A definate pickle (Long)

[misombra]

ah sorry dutchboy.

[DutchBoY]

Well, the alcohol daze is wearing off. And I decided to give it one last shot. Perhaps not so much of a shot, as to make her think through what has transpired the last couple of weeks. So I've just sent her this. Perhaps it's more something of me trying to find some closure, and I might be making an utter fool of myself, but I don't care anymore.

Hi ......

I've tried piecing together what you've said last night about the last few weeks, and to be honest I don't believe a thing about your motivation. As far as I know you've never skimped on telling me where you stand, as you've repeatedly made that clear to me. That was about the only certainty I had, the only thing I knew for fact. And yesterday you tell me that the things you've said last week might be misinterpreted by me? And you need a week to understand your own words? Sounds like you yourself don't know where you're coming from.
And then the puzzle fell into place about why you, as you said, were struggling with yourself. Here's my version: I think the real reason is you did start to develop feelings for me, and it scared you, or you're not ready to act on them or whatever. The argument that you were being considerate of my feelings is very sweet, and you being afraid it in the end might be only a physical thing sounds very convincing, but I don't think if that was the case that this would've lasted the time it has. This isn't healthy for me? Thank you, but I ain't no child, and I can think perfectly for myself. Now, after all is said and done, I see my errors in handling this situation, and I've done more than one thing wrong, but that doesn't change my feelings. Maybe that all I've written above is another one of my errors, but to be honest I find that hard to believe.
So what am I trying to accomplish with all this? I don't know. Maybe it's to make you think this whole thing over again, maybe it's just a way for me to vent some frustration. Maybe I'm misinterpreting all your words again as I've apparently done in the past, but I know one thing for sure: Monday might not have been a lot, but it did feel right.


Love

Me



So there it is. I've just sent her that, and to be honest I know it ain't gonna change anything, but I needed it off my chest. **** this shit.

[DutchBoY]

hahahha this is just fabulous. You said I should make a stand right, Tone? Well, she just mentioned reading it, and remarked that she doesn't know what to say about it......after which she went offline.....been awfully quiet since then. Either means it definately made her think, or she thinks I'm an ass for telling her what I think about the whole situation. Either way I don't seem to care anymore.....it's like a knob has been turned and I can think straight again or smth......perhaps the pain will kick in with some delay, but for now I'm relishing the clarity to do some studying for a test tomorrow which I'll probably fail miserably hahaha. I'll keep ya'll updated.

[clynn]

I'm sorry to say, but she sounds really self centred.

It wasn't very nice of her to share that night with you and then flake out on you so soon afterwards.

Good luck on your test and don't plan to fail!

[DutchBoY]

Well, perhaps emotionally she is, but that's her right. She's always been upfront with me what it was about for her, and that's the fact she's turned on by me, thinks sex is a go but isn't emotionally attached, which I am. So I don't blame her for anything, I knew full well what I was getting myself into, with in the back of my mind the distant hope I could make her get in the right direction emotionally. Guess my masterplan didn't really work out, as she now feels it's best not seeing each other for a while in person (still have a lot of contact on msn though.....so the friendship isn't really ruined or anything I guess). The funny part is I'm not really beaten up by it. Sure I want to see her again soon, but I was expecting a whole lot of hell after what she told me saturday, but till now it's been a breeze coping with it. Makes me wonder what I was falling in love with. Her or the possibility of having sex with her. Guess a bit of both. A bit confusing.

[Gigabitch]

The funny part is I'm not really beaten up by it. Sure I want to see her again soon, but I was expecting a whole lot of hell after what she told me saturday, but till now it's been a breeze coping with it. Makes me wonder what I was falling in love with. Her or the possibility of having sex with her. Guess a bit of both. A bit confusing.

What the hell- either Mr. Sensitive has been subverted by Mr. Cavalier, or you're full of crap. Your post carries a tone of hysterical bravado. Feels like if I were actually hearing your voice saying these things, I would know that you're in a bad way.

I just don't believe that you suddenly don't care. Since when are you so good at coping?

If you were in love with the idea of having sex with her, I think you could have done that already.

What's the deal? Self-protection, or are you really all better?

[DutchBoY]

the thing is, she's still on my mind constantly, but her rejection hasn't made the impact I thought it would have. It's not that I don't care, offcourse I care. Better yet I find it a damned shame this didn't go where I hoped it would go. But at the same time there's a feeling of finality mixed with it. Don't really know how to explain. Perhaps it's a form of denial. Sort of thinking things might work out once some time has passed and we'll see each other again.

One thing you have to understand is that last month has been hell for me. The not knowing what the hell I was actually doing, hoping, trying, getting somewhere just to be told off again. Her saying outright this isn't going to be what I hoped for, kind of has turned a page for me, and I don't know what will be written on the blank page which has turned up. Like you said, maybe these feelings are a form of self-protection and my life will turn into a sewer once it really hits home.

So no, I'm not being Mr. Cavelier all of a sudden, it's just that I'm astonished with a sense of relief that the aftermath hasn't been as hard as I feared it would be.

[Gigabitch]

I'm not being Mr. Cavelier all of a sudden, it's just that I'm astonished with a sense of relief that the aftermath hasn't been as hard as I feared it would be.

Maybe you drank yourself numb. (Be careful with that).

I'm sorry it all went south. Maybe next time...

[DutchBoY]

hahaha, nah I ain't a raging alcoholic.....just grabbed for the bottle the moment I felt the rejection coming. But haven't had a drink since saturday night, and I'm not inclined to. I know altering your state of mind with substances that numb the pain isn't the way to deal with life.....I've seen plenty of life to know how to cope with stuff (more or less)

Yeah, so am I. We'll see what crap life throws at me next

[Tone]

Sucks DutchY - but she does sound pretty selfish.

I feel she kind of took advantage of you being such a nice guy... I dunno.

I'd try to move on if I were you... find someone who's not gonna put you through all this bullshit.

[DutchBoY]

hehe, you're about the third to tell me she sounds selfish......funny how I'm not seeing it.....must be blinded.

I agree, seems time to move on. I'm having a rather busy couple of weeks coming up (finals started today, totally messed up Financial Accounting, so I had a blast). Tomorrow going to Germany for CeBit, which should be interesting. And I'm still trying to decide whether joining the army is the right way to go, so enough to keep my mind occupied. Concerning my lovelife: it seems about time to start playing the field a bit. Got some options.....too bad I'm not a player.

[Gigabitch]

Tomorrow going to Germany for CeBit, which should be interesting.

What's a CeBit?

And I'm still trying to decide whether joining the army is the right way to go, so enough to keep my mind occupied.

Easy in, not so easy out.

[alice]

cebit is europe's biggest yearly computer and communication technology exhibition.
>>> [url]http://www.cebit.de/homepage_e?x=1[/url]

[Gigabitch]

cebit is europe's biggest yearly computer and communication technology exhibition.
>>> [url]http://www.cebit.de/homepage_e?x=1[/url]

Oooh! Dorksville. I'd fit right in.

[DutchBoY]

just came back from CeBit and had a blast. Doing business with some of our suppliers for about two hours, after which it was drinking and dining and some more drinking on their dime . Love these lil conventions. Only 8 hours of driving (to Hannover and back) has me a bit tired. I'm awake for about 26 hours now, so guess it's time to get some sleep.