Is he cheating??

[rockell]

I had felt something was wrong then had caught my boyfriend online on an online dating site. I had known he had an online profile from before we had started dating and I was checking to see if he was visiting this site. He was. He never confessed to cheating and said he was there looking at "the articles and stuff". We broke up and after alot of mutual hard work and time built up a a relationship again.
Months later, I am at his house and alone with his computer when I nosily check his computer history. He had visited this site earlier in the week and I could see that he was looking at and bookmarking other women's profiles. Women who live in his nieghborhood. He did not send messages to any of these women.
I am unsure as to whether or not I have the stength to break up with him for "browsing".
Im tempted to bring up in a casual and non threatening way, a confession that I was spying and apologize to him, waiting to see how defensive or scared he gets about what I might have seen. Then gauge his reaction when he finds out what I saw.
I am also tempted to keep spying and see if I can find anything else. I really don't want to spy because I think at that point the relationship is pretty doomed. If you need proof it is already too late right?
Does any one have any opinions on how I should react to this??

So sad and dissapointed in him
Rockell

[shh!]

Whether he has already cheated or not, he is certainly thinking about it. Is there any real reason to tolerate this? I mean, do you have kids or something? (You are not allowed to use "love" as an excuse for tolerating this unless you are under 20.)

[jaslovesant]

I can symphasise with you. I completely understand your point of opinion. I've been with my boyfriend a year and 4 months and I just really understand what you're saying. With me it's different things, like he comes home from the pub wrecked and I feel paranoid, he has messages on his phone and sometimes it shows on his phone he phoned back. I'm a spy too, and it's not right but sometimes us girls just have to do it. Men are some weird ****ing creatures. They commit but theres obviously more men cheating than woman and thats what makes us woman feel paranoid. Especially my mum being cheated on 4 times in her lifetime - it's come on to me and I've influenced from her experiences - even though shes a decent, hard working, and very attractive woman for her age! I just don't understand men. They're like some kind of creatures from another planet. Always keep the spying low key, I'm not saying it's right, but I check through his phone alot, especially last night when he came to my door wrecked as anything handing me a packet of fags and looking very guilty - and having got a lift home from an older woman, I had to do it and found a whole range of messages that I didn't like - not cheating - it was only other woman but you know, we're paranoid because men are strange. The other day I read in a magazine, and discussed with all my friends, about woman spying - it's actually more common than you may think, if cosmopolitan are in your area/country, grab the latest issue, seriously!!!!!!!

[rockell]

I know this is bad but don't know if I have the strength to leave him based on this. I am hoping we can talk it out. Am I being stupid?
If I keep spying on him I am going to turn into such a paraniod wreck and propably just find more "almost, but not enough to leave him" stuff. I am so surprised by this, i thuoght things were going really well and now I'm stuck thinking about all of the pretty girls he was looking at.

[shh!]

I doubt very much he will change. He already knows you don't like it, and he continues to do it. Ultimately you will have to decide whether or not you are willing to tolerate it. Personally, I find life is too short to spend it being paranoid over a man. Demeaning, too. Why don't you consider getting yourself a good one? They are out there, you know.

Good luck.

[lilwing89]

I had felt something was wrong then had caught my boyfriend online on an online dating site. I had known he had an online profile from before we had started dating and I was checking to see if he was visiting this site. He was. He never confessed to cheating and said he was there looking at "the articles and stuff". We broke up and after alot of mutual hard work and time built up a a relationship again.
Months later, I am at his house and alone with his computer when I nosily check his computer history. He had visited this site earlier in the week and I could see that he was looking at and bookmarking other women's profiles. Women who live in his nieghborhood. He did not send messages to any of these women.
I am unsure as to whether or not I have the stength to break up with him for "browsing".
Im tempted to bring up in a casual and non threatening way, a confession that I was spying and apologize to him, waiting to see how defensive or scared he gets about what I might have seen. Then gauge his reaction when he finds out what I saw.
I am also tempted to keep spying and see if I can find anything else. I really don't want to spy because I think at that point the relationship is pretty doomed. If you need proof it is already too late right?
Does any one have any opinions on how I should react to this??

So sad and dissapointed in him
Rockell

this sounds like my mom and stepdad.

my mom gets on his hotmail and dating accounts every day to see if he messages anybody

[jaslovesant]

Don't leave him on that. I know it may hurt you. Try the walk-in-on-him while he's doing it technique, then you have no evidence you've been spying (although so many woman do it!!!!!!)

[lilwing89]

my mom did that once jaslovesant, and he still wouldnt admit to it.

[bluesummer]

I think the fact that he's even 'shopping around' is insult enough. If he was happy in the relationship, and really loved you, he wouldn't feel the need to look for other women. Most guys that occasionally give in to their desire to look at other women buy porn or Maxim or something.....they don't sort through profiles of local girls they could actually get in touch with if they desired to do so.

[whaywardj]

You said much of it yourself. If you're looking for evidence, it's already too late. Since you've already been over this same ground with him before, it doesn't seem as if he's getting what's wrong with what's he's doing. Or he doesn't care. Have another talk with him about just how committed he really is, if you want. But, if it were me, I'd start making my exit plans right about here. Burn me once. Shame on you. Burn me twice. Shame on me.

[Chuckinlove]

I would say just leave him but its not that easy. My girlfriend of 11months got drunk at a party slapped guys asses asked some to fish things out of her cleavage, rested her head on some guys lap and was tickeling him, rolling on the floor drunk and I danced inapproperiatly with some hot female friends of mine to get back at her, we fought and woked it out. Relationships take work, no one likes to put the effort anymore. We write people off to easily. Your relationship has some problems but don't they all. talk to him about his motives for his searching for these online gals.

[updraft]

All of you had great responses to this thread. But I have to agree most with Shh! and Bluesummer. I as well would find it demeaning to put up with a guy who "shops around". Being a very jealous individual, I had a talk with my bf last night and again asked him if we were "ok" and if I told him if I ever get a hint that he has strayed in any way, then we will be history. (He and I dont live together) So you see Rockell, you really have to issue an ultimatim with your guy and DO NOT PUT UP WITH HIS BEHAVIOR! Like Shh! said, life is short and do you really want to spend the rest of it spying on someone who is not even worthy of your time?