Do you tell someone you've fallen out of Love with them ?

[electric_sheep]

I read an interesting article the other day about love and "being in love".

Often times people condemn that crazy, obsessive infatuation that people feel at the start of a relationship, warning that that is not "love". Well, turns out they are right, that sort of infatuation may not be "love", but those people are "in love". Researchers have performed tests and brain scans on people that claim to be "in love" in a relationship of one year or less. It turns out that people who are "in love" exhibit brain patterns near identical with those that suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The "real" love that the detractors of this "in love" feeling are talking about can only develop much later, and is a slow process. They attribute it to a chemical called oxytonin.

Anyway ... has anyone ever been "in love" when a major crisis comes up, and the relationship hits some really choppy waters ? For the first time you see your SO as human, and start noticing flaws you sort of ignored before. Suddenly that "high" and intense "in love" feeling seems gone. You no longer feel that amazing sense of comfort and warmth just from thinking about your significant other anymore.

I'm curious of 2 things:
1) Can that feeling come back eventually ? Or will it always be different ?

2) Can anything constructive come out of telling them that you have lost that "high" ? I mean, there is an evil vindictive side of me that wants to tell them, just so they know how much they hurt me. I want them to know what they have taken from me. Then there is the side of me that believes in honesty, and it seems like if your feelings have shifted a bit, you should be honest about it. My intuition tells me that nothing good can come out of sharing this with your SO though. Particularly since for all I know I'll be "in love" again in a few weeks.

It seems like maybe I should just enjoy the sex right now and wait and see if that crazy feeling comes back. There is still definitely a spark.

The "crisis" that occured had to do with trust issues. My SO admits to having a problem lying about things. I couldn't ignore it anymore when she finally lied about something I consider important. This was a little over a week ago. I occationally feel a tingle of that "in love" feeling, but it doesn't feel the same. Am I just being drammatic ?

[Tone]

Communication and honesty are probably two of the biggest factors in maintaining a successful relationship... so what do you think you should do?

[Pears]

Talk to her about your feelings. You don't like liars, so don't be one yourself. About telling her that you're losing the "high", if you really think you'll get it back in a few weeks, then you can say so. Tell her that you are at a low point and it will take some time before you are back. That way she knows what is going on with you and she won't expect you to be all lovey dovey and be disappointed. As long as you tell her you will be back, it will give her something to look forward to.

[clynn]

I think you talk about how your feelings are perhaps changing into something different. Perhaps you mgiht now want to tone things down a bit while you reflect on the relationship.

I think it isn't uncommon to reach a point where you have uncertainties about the relationship, particularly when teh glow fades. You go, huh, what? You mean it is just like ordinary life? But maybe you still WANT it.....it is just you don't have to want it with all the same urgency you wanted it before.

[electric_sheep]

Yeah. I guess I should be open with her.

I believe in being honest, but I believe honesty should be balanced when it comes to other peoples feelings. Ultimately though, if the feeling doesn't come back, I suppose I should tell her.

Of course, even if it doesn't return with the same vigor, that doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. I just want so badly to feel that "high" again.

I think I resent the fact that I was so suddenly dragged down to Earth. If it had happened slowely that would be one thing. I wish I could roll back time to just 2 weeks ago.

[clynn]

Probably it is temporary. And don't put it all on her or make it all about her. maybe you've been busy at work? Or cranky about other things? Or it is a matter of your own insecurities that you're putting on her? Inadvertently and you're not aware?

And maybe you're run down, not eating well, tired. Just need some personal space to do your own things?

Give it some thought.

[Gigabitch]

In my experience, the spark doesn't come back. You can huddle over that relationship all you want with your incindiary device of choice, ain't gonna happen, and for good reason.

I think once trust is messed with, your brain won't let you feel that crazy love, because it isn't good for you. You're protecting yourself.

Some people say that they can move on to a different level of togetherness if they weather some bad times, but I think those people are more interested in being in a relationship that lasts rather than being in a relationship that works.

[lovesjoyajm]

I know this is different, but I really, really liked a guy... we'll say I was infatuated with him. Someone I talked to on a daily basis, not just a distant crush. I would think of his face and just be taken aback by how gorgeous he was, or crack up just thinking about one of his hilarious jokes. One day he brought me back to earth by just being unusually cocky and well, *******-ish when I was with him, and for the new few days I was pretty sure I had just "fallen out of love (infatuation)" with him. I would think about him and think to myself "how could I ever have liked HIM?" and "I can't believe he was acting like that!" Never fear though, three or four days later (the next time I saw him) I acted cold and disinterested at first, but after being around him for a little while, realized that the crush was back. Completely.

So hopefully you have a similar... only more genuinely love-based experience

[clynn]

I think once trust is messed with, your brain won't let you feel that crazy love, because it isn't good for you. You're protecting yourself.

Has trust been messed with? Is there a trust issue?

[vashti]

In my experience, the spark doesn't come back. You can huddle over that relationship all you want with your incindiary device of choice, ain't gonna happen, and for good reason..

I agree with your original thought that it won't come back, but not your reasoning behind why it won't come back. It is very normal - even in the healthiest of relationships - that these feelings disappear, and it is part of the normal course a mature relationship goes through.

Lots of people become "addicted" to the high that new love brings, and they are the ones that can't maintain a long-term relationship because they move on when those intense feelings are gone.

This is not to say that this is the "right" girl for you, since you stated you have other issues regarding trust, but I would be careful about being too honest about your change in intensity of feelings unless you don't mind it causing a split in your relationship. In other words, first do no harm. If you decide she is not the right one, then it is time to tell her, in my opinion.

[Mish]

I think once trust is messed with, your brain won't let you feel that crazy love, because it isn't good for you. You're protecting yourself.

I don't know where to start to show how much I agree with this sentence. Trust issues are paramount to a successful relationship downward slope. You either have to free yourself from all doubt about her (Which will be very hard to do, because your mistrust of her will be amplified each time she lies to you again in the future), or openly discuss with her this issue and see what will be the best things to do that will work for the two of you.