I need Space

[TheNinja]

Me and my girlfriend of have been together almost a year in a half. You may remeber that I posted earlier about my girlfriend ditching me, well now I know why.

I talked with her the next day. We were going to move to an apartment in boston this June, when I talked to her then she told me she dosen't want to go anymore. She's 19, im 20 and she's never lived away from home before, we'd be moving about 3 hours away, and that was too far away for her. Then she said that in addition to this she needed more space. She said she felt overwhelmed, and she only wants to see me a few times a week. We're very much in love, so much so that weve probably spent only two or three weeks apart while I was in the area (excluding the three months I lived in boston and she came to visit every other weekend). So now we haven't been seeeing each other that much, and I've been noticing different aspects to her behavior that have changed. The big thing, about a week after this I wrote her a little love letter and slipped it in her purse when we were getting lunch. Later she told me she got my message, and I asked her if she liked it, to which she responded "sure." in a not really/I don't care sort of a way. Secondly she's been much less affectionate than usual as well as less talkative. I guess I understand her need for space, but is this something I should worry about? I'm worried that she might be losing interest in me or she's losing interest in the relationship alltogether. I'd Just like some people's opinon on this if you have any.

[Rosebud]

I can't really say one way or another by what you've said becasue we don't know what she's thinking. But if this is really bothering you, I would talk to her about it. Ask her what she is wanting space from? And why she doesn't want to be around you as much. I mean from what you said it sounds as if she's backing out of the relationship slowly but again I don't know what she's thinking so I can't say for sure.

[TheNinja]

Well, I'll elaborate on a few of the points you brought up.


She dosen't want to be around me because she said she's "Overwhelmed", and I'm not entirely certain what this means. She's said one of the reasons she wants space from me so she can hang out with her friends, when I asked as to why I couldn't come she'd become very defensive and say something to the effect of "they're MY friends". I've never had a problem hanging out with her and her friends together before, I like all of them so I'm not sure how my presence would be a problem.

Also when she first told me about this I talked with her about it a little more in depth, when I asked her why she didn't want to move in with me she said things along the lines of "I'm young, we're moving too fast, etc".

As for what she's wanting space from, I'd say just me in general, but I can't elaborate on this any further, as I really haven't directly asked the question.

[Rosebud]

Yea sweetie, I think she's backing out of the relationship but isn't telling you flat out like she should.

[TheNinja]

Do you think there is any way to salvage this if this is the case?

I mean, we've often told each other we thought if we were the "one", I asked her that the other night and she said yes. I'm not sure if she's just saying this for the sake of saying it or not.

She's also told me she'd still go look at apartments with me, and expressed an interest in possibly moving in at a later date. Arggg this is all just so confusing.

[Rosebud]

Well to be honest I really don't know. You said you have talked about this, but does she know how your feeling about it all? I mean it could just be that she really does want space to be with her friends and have time alone with them especially if you guys were spending a lot of time together.

If that's the case, and she really does care for you as much as she says then this space she's asking for will only make her miss you more and the time you two do spend together will be more appreciated. But I think only time will tell on this.

[TheNinja]

I guess you're right. I talked with her about it the other night, and I asked her if this space she needed was temporary, she said "maybe". Do you think its appropriate to ask for a deadline for this, or should I just let her be.

[clynn]

I'd say your best bet is to give her space.

I wouldn't say that her wanting to hang out with her friends without you is or should be a problem. We all like to have relationships and friendships that are our own and not ours and our boyfriends together. It is nice to have alone time.

[shh!]

The more you try to hold on to her, the more she will resist you. Give her some space so you don't make her rebel against you.

[bucsgirl]

If someone wants to spend some time NOT with you, just take it for that. Being together too much can be smothering. She said what she wanted and that you cannot change. If you don't give her what she wants and respect that, she will resent you for it. The more you push when someone's backing off a bit, you may end up driving them away.
You really can't do anything more than just let her be with her friends. If she really loves you, then she'll miss you and want to spend time with you. It's one of those things that the tighter you try to hold onto the weaker and weaker your grip becomes.