Relationship off to a great start then she goes back to her ex-? WTF? (Long)

[RescueDiver]

All I can say is I wish I had found this forum a long time ago. Anyway I have a story to share with everyone... I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice so much as to vent. On the other hand maybe it'll help someone else avoid a similar mess.

Here's my story:
I met this gal Jen through match.com about two months ago. When we got to talking about dating Jen expressed some reservations about me because I'm a full-time firefighter. Anyway, I ask her if she thinks it best we just go our separate ways so that no one gets hurt she says that because she's really enjoyed our conversations that she'd like to remain friends and still talk. Two days later Jen is lamenting about a failed date she had just had (the guy had a problem with her religious beliefs). Then she brings up that her 32nd birthday is coming up in a few days (I'm younger by 5 months). She says that she's bummed because she has no-one to share her birthday with. I half-jokingly ask her if she'd like to go out for dinner the night of her birthday. She asks me if I'm serious and I tell her I am. She accepts and thanks me for being so sweet.

Well, Jen and I have a wonderful birthday dinner, go back to her home and watch a couple of movies. After that we talk until 4:30 PM the next day (crashing out for a couple of hours around 6AM). I can't think of another time that's happened to me. Jen too seemed pleased that we could talk "forever.”

The next day while Jen and I are talking about how much we enjoyed each other’s company she finds out about this car-related event at the end of the. She invites me along on it and I accept thinking "how cool is this! Someone that likes cars as much as me." That Friday she hosts a wine-tasting party. Unfortunately due to the short-notice I'm not able to get the day off of work. However, later on that weekend Jen invites me to go shopping with her at a local outlet mall. Well, we have a great time and end up having a very nice dinner as well. By the close of that date I'm beginning to think that Jen might be interested in being more than friends (reading body language and so forth). So, we have a discussion about my job and she reveals that she is getting more comfortable with it. So, I ask her if she would like to do something the next weekend. She says yes. That weekend she makes a wonderful dinner (I do the dishes), then we go off to the magic show and have a great time. Afterward we watch a movie and spend the night together cuddled up in each others arms (no sex, but we did share our first kiss).

That week we plan a mid-week dinner because both of us are busy the following weekend, so once again we go out and have a great time. Two weeks later we head out for the car-event and I end up spending most of the day holding her trying to keep her warm (she'd forgotten her jacket). Anyway, after that we go back to her house and watch another movie and chat. Around eleven she says that I need to go because she has to get up early to have breakfast with a friend and then deliver the wine from the wine-tasting party. I'm a little disappointed that I don't get to spend the night but I kiss her goodbye and depart.

The next day we plan a couple more dates. We plan a mid-week dinner date because we're both going to be busy the following weekend, and then we plan to for her to come out to my place in two weeks for a hockey game. By now I'm obviously developing feelings for Jen so I ask her if she's okay with us being more than friends. She says she likes where we're at, but stipulates that she's not looking for a commitment yet. Later on that week, in fact the morning of the dinner date Jen tells me she needs to cancel our dates. When I ask why, she says it's because she has some “crap” she needs to sort out. She asks me for time to get stuff figured out. I tell her that’s fine.

Well, I discuss what happened with a couple of my lady friends and they both ask me if there's another guy involved. I tell them that I don't think so, but I decide to confront Jen about it anyway. As it turns out there is an issue. Basically what happened is after I started showing an interest in her an ex-boyfriend and her ex-husband suddenly decide they want to get back together. Well, about a week goes by and Jen and I are still talking and having some really good conversations. Some conversations don't go so well because I obviously get inquisitive as to how her "process" is going. Well, during one such conversation she tells me that she as basically dealt with everyone but me and her ex-boyfriend "Brad" who works at the same company as she does. She says she doesn't know what to do about us because she likes me a lot obviously, but still has feelings (and a lot of time and emotion invested in Brad). She also mentions that she knows where Brad stands as far as religion, children, and so forth. She also is concerned about the distance between us. We discuss these things and find out we are on the same page with them.

Before I can continue my story I need to shed a little light on the back story between Jen and Brad. They dated after Jen became separated from her husband (but prior to the finalization of their divorce). Jen's divorce wasn't finalized until just prior to our third date which is why I didn't push things at first. Anyway, Jen admitted that she loved Brad very much. Brad as it turns out is taking some sort of medication (I don't know for what) that has some pretty nasty side-effects. The story goes on that his doctor supposedly told him (off the record) that Marijuana would ease the side-effects. So, Brad picked up a pot habit. Well, Jen being 32 and all is obviously looking to start a family and doesn't want to do that with someone who is into drugs. So, she tells Brad that he has a choice between the drugs and her. Much to her surprise he picks the drugs. So, even though she is shattered by this, she breaks up with him. They decide to remain friends however to keep things from getting weird at work. Here’s where things get sticky. Apparently at the wine-tasting party a lot of people were coming up to her and asking her (excitedly) how dinner went with the firefighter. Well, Brad (who was at this party) caught wind of some of these conversations. Anyway, the following Monday at work he goes ballistic… saying lots of really nasty things about her. I only know this because she called me that night and told me. I asked Jen if maybe Brad thought the two of them were getting back together at some point. She said "no" that they had rehashed this all before and she didn't know why after six months this was all coming up again. Well, what I didn't find out until just recently is that after Brad's blow-up, he came out and said that he was giving up the drugs and wanted another chance with her. Once I heard that (and heard that she had been very much in love with him) I didn't hold much hope for her picking me because I had been in this situation a few times before and every time the woman in question has gone back to her ex. Still I was already in this far and it was going to hurt either way so I decided to hold out for her decision.

Over the next week or so Jen and I continue to talk and I end up picking up a web cam so we can video-chat. Jen already had one so I had decided early on to get one. Anyway Jen was very excited about the webcam and we shared many long happy conversations. Actually it started to seem like I might actually have a chance of beating out her ex-boyfriend. Jen told me that she was really missing me and started talking about future plans once again. However, a few days later Jen e-mailed me and said that she had decided to try seeing Brad again. She said that it wasn't because of who I was, anything I did, or didn't do. That it was just that she already had so much invested emotionally that she needed to find out for herself what the deal was. Well, I e-mailed her back and told her that though I was upset, that I understood her decision. I told her that if things didn't work out between her and Brad that I thought we should give things another shot because there was obviously a connection between us. I asked her if she'd like to still be friends (because I wanted to keep the lines of communication open so I would hear if their relationship ended). She said she'd have to see. I imagine this Brad guy is pretty prone to jealousy and that's why she said that. After all look at how he reacted when she and I weren't anything more than friends and went out to dinner.

So, that's my story... obviously I'm hoping that things aren't going to work out between them but I'm trying not to hold my breath. Because I thought her relationship with Brad was ancient history I never really asked too much about it. So I don't know if they will last or not. Jen has said that there were other issues, but the drug thing was by far the biggest one. But I also know that love can blind you to an awful lot. In every case like this in the past that I've been involved with the relationship has not lasted. It's just been a case of how long. I tend to be a bit pessimistic about this stuff because I've never had much luck in relationships so I'm betting they'll probably make it work or that I'll end up being in a new relationship when they do break up.

I guess to make this a discussion instead of just a rant, does anyone see any way I could have avoided this, or headed her ex- off before he got a foothold. The only real thing that sent up a red flag was that she told me that Brad had come over recently (since our first date) to fix her furnace a couple of times. I had thought about saying something about that because I didn't like the sound of an ex-boyfriend over doing home repairs for her. However she and I really hadn’t reached the point to where I would be justified in making that complaint.

[Lloyd95]

Cliff note version?

[RescueDiver]

Cliff note version... for the lazy people...

I met a girl, we date for a month and have an absolutely fantastic time every time we're together and connect like few ever do. Her ex-boyfriend (who she broke up with 6-months ago because he did drugs even though she loved him) comes back looking for a second chance (and cleans up his act). This presents her with a huge dilemma (because she really likes me, but has a lot of emotion already invested in her ex) which occupies her for two weeks (during which we're still talking and connecting). At the end of two weeks she decides to go back to said ex.

[Junsui]

I don't think there is anything you could have done to end up with her over the ex. Since she still had feelings for him and I guess likes abusive guys, you didn't really stand a chance against him.

[Lloyd95]

Cliff note version... for the lazy people...

did you just call me lazy?

[TAVS]

HAHA

I dont see why it surprises you. Obviously she still loves this loser and despite your great start she hasn't fallen in love with you as quickly as you'd hoped. Deal with it and if she comes crawling back; tell her to take a hike.

[RescueDiver]

did you just call me lazy?

I dunno did I?

As an amusing side-note this Brad guy started instant messaging me last night... apparently he somehow doesn't realize that he won. Anyway this turned into a very amusing 3 hour "discussion". All I can say is that I have a new appreciation for the pressure she was under from him. The guy is the epitome of controlling, jealous, over-competitive, psycho/schizo. The conversation actually made me feel a little better about the whole thing because if that's the kind of guy she wants... woah... good luck with that. He's a real piece of work. Besides if this is the type of guy that she wants to spend the rest of her life with... she and I would never get along anyway. I might actually treat her right instead of emotionally abusing her. I guess the most ironic thing about it is that he expects everyone to butt out when he couldn't even do that himself. It was okay for him to meddle in a relationship where both people were perfectly happy but by golly don't anyone mess with his relationship because that's just wrong. Obviously he's exempt from his own decrees. Not that I'm going to meddle, I've already promised her I wouldn't and besides... I've been there before and it really wasn't worth it. So anyway, not over it, but I feel a little better about it at least for now.

Thought I should point out *why* he was bugging me. Apparently he imagined that I was still calling her or something. He said that I was still calling her and stuff like that and that she had blocked me on messenger so there should be no reason I should be trying to contact her (which I'm not). My last phone call was last Tuesday (before she had made her decision the next morning). She probably got an e-mail that I sent her likewise before any of this came down, but that was an e-card that was already sent and there was no way to retract it. However, she sent me a "thank you" e-card in response saying that I had vanished from her messenger contacts. So I sent her an offline message and she came on saying that she hadn't removed me (and obviously I didn't do anything). So, it looks like insane-o-boy got onto her computer recently and started deleting contacts. Guess I'm a bigger threat than I thought.

[misombra]

my friend has a perfect quote for situations like this, and now i'll pass it on to you...

**** her.

[Junsui]

lol Poor girl. Must have been abused when she was younger. Too bad she can't see how unhealthy this relationship will be.

[RescueDiver]

Yeah, I feel really bad for her... the more I find out, the less I think it's going to work out... but if she's stays blinded, she'll ride the relationship right into marriage again and right into the ground.

[ReneeA]

You're a smart guy and I don't think there's anything I could say that you don't know already. This girl clearly has serious relationship issues that would've more than likely spilled over into the relationship that you two tried to start-but- that never happened cause she's still in deep with those issues. Your best bet is to stay clear of the situation all together. Make a decision while you're still thinking clearly and not completely head over heels.