Advices needed!

[Dante]

Hi All,

I am a 28 yrs old male. I really have a problem that I couldn't solve on my own and needs advices from others, both sides from male and female. The whole year and a half had been extremely difficult for me because of my gf.

We met in church a few years ago. She was with someone, she notices I always secretly looking at her. She didn't have any feel for me at the time. A close friend from the church told me that she might be sleeping with her bf from time to time and wasn't a good choice for me in a christian perpective. But anyway, she had bf so I just have to turn away even she's really attractive to me.

After a year, she found out her bf had been cheating on her for many months, she forced to separate. She was unhappy and just wanted be in any relationship she can find. I figure maybe I can accept her past, so I went after her. So I did, I called her frequently. But after a week, there was this #$(& low-life guy came our church searching for his prey. This guys is not nice-looking or anything. To me, he looks nothing but a sewage rat. She didn't know this guy well, but he kept calling her 10+ times a day. She thinks I am a little to thin to be her bf, so she finally picked this f**king guy that she barely knew. I was upset, but couldn't do anything to win her back.

I haven't been in any relationship for the last 7 years, I really wanted a gf. I am thin and have had some health problem, mild depression and insomnia for many years. I always wanted someone to spend my life with and take care of me.

Two years ago, I found out that she broke up with this f**king guy. I didn't have any feel for her anymore. She looked chubbier and wasn't attractive as before. But we still see each other in church, and hung out. One night, we went clubbing together with a few friends, and there was a moment that she was acting drunk and hug me. I didn't know how to react at the time. But knowing myself wanting a gf desperately, I holded her in my arms. And we began our relationship..

We fell in love and had sex after a week. Things seems to be coming so quick. I thought it was a romantic start, but it wasn't as I planned. She told me about her past that she slept with that f**king guy and her ex-bf. She had 7 boyfriends before. But she never told me about the rest besides that two that I knew. I figure I slept two girls before I became a christian, so I figure that makes it even.

I then finds out the only reasons she picked me now and didn't pick me before is that she has no better choice now. She picked that f**king guy over me 2 years ago, but she found out she didn't like him after 2 weeks but still stay with him for a year. She slept with her even she didn't like him. In comparision now, I seems to be more successful than that f**king guy. I am an engineer. I have a $50K luxury car, I have $400K town-house. She now knew she picked the wrong guy. She knew I can give her better future. She picked me now is because no others are attracted to her anymore. I was being so naive, I though love can overcome anything. I tried to love her to forget her past, I tried to love her to forget about the reason why she picked me now. But I failed, those f**king pictures of her past just come back to me every night haunting me. I couldn't love her anymore. Having sex with her draws me close to her. So everytime I feel upset about her, we will have sex to straighten things up. Most of the time, I am depressed becuz of her, I am taking Prozac and sleeping pill every night to make me fall asleep.

We are constantly having sex to keep our relationship. It's been a year and a half now, things didn't get any better, I still can't forget all the things that upsets me. I tried to break up with her 5 times, but I am too soft-hearted to see her in pain so we are always back together everytime I try for a break up. I really need some strong advice now, cuz I am constantly in pain because of her for last 450 days. It's feels like digging out a flesh my heart peice by peice with a spoon each time I think about her and her past and those reasons.

Trouble Mind,
dante

[vashti]

You want strong advice? Okay - here you go:

I think you need to stop blaming her for your depression and start taking responsibility for YOUR choices. You CHOSE to date her, even knowing her past was one you disapproved of, you CHOSE to keep her, and continue to do so. You really have no one to blame but yourself.

You probably should just act like a man and cut things off with this poor woman. I am sure she would be horrified to know how little you think of her.

And by the way, this sentence you wrote makes me think you have some interesting ideas about what relationships should be like.

"I always wanted someone to spend my life with and take care of me."

Sorry if I seem harsh. Sometimes you really have to be blunt for people to get it.

[Ellynn]

I agree with Vashti. You should break up with her if her past bothers you so much.


Some points I want to include:

You had depression before you were with her, so why blame it entirely on her? You need to take control of the situation and either let her past go or break up with her.

You also blame her for being with you because she has no other options, but what about you? You said you just wanted to be with someone so you could have a gf../someone to take care of you. So you can't say your not doing the same thing. If you think shes after your money, well your after a woman to take care of you as well. In a relationship, its good if both people can contribute in some way. Keep this in mind..

OH yeah, about her past. She slept with people before you....and you admitted that you slept with people before her. Ok, so maybe you weren't religious at that point, but the point is....that even if YOU ARE a christian, you can still make mistakes... The christian thing to do is to forgive people and move on. (Spoken from a true Christian).

So yeah, instead of blaming her, do the right thing and end things if you are truly unhappy.

[Dante]

Hi There,

It sounded a bit harsh for these answers, but it's truely what I needed to hear. I mean I don't blame on her anymore, but it's just to hard for me to go on. I really wish to be with her to spend our lives together. I love her so much. She's perfect in every way; she's a person I always dreamt to be with. I dont' think I will find any other girls who's better than her.

The thing is.. should I just end this relationship and never bother her again nor see her even knowing we still love each other so much? Or should we just break up and be friends and get together when I am ready? I am being very selfish here, but I really don't know what's the best option for both of us...

Dante,

P.S. Vashti and Ellynn, I sincerely thanks you guys for telling me things I deserve. I hope you can give me more direction on this. Best Regards..

[dono]

Yes Danté, vashti and Elly are completely correct. Time to get your head on straight.

[vashti]

I think you should consider breaking things off. On the one hand, you begin by pretty much trashing her and saying how unhappy you are, and then you proceed to say that she is the girl of your dreams, etc... It doesn't sound like you know what you want.

Let her go - you two don't sound like a match in my opinion, and she deserves a chance at finding someone who cares for her in a more healthy way.

You write, "should we just break up and be friends and get together when I am ready?" Honestly, I can't imagine why she would take you back (based on what you have written), but then again, maybe she is unaware of how you really feel about her. Also, there is a possibility that when you are ready, she won't be available.

[Dante]

Hi Vashti,

The most painful thing is I can't love a person who I really loved. But I am just too jealous of her past, and too much for me to bear the pain. Right from the start I have told her everything in my mind. I don't want to cheat her in any way. We both know where we stand, we are trying our hardest to keep this relationship. I forced myself to stay with her is because I need to take some responsibility because I accepted in the first place.

Just to get more of unbias opinion, I need to tell everything that I have done to her even I will get cursed by others for the rest of my life. I accidently got her preganent, and made her to go through an abortion almost a year. I feel so ashame to leave her for all she had done for me. Will I be a total jerk if I just leave her like this? I really need help.

[vashti]

Aww, geez. I hope you have found a more reliable form of birth control.

How could you "make" her get an abortion? No doubt you influenced her decision, but she is ultimately responsible for her own choices, as are you.

My opinion is that with the lack of esteem you hold for her, this relationship is a bad one, nevermind the abortion. Staying together under these circumstances cheats her of the opportunity to find someone who loves and respects her.

[Gigabitch]

I accidently got her preganent, and made her to go through an abortion almost a year.

WTF? I thought you were a Christian, and that it was the basis for your extremely judgemental stance on her life.

Judge yourself, Dante. You did these things. You have a past of your own. I think you should give yourself a good look in the mirror and stop focusing on all of her faults.

[Ellynn]

Yeah really.....judge yourself before you judge others.. And the christian thing to do in THAT situation would have been to take responsibilities for your actions instead of Killing a human life.......

[Dante]

I no longer call myself a Christian for all the things I did, never gone to church since. I just hope to know what is the best option for us both. ... I have nothing else to say..

[Ellynn]

I no longer call myself a Christian for all the things I did, never gone to church since. I just hope to know what is the best option for us both. ... I have nothing else to say..

Well its one thing to call yourself a christian and another to live like one. I mean no one is perfect, and the good thing about christianity is that if you are truly sorry...you are forgiven. We all make mistakes, but that shouldn't keep you from going to church. Everyone is welcome there....no matter what...

I do think though that if you are having that many doubts in your current relationship and having been thru all of that..(some life altering decisions) maybe its time to step back and really evaluate your relationship. Do you see yourself with her forever? Or married? Or having a family? YOu both have made mistakes...but can you let hers go? If you say no to some of these, chances are that you need to end things with her and move on. Because honestly, in the long run, you are gonna make each other miserable...

You deserve to be happy just like SHE deserves to be happy. So if you truly care about her...do the right thing.... Hopefully you figure out what that is.