Can you explain to me?

[kivvakitten]

Hello.

My fiance and I have been together for nearly seven years. In January we began having problems... we've never fought much but now we fight almost every other day.

The problem is this:

I come home from work late, I greet him, kiss him and maybe act a bit frisky to tell him I'd like to make love with him tonight.

We go to bed, maybe kiss a bit, and then he lays flat on his back, stiff as a board eyes closed. If I cuddle up to him, he doesn't move or respond at all.

I'll ask him if he wants to just go to sleep, he says no, that he's "just relaxing" and "do what you want to me".

So I'll tried cuddling up to him and touching him, but still, he lies as flat as a dead fish.

I usually wind up frustrated and fall asleep.

Next Morning he's pissy and surly that I fell asleep, that I "insulted" him by falling asleep.

"Why'd you fall asleep?"
"I thought you just wanted to sleep."
"I was just relaxing."
"I know, but you weren't responding to me."
"Just because I don't react doesn't mean it doesn't feel good."
"I thought you just wanted to sleep."
"I wanted you to keep touching me."
"I didn't know, you weren't reacting so I thought you wanted me to leave you alone."
"Why don't you just do what you want to do?"
"Because I didn't want to disturb you."
"You won't disturb me if you make love to me."
"I just thought you were tired and I was kind of tired too so I figured I might as well take advantage of it and get some sleep too."
"Then don't come on to me."

So what am I supposed to do???

He tells me he doesn't want me to come onto him unless I intend to have sex with him whether he's awake or not???

[bluesummer]

Um, wow, what a mixed bag of messages this guy is giving you. He's not really being fair.

Part of sex is the interaction. If he's not going to respond or touch you back, why would you want to have sex with him? Tell him that sex is a two way thing and you are not there solely to pleasure him. If he doesn't understand that, he's just being selfish (which I think he's being already).

[NeoSeminole]

uggh, okay I will shed some insight into the male mind. Guys initiate sex like 90% of the time. We try to be romantic, buy you something nice, kiss you, dim the lights, maybe play a little romantic music to set the mood, etc. It's nice for the woman to return the favor once in a while. How many times do you wear sexy lingerie for him or push him onto the couch and make love to him? Your husband probably just wants you to take control once in a while so he can feel what it's like to be desired. If he says he's relaxing, then it means he wants to chill while you do your thing. Do you know how exhausting it is for a guy to do all the work?

[vashti]

Good god, he lays there like the stereotypical frigid housewife? What a bore he must be! How old are you both, and when did he start with this kind of behavior? Most importantly, why would you want to marry a man who is so disconnected from you sexually, and doesn't care to correct the problem? I agree with Bluesummer - sex is supposed to be participatory and a way to connect with another person on a profound level, otherwise you might just as well have a vibrator. I view his behavior as hostile.

Neo, with all due respect, you are mistaken in thinking that women involved in long term relationships don't initiate sex. Not only do women very often initiate sex, but believe it or not, sometimes THEIR needs are unfulfilled.

[King Zarathu]

I agree with Neo on this one. I remember what it was like constantly making the first move but then again I'm not married. It gets boring and it feels great when we receive roses or that kind of stuff too--it obviously applies to more than just sex.

[blue]

So im not the only one that has brought up this initiating behavior shit! I thru that out the window last nite im getting mine and you knwo what i went for it and he got me it was wonderful!

[NeoSeminole]

good, maybe you can give the thread starter some advice

[Tiay]

As a virgin and a female I probably have no business posting here.. but for what it's worth, I feel like giving him a good slap. He's not being fair at all.

Neo: yes, I can see what you mean. But she is initiating, wanting to make love to him, but he just lies there like a dead fish. That's enough to discourage anybody. Most women would be generous enough to simply take pleasure in giving pleasure, for the emotional value of it. But not all the time!

I'm not saying that it's a husbands 'duty' to satisfy his wife no matter what his feelings are, just like I would not say it is a wifes 'duty'.
But, nobody can expect their partner to continue pleasing them when they don't regularly return to the favour.

kivvakitten:
I think you need to set him straight; he's not fulfilling your sexual needs. If he's just taking and not giving, that's not fit to be called making love. I'm sorry I have no idea what could cause it. But you need to talk about it and try to get to the bottom of it.

[courious]

sounds like he might have issues. Perhaps he's having second thought about the relationship, and doesnt have the balls to talk about it.

[Illusional]

that's really weird. alright, joking speaking, give him blue balls. that will teach him.

honestly speaking, being that you have been together for 7 years and are constantly fighting, do you feel that maybe your relationship has changed?? he might not physically be turned onto you anymore because you have been together for so long, and with an upcomming marriage, there may be a lot on his mind.

after reading your converstation, does he ever initiate making love? personally i would never fall alseep half way through unless i wasn't interested in my lover anymore. maybe you should explain how this bothers you, giving the fact that soon you will be married to him.

raverboy

[Only-virgins]

I can see this marriage working.....bwhahahahaha not. He is bored of you.

[kivvakitten]

I appreciate the responses from people actually trying to help.

Intiating sex is the issue, but I'll offer up this tidbit:

He has a part-time job.

I have two part time jobs and I am attending college full time (five classes).

I know I do not always initiate sex, but after being away from home for 130 hours (this includes travel time) a week I'm a *tad* tired.

So I feel a bit turned away when I try to initiate sex and I am treated that way.

Am I unjustified to feel miserable?

We are both 23, and we've been living together for three years. This has not been a problem before now. I've been going to school full time since 2001. I graduate in December.


So Only-virgins, are you saying you'd turn down a naked, red haired woman (36-26-36) lying beside you who was kissing and grinding against you?

[kivvakitten]

Good god, he lays there like the stereotypical frigid housewife? What a bore he must be! How old are you both, and when did he start with this kind of behavior? Most importantly, why would you want to marry a man who is so disconnected from you sexually, and doesn't care to correct the problem? I agree with Bluesummer - sex is supposed to be participatory and a way to connect with another person on a profound level, otherwise you might just as well have a vibrator. I view his behavior as hostile.

Neo, with all due respect, you are mistaken in thinking that women involved in long term relationships don't initiate sex. Not only do women very often initiate sex, but believe it or not, sometimes THEIR needs are unfulfilled.

We're 23 and it started mildly in Jan-feb of this year, but is most marked in the past week.

It hasn't been like this before. We used to have frequent sexual 'adventures'.
I love to please and satisfy my mate, but it's difficult when he makes no reaction or seems uninterested. The only time I'm not willing to initiate is if I'm tired, afraid, nervous or in pain.

I believe, that when I'm rested and comfortable, that my sexual drive is very healthy.

I just feel that I'm being discouraged from iniating physically/pyschologically by his body language, yet, he encourages me verbally to the point where he gets angry/frustrated that I don't do what he wants.

I've explained my confusion but he just doesn't seem to get it. I've asked him to talk to me if I stop when he doesn't want me to, but he says he shouldn't have to tell me to keep going.

I've even told him that if he wants to leave he's free to go (That if I can't make him happy I don't want to be with him), but he always says that he wants to be with me forever and that he's happy and loves me.

He's never cheated on me, and I've never cheated on him either.

I've never been so confused.

Is this some sort of twenties crisis? I love him with all my heart and I tell him how wonderful, handsome and sexy he is, but he just doesn't seem to believe me anymore. If nothing else I'm stubborn and I love him so much I'd make any change he wanted, but if he won't tell me...?

And it's not 'cold feet' because we've had wedding plans before but we were forced to reschedule about two years ago. I don't think it's frustration over that. The only way I could upset him with that is if I told him I wanted to wait another year yet, or that we had to reschedule it again.

I am a thoughtful fiance, in my belief- I love to pick him up little goodies and surprises, from as small as his favorite snack to even getting a new langirie (sp?) outfit to surprise him with.

Is it something else? Maybe it's not me but he's just taking it out on me? *sigh*

[Gigabitch]

You're having problems, and they look like sex problems, but they aren't. If you had to reschedule your wedding plans two years ago and nothing's happened since, maybe that's a good place to start.

Does he have anything else going on besides a part time job? I've found that men need to be accomplishing something pretty regularly, or they get depressed. It's hard for them to deal with a woman who's twice as busy as they are. Maybe he's jealous of all your other commitments.

The answer is not to slow yourself down, though. He's the one with the problem, from what I can tell.

[Only-virgins]

So Only-virgins, are you saying you'd turn down a naked, red haired woman (36-26-36) lying beside you who was kissing and grinding against you?

If I was tired or bored of her? sure.