Getting to the next level

[hava nagila]

As I've stated in another thread, I'm a 20-year-old male, and I've never had a girlfriend. This is something I want very much in my life, because I'm an only child that needs an emotional support in my life from someone at my age level that I can relate to (as opposed to parents, who are a different kind of emotional support, which is good to have too but it's not enough). For example right now, recently I lost a grandparent and I need someone to spend time with and hold onto and talk to for hours. I'm internalizing all my feelings because I don't have someone to talk to for more than five minutes. I don't want to hear that I should just sit back and wait for someone to come to me, or that I can be happy single, because I have already proven both of those things to be untrue from years of experience. There are a number of issues that exist, so please excuse the length of this

1) Having never had a girlfriend, one might say I'm "inexperienced". I don't see anything wrong with that, but apparently a lot of girls do. In one week alone I had two of them outright ask me, out of the blue, whether I had kissed anyone before. I was honest with them in both cases. One said she was "uncomfortable" because I had a lack of experience. The other said she was "intimidated" by my "innocence". I asked both of them why that was so important to them, and they didn't have an answer. Now how the hell am I supposed to get any experience with anyone if they see all the other good qualities in me but shut the door as soon as they find out that I have never gotten beyond a couple dates? No, ladies, I am NOT "damaged goods" just because I've never been in a relationship or kissed anyone. How shallow. I want someone who is non-judgemental.

2) I have a minor neurological issue known as Asperger Syndrome, which interferes with my social abilities to some extent. It is a mild varient of autism. I don't see anything wrong with myself for it, but girls see the wrong in it all the time. It all boils down to body language, something which I am told girls have an obsession with. I express myself in a manner that conveys messages not intended, and girls are turned off me permanently. Again, I want someone who is non-judgemental.

3) I live in an urban region that I am unable to leave at the moment that demographically has a large dominance of males over females. Finding a single female is virtually impossible here, but I know lots of single males.

4) I have no problem meeting girls, and I am a confident enough young man. I have a number of female friends, and I know many more - the problem is that virtually all of them are "taken". The issue is moving from a friendship to a relationship in the case of those I am friends with. In fact I believe I have a chance with several female friends, one or two of whom are single at the moment, but I don't know how to do this. In the case of other girls I know (acquaintances) it is getting together for the first date with them that is the problem. Which brings me to #5.

5) Girls do not return phone calls or e-mails, and making plans with them is impossible. Even if I set something up for a certain date and time, they almost always cancel. How do I stop them from cancelling?

6) Should I go ahead and kiss a girl if I feel the time is right? Or should I ask? Does asking make me look unconfident?

7) I am not looking for a one-night stand or whatever. I am looking for a solid relationship.

8) I am a NICE GUY. I treat people with respect. And I'm proud of it.

So, what am I supposed to do? I want to be able to come back one month from today and say that I have someone.

[King Zarathu]

As I've stated in another thread, I'm a 20-year-old male, and I've never had a girlfriend. This is something I want very much in my life, because I'm an only child that needs an emotional support in my life from someone at my age level that I can relate to (as opposed to parents, who are a different kind of emotional support, which is good to have too but it's not enough). For example right now, recently I lost a grandparent and I need someone to spend time with and hold onto and talk to for hours. I'm internalizing all my feelings because I don't have someone to talk to for more than five minutes. I don't want to hear that I should just sit back and wait for someone to come to me, or that I can be happy single, because I have already proven both of those things to be untrue from years of experience. There are a number of issues that exist, so please excuse the length of this

You should'nt have to depend on somebody else, you would do best to be able to support yourself in cases much like these. If you can do this, relationships will be so much better and break-ups will be so much smoother.

1) Having never had a girlfriend, one might say I'm "inexperienced". I don't see anything wrong with that, but apparently a lot of girls do. In one week alone I had two of them outright ask me, out of the blue, whether I had kissed anyone before. I was honest with them in both cases. One said she was "uncomfortable" because I had a lack of experience. The other said she was "intimidated" by my "innocence". I asked both of them why that was so important to them, and they didn't have an answer. Now how the hell am I supposed to get any experience with anyone if they see all the other good qualities in me but shut the door as soon as they find out that I have never gotten beyond a couple dates? No, ladies, I am NOT "damaged goods" just because I've never been in a relationship or kissed anyone. How shallow. I want someone who is non-judgemental.

You should have responded to them in a mysterious way, a way that would have sparked their curiosity and interest--without answering their question. "Wouldn't you want to know..." is a famous one

2) I have a minor neurological issue known as Asperger Syndrome, which interferes with my social abilities to some extent. It is a mild varient of autism. I don't see anything wrong with myself for it, but girls see the wrong in it all the time. It all boils down to body language, something which I am told girls have an obsession with. I express myself in a manner that conveys messages not intended, and girls are turned off me permanently. Again, I want someone who is non-judgemental.

Girls read body language incredibly well, so it isn't them being judgemental. After doing research on Asperger Syndrome, I can understand where these girls come from when they're turned off. That might sound like I'm being an asshole, but I'd much rather be honest than put wrong ideas in your head. You need to find a way to grasp some sort of control on this, or you'll find yourself waiting and waiting for a girl, and perhaps come across some strange ones.

3) I live in an urban region that I am unable to leave at the moment that demographically has a large dominance of males over females. Finding a single female is virtually impossible here, but I know lots of single males.

There are two solutions to this. One of these solutions is that you can participate in a large gangbang. Not that I'm into that or anything... Anyway, the second solution is, in my opinion, much better. You can manipulate this and use it for your benefit. Obverse the other males (that aren't single) and learn to make yourself more attractive, sort've like a competition.

5) Girls do not return phone calls or e-mails, and making plans with them is impossible. Even if I set something up for a certain date and time, they almost always cancel. How do I stop them from cancelling?

Refer to the previous responses, and #8.

Should I go ahead and kiss a girl if I feel the time is right?

No.

Or should I ask?

And no.

Does asking make me look unconfident?

Completely depends on the situation, sometimes it can be a HUGE turn-on and sometimes it can be a HUGE turn-off.

7) I am not looking for a one-night stand or whatever. I am looking for a solid relationship.

That's not an issue.

8) I am a NICE GUY. I treat people with respect. And I'm proud of it.

That, kind sir, will **** you over. Completely. You need to be a dick to girls, but there's a certain way to do it. I can't explain it, I'll let somebody who is better with words do that...

So, what am I supposed to do? I want to be able to come back one month from today and say that I have someone.

I commend you for setting a goal, but you need to follow up to it

[hava nagila]

You should'nt have to depend on somebody else, you would do best to be able to support yourself in cases much like these. If you can do this, relationships will be so much better and break-ups will be so much smoother.

How am I supposed to support myself in a case like this? I need emotional comfort from others. One can only derive so much comfort from themselves; a certain amount of it has to come from others. I am NOT going to f*cking sit here and stew, because it is only going to harm me in the long run. I need someone to vent with. And I am going to get it, whether society likes it or not.

You should have responded to them in a mysterious way, a way that would have sparked their curiosity and interest--without answering their question. "Wouldn't you want to know..." is a famous one

I agree on that one.

Girls read body language incredibly well, so it isn't them being judgemental. After doing research on Asperger Syndrome, I can understand where these girls come from when they're turned off. That might sound like I'm being an asshole, but I'd much rather be honest than put wrong ideas in your head. You need to find a way to grasp some sort of control on this, or you'll find yourself waiting and waiting for a girl, and perhaps come across some strange ones.

And where are these girls coming from?

That, kind sir, will **** you over. Completely. You need to be a dick to girls, but there's a certain way to do it. I can't explain it, I'll let somebody who is better with words do that...

That's not my problem. Girls are just being complete idiots. They should go out with nice guys, and they should be forced to like it. They should be damn well ashamed of themselves for their systematic anti nice guy movement. The girls that succeed are the ones that get into trouble and are abusive. And trust me, I have seen relationships where the girl (innocent, regular person in the neighbourhood) gets killed, after knowingly choosing someone from a prison with a criminal record. If this girl chose a nice guy instead of a criminal, she'd be alive today. I didn't make this up.

By and large, girls are far shallower than men.

[King Zarathu]

How am I supposed to support myself in a case like this? I need emotional comfort from others. One can only derive so much comfort from themselves; a certain amount of it has to come from others. I am NOT going to f*cking sit here and stew, because it is only going to harm me in the long run. I need someone to vent with. And I am going to get it, whether society likes it or not.

It will prevent you from depending on somebody like I did for the past 3 years of my life. Trust me, learn to support yourself. I'm single now and the break-up was a bitch because I depended on her for emotional support (among sex). Be smarter than I was.

And where are these girls coming from?

My ass, which is yet another reason you do not want those girls.

That's not my problem.

It is obviously your problem because you're making a thread about it.

They should go out with nice guys, and they should be forced to like it.

They should go out with nice guys, but do they? Nope. Cruel trick of nature, it's a bitch. Too damn bad. They should be forced, you say? That's just as shallow and low as saying you should be forced to enjoy the fact that you're single because of a disorder that you can't help. It's just nature bro.

They should be damn well ashamed of themselves for their systematic anti nice guy movement.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but you can either fight nature or cooperate with it. Your choice. If life was this easy everybody would succeed. Only the strong do.

And trust me, I have seen relationships where the girl (innocent, regular person in the neighbourhood) gets killed, after knowingly choosing someone from a prison with a criminal record. If this girl chose a nice guy instead of a criminal, she'd be alive today. I didn't make this up.

Perhaps, but who's the dumbass in that situation? The idiot or the idiot going out with the idiot?

By and large, girls are far shallower than men.

This is a huge generalization, mind you. Generalizations are shallow.

[hava nagila]

It will prevent you from depending on somebody like I did for the past 3 years of my life. Trust me, learn to support yourself. I'm single now and the break-up was a bitch because I depended on her for emotional support (among sex). Be smarter than I was.

Fair enough.

They should go out with nice guys, but do they? Nope. Cruel trick of nature, it's a bitch. Too damn bad. They should be forced, you say? That's just as shallow and low as saying you should be forced to enjoy the fact that you're single because of a disorder that you can't help. It's just nature bro.

Don't even take what I said seriously. I was in a bad mood tonight. I still think that girls should give nice guys a chance, but let them make their own choice. I just had to express some anger.

Perhaps, but who's the dumbass in that situation? The idiot or the idiot going out with the idiot?

Don't tell that to the feminists.

This is a huge generalization, mind you. Generalizations are shallow.

Of course it's a generalization...many guys are shallow too!

[King Zarathu]

Don't even take what I said seriously. I was in a bad mood tonight. I still think that girls should give nice guys a chance, but let them make their own choice. I just had to express some anger.

It happens to the best of us, I don't take anything personally (at least, not on online forums).

Don't tell that to the feminists.

Somebody on this forum corrected my definition of "feminist." feminist: adj. of or relating to or advocating equal rights for women. Most of us are, indeed, feminists.

Of course it's a generalization...many guys are shallow too!

I was specifically referring to the paradox of accusing an entire sex or gender of being shallow.


I'm only 15, and I've learned at a young age that if something is making you mad or something generates negative emotion, just end it! You have too much to spare to feel pissed off about something. Avoid the situation entirely.

[hava nagila]

I'm only 15, and I've learned at a young age that if something is making you mad or something generates negative emotion, just end it! You have too much to spare to feel pissed off about something. Avoid the situation entirely.

Now I feel old! Advice from someone five years younger than me......cosmic!

[King Zarathu]

I knew I should've have said that...

[vashti]

For the record, I am older than 15. (haha)

I think you might want to look into some sort of support/social group for people with Aspergers. ALso, girls will be turned off by your statements that you "need" some emotional support. Generally speaking, women like for their men to be the strong ones.

Also, I should just tell you that girls DON'T like guys that are assholes. They like guys with confidence, a backbone, and a healthy amount of self-esteem. People who don't understand that are, well.... probably 15.

[hava nagila]

I think you might want to look into some sort of support/social group for people with Aspergers. ALso, girls will be turned off by your statements that you "need" some emotional support. Generally speaking, women like for their men to be the strong ones.

I do go to a social group for people with this condition once in awhile when I have time (I'm a university student). The incidence of this condition, however, is much more prevailent in males than females, and here in Canada, awareness is extremely, extremely, extremely low, compared to the United States and much of Europe, which means that even though there are a lot of people with the condition, most don't know they have it.

I don't actually tell girls that I "need" emotional support. But I'm going to try and provide that for them more.

Also, I should just tell you that girls DON'T like guys that are assholes. They like guys with confidence, a backbone, and a healthy amount of self-esteem. People who don't understand that are, well.... probably 15.

Girls do like guys with confidence. The problem is that a lot of people with "confidence" are also jerks. I know too many young women that have fallen for jerk guys, in rare cases even getting brutally murdered by them. Girls want someone with respect AND confidence. The big challenge is finding someone with both - respectful guys often lack confidence, and confident guys often lack respect for others. Most of the guys I know that have a girlfriend lack respect for others.

[vashti]

Girls do like guys with confidence. The problem is that a lot of people with "confidence" are also jerks. I know too many young women that have fallen for jerk guys, in rare cases even getting brutally murdered by them. Girls want someone with respect AND confidence. The big challenge is finding someone with both - respectful guys often lack confidence, and confident guys often lack respect for others. Most of the guys I know that have a girlfriend lack respect for others.

As you get older, the young girls you know now will have since learned how to tell the difference between genuine confidence and the guys who are just jerks. When you are young, they often look the same.

I think you should really focus in on doing things that will make you feel good about yourself. Excel in school, do some sort of volunteer work, keep yourself physically active, etc. These sorts of things help to boost ones self-esteem, and self-esteem attracts people.

[airborn86]

First of all, Im 19 and male. About Guys getting girls by being dicks to them is just generalizing. Zarathu, you are right until some extend, and probably that's the way things are in the USA. I live in Sweden but I am originally from Argentina which means I was tought the ways of being a gentleman ever since I was a little kid. This is a really big advantage for me here and one girl just loves me for that because she has never seen my charm in any other swedish guy. She repeatatly calls me "You ****ing Argentinian, I hate you" (in a good way) when ever we make out, because she can't resist my charm. I am not trying to show off here or anything, I am just being honest in being myself. Being nice helps and there are many ways of being nice, you just have to choose the right ways. There are lot's of girls out there who want to be with nice guys, they are just hard to find because they are usually the shy ones, and personally I don't give credit to girls who go out with criminals so hava nagila, if I were you, I wouldn't even look at them. Just be yourself and you will get credit for that, just the way I did, trust me. I wish you best of luck man. Let us know how it goes.

[Ellynn]

Yes, we like guys with confidence. Yes, when we are younger, we tend to mistake a person who is a jerk for someone with confidence.... But trust me..Not all women are the same.

You will find that some women like to help others.. They thrive on it....and it boosts their self-esteem. Just don't rule out a girl just becuz her looks aren't like a supermodel or if shes a little overweight. Trust me....I've been there. It was funny...cuz when I was in high school...I was barely given the time of the day....becuz I was overweight. The guys seemed shallow...and only wanted the skinny cheerleader types. But, as I got older....lost some weight......It was kinda funny how things turned around. Then suddenly I attracted all sorts....but I found a majority of them were losers....(as in jerks).

I did date a guy with ADHD and epilepsy.....and Ive given more then a fair chance to the seemingly sweet guys.... But what I found is they were so caught up with "fitting in" or "being cool and normal" that they ended ruining things by being complete jerks.. And where did it get them? Single ....pretty much whining that they can't get a girl..etc.

SO my advice to you......is to be yourself. But it does help to have confidence. But if you get a chance....with someone.....don't blow it becuz you are so concerned with fitting in. If you are emotional and want support from time to time....then you should have it. But also reciprocating is a good thing too.

Don't give up though.... Don't assume that no one wants you. Usually when you least expect it....someone will come along.

I'm 24 and single now....and honestly...to me its not a big deal. I just don't settle. I've had some experience....and when someone comes along that feels right...then maybe I'll go for it. But IM not letting society tell me whats good or bad or right or wrong. I'm doing what IM most comfortable with....and thats just being me.

Good luck to you though....

[hava nagila]

You will find that some women like to help others.. They thrive on it....and it boosts their self-esteem. Just don't rule out a girl just becuz her looks aren't like a supermodel or if shes a little overweight.

Oh, don't worry about that with me. I find girls with a few extra pounds to be just as hot as the so-called "thin swimsuit models". In fact sometimes more so.

I did date a guy with ADHD and epilepsy.....and Ive given more then a fair chance to the seemingly sweet guys.... But what I found is they were so caught up with "fitting in" or "being cool and normal" that they ended ruining things by being complete jerks.. And where did it get them? Single ....pretty much whining that they can't get a girl..etc.

The problem with Asperger Syndrome is that if you act yourself, you're screwed, and if you try to fit in, you're screwed. Someone like myself who acts myself makes a fool of myself, and people don't forget. I know that all too well from years past in school. I have to act "normal" in order to avoid being ostracized.

SO my advice to you......is to be yourself. But it does help to have confidence. But if you get a chance....with someone.....don't blow it becuz you are so concerned with fitting in. If you are emotional and want support from time to time....then you should have it. But also reciprocating is a good thing too.

The good thing is that I am making more of an effort now to actually be a friend to people, rather than expecting them to be my friend. That should help in the long term. It turns out that a girl I recently met at work is a recent immigrant to the area and has been having a hard time making any friends, but she's a very nice person and eventhough we've only known each other for a couple weeks but already she's growing an attachment to me because I'm providing her emotional support, which she seems to really need. I talked to her on the phone for the first time today, and she's really opening up to me. We went on for almost half an hour, even though it felt like a lot less (it was actually me that cut it at that time because I had other things I had to do, which wasn't a lie). There's already been some physical contact too - one night after work when she was upset, I put my arms around her and she had her head on my shoulder, then I held her hand. I'm providing myself as a friend to her, especially since she doesn't really have any, so we'll see what happens. If she likes me enough she'll come to me.

[Gigabitch]

I'm providing myself as a friend to her, especially since she doesn't really have any, so we'll see what happens. If she likes me enough she'll come to me.

Yeah, just like they always do, right?

No. No, no, no. Get out of the friend zone now, before you get stuck there forever.

Kiss her. Don't be an idiot.