A definate pickle (Long)

[DutchBoY]

Well, I'm rather new here, and after having browsed the site for some time I came to the conclusion there are a lot among you in the know about relationships, so I turn to you and your infinite wisdom.

I'll try to keep it as short as possible, explain the problem and explain why I turn to utter strangers. Any misspelling or grammatical errors are unintentional and I apologise beforehand. Here's the deal:

My best friend's (female) neighbour moved out about a year ago, and they were pretty close (non-sexual that is afaik). I met her a couple of times in the year she lived next to my best friend, and though she's pretty cute, she didn't blast me away or anything, and we had a rather casual contact which mostly revolved around having a drink and having fun. We never were alone, always with mutual friends around, so no intimacies were exchanged during that period and I don't think there was any inclination from either side to do so. Besides that, during that time physically I was a whole other person, and I've lost 30kg (roughly 60 pounds) since then and have a pretty appealing figure now (not trying to sound like a smug bastard ).

Anyways, she moved out about a year ago, but she and my best friend stayed rather close. So last New Year she was over at my friends' place to celebrate along with a lot of other friends, and they started rather early. I only joined after midnight, and upon entering she was pretty much all over me (though at the time she sort of had a relationship). Gladly I wasn't hammered yet, so I held off the boat, and had a good time without breaking any rules and being a gentleman. But therein lies the problem. Talking with her for over 5 hours, she sitting on my lap and being rather intimate, didn't leave me untouched. So the next morning I decided to take a chance and ask when I was gonna see her new crib, on which she said to give her a call and we'd settle a date. Three days before I went over there a little bird informed me that the thing she had going on with another guy died, so the field pretty much was clear. Well, to be short, we had a blast, and I picked up some serious signals that she was ready for something. Due to college the next morning, I couldn't stay over (she lives two and a half hours away from my home) but I'd take her out to dinner the next weekend and I would stay over then.

Well, dinner was yesterday, and I stayed over. I won't go into details, but we had a fine evening, and she left me enough opportunities to get it on so to speak (or I've been sorely misinterpreting her, which would make me an utter fool, but I don't think that's the case). I didn't do it. I bailed. I chickened out. The thing is, I'm a pretty closed person, I'm not one to trust someone with who I am. I've had a pretty ****ed up year, and lost the only person I could trust unconditionally to cancer, so I've been rather uptight with my feelings since then. And there-in lies the problem. I'm realising I'm starting to fall in love with this woman, and I might want to make a go of it. But I know her and I know about her, and she's rather easy-going, and I don't really think she's in the market for a long term relationship or anything like that. And that's the thing I'm really after. I don't really care about a night of sex only to be blown off after that.

To complicate things more, in a subtle way she made clear that me not taking the bait last night for her was sort of convenient, as she might have regretted it (her wording was so that it was hard to figure out exactly what she meant, perhaps what she said was just to save face for giving the opportunity to get intimate and me not taking it.)

So, what should I do. She's been on my mind all day, and I can't figure out which way to take; either to bottle up the feeling of falling in love and try to let it simper away, or just make a go of it knowing she probably isn't really up for a serious commitment. I'm asking you guys cause if I would ask my best friend, I give it a fifty-fifty chance of her knowing the next day, and I simply can't put myself in such a vulnerable position. Any thoughts?

[Hugo Pickle]

My thought is that I really want some hot wings right now. hmmm, I wonder how long it will take to grow my hair longer? Those are my thoughts

Sorry man just a joke I’ll post more later about your pondering symposium into the abyss of relationships

[DutchBoY]

Constructive, thank you! (no pun intended) I could do with some chicken wings as well now that you mention it, so pass me a bucket.

[Pears]

From what I've read, I'm thinking that you only want to be intimate with someone you want to commit to. Before you get too physical with her, get to know her better in a relationship point of view. I know that you've been best friends with her so you already know her quite a bit, but get to know how she may be as a significant other. Talk to her more and then decide.

You said you recently lost a significant other. How long has it been since then? Think about whether or not you are ready to let someone new into your heart. If it was very recent and you are still thinking about the one you lost, perhaps you need a little more time to recuperate. In the meantime, there is nothing wrong with getting to know the new woman better.

[clynn]

You may be surprised to find out that even though she seems like an easy going fun loving girl...she may too be interested in getting to know you better.

Good luck with it!

[DutchBoY]

thank you for your reply Pears, though I feel like I need to clarify a couple of things. First, the one I lost was my father, not a girlfriend, which was back in May. The statement of me being a rather closed person doesn't just apply to my lovelife, but to my life in general. My father was about the only one who's ever seen the other side of me when I'm not playing the roles society pushes me in (or well, I'm letting society push me into roles cause it makes it easier to keep up my walls without anyone getting too close, but that's a whole other discussion) So it's not about letting someone new into my heart, but more like finally letting someone in my heart that I feel comfortable with on a basis of a relationship and not family-bond. And I pretty much feel comfortable with her. The problem lies on her end. In what she says and does, I don't feel a confirmation of her looking for anything longterm. I pretty much know all i need to know about her lovelife, and like me she's not one to easily commit to something long-term as far as I can tell. So my problem lies in, do I go for it regardless of the things I know, or do I try to quench the flame while it's still fresh?

[Pears]

So it's not about letting someone new into my heart, but more like finally letting someone in my heart that I feel comfortable with on a basis of a relationship and not family-bond. And I pretty much feel comfortable with her. The problem lies on her end. In what she says and does, I don't feel a confirmation of her looking for anything longterm. I pretty much know all i need to know about her lovelife, and like me she's not one to easily commit to something long-term as far as I can tell. So my problem lies in, do I go for it regardless of the things I know, or do I try to quench the flame while it's still fresh?

It is hard to find one relationship and make it long-term. Couples get into relationships because they feel they are right for each other at the moment, but as time passes, they may find out that their relationship does not work. Personal characteristics changes over time during a relationship and what couples complemented each other with then may not be so later on.

Another thing is that you may not find the person who has the best characteristics to complement you in your first relationship. Many people get into many relationships and after each one, they learn more and more about what kind of person suits them best and who they get along with better.

If you really like her and see that you will have a good time being with her. You should try going for the relationship. As long as you have love for her and she has love for you, and the love is genuine, things should work out. If later on, you find that things don't work out, you still know you had a good experience. Take a chance, or a risk, if you prefer that, to be with someone who could potentially be a long-term partner.

[lovesjoyajm]

First of all, you have my deepest sympathy over losing your father. I can't even imagine losing a parent, especially at this point in my life.

I'd never be one to push jumping into a physical relationship, but I think especially in this case you need to be careful and make sure she wants the same kind of relationship you do BEFORE you get involved with her physically, because otherwise it seems like you will really get hurt. So get to know her even better, and try to talk to her about this seriously. Good luck!

[DutchBoY]

Thank you for your imput. I greatly appreciate it.

Well, I think I'm screwed anyways......she isn't replying to the text messages I sent, so I think I've ****ed up thoroughly friday night by not making a move. I've sent her two (one yesterday and one today).....I'll send her another one wednesday. If she doesn't reply to that either, I'll just lock up the feelings I have for her and see if I can neglect them.

[clynn]

If she doesn't respond to you...then she wasn't worth it to begin with, and you were right to not get it on with her

[DutchBoY]

If she doesn't respond to you...then she wasn't worth it to begin with, and you were right to not get it on with her

Yeah well, her not being worth it is pretty easy to say.....but damn she is.....seems like we're not on the same track though....I'll just keep my fingers crossed she'll respond. Will keep you posted!

[clynn]

That's fair enough. It is much easier for me to say it than for you to feel / believe it!

[DutchBoY]

I told her just now AAAARGGGHH!!!!! stupid......don't know really what she thinks.....but I'm already cursing myself that she knows.....she kinda pulled it out of me, as she noticed something was wrong with me......the fact that she said she didn't know what to say doesn't bode well for me right???

[Tone]

Not necessarily...

Didn't you say she just got out of a relationship? She might just not be ready to jump right back in - if that's the case I'd say just keep on taking things slowly and just goin with the flow. Keep on hanging out, flirting, etc until it seems she gives you the green light that she's ready to go to that next level.

Also, she could have taken it personal that you didn't sleep with her when you had the chance - so she could have said all that stuff to try to save-face, so to speak. I wouldn't read into it too deep - just keep on goin with the flow and see what happens.

And what do you mean you told her? You told her you had feelings for her? Well - since the cat's out the bag that means the ball is in her court - all you can do is see how she reacts now.

Good luck, DutchY.

[Lloyd95]

You remind me of Musical Youth's song:

I say: Pass the Dutchie on the left hand side
Pass the Dutchie on the left hand side
It a gonna burn, give me music make me jump and prance
It a go done, give me the music make me rock in the dance