How do I get over her sexual past?

[ACHTUNG]

I'm 30 and have been dating a woman who is 27 for about 7 months now. Very early in our relationship we discussed our past sexual history (not in complete detail or numbers) and we both seemed to agree that we have had "colorful" histories with other partners. However, over time I realize that she is a bit more promiscuos in the past than I thought.

I can confirm 7 men that she has slept with in the past. I found out that she has had at least one one night stand with a stranger she met out with friends one night in high school. Who knows how many guys she slept with in college (she was a party girl). She married right out of college at 22 or 23 and within a few years had an affair with a co-worker. Her husband never knew. In her defense I know that their marriage was a bad one not because of her. She did give it a good shot but the guy was the weak link in the marriage and couldn't be changed. She got a divorce about 1.5 years ago. After her divorce she continued to see the man she had the affair with (who is married as well) for a short while then broke it off. She went to Europe for work and had a fling with a guy that works for her company in Brussels. Then we met and she was dating 2 other guys while we first started dating. I know she slept with one of them (maybe the other as well) and she was sleeping with me. I'm pretty sure she only slept with the other guy once or twice because she cut both of them off pretty quickly after we got together.

Over the past 7 months of being with her, it has been wonderful. We get along, have tons of fun, our communication is great and our sex is great. I truly feel that she loves me and I am in love with her. My problem is that I can't seem to get over her past promiscuity. She's a girl that has a larger appitite for sex than most. I don't think it's because she's missing something or has self worth issues.

I have slept with 12 women in my past but they have been with single women that I have gotten to know and dated. No one night stands, no cheating, no flings with co-workers.

I have told her that I have this hang up. She gets really sad and tells me that she has never felt so right with anyone before and that she's sad because I think she's a slut deep down. I do believe that she completely loves me and only wants to be with only me but it's hard for me because I imagine all these guys banging her. I'm starting to get paranoid about her boss because he's been treating her like shit for a few months and I'm starting to assume that she did stuff with him in the past and won't anymore so he treats her like crap. I'm just nervous that after time goes by and say we get married, she might get bored and go screw someone else.

How do I get over this insecurity? Should I be nervous?

Thanks

[shh!]

Well, considering that past behavior is the best predictor for future behavior, I understand your concern. You should definitely take things slow - not because she CAN'T change, but to be sure she HAS changed.

However, you have no right to repeatedly "punish" her about her sexual past. What's done is done, and if a woman with this sort of experience is a problem for you, then you ought to let her go. She doesn't need to be dealing with your insecurities for the rest of her life. Frankly, I don't know that she should have given you any info about her sexual history at all. It wasn't any of your business.

[Only-virgins]

Considering your past is about as bad as hers ...that would make you a hypocrite no?

[Debunkt]

You should not have to be worried about past sexual encounters on her part. At that age, most people have had more than a few sexual partners, and how they had them is not always a good reflection of the way they are now. It doesn't really matter about the fact that she's had sex with other guys, or how many, as long as you love each other and are comfortable with YOUR sex life.

I really don't think that's your hang up, though. She cheated. Probably all that you're seeing right now, and that can always have a chance of coming back when things don't go so well between ya'll. I recomend that as long as you're happy, keep her happy (and satisfied) and you won't have to worry about any of that. Just be aware of her past, but don't pass too much judgement on her because of it. People can change.

[Junsui]

I agree with shh!, take it slow to make sure she has changed.

[Rosebud]

I agree with Debunkt!! Good thoughts Debunkt!

[whaywardj]

If a man was doing all you say she's done, it'd be something to brag about. **** you and the double-standard you're trying to impose on her. Particularly since she had the forthrightness to even tell you about any of it. You're turning her trust in you against her. So, **** you twice.

[misombra]

she told you all that? damn i wouldn't ever go into details about my past sex life with my bf. he doesn't want to hear them and i don't want to relive them.

and yeah, you've had sex with MORE people... yeah. and if you were involved with them then you probably had sex with them more than once. therefore you are more likely to have tried different things with MORE people than she has.

quit being such a jerk.

[Bluevetteracer]

Well, considering that past behavior is the best predictor for future behavior, I understand your concern. You should definitely take things slow - not because she CAN'T change, but to be sure she HAS changed.

However, you have no right to repeatedly "punish" her about her sexual past. What's done is done, and if a woman with this sort of experience is a problem for you, then you ought to let her go. She doesn't need to be dealing with your insecurities for the rest of her life. Frankly, I don't know that she should have given you any info about her sexual history at all. It wasn't any of your business.

GREAT ADVICE from SHH

She sounds very irresponsible to me. Stepping out on your marriage because it is bad is no excuse, get the divorce, and then go about your life. She gave her word to her husband, and to God to be faithful, she was not. I don't care what kind of scumbag he was, your standard is the one to hold up.

She seems to need reassurance from men, that she is desirable. As SHH said, past history, will predict the future, if SHH would only apply that to U.S. foreign policy she would be a Republican.

Be careful my friend, I am sure she loves, and enjoys her time with you, but as a third guy looking in, you are the "flavor of the month". 7 months is nothing.

She may very well have changed, and being honest with you about her past is a plus, as it will give you the insight to make your own decision. I would not judge her, punish her, or hold her to any other standard you would with a girl that was the opposite of her. BUT, if I were you, I would set some personal goals, some boundaries, and some limits, so that when they are reached, you go your separate ways.

She has the past of a user, a player, cheating, and along with all that usually goes lying. YOU must give her the clean slate, and accept it. But like the boy scouts say, "to be forewarned, is to be forearmed". When it gets to an unacceptable point, you must be strong enough, and dynamic enough to say it's over. Don't be one of her victims.

I have been in this exact situation, almost to the "T".
After a year and a half, she was on the prowl again. Women like this are very passionate in life, with men, with everything. They are great in bed, fun to be with, attractive, sexual, etc.

[Lloyd95]

OT- Bluevette, what kind of vette do you have? Please don't say "blue". Is it a Z06?

[Tone]

I agree with my man, Hayward here. 7 vs 12. *slap*

And as Captain Planet would say, "The power is YOURS!"

[DiggityDogg]

You said that you know that her marriage was a bad one and that it wasn't her fault. How do you know this? Because she told you? It sounds to me that you are making excuses for her actions. How do you know she wasn't just as bad in that relationship as her ex husband was? She did cheat you know...

Unless her ex husband or any of his friends tell you personally that he was the one making the relationship bad, I don't see how you can say that you know it was a bad relationship and that she had nothing to do with it going sour. All you know is that she has a troubled past with relationships and is known to cheat. I don't know about you, but that is one too many red flags for me.

[ACHTUNG]

Considering your past is about as bad as hers ...that would make you a hypocrite no?

I think that my past is a fraction of hers. I'm afraid to know how many men she's been with. I said that I can confirm seven. I know there are many others.

[Junsui]

You think she's been with like 50 people?

[ACHTUNG]

I really don't think that's your hang up, though. She cheated. Probably all that you're seeing right now, and that can always have a chance of coming back when things don't go so well between ya'll. I recomend that as long as you're happy, keep her happy (and satisfied) and you won't have to worry about any of that. Just be aware of her past, but don't pass too much judgement on her because of it. People can change.

This is the root of it. I agree. I'll try really hard to not pass judgement on her. I understand how unfair it is.