wants to feel that she has the right to. I can respect that, but I don't like it.

Now, she said that we were still going to date, but take things slow, and that she was pretty sure that she'd feel normal again in a few days. Which is when she is supposed to call me.

So... what do you guys think?
I really see potential with this girl. She is really great.
But, I don't want to waste my time if nothing will happen. You who can identify, by giving her time, will something eventually come out of it?
Remember.. we were acting as though we were in a real relationship (without labels) before she started freaking out (and yes, I really do hope that it's only because it's the "time of the month").

Could use some advice from those of you who can relate.
I'm not obsessed, I just see potential. And truth is, she is the coolest chick and we have more in common than any other girls I have previously dated (both short- and long-term). I can say "f**k it", be in a little pain, move on, and date other girls... But I want to see how far this can go as I've never met anyone like her before. But, like I asked, is it a waste of time or can something happen? What are my chances?

Many thanks!

Eric

[Ellynn]

Honestly we can't guarantee that things are gonna work out with her...

I mean she says she wants to take things slow and doesn't want a relationship right now, so I wouldn't dwell on anything long term..

Its all up to you if you wanna wait around and just hang out with her and keep things how they are now... Just realize that if you choose NOT to, you could lose a good thing.. and if you choose to, it might not amount to anything and she may never change her mind...


Right now, its up to you... So just follow your instincts...

[Gigabitch]

Eric, are you sure you're 22? I wish she had any idea how lucky she is to have you.

Sounds like you don't have much to lose by waiting- but I wonder if she'll ever be able to commit to you. Why should she? She's got her cake and eating it, too.

I'm unclear as to why it's okay for her to date other guys but you seem to feel you can't unless you end it with her.

[Snowflake]

Well, it's okay for her to date other guys since we have talked about it, and we both have the same attitude towards dating; it's something you do for fun, to meet new people. Meeting someone to be romantic with is not on either of our agendas, since we already have that to some extent.

I guess, what I'm hoping for, even though I'm probably fooling myself and it's not nice of me to think this way, is that we will move slow enough for her to adjust and get comfortable. I know that she doesn't want a relationship now, but maybe, in a few weeks, she'll get more used to having me around and be comfortable with the thought of a relationship. I'm a patient man, I can wait, but not if nothing definitely won't come out of it.

[Gigabitch]

Yeah, but... she's having a relationship. The only part that she's not doing is acknowledging you as her significant other. You are clearly her SO, though.

[Snowflake]

So, a little update...
I spoke to her, and she told me that she doesn't want to date anymore. Not even on a low level, since it ultimately will lead to a relationship.
She told me she misses me, but that she really wants to be single...

Now, I don't really know what to write here.
I don't know if I'm looking for comfort, but... I seriously think that I've lost something that could have lead to something very wonderful.
I don't want to sound sad, but to be completely honest, I have never met anyone who I have been so compatible with before in my whole life, and now there is no more hope for us.

I didn't know I was going to let this get to me. I mean, I only saw her for two months, but right now, it's eating me up inside, and everything just seems pointless.

She really was a 'One in a Million', and... when I normally meet girls, I think to myself "okay, I don't like this and that about this woman, but I can deal with it since she is cool otherwise". And I date women all the time. And... this one was not like that at all.
She was the first girl I've ever seen as a "perfect match", and now I don't know what to do. We were perfect together.

I've been dumped before, after a 2 year relationship. The pain was worse, but this isn't the same. This is me in my most honest self, realizing that what I have lost is something that had more potential than anything I've experience before.

Advice needed... I'm almost losing it.
Thanks, guys.

[nendo]

a can never understand why people do all the stuff u do in a relatinoship but never carry the title. i mean ur ether in one or not. its simple realy. uv done alot aparantly with her that go beyong basic friends and is asicly classifide as a relationship so i don't see why she has a problm. if sherealy id think ur wonerful then i think she should just caryr the title. a mean. not being ready for relationship but yet ready for sex. kinda seems slutty

this is my opinions btw

[Snowflake]

I don't think you read all the posts in this topic.
She broke up with her ex three weeks before she started dating me.

[Teezy]

We must be living identical lives. I met a girl who just got out of a 2 year relationship and then 2 weeks later she called me and we hung out for 2 months straight. Hotel rooms, days at the beach, dinner, you name it. We were together, but we weren't.

She eventually gave me the same schpeel: "I need to be alone right now." I was hoping that giving her time would make her miss me, but I've tried contacting her a couple times with no response. I just found out she's dating someone else. That killed me. I found this out yesterday. I realize that I was just a rebound and she needs to grow up.

I'm 22 and she's 20 as well. I told her she just made the biggest mistake of her life and she won't have as much fun with anyone else as she had with me. I'm almost to the point now where I don't even want her back.

All I can say is give it time. I was exactly where you are right now 2 weeks ago. It was a perfect bliss, her and I. No other girl has ever made me feel like that. But there was always a dichotomy between her and I because in my mind, we were in a relationship because that's what I wanted, and in her mind we were friends-with-benefits.

Just give it time, it will work itself out. If she doesn't come back, and starts dating someone else, then it's her loss. She's the one missing out, not you.

[Gigabitch]

Ouch, Snowflake! Can you go somewhere for the summer? Get away from it all- go visit a relative or something? I think you need a change of scenery, because Laramie's a pretty small town and she'll be everywhere you go- it just happens like that when you break up with someone.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Try to hold it together.