Vicious Cycle

[anakin8823]

No need to give my age on here, but lets just say that I am extremely inexperienced with dating for my age. In fact, I've been on a few dates, but I've never "dated" someone. The problem is, because I have so little experience, I have an extremely low self-confidance level. And because of that low confidance level, I am constantly doing things which prevent any progress (i.e. being paranoid that I'm doing the wrong thing, so changing my mind only to find that it WAS the right thing afterwards). So: Low Experience = Low Confidance; Low Confidance = Harder to gain experience.... it's a vicious cycle, and I NEED OUT!!!! HELP!!!!

[vashti]

Well, it might have been helpful to know how old you are so we can determine whther the problem really IS big, or if you are making it bigger than it is. Oh well.

Generally, if you want to correct this sort of problem, you are simply going to have to decide that you will not be ruled by your insecurities. Obviously, you will FEEL insecure, and until now, you have chosen to let this insecurity dictate your behavior. That must stop!!

Prepare yourself for hearing no (dating is a numbers game - ask enough girls, and one will say yes).

[Ellynn]

You need to like yourself....at least somewhat. Question is....Do you? You also need some more confidence. I mean.....would you like to be around someone who is constantly putting themselves down? (sure at first you might want to help them....but after awhile it gets old!) Until you are happy with yourself at least somewhat.....your not really gonna be good at making others happy. At least not the way you want to. So no matter what age you are.....this advice applies. YOu need to break the cycle. Do something for you. Do something that makes you happy. Enjoy life...cuz we only go around once. And eventually ...Im sure someone will see something in you.....that they think is amazing. But how can they if you don't have the confidence to let your true self show?

[Chlorine]

Ellynn------That's very good advise!!

[King Zarathu]

your not really gonna be good at making others happy. At least not the way you want to.

Why would he want to make other people happy? He should want to make himself happy. Take care of yourself, THEN take care of others.

[xwfuro]

break the cycle simple as that, might be hard the first time but after that it will become easier and easier , just like most big obstacles in life (first kiss , losing virginity, starting a new job. )

[XPixiedustX]

Are a lot of your friends women? If they are not, then you need to start making friends! What you need to do is get comfortable with women, so if your not ready to date, or not confident enough to date, then start with friendship...it will be less intimidating. Then ease yourself into dating as you get more comfortable with them.

[Ellynn]

Why would he want to make other people happy? He should want to make himself happy. Take care of yourself, THEN take care of others.

Haha.......ok..lemme clear it up.

..He won't make any Woman happy....unless hes happy with himself. And in order for this to happen......he has to do stuff that makes him happy for himself.. ITs a vicious cycle....what can I say?

[anakin8823]

As to having women as friends... a majority of my friends are in fact female... it seems different with dating though... the one relationship that I almost got into was completely ruined because I was good friends with her first.

[Mish]

You need to like yourself....at least somewhat. Question is....Do you? You also need some more confidence. I mean.....would you like to be around someone who is constantly putting themselves down? (sure at first you might want to help them....but after awhile it gets old!) Until you are happy with yourself at least somewhat.....your not really gonna be good at making others happy. At least not the way you want to. So no matter what age you are.....this advice applies. YOu need to break the cycle. Do something for you. Do something that makes you happy. Enjoy life...cuz we only go around once. And eventually ...Im sure someone will see something in you.....that they think is amazing. But how can they if you don't have the confidence to let your true self show?

I agree with this post. You don't require Dating experience to have confidance in yourself. Confidance in yourself comes from many different places, most importantly is as Ellynn Mentioned to like yourself and have a purpose that you can be proud of. Confidance will come wil self content and achievement of your goals.

[jay12]

Ahh the sound advice of the board, i cant fault any of it.
I especially agree with the whole make more friends especially female ones in order to then get more confidence around women. It really helped me a few years back . . but if you already have female friends make an effort to make more friends male and female - be more outgoing you obviously want to be!! Talk to your female friends about your problems maybe.

Above all, i hope one day you will truly realise (and this cant come from someone telling you) that there are no right or wrong ways to behave when it comes to dating (within the confines of decency...you know what i mean) and just do what you feel and have fun.

[Somebody_Else]

Well, since you didn't want to give your age, I'm going to assume that you are young. Teenager I'm guessing.. So here's what I think..

You're young, and experiencing a very typical self-confidence problem that almost all teenagers go through.. It's nothing to worry about, and with age, trial and error, and socializing, you'll gain confidence. Just set yourself some easy goals, and achieve them. Don't set yourself up for failure. Don't try to date the hottest chick at school. Start simple, and work your way up. Confidence comes from achieving set goals. Start off with something you KNOW you can achieve if you really want to. And once you achieve that goal, you will find that taking on something a little more difficult, will be a much easier task. If you've never kissed a girl, then set a goal to kiss a girl.. Not a popular girl, or a really hot one.. Just any girl will do.. Of course, you aren't going to brag to your friends about it, but it will boost your confidence. Simply because you will no longer be a complete "noob" to kissing... You'll have a much better idea of what's involved, and will be ready to take on something more challenging.. A better looking girl, more popular, whatever.. Just don't put on shoes that are too big for you.. Take steps that you know you can make..
Also, just remember, your not the only one with this self confidence problem.. Just about everyone that you know around your age is dealing with the same thing. When you look at your friends, you most likely won't see any signs that they are dealing with the same problem as you. They probably seem OVER confident if anything... But, stop and think for a second. When you are around your friends, or people your age, do you let them see any signs of your low self-confidence level? Of course not.. You hide it.. You pretend that you are confident. And your friends do the same thing. The more confident your buddies appear to be, the more likely it is that they are even less confident in themselves than you are with yourself.

I'm only 24.. My teenage years weren't that long ago..

And by the way, even if you're older, or younger than I assumed, the basics of my responce remain the same. Set goals you know you can achieve, and follow through.. Confidence will follow success, no matter how small the task may seem.

[Gigabitch]

You could try dating someone younger. Maybe you'd be a good match with someone who is also less experienced with romance.

Give yourself credit for the things you do have experience with. I'm assuming you're in your early 20's. I'm also assuming you didn't live your life under a rock. This means you might have something to offer, even if it isn't expert kissing technique.