I don't know how to Feel.

[independent]

gHex is right (in my eyes)...

Question: do YOU feel bad about doing it? Or did it make you feel good to do it? Did your only negative thought revolve around what other people might think of you for doing it?

[whaywardj]

I think it was a wonderfully caring gesture RB. One that would bring a tear to MY eye, were it me. Let's hope he gets the message.

Uh...let's hope, too, nothing stupid happens with or around that gun. It's ownership is registered, I presume; in your name? I don't know that I'd be altogether comfortable with that if somone else, ANYone, were using the weapon out of my presence.

[shh!]

I think it was a wonderfully caring gesture RB. One that would bring a tear to MY eye, were it me. Let's hope he gets the message.

Uh...let's hope, too, nothing stupid happens with or around that gun. It's ownership is registered, I presume; in your name? I don't know that I'd be altogether comfortable with that if somone else, ANYone, were using the weapon out of my presence.

I wish his hobby was basketball rather than guns.

[whaywardj]

Do tell, indeed.

[Rosebud]

LOL You guys! No I wasn't bothered by what other's would say i was bothered in the general fact that I was condoning him going hunting by buying that for him but that's ok. Well the gun is a rifle with a scope and everything and he never plasy with them in the house or near the house becasue of our daughter. We keep them locked in a gun case that is also locked in a spare room with a locked door. I'm not worried about him and guns he know's how I feel and does repsect my wishes when it comes to that.

And yes as of now the rifle is in my name and on monday we are going to transfer it to his. He will not be using it until that happens. Trust me! I follow all those rules becasue I'm a good girl!!!

An yes I will tell you guys what happens with that tomorrow. Becasue I think he will bevery thankful and realize a couple things which will open up a conversation, but if not I will still open one up. I feel horrible though, he's having such a bad day and he's so miserable he's having me look online for a new job for him already. So I'm muli-tasking at the moment, I'm on LF, looking for jobs, And writing out my thoughts (took a little break from that to digest what I wrote..but will continue).

[Rosebud]

You know I went back and re read all the posts again today for the like 3rd time. I decided to slow myself down a little, and you know..I even spell better when I do that! Anyhow, I realized there were a lot of good points said in all those threads that I never realized before. I have been writing down things that I think we need to work on and trying to find a resolution for all of them. I have to admit this is not an easy task, and I see all of them coming with time. I have taken your advice and put my daughter as the "rudder" and have tried to figure things out with her in immediate consideration. I have also noticed as you said Indigosoul that I am dangling on the edge of Apathy. Which is not good for myself or others around me and I do have to change that, which I am also trying to find a way to do. I think I have a lot of work to do on myself as well to be able to focus more on the situation at hand instead fo everything all at once so I don't get so overwhelmed.

May I also ask what specific things you would recommend me trying to work on first? I see a lot of things here, and I know I have priorities but I'm curious to know what you would start with first if you were faced with these situations.

[whaywardj]

Yes. Begin finding ways to make yourself self-supporting, then pursue the one or two or three ways that appeal to you. Will make a huge difference in your outlook. Independent might have a tip or two on that topic.

[independent]

That sounded like an invitation to post to me

My sister and I talk often... She's been married 12 years, I had been in a 2-year relationship that I very much thought was heading toward marriage (but prior a single mom for years with two children and no family support). Just to give you a little background.

Anyway, she complains that her husband this or her husband that. He doesnt care. He didnt take out the trash. He had drinks with his boss after work instead of coming home to help with supper. You get the drift.

I had my own problems. He doesnt listen. We dont talk anymore. I feel crowded. Whatever. We were just talking things out with each other - venting, supporting, etc.

She'd talk of leaving him sometimes, to which I'd say: What will that solve? If you are upset because he doesnt do enough, who will do it when he is gone? If you are upset because you dont have enough "you time" - how much do you think when you have two kids to raise on your own plus a full time job?

She's never been on her own with the kids. I've never been in a secure long-term relationship where I didnt have to worry about that. We learned from each other that the grass is not always greener on the other side, and gave each other much to consider.

For me, I realized that things I would "break up with a guy over" are things you stick out and work on in a marriage of 10+ years. It comes down to knowing how you want things to work out in the end. You can argue yourself right out a one-way door, only to find that it sucks out there and you cant get back in. You really gotta know. Before you do that (without thinking).

Maybe you can ask yourself these questions:

- Is he a good man, and this is just a phase we are going through?

- Is this relationship not good overall, and the good times are just phases?

- Is it HIM, or is the job.. or is it ME? What is the root of the issue?

- What are the possible fixes? (and follow those thought processes out to final outcomes, and analyze how you feel about each)

[independent]

Too, one thing we talked about a lot is this: We cant change the men. We cant "fix" them (that's a bad way to say it LOL).

So my advice to my sister was this: You gotta get happy, yourself!

That means go get your hair done. Get up in the morning and shower and put on make-up. Make friends (no excuses). Go do things outside of the house - part time job, hit the gym, volunteer somewhere, etc.

Sometimes the root of our problems was that we were bored, or we were unhappy... and we expected them to fill in the blanks for us. In the end, it was up to us to do that ourselves. When a man comes home to a bored or unhappy woman... he responds accordingly. When he comes home to a content happy woman... he responds accordingly.

Do things that YOU enjoy. That make YOU happy. A lot of times if you stop expecting, stop asking, stop being upset because you arent getting... things automatically fall back into place.

[Rosebud]

Oh my god, it's scaring me how much we think alike as well. And I'll get to that in a second.

Last night when he came home, he did the usual but it was in an ok mood. Real bummed out that he had to work today. But anyhow I asked him if he could go get me something from the bedroom which he did, seconds later he came running inot th eliving room with the rifle box, I swear he looked like a little boy at christmas. He was so happy and excited he couldn't stop hugging me and kissing me. Haha, he told me what I did was very thoughtful and that was the nicest thing he has had done for him in a long time. The rest of the night he wouldn't leave my side, he kept kissing me and squeezing me real tight and all. But I told him why I did it and how much I love him and that I love making him happy. He had a big smile on his face the whole time and it was like a light bulb went off in his head.

This morning when my daughter got up he got out of bed and started making breakfast for all of us (which doesn't happen often). I came out and offered to help but he wouldn't let me, he wanted to soemthig nice for me. He even started doing some of the laundry afterwards..I could have swore he was taken over by someone else LOL

After he left for work, I went in to take the clothes out of the dryer, and on top of the dryer was a little note that said " I love you very much, and look forward to our future". awwwwwww..

So while I was in the shower today I was going over all the things that we did when we first together. If he would call me to come over to his place, I would hurry up, take a shower and do my hair and everything and go over...Even if it was the middle of the night. Well it hit me.. The only time I do those thigs now is if I'm going out or I'm going to be around other people. Why? So I decided I was going to start doign something for myself again and start doing those things every day for one, to make me feel better. I have to start somewhere ya know! Which is why I was giggling a little when Ir ead your post Independent. And those other things you mentioned I'm writing down now and will respond with those as well, since it seems to help me a little i just want to be writing down excuses instead of true feelings..

[indigosoul]

This morning when my daughter got up he got out of bed and started making breakfast for all of us (which doesn't happen often). I came out and offered to help but he wouldn't let me, he wanted to soemthig nice for me. He even started doing some of the laundry afterwards..I could have swore he was taken over by someone else LOL

After he left for work, I went in to take the clothes out of the dryer, and on top of the dryer was a little note that said " I love you very much, and look forward to our future". awwwwwww..

Rosebud, REINFORCE this behaviour. Immediately. Take the note, in hand, and tell him how much it means to you that he does these things. Preferably w/something physical to go along with the words. Trust me on this.

Men whose women are unhappy CAN change, and often WANT to change, but don't know how or what they are supposed to be doing. A good (male) friend of mine once told me that men are basically like trainable puppies...and they WANT to be trained! Not all, perhaps, but the ones that care. So, train him (nicely) to do the things that you like. Its really that simple.

Guys, feel free to comment on this one, but in my experience, a guys LOVES a girl who will tell him what makes her happy.

[independent]

Wow - Wow - Wow! This is a GOOD step in the right direction!!

I've always been of the belief that I had to "set things into motion" in regards to the men in my life. They never seemed to "get it" - just oblivious to the emotional side of things. And, um, yeah - that could just be the type of men I attract LOL

Anyway - funny story for you:

My ex husband was terrible about holidays. I never got so much as got a birthday card or an easter corsage. As for mother's day (and yes, I was the mother of his child) if I even mentioned it, his response was "You're not my mother" (hateful ass LOL).

So I decided to show him how I liked to be treated on holidays - with the hopes he would "get it". For one entire year I celebrated everything on the calendar. And I mean *everything*. I did for him exactly like I would have liked done for me. But I never really mentioned that was what I was doing.

That year he turned 30. I threw a HUGE surprise party for him with over 50 guests. Just to give you an example.

One day I called him and invited him to lunch. He was too busy to leave work so I went and got fajitas take out and went over to his work... and had lunch with him right there at his tech bench. The guy behind him (co-worker) says "man, is it your birthday or something?" and I just looked at him and said "It's Lincoln's birthday, didnt you know?" (haha)

I was dedicated to it for that entire year. I never said a thing. Never got discouraged. I knew this was going to take time.

The following mother's day, I got my first card from him ever. It said:

364 days a year you cook, clean, take care of the kids, manage the house... (it had a big long list). I was grinning. I opened the card. On the inside it said:

.

.

.

... So one more day won't hurt you!

[independent]

p.s. I gave up on the holiday thing LOL

But you cant say it wasnt worth a try

[indigosoul]

My ex husband was terrible about holidays. I never got so much as got a birthday card or an easter corsage. As for mother's day (and yes, I was the mother of his child) if I even mentioned it, his response was "You're not my mother" (hateful ass LOL).

So I decided to show him how I liked to be treated on holidays - with the hopes he would "get it". For one entire year I celebrated everything on the calendar. And I mean *everything*. I did for him exactly like I would have liked done for me. But I never really mentioned that was what I was doing.

That year he turned 30. I threw a HUGE surprise party for him with over 50 guests. Just to give you an example.

One day I called him and invited him to lunch. He was too busy to leave work so I went and got fajitas take out and went over to his work... and had lunch with him right there at his tech bench. The guy behind him (co-worker) says "man, is it your birthday or something?" and I just looked at him and said "It's Lincoln's birthday, didnt you know?" (haha)

I was dedicated to it for that entire year. I never said a thing. Never got discouraged. I knew this was going to take time.

The following mother's day, I got my first card from him ever. It said:

364 days a year you cook, clean, take care of the kids, manage the house... (it had a big long list). I was grinning. I opened the card. On the inside it said:

.

.

.

... So one more day won't hurt you!

This isn't funny at all. Its bitter and sad. I am SOOO sorry that this ever happened to you Indep. Truly.

[independent]

This isn't funny at all. Its bitter and sad. I am SOOO sorry that this ever happened to you Indep. Truly.

Yes, well, at least I walked away from that one knowing I did everything that I could. No regrets on my end.

And now that you make me think about it... another similar example - he couldnt seem to keep a job. We lived in a small town, very few opportunities in his field. So I quit my job, sold everything I owned (he didnt own much), and moved us to the city - and opened a shop. I put him in business for himself (on paperwork, I was the owner - but it was a way for him to see HIS dreams come true). I did that for him. I did truly love him.

I eventually had to hire people to replace him. The excuses were just excuses - truth was, he wasnt a "worker". When we divorced I gave him the shop (good reasons, long story)... and he was bankrupt within 90 days. A sad shame, because the place ran itself by then with a full staff.

So...

Maybe my advice is garbage. Screw what your SO wants or feels or think - Make YOURSELF happy (directing this at myself).

Or maybe there are some people out there that would do the same in return. That would compliment each other through giving and receiving (ie: balance).

I'd like to keep faith in the latter.


(and I agree that wasnt funny - I cried some hard tears over that one)