Am I being too shallow/uncompromising?

[kikiboo]

Hey all, I'm new on this site (have a brief "intro" to myself in the welcome section). Anyway, I've been thinking about this issue for quite some time... Am I being too shallow or selfish or uncompromising?

I have a wonderful bf. Thing is, he smokes. And at first it was bearable (when we didn't live together), but now that I've moved in, it's really annoying me. My throat gets irritated sometimes, but i'm not sure if it's just the second-hand smoke thing. The other thing is, I used to smoke and since being with him I have started up again, but now I've mostly quit again. I tell him that if I ask for a cig, refuse me. And he does. Still, I'll have maybe one a week. I hate it and want to quit, but it's hard when he's smoking a pack a day.

We've talked about being together long term ... having kids. I said if I have children, I would want him to quit smoking. He says he will. But he's really not doing anything about it til then.

My dilemna: I really want him to quit smoking. I don't want to be around the bad habit. He's got other bad habits as well: bad eating habits (too much fat, sugar), and he doesn't exercise. I used to eat fairly well and exercise regularly, but since moving in with him I feel like I'm picking up some bad habits... eating poorly, smoking sometimes, not exercising much.

So, I have thought about really pressuring him to quit smoking and I would like if we would exercise more. But he says he'll do it after we move... or after this or after that. All excuses. Anyway, i've started wondering if I'm not better off alone? I mean, is it shallow and uncompromising of me to say I think we should break up because your bad habits are hazardous to my health?

In all other ways, he's like the perfect boyfriend. He's open, he's caring, he's sharing. He cooks for me, will do my laundry, will get tea ready for me if I come home later than he does from work. He tries to learn about my culture and wants to meet my family. i've met his family and they are the sweetest people in the world. But I find it really hard to keep living with all this smoking! my clothes smell like it, my hair. The towels in the bathroom smell like it after he's done smoking in there. I mean I've started spraying clothes and couches with Febreze so it wouldn't smell so bad! Plus, my family hates smoking and I'm kind of afraid for them to meet him in case they will judge him on that alone and not see the wonderful things about him.

Anyway, any advice? What should I do? If I ask him to really try to quit and he doesn't want to, am I a hypocrite or a shallow b*tch to say I'm dumping you?

I mean, it's not like I'm asking him to do something BAD for him or even against his personality (is it?) -- smoking is bad! I want him to be healthy. I want us to be healthy (and smell nice!).

Oh some background info to give context: we've been together for about just over a year. Lived together for about 6 months. We live in an apartment (highrise) so he can't just go outside to smoke. It's a loft, so there's not bedroom door I can close. It's all open. He says when we move, we'll get a place where he can just smoke outdoors. But I just want him to quit smoking completely because I really think it's bad for his (and my) health.

Thanks!

[Late_vamp]

i think you should approach it as a big problem for you . not give him slight hints , just talk to him and ask him to stop because its kind of ruining both of your lives .
i mean , your thinking of braking up because of smoking and bad habits ... tell him its killing the relationship and that you dont want to lose him , then make him throw out his pack of cigs in front of you . make him crush them ...

my ex did that and i ended up quitting for about 2 years ... the i did it again ( single ) then i found my GF ... then i quit . havent done it in about 3 months and not giving up .

[Junsui]

I don't think it's selfish at all. It's really hard to get someone to quit something when they aren't really ready to. I've been trying to get my bf to quit smoking too lol. He doesn't smoke inside though and is down to about 3 cigarettes a week. If you could get him to start working out with you, maybe he would be more inclined to quit smoking. At least make him not smoke anywhere around you because you don't want second hand smoke. If he cares about you, he should show you at least that much respect. Like LV said, let him know that it's ruining the relationship.

[mini696]

I think all of that is a big problem. If you leave him it will be a big wakeup call to him. Maybe you wont get back together, but at least he might change when his next GF complains about the exact same things.

I used to smoke pot. My ex-fiance said it bothered her, but was never on my back about it. After we broke up I realised that it was ONE of the reasons. So when my next GF asked me to quit, I did.

[sick-deano]

Yeah i agree with Late_vamp and junsui. It could be rough here and there because its an addiction at the end of the day , and a pretty harsh one at that.
I dont think your shallow but if he enjoys it whats wrong with that?i know the whole health issue but will he look at it like that?If the next girl i fall in love with smells of s**t, it wouldnt matter to me.
My ex asked me to give up smoking/pot, i gave up both for her,two years,no questions. There was the odd times i would get to doh and now after all that shes dating someone who does both. My verdict.. if your b/f really will not give up for you then he's not trying hard enough and if you really want him to give up and know he doesnt want too then remeber nobody's perfect.

[Rosebud]

I agree that if something bothers you, you should sit him down and talk about it. I don't think demanding him to quit or else you leave will have a very positive effect or end result. I do think he has to be sympathetic to your needs since your trying to quit as well..either he should not do it around you at all or he should quit with you. But I disagree you should use an ultimatum under any circumstances.

You ahve to approach this the right way to. I mean if you do use the ultimatum he may just say "ok bye".

[whaywardj]

I'd ask myself why I got involved with someone in the first place who had so many traits I objected to.

[gingerbabe86]

I'm totally on u'r side and i absolutely do not think u'r shallow/uncompromising. I have problems with smokers too cause u see my dad has ashma so i'm kinda influenced by him not getting close to anybody that smokes. Basically, smoking is just bad for his own health and u'rs, and we all know that. U should sit down and talk to him about this cause it's a serious problem and if he doesn't quit then u should take action. Like maybe leave him for a week until he makes up his mind to quit but it shouldn't be that hard for him to quit then u'r quitting to. I mean u guys are in this together. He should also really think of u'r future with him if u'r planning to have kids with him then 2nd hand smoking is really bad for the kids. Sit down and talk with him.

[kikiboo]

Thanks for all your replies! I did talk to him the day after I posted this actually. He says he will quit, but he has to do it slowly. He said since being with me I have actually gotten him down to 1 pack instead of 2 packs a day (i don't notice how many packs though because to me smoking is smoking), and since being with me I have gotten him to quit drinking Mountain Dew. He drinks diet soda now. I mean it's not THAT much healthier than before, but I guess it is some progress. He says he doesn't want to break up and that he is actually very happy to know someone cares about him so much that I watch over his health.

Whayward, I did ask myself that question. The smoking thing -- well since I was still smoking when I met him, it would have been hypocritical of me to say you stop, but let me quit on my own time. And the eating/exercise habits ... well I didn't really know what they were like until I had been with him for some time and had lived with him for a couple months. But I think of all things that you want someone to change, I think quitting bad habits isn't asking too much. But what I was attracted to was his intelligence, his personality, the way he treats me and his mother (respect!), his goofiness, his humor, his patience, his generosity and pretty much just everything else about him.

[Rosebud]

I'm glad he's agreeing to all this and actually going to try. I know if someone told me to stop drinking mountain dew and start drinking Diet I would tell them to F off. I hate diet pops not to mention I'm not that good when it comes down to people trying to tell me how to eat/what to eat etc... The only time I have ever done that was when I supposedly was gestational diabetic (barely over the line of not being diabetic but for precautionary reasons) and even then I didn't ahve to change all that much. So I'm glad he's willing...