Advice on easing up in distance relationship?

[dietrice]

My relationship has been going on for about 10 months now, and it's gotten increasingly rocky in the last few months. Basically, I think she is feeling smothered at this point. There have also been some other factors (she got on birth control pills and they turned her crazy and she's in the process of getting off of them), but overall I think the main problem is that the relationship is getting too cramped, especially for her. Anyway, it's long distance during the school year as well. Anyway, last weekend was sort of "the breaking point" (she was having the most major PMS style withdrawal symptoms then, so she got really annoyed with everything I did, and though she knows she was messed up and not herself the negative feelings about the relationship are persisting). I am not going to see her again until mid december, but I'm sort of wondering how to approach this. I definitely know that we need to ease off and establish more independence (we've talked like, 24/7 since starting dating, to make up for the fact that it's long distance), and that she feels somewhat smothered, but I'm not sure how best to go about fixing this problem.

I know I need to back off and make her realize again that I have a life indepedent of her, and I think I need to give her some privacy (we've sort of inadvertantly created a situation in which we both know 100% about the other's daily going ons just cause we talk so much). However, I'm not sure if I should just abruptly lessen the attention I give her on a daily basis, or if I should have a talk with her first and announce that I'm going to back off cause I think we need a bit more space, or if I should go all out and say I want to "have a break" and we'll see how things work out in my next visit. I am sort of wary of the third option cause she is unsure of whether she wants a break or not, and I don't really either, I would only be doing it to more rapidly establish independence. It seems like a gamble that could as easily cause hurt feelings and give the relationship far less of a chance of healing as it could give us confidence that we aren't codependent. AND of course something entirely unexpected might happen and someone might show up and ask she or I out in the next month and we'd be tempted to accept due to being single, and then I'd have just wasted 500 bucks on a plane ticket I can't use (I'm mostly kidding on this last point).

Any suggestions?

[bluesummer]

Independence is the most important. If you can't have a relationship while maintaining seperate lives, you shouldn't be in the relationship. If you spend more time apart and the relationship ends, that's the way it was meant to be.

[whaywardj]

Just tell the truth. You sense the tensions. You imagine some emotional distancing might help make things more positive and upbeat. You love her nonetheless and wish greatly to continue onward together with her. Ask her what she thinks would help you both find a new equilibrium.

Bluesummer has point, though. I wouldn't phrase it so absolutely as she, but it's true that a relationship means, largely, being there. In many different ways. Long-distance realtionships are very much more difficult to maintain than ones which aren't and require a greater degree of resolve on the part of both parties to succeed. Good luck.

[Junsui]

Wasn't there another thread like this that you made? Or is this a different question from the other one?

[dietrice]

Wasn't there another thread like this that you made? Or is this a different question from the other one?

This is different, that was about the birth control pills causing depression issue, and that was resolved when I brought it up to her and she agreed and quit them.

[mini696]

I agree with Hayward. Talk to her and ask what she feels. Dont expect an instant answer.

[Debunkt]

Uh, this all seems very backwards to me.

I'm in a long distance relationship, and I talk to my gf every single day. I can't imagine not, and neither can she. And what is this shit about smothering her? You don't even get to SEE each other much. Of course you should be talking to her all the time. And what the hell kind of BC makes a girl go crazy? That just sounds like an excuse to get pissed and annoyed to me. Obviously you're going to have a life outside of her, because she's not around. Unless you're calling her from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep, there really shouldn't be a big problem. Anyway, you just need to talk to her. Tell her that things are rocky and uncomfortable, and that you think she wants less attention. For two people who are apparently talking to each other all the time, you're certainly not talking about the right things if these problems are arising.

[Junsui]

Totally agree with you Debunkt. I have never heard anything about birth control causing PMS, but what do I know.

[mini696]

Birth control messes with your hormones, and wont "cause" PMS but it could very easially cause mood swings, low libido and other things like that.

[dietrice]

RE: birth control pill mental issues, [url]http://www.aphroditewomenshealth.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?/topic/7/75.html[/url]

It's REALLY common, I have known more girls than just my GF who have had to quit them because of turning into depressed wrecks or being really angry all the time, and they always got better soon after. It's not an excuse.

As for talking to her all the time, it's like of course we should (and will) talk every day and I'm not suggesting stopping that, but I mean it's gotten to the point where it was like 24/7 and we don't do anything else or any school work. We could back-off the relationship considerably and still talk 2 hours a day, at least. If we are talking 4-6 hours a day like we normally do we always know what the other's doing and there's not really much evidence of the other having any sort of interesting life outside of the other, it's like "hey she goes to class and talks to me what an exciting person!" I'm not complaining cause I know she's fully capable of having a social life, it's just sort of a subconscious thing...no one wants to be in a relationship where they're the only thing in the other person's life. I'm just trying to find out how to reduce this time and reestablish the fact that I have another life.

[Junsui]

I haven't known any girls to have that problem on birth control and I never had that problem either, but you said it's really common so it must be. Gives me an excuse to act crazy now! And has she changed birth control then? Or stopped it if she's been having those problems?

Why don't you two just break up for awhile? Isn't she the one who wasn't sure of having a future with you? I'm sorry if I'm off, I can't remember things well.

[dietrice]

I said she's in the process of getting off them, you have to wait until the end of the cycle to quit or else further problems happen.

[Junsui]

What kinds of problems happen?

Did she just start having problems with the pill? Or did she just start taking them a month ago?

[dietrice]

She started the pill six months ago, and in the those six months she's gotten increasingly temperamental with EVERYONE, not just me. The main problems have been rage (she gets absolutely FURIOUS like to the point of punching walls and hurting her hand really bad when she formerly didn't get very mad no matter what happened - note: she has never gotten furious like this at ME so it's most probably not my fault), annoyance (everything bugs her now about almost everything when she formerly was quite a happy person), and paranoia (she thinks everyone is out to get her and everything anyone says is an attack on her, this is a nice combination with the rage thing, someone will say HEY LEAVE ME ALONE I WANT TO DO SCHOOL WORK TONIGHT and she'll be like WHAT YOU THINK I'M A BAD STUDENT?! *PUNCHES WALLS, SCREAMS*). Loss of sex drive is slightly more minor, she just never masturbates anymore and obviously sex with me is generally not something she's wanted to do recently (but I don't blame THAT on loss of sex drive from the pill).

THAT PARTICULAR FORUM, just ONE forum on the entire internet, has THAT ONE THREAD (I pasted a link to it earlier) that has only been going on for about a year yet has literally hundreds of cases of people getting depressed, turning into hyper-angry paranoid wackos, losing all sex drive, and all sorts of other mental issues on the pill, and the bulk of people in that thread have quit the pill or switched to something else which caused their problems to go away, so it's not just a bunch of paranoid wackos, and judging by the fact that surely not anywhere close to all the women that have had birth control pill problems posted in that one thread on the internet, we can surmise it's pretty common.

I am angry at birth control pills obviously!

[Junsui]

Calm down. I was asking about it, not saying they were paranoid wackos. The pill has been fantastic for me, so I love it. That's too bad for her, she sounds like me before I was on the pill lol.