midlife crisis?

[crickle]

I could really use some feedback on this. Since I'm new here, I'll remind you I'm a 24 yr. old woman. So anyhoo, I have been seeing this guy that's 29 for just over a month now. Which I know is a short time, but I've dated enough to know that this relationship has great potential. But the last few days he has been "complaining" about his situation as if he's going through an early midlife crisis or something. He feels like he hasn't done much in his life and I just don't understand because he has a house on a few acres of land, a job that pays really well (although his work schedule can be quite stressful), lots of play toys like a boat and camper, and so I just don't know what all the fuss is about. My question is this...do I try to help him see that he's not doing so bad and what not, or is this something I need to let him figure out on his own? And if it's something I should help him through, how on earth do I go about doing that? I've tried to simply reassure him, and remind him that there are many people that don't have nearly what he has, but he isn't responding much to this.

[whaywardj]

Excuse me for snickering, but the idea of going through mid-life crisis at 29 is just ludricrous. But, be that as it may...

Evidently, all these things you point to as his accomplishments don't mean anything to him. They are, after all, just things. His fulfillments appear to lie entirely elsewhere. Or he's chronically incapable of appreciating his life (as in clinically depressed, maybe). Or, he feels he needs a mommy to round-out his life-style ensemble. Or virtually anything else as convoluted as any of that.

If you want to jump into that ball of string to help unravel it so he can be more like you'd expect after only a month of dating, by all means, have at it and good luck.

Personally, I'd keep it all at arm's length for a very much longer while. I'd be as kind and supportive and helpful as I could be without investing too much of myself in it until I learned more about how -- and how well or not -- he copes with his discontents. I'd be concerned that, if he's complaining about all the other, were I to become a significant feature of his life, he might also eventually get around to complaining about me for equally irrational reasons.

[mhussain]

you cant figure out his problems for him, but you can be there when he tries to figure them out. i dont know what mid life crises is, but he may be callnig some thing mid-life crises, or you could be calling some thing midlife crises which in fact may be some totally different problem .

offer him a shoulder ... whether cold or not, is your choice

Hussain

[shh!]

I agree with Hayward. The stuff he buys is just stuff. It can't give one any lasting sense of satisfaction. His problem is with the spirit and he probably needs to find something of real importance to invest himself in, rather than capitalism.

However, I don't know if is is chronically dissatisfied or if he is just going through a rough patch. After only one month, I would be careful.

Oh yeah - about the mid life crisis at 29

Ahahahahaahahahaha
Ahahahahahahahahahah
ahahahahahahaahahahaha

I don't think so. Maybe he just isn't trivial.

[Lloyd95]

Listen to Whayward, he has experience and I heard he has a very good memory.

[whaywardj]

In the immortal words of Independent: "Bite me, Lloyd."

[Lloyd95]

What's with all the hostility on this board lately? Lighten up, just playin here.

[shh!]

I'll play with you Lloyd. Anything is better than physiology homework. But I don't share my toys.

[Lloyd95]

I'll play with you Lloyd. But I don't share my toys.

Um....Im' not touching that.

[Tone]

HAY GUYS!


__________________

[whaywardj]

So, was I, Lloyd. So was I. Just because I don't snicker when I lob 'em over doesn't mean I take them seriously any more than I do yours. But I guess you'd have be smart to know that without my having to say it.

But, back to Crickle:

Yeah, Shh!. That's what I'd be apprehensive over. That this other thing of "real importance to invest himself in" might be me in ways I wouldn't want. Or might cause a huge problem were I to change, or NOT actually be as he might, at first, have imagined.

It's a little creepy, actually. To be materially well-off, relatively, but still griping about what you think you haven't done. So, go do them. You did the other. Why not that, too?

On the other hand, Crickle, it's also interesting that you seem think things should be some kind of measure of a man's self-worth. It isn't at all peculiar to me that someone with, let's say, much could feel he has so little. That you -- or, at least, your initial post -- seem to equate a multude of things with a largesse of satisfaction suggests much about your values.

If you do equate material acquistion with satisfaction, there's probably not much you can do the help the guy out, in any case. Your respective value systems would appear to be too radically different.

[Lloyd95]

So, was I, Lloyd. So was I. Just because I don't snicker when I lob 'em over doesn't mean I take them seriously any more than I do yours. But I guess you'd have be smart to know that without my having to say it.

If I wasn't so stupid, I'd think you just called me dumb.

[whaywardj]

LOL! Hehe. You're self-effacing quality is quite entertaining. And nice to see in a guy. Most of us take ourselves just TOO ****ing seriously.
_______________

[crickle]

Well guys, don't jump to conclusions about me yet! I am not materialistic whatsoever. And neither is he. I just happened to mention quickly a few things that happen to be material, but anyhoo, I will say I guess you're right about it being a mere month. I just had high hopes for this relationship but it eeks me a little to hear him belittle himself when he has things, including non-material things, like a very close knit family and such. And now that I've thought about things a little more, I'm wondering if this has anything to do with the fact that his younger sister is recently married and building a new house, etc. and well on her way to happily ever after, so it seems. Well, I think I will keep my distance somewhat until he can figure out his own issues. And if he can't, then I'll move on. Ugh. Which I'm tired of doing.

[whaywardj]

Know the feeling, Crickle.

Lookin' out at the road rushin' under my wheels
Lookin' back at the years gone by like so many summer fields
In '65 I was 17 and runnin' up one-to-one
I don't know where I'm runnin' now
I'm just runnin' on

(Runnin' ooowwwn....)
Runnin' own empty
(Runnin' ooowwwn....)
Runnin' blind
(Runnin' ooowwwn....)
Runnin' into the sun but I'm runnin' behind

Gotta do what you can just to keep yer love alive
Tryin' not to confuse it with what you do to survive...