PLEASE HELP... please read...

[htoudiee]

I'm 24, my gf is 25. Please help. I just woke up from not being able to sleep so i'm posting here. Here is my problem. My gf said she's going with her sisters (2) and brother in law to this hollowin party and I wasn't ok with it at first (I'm not ok with her going to parties stay there till past 3-4AM, I'm just not ok with it, just like she's not ok with me going to our Car Club meet till 11PM AND I DIDN'T GO ANYMORE), then I called her around 9pm because she had said she's gonna go no matter what cause she doesn't wanna miss these parties when she gets 40-50 years old (by the way, she couldn't invite me because we are secret bf/gfs. Our parents are those type that shouldn't know.). So I called her thinking if it that if it was me i'd not have much fun when at a party that my gf said not to go and to tell her that i'm ok with her going. She said then that she wasn't gonna go since I wasn't ok with it. I said that and told her that's it's ok with me and then we were talking when she had to hang up because of her friend (girl) called. She said she'd call back but didn't untill I call aroud 10:15 (45 min later) and I was upset but she said she knew I was ok with her going so she went to get dressed and was in a rush so she couldn't call and said that I shouldn't have been mad.I got more upset and she had to go so we hung up. Untill now (1:53am) I haven't been able to sleep. How could she be having fun when knowing i'm in pain here. I don't wanna sound needy but what should I do.

[Mish]

I'm 24, my gf is 25. Please help. I just woke up from not being able to sleep so i'm posting here. Here is my problem. My gf said she's going with her sisters (2) and brother in law to this hollowin party and I wasn't ok with it at first (I'm not ok with her going to parties stay there till past 3-4AM, I'm just not ok with it, just like she's not ok with me going to our Car Club meet till 11PM AND I DIDN'T GO ANYMORE), then I called her around 9pm because she had said she's gonna go no matter what cause she doesn't wanna miss these parties when she gets 40-50 years old (by the way, she couldn't invite me because we are secret bf/gfs. Our parents are those type that shouldn't know.). So I called her thinking if it that if it was me i'd not have much fun when at a party that my gf said not to go and to tell her that i'm ok with her going. She said then that she wasn't gonna go since I wasn't ok with it. I said that and told her that's it's ok with me and then we were talking when she had to hang up because of her friend (girl) called. She said she'd call back but didn't untill I call aroud 10:15 (45 min later) and I was upset but she said she knew I was ok with her going so she went to get dressed and was in a rush so she couldn't call and said that I shouldn't have been mad.I got more upset and she had to go so we hung up. Untill now (1:53am) I haven't been able to sleep. How could she be having fun when knowing i'm in pain here. I don't wanna sound needy but what should I do.

I guess the real question here is why do you feel so much pain in knowing that your gf is going out to enjoy herself without you? How long have you two been going out together? Is this an abandonment or a fair play issue? And why does your relationship with her has a need to be shrouded in mysterious secrecy? (24/25 - you're not kids anymore)

There could be a couple of issues at play here (most i view as psychological). If this is an abandonement issue, is there a history of break ups between you two, have you had a taxing break up in the past or do you feel this is an imagined abandonement issue? If this is a question of fairness (I.e. she goes to parties when you are not allowed to) then why are you worrying so much over it? Wouldn't it be simpler for you to just go to a Car Club meeting next time to shift the balance back?

Once again, it's very hard to give an advice not knowing the answer to the very first question. Why are you in so much pain over something so trivial?

[mhussain]

what you should do is force yourself to get some sleep. the problem is that you have to have trust in her. and understand that that whole secret bf/gf thing is kind of shady.

get some sleep and rest. conk yourself on the head if you have to.

worry yourself in the morning.

but get some sleep now

Hussain

[htoudiee]

I guess the real question here is why do you feel so much pain in knowing that your gf is going out to enjoy herself without you? How long have you two been going out together? Is this an abandonment or a fair play issue? And why does your relationship with her has a need to be shrouded in mysterious secrecy? (24/25 - you're not kids anymore)

There could be a couple of issues at play here (most i view as psychological). If this is an abandonement issue, is there a history of break ups between you two, have you had a taxing break up in the past or do you feel this is an imagined abandonement issue? If this is a question of fairness (I.e. she goes to parties when you are not allowed to) then why are you worrying so much over it? Wouldn't it be simpler for you to just go to a Car Club meeting next time to shift the balance back?

Once again, it's very hard to give an advice not knowing the answer to the very first question. Why are you in so much pain over something so trivial?

Thank you very much. I am answering your questions here below:
I guess the real question here is why do you feel so much pain in knowing that your gf is going out to enjoy herself without you? Well, I don't feel pain about that, but what I DO FEEL PAIN is being our 3-4AM in the morning... There really is no reason to why I don't like her being out that late but I just don't see it nice.

And why does your relationship with her has a need to be shrouded in mysterious secrecy? (24/25 - you're not kids anymore)? It just has to be. My parents know, hers don't.

there a history of break ups between you two? Not at all. We've been together 11 months coming to 1 year.

If this is a question of fairness? Well, see, she abandoned me from going to my car club for the very exact reason... because she just didn't like it. I respected and didn't go. but yet when I tell her same thing I get the response "I'm not gonna not go". Don't get me wrong, she's the sweetest girl I've seen in the world and I love her to death but I am too sensetive over these things and I get bothered REAL fast and bad.

[whaywardj]

...Why are you in so much pain over something so trivial?...

Yep. I'd say, right now, that's the only question that really matters. I'm sure the answer has many facets to it. "See how they shine?"

[htoudiee]

Well,
ok... see, I've seen all these ocasions that the girl goes out without BF and sees somebody there... they start liking each other and next thing you know is her breaking up with you over a small thing... 2 years later you see them together and find everything out. yeah, damn that is the reason... maybe that's the same reason she has for me going to our car club... I don't wanna loose her, but I don't wanna hear the "I'm not gonna go" response from her either, that's just plain ignorant. I stopped going to the meet that meant alot to me just because she wasn't OK with it... no question I asked her at all.

[Justplaying5050]

its just a trust issue, you have to get over it and you have to trust her. 11 months with no trust is kinda harsh and she hasnt done anything to you in the past? you have no reason to worry.

[whaywardj]

You both must stop whatever it is which is driving you to try to control each other's lives. That's a SURE FIRE recipe for ending the relationship. If you can't trust each other's judgment when you're not in each other's sight, then you don't need to be together and SHOULDN'T be together. Fact is, as long as trust and confidence in each other isn't there, you really AREN'T together in the first place. You're just play-acting at being together.

[Justplaying5050]

but i do agree on the part about your car club, if she can go to parties till 3 or 4 in the morning you should be able to go to your car club that ends at 11 - talk to her about it, dont hold anything back tell her exactly how you feel about the subject

[Justplaying5050]

hayward said it ^^

[Debunkt]

But you lied to her and told her you were okay with her going after she said she wasn't going to go. You're probably confusing the hell out of her. She obviously knew that you didn't want her to go, so she offered not to. You should have left it at that. You can't say one thing, have her follow what you say, and then be upset about it. Anyway, you shouldn't worry about it. If she loves you, she won't go "getting to know" other guys. If she does and dumps you for some trivial reason over another guy, why would you want her anyway? Just something to think about.

My gf went to a party last night. She knows I'm a worry-wart, but I don't tell her not to go. I just tell her to be safe and call me. Trust, baby. Trust.

[htoudiee]

I guess you're right but why would she tell me "I'm not gonna not go"... that tells me later on in marriage, if I ask something she can easily not care about it and say NO when I didn't do that over a very important thing to me that was "going to my car club meet"

[Debunkt]

what? I don't get what you're saying.

[Justplaying5050]

naw see what he did was he asserted himself and she was like ok i wont go and then he felt bad gave in and she took advantage of it, thats the way it looks to me anyway, this situation looks like her fault to me, not his

[independent]

Mean what you say... and say what you mean.

Everytime.

That's the key to good communication. You cannot say what you think she wants to hear... and "allow her" to do the things you think she wants to do. And stop doing the things you think she doesnt want you to do.

Basically, you cant really change each other. In a good solid relationship, compromise is natural and easy.

Go back to the car meets. You should both have a life outside of your relationship with each other. No sense in trying to play games, using all of these things as pawns.

As for your insecurities - It's not really fair to put those on her. I liked the advice above... and why make yourself crazy when she's out without you? Trust is important. You should ask yourself if you dont trust her for a reason (something that has happened specifically)... or if you dont trust in general - and why?