this is like 8 billion questions in one..help?

[kristonita]

I'm utterly confused about so many things. As a bit of a background, I'm a 19 year old girl and I've been dating my also 19 year old boyfriend for about a year and a half. When we first started dating, I fell in love with him because he was kind and sensitive. I actually fell for the good boy, I guess.

This was in high school. Now we go to the same college (stupid me, I think I actually came here because of him instead of pursuing my own goals) and he has 3 obnoxious roomates. None of them have girlfriends (I wonder why) and they just sit around watching porn, playing video games and talking about how whipped my boyfriend is.

Lately, he has just developed this "I do what I want, I'm not giving into you" attitude that might be making him feel like he isn't whipped and is impressing his roomates, but all it is doing for me is showing me that he cares more about their feelings than mine. I feel like I might be a little controlling, but at the same time I don't think so because I am not the kind of girlfriend that doesn't want him to hang out with his friends or do things that interest him, I just ask him to be considerate of me and make me a priority if there is a reason I really really need him for something (no the usual).

For instance, if he is going out for the night, I'd like him to tell me so I can make plans instead of just ditching me. He has become such an integral part of my life and I love him so much that I just want so badly to make things right. I want him to be happy, I don't want him to think that I am a giant nag or a bother- I want a solution to this issue that will satisfy us both.

Also, because I promised 8 billion questions, I'd like to point out that my boyfriend has issues with me hanging out with other guys that he's leary of (almost everyone) but most of my friends are guys, so when I go out with people, he gets irritated. He thinks it's okay to pick my friends, and gets mad when I have problems with his.

I'm so confused about what to do with all of this stuff, could someone please help me? I'm usually so independent in relationships, but with this one... I guess I'm so head over heels that I'm just lost about what I actually want for myself.

[TAVS]

When was the last time you had a heart to heart talk with him about this? That means a civilized non-shouting conversation where feelings are shared and discussed with an open mind?

[kristonita]

When was the last time you had a heart to heart talk with him about this? That means a civilized non-shouting conversation where feelings are shared and discussed with an open mind?

well, first off, we never shout. other than lately, things usually have run smoothly. everytime i try to talk to him, he kind of shuts me out and acts like i'm really bothering him. then when I bring this up, he keeps saying that he loves me and we'll work through it and really does want to talk to me. but then, why does he act like i'm driving him nuts? maybe it's my perception. in any case, we are supposed to sit down and really talk tonight. i just feel like i'm dating someone who's maturity is way below my own.

[TAVS]

Do you set goals or come up with ideas how you'll "work through it" or do you just agree to "work through it" without actully coming to any conclusion? I always recommend telling him he's going to lose you if things dont improve. Sometimes fear of losing someone can help spur change.

[Tone]

i just feel like i'm dating someone who's maturity is way below my own.

There's a good chance you're right with this.

It does sound like he's letting his putting his image to his friends before your feelings. Like you said, you don't mind him hanging out with his friends, but he should let you know and not just blow you off, so you can plan accordingly.

And after that he has the nerve to try to tell you who to hang out with?

Yeah, I dunno if there's much you can do here. It's all on him and how he wants to handle this.

[kristonita]

oh, i really want there to be a solution! heh

[Tone]

Well sure there will be one. But I mean as far as what there is for you to do - is just lay it all on the table. Be straight forward with him, direct, and as honest as possible.

Then it's all on him.

[Tired]

i haven't read what anyone else said....but in the few lengthy successful relationships i've had i've been good friends with my girlfriends friends

if you wanna keep on with this boyfriend of yours your gonna have to become cool with his friends or it just won't work

from personal experience i would say that's the solution, if his friends like you then one of two things will happen.....they won't bug him no more, or they'll probably say the same pussy whooped type stuff while your around so it becomes more of a joking thing, and your bf will just find it funny then and not like he's being picked on or whatever he's feeling

with my friends, whether its coming from me or coming from them we always joke about whoevers dating being pussy whooped...it's just a guy thing

[kristonita]

I know it's a guy thing and I don't entirely mind.. I mind that my guy is gullible enough to let them sway his ways with me. Things have been awesome for a year and now his friends can change the way things are? That's not something I can handle in a guy- the inability to think for himself. I need to see a change. It probably doesn't help that I'm replying to this right after a big fight. AHHHHHHHHHH IM GOING FREAKING INSANE!

[toohot4pants]

ok...heres the plan...you kill his friends!!!! then make sure he doesn't make any new friends! problem solved...

you're welcome!

[alice]

sounds like he's not ready for a real commitment. might be, he feels too young for that right now, and his friends strengthen that feeling.
i don't think, there's a solution to this problem right now, you'll just have to let him go and find out by himself where his "i do what i want" attitude will get him. you're not gonna change this, if you try, he'll only get stubborn and show you, he'll have his way, whether you like it or not.
the best thing you can do, is show him, you've got a head of your own, too, and you'd rather be on your own than put up with a boyfriend acting like that.

[Tiay]

Be straight forward with him, direct, and as honest as possible.

Then it's all on him.

I very much agree with Tone.

Your requests and concerns don't seem unreasonable at all. I know it's hard to be direct and blunt and just say what you feel, but that's really what needs to be done. If he really loves you, he will realise how he's been doin' you wrong and will honestly try to change.

hm. So, you understand and let him hang out with his friends, and yet he doesn't want you to hang out with yours. Who knows, maybe his friends have him convinced that controlling you like this is cool, and that otherwise he risks loosing you to some other guy. Peer pressure like that is very hard to resist, and often men consider their male friends far more constant than the revolving door of girlfriends.

Having a honest, direct talk to sort it out whatever the result may be is ten thousand times better than building up secret resentment in the relationship which would lead to its eventual and slow death. Make sure you feel all your concerns are heard and understood, even if you have to say something three times.

Keep us posted + best wishes!
-tiay

[Star]

This sounds like pretty much what happened to me & my boyfriend. We went out in highschool and went to the same college. He started acting weird and acted like he didn't care about my feelings anymore because he was hanging out with his roommates all the time instead of hanging out with me. I think my boyfriend acted this way because he was in a new environment with new people. He was in college! He thought he had no rules, no commitments, it was like he was starting a new life. He had new friends that did things he's never done before... go to strip clubs, party every weekend, stay up all night & play video games & watch porn. You know... "guy stuff." When I would try to talk to him about it he was always like "Stop whining!" "For real, can't I just have fun and hang out with my friends?" "We'll hang out later, I'm busy right now" He just didn't understand. Anyway, we ended up breaking up (hopefully this won't happen in your case). & we decided since we were both new to this college life, we were gonna end our relationship & explore (have fun/party/meet new people). And we did. We ended up getting back together 4 months later & now everything is BETTER THAN EVER.

I suggest you be completely honest and direct with him & tell him how you feel. Tell him it's not going to work out if he keeps acting like this. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't, but it seems like he's just under alot of pressure from his new friends. Like Tired said, try being friends with them, maybe they're not so bad after all. If he doesn't understand or change, then I think you should take a break & let yourselves adjust to your new environment.

[calmsavagebeast]

"I do what I want, I'm not giving into you"

sounds like drugs to me... trust me i know... i did the same shyt to my ex..think about it

[kristonita]

wow, it's good to hear from someone who has been in the same boat. did you go to the college because of him, or was it coincidence? i made the mistake of actually going for him, which is why it seems like such a big deal to me.. i don't even like the college i am at. i'm trying to switch, and he said he'd switch too, which shows me that my feelings are paramount..i think. i really don't want to split up.. i just feel like we're in a rut!! i hope your advice helps me, i'll keep everyone posted.