Do we have too many differences / should I proceed????

[AriannaLeigh]

Hello,

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of weeks now. I'm 38, divorced (no kids) - he's 36, divorced for 5 yrs - has a 13 yr old son who lives with him full time (he's raised him on his own since son was 6 months old, and has a 7 yr old son with his ex wife (that son lives with ex wife).

He is very nice, sweet (but not fake), and we have so much in common - the really important things - our core values, our morals, values, our sense of humour - even our family backgrounds are nearly identical - it's uncanny.

Of course things are still new and fresh -- but some things concern me. Let me say first, I'm a realist. I've been divorced for 11 yrs, I have a very stable professional career, I'm financially independent, I've worked very hard - have a nice new home, am fully self sufficient.

He lives about 90 minutes away from me - on an acreage in a newer small (14x80 ft modular home). I live in a smaller city, population about 27,000 -- and I work in the nearby large city (1 million people). I am a small town girl at heart and it's always been my dream to live on an acreage and get out of the rat race - live in a sleepy little rural town, even (as long as I didn't have to drive too far into work).

He just bought this acreage 6 months ago and has made it very clear that he'd never be open to relocating. Obviously this poses a problem. Now some might say, just go withthe flow and see where it leads - but I see no point continuing to become close and attached to someone, fall in love with them (in time) - only to realize one day that unless "you" (meaning "me") are willing to give up your current life and move to be with them (marry), there's no hope for a future.

I need to know if I should bother continuing.

I moved to where I live 6 yrs ago to be closer to my immediate (small) family - and I'm very close to my Dad (64) who has a lot of significant health issues and I worry about him a great deal. I can't imagine living far away from him, it's a blessing to be so close now should his heart problems change/worsen -- but I would be very unhappy to be a 2 hour drive from him and my Mom (they currently live 30 minutes from me). I have moved in the past for relationships and it was a mistake - selling my home, giving up a good job, etc - and all it did was cost me a lot of money and heartache. I made a vow to myself a few years ago that I would never relocate again for a relationship - that if the guy is "the one" I'm meant to be with, he'll be local OR gladly willing and able to relocate.

This guy already thinks that because I DO love country living, that i shouldn't mind being the one to drive all the way out to his acreage so we can spend time together, sit around the fire, etc. Like I said, it's a 90 minute drive each way. I'm not crazy about driving back home on the highway late at night to come back home - though he's offered that I could gladly spend the night (he'd sleep on the couch, I'd have his bed). That's nice and all - but I'm not ready for "sleepovers" - I'm still getting to know him. Yes, an acreage is nice and all - but my home and where I live is just as nice. Plus, gas is very expensive and I drive a gas guzzling SUV and although I make a good living, I'm not rich. This guy makes a lot more than me, is self employed and can easily write off gas costs.

Also - I have a pet with health issues that require me to give him a shot of medication morning and night. At present, it's 6:30AM and 6:30PM although there's a little leighway there - but I have to try and stick to hours that work around my work hours. It's not easy for me to spend a night anywhere as I have to get up very early to drive back home in time for his shot. Now I can be a couple of hours late - but I'm not crazy about envisioning spending every weekend doing this - I have my own home to take care of - yardwork, groceries, shopping, household chores, visit with friends/family. I work very hard during the week and the 2 days on the weekend go by very quickly. Do I want to spend it doing a lot of driving and having sleepovers and having to get up at the crack of dawn to make the drive back? And no - I will not drag my cat along for the drive - he doesn't travel well, is uncomfortable and stressed in strange environments and this guy has a big dog (who spends time in this small modular home - ugh). My cat is mortified of dogs - my cat is 13 yrs old and I would not even consider subjecting him to that kind of stress.

He is very smitten with me and the feeling is mutual - but he seems very set in his ways and I understand that...plus he has a son to think about, he has to provide stability for him and him relocating downthe road would impact his son, of course. FOr the record, his other son lives close to me.

I don't know what to do here. He wouldnever be able to spend the night here because of his son - so it's always going to be me going there. I think I'll grow to resent that. I've been in long distance relationships before with guys who had kids and it was always me making the sacrifices and compromises anddoing the driving to see them - and it started to get old.

Or do I just go with the flow and forget all this - and just think that someone things can work out if they'[re meant to be?

Thanks
A

[Ellynn]

I see your dilemma. But honestly, if your in no rush to take things further, why not just go with the flow?

You can't be the one always driving to him. Can't he meet you in the middle by coming by you sometimes? And I understand how its hard on him because of his son. Its important for him to put his son first.... but however, why should you always be the one to have to sacrafice?

I say go with the flow and see what happens. Get to know him better and actually spend some time with him... Eventually... If he truly cares about you and its gonna go somewhere, he will relocate so he can be closer to you. Or, at the very least, there should be some sort of compromise. He should realize that even though you don't have children, your family and pets are very important to you. IF he is NOT willing to compromise in some way, then I say move on to someone else.

[AriannaLeigh]

Hello Ellynn,
Thanks for your response, I appreciate it a lot. What you've said is what I keep telling myself -- but I guess the reason that I'm not just living for the "now" and I'm concerned about just going with the flow is this..............I know that Love is very powerful and a person will sometimes compromise their wants/needs all for someone they love.

I've done that in the past - in 2 prior long distance relationships. In those relationships (one of them I was engaged to), my love for the guy was so strong that I felt that the only option WAS for me to give up my life and move to have a life with him. In both past LDRs, the guys had kids so it was easier for me to do this.

I don't ever want to be put into a situation where the love I feel for someone causes me to feel I have to choose between my immediate family (my Dad especially - I'm a nurse so I'm even more in tune with his health issues) and the guy I love.

All these years since my last marriage, I have really held out for "the right guy" because I do want to settle down again - very much (but ONLY with the right guy). Life is short, I don't want to waste it in a relationship that likely couldn't have a future because in order to have that future, it would mean that *I* would have to be the one to turn my life upside down to be with them.

I think a lot of men figure it's much easier for a woman to just up and move. They think this to a greater degree if the gal doesn't have children. But my home (took a lot of blood, sweat, tears, hard work to buy it and make it a "home"), my professional career, my family, my roots here, my pets - they are very signficant to me.

What if I fall in love with him and a year down the road it becomes clear that he's very set and stubborn and truly will NOT ever consider compromising or relocating here - what kind of heartwrenching situation will I be in then? - I guess that's what I fear the most. Then I will be put into a situation where I have to compromise the things that matter dearly to me and move away from my life here - OR - I give up the man I love and then have to live with that pain.

I guess this is all a concern because already I see that he thinks I'll always go there to visit him and I think that's very presumptuous on his part and I sort of see it as a sign of things to come - that maybe he expects things to always be "his way"?

Maybe I should just end things now and recommit myself to holding out for a more local guy? The more I fall for this guy, the harder it will become, I think - so maybe I should just cut my losses now?

Also - just the fact that he thinks it's just fine for me to consider spending the night at his place, this early on - that's a concern. A smart women wouldn't spend the night at the home -- out in the country -- of a guy she doesn't know all that well. I'm surprised he'd even suggest it. Maybe this is common for him with past women he's dated? For the record, I met him on a popular online dating site - so who really knows about his history? I mean, he seems great and sweet but how stupid would I be to consider spending the night at the home (of course with him on the couch) of a strange I met on the internet? But then to not spend the night, I have to drive back home in the pitch dark on a stretch of highway that is notorious for accidents/fatalities. Is the risk to my life worth it? Seems already that I'm the one to have to inconvenience myself a lot. Guess that bugs me a bit.

[vashti]

Your first post left me thinking that you were right; you should break things off since this man is geographically undesirable. However, your second post makes me wonder if this isn't more of an ideological issue for you. If your objection is merely that he wants things "his way" (and let's face it: who doesn't?), then I think you should ask yourself why things need to be YOUR way. Are you inflexible? Are you willing to negotiate? Just food for thought...

In the end of course, if neither of you are willing to compromise, then this is obviously not a match, and there is no sense in wasting your time.

[AriannaLeigh]

Yes Vashti, I can see where you're coming from. It does appear that I'm just as inflexible as I fear he may be...and that's kind of hypocritical on my part, isn't it?

I guess I wouldn't even be analyzing these things at this point had it not been for the fact that it's become apparent right off the bat that he expects me to always come to him - without any consideration for the fact that:

a) it's not cheap for me to always be making this 3 hr round-trip - when gas costs are so high and I drive a gas guzzling SUV and am not a millionaire

b) he sees no problem with me coming out there to spend an evening with him, leaving me in a position where I have to make the long drive back home in the dark on a crappy stretch of highway, endangering my life to some degree. OR - if I don't want to do that, I should just appreciate his offer that I can spend the night - his assumption that I should be comfortable spending the night at the home of a stranger I met on the internet, who lives out in the country. There's the safety aspects right there, not to mention that he's assuming that I'm happy to spend the night in his bed (him on the couch), in a strange place when maybe I prefer to spend the night in my own bed in my own home? And what if he turned out to be abusive or pushy - he says he would be a gentleman and he'd sleep on the couch but what if he got pushy and changed his mind and wanted me to sleep WITH him - what if tried to force himself on me? - then where am I ? Out in the country, kind of isolated, in a strange place and at risk?

c) he keeps talking about his place and how great it is so spend the evening sitting around the fire, how it will be very romantic and he can't wait for us to do this. It's already like he thinks that his home is "better" and that his home is where we'll spend all of our time. I think that's presumptuous. And call me a snob but it's not like he lives in some great house in the country - it's a mobile home, for crying out loud - surely not a place I myself would ever live in.

What if things progress and one day he wanted me to marry him and live there with him in his little trailer (mobile home) - there's no way in hell I'd do that, no matter how much i loved someone. I haven't worked my ass off in life to end up living in a mobile home when I currently have a home that's twice the size.

What about his son? He's spoken a lot about how he wants to be a good role model to his son, how he's had previous longterm relationships with women who wanted to live with him but he didn't feel that was right or a good example to his son - which I respect - but how could it be any better for him to meet a woman on the internet and 2 weeks after meeting her, think it's acceptable to have that womenspend the night in his home? What does THAT teach his son? And is that even wise? I mean, I'm a normal, stable, upstanding woman - but there's lots of crazy ones out there - how does he really know I'm not one of them - does he really want to have a strange woman spending the night in his home where his son is? Seems kind of careless to me?

[vashti]

It definitely doesn't sound like this is a match for you. Your concerns are legitimate, whether or not your motives are suspect.

For the record, no way in hell would I let someone off the internet anywhere near my kid for a very long time, and the trailer in the country doesn't thrill me either, especially since he is supposedly stable financially, which I seriously doubt.

You might just want to examine your own agenda before seeking someone who lives in a better location - not because of this guy, but because of the next one.

[AriannaLeigh]

My own agenda? I don't have any agenda, truthfully. What do you think my agenda might be, according to what you're getting from my posts? (how am I coming across, please tell me honestly, i can take it).

I am not a golddigger, if that's what you might think? I have everything someone could ask for, and the sense of pride that comes from having worked hard for it all - myself. However, I'm not wealthy - and I don't think being in a relationship should have to cost a person financially. Okay, I'm not talking about splitting the cost of dates or outings and such - but for me to have to spend $80 every weekend to go and see him, that seems "off" to me...and the reason I can afford the mortgage on my home, and a new vehicle payment and the rest of the things a person has to spend money on (groceries, utilities, taxes, auto and home insurance, incidentals, pet costs, etc) is because I watch my money.

This is a guy who originally contacted me. However foolishly, I thought as time progressed that it would be a give and take thing - but it seems that he expects me to always be the one to make the drive out to his place.

I'm not looking for Mr Rich but I'm tired of dating deadbeats who don't have a pot to p*ss in and figure that because I make more than them, that I should pay for everything. I want someone who's financially independent as I am and I don't think that's too much to ask for at this age.

I'm not doubting his financial position - land around here is very expensive. depending on the size of the land he owns, it could have easily cost him $300,000 and that's not chump change. A person around these parts who wants to live in the country has to be prepared to pay the price - so I can understand why someone who's not married, who lives only with one child might be content to live on an expensive piece of land in a mobile home. He owns a trucking company.

So again - why do you think my motives are suspect, perhaps, and that I have some kind of hidden agenda? I've never been accused of that in my life, I'm a very upfront honest decent person and I guess that surprises me.

Thanks

[vashti]

Hmm.. maybe I worded that poorly, but what I meant was that you might want to consider whether (as I mentioned before) you are willing to make compromises when they are reasonable (emphasis on reasonable). You seem a bit defensive, like perhaps you have dated too many losers who are out to get what you have built for yourself. I may have read you entirely wrong, but your second post made me wonder. No offense intended, and I certainly don't blame you for not wanting to date men who haven't figured out how to provide adequately for themselves by your age. I wouldn't, either.

Where do you live that you can get land for $300,000? I live in the Los Angeles area, and you couldn't get a mobile home on a postage stamp-sized lot for that! (I MUST consider moving one day!)

[AriannaLeigh]

I live in Canada. Around where I live, it would cost a good $600,000 for a small piece of land in the country but where he lives, that's likely what it would cost there (for maybe 5 acres). You can't compare the cost of land to places like LA, they don't compare. Here, you could get a beautful 2800 sf custom built house for $400,000 so maybe that puts it into perspective. I just brought this up because I think you figured that because he lives in a trailer that he's not as financially stable as he says he is. I can actually see why a single man with a teenage son would have this kind of living situation - why would a guy in this position spend twice that for a home for just the 2 of them?

I guess I am a little defensive, I'll admit. Not really sure why. Thanks for your responses, though.

[Only-virgins]

Man, you type alot for every piece of advice you get.

[AriannaLeigh]

So? - if it's too much for you, nobody's forcing you to read. Be a big boy, just ignore what doesn't appeal to you.

[King Zarathu]

Dude, you just got pwned by a canuck.

[Only-virgins]

So? - if it's too much for you, nobody's forcing you to read. Be a big boy, just ignore what doesn't appeal to you.

Much better. See, that wasn't to hard was it? I can't believe how this shit could appeal to anyone. You do live in Canada though, they have shiet to do there so I guess that explains all your gay posting.

[Gigabitch]

My own agenda? I don't have any agenda, truthfully. What do you think my agenda might be, according to what you're getting from my posts? (how am I coming across, please tell me honestly, i can take it).

Hey, hey, hey, now. I think you're getting all twisted up over a word you don't really understand. An agenda is a plan for yourself. A little list of your own standards and desires that dictate how you will behave and what you will accept.

You should have an agenda. And if your agenda doesn't include giving up everything you've created for yourself for the pleasure of sleeping in a trailer with a man you clearly don't trust, maybe it's a good agenda.

I think you're right to question where things will go in the long run. If he's really the one, he'll still be the one after you get to know each other better.

Little piece of advice from the voice of experience: A self-employed man is a lot like a retired man. He's always in your hair. Keep your own space- it's a treasure and a blessing.

[AriannaLeigh]

Much better. See, that wasn't to hard was it? I can't believe how this shit could appeal to anyone. You do live in Canada though, they have shiet to do there so I guess that explains all your gay posting.

Well it obviously must appeal to you greatly or you wouldn't have taken the time out of your *cough cough* busy schedule to post twice in this thread. Dumbass.