I need some advice on how to get her back

[CircleC]

Hi, I'm going to try and explain my situation the best I can and hope for some good advice or at least some support.

I'm 28 years old and have had a roller coaster of a life that has been quite a struggle. I've made great strides in the last year to head in the right direction and figure out my strengths and weaknesses. I'm a manager at a small shop near where I live and a little over 3 months ago, a girl walked thru the doors that took my breath away. More than just her physical beauty, she possesses the most attractive personality I have even encountered.

While she was a customer of the store, we seemed to flirt very comfortably and I felt a click. At the time I was looking to hire someone part time very soon and suggested it to here. In another two weeks she was working for us. I definitely hired herbecause I thought she was very qualified for the job and an absolute gem with people(customers) Over the last 3 months she has done nothing but prove that hiring her was the best thing I ever did for that store. I also hired her so I would get to spend more time with her. I thought it would make it easier for us to get to know each other and I really wanted to know her.

After a few weeks of working together and flirting, we finally decided to hang out one friday afternoon. We walked around town and came back to my apartment where we experienced an amazingly romantic afternoon/evening. especially considering we hadn't spent much time together. At first, I was worried that we had moved way too fast and it might affect the chances of our having a meaningful relationship.

I was very hesitant to let myself have feelings for her. I had two very serious girlfriends in the past and each was somewhat painful at the end. I had been single for 3 years since the second one and wasn't in a rush to feel that way again. I wanted to be careful and move at a slower pace.

Our company has a policy against managers and employees hanging out, and I used that rule to keep her at a distance from me. We would spend time together. But never regularly and I never let her know that I was very interested in being with her and that I truly cared for her and wanted to be close to her. But the time with her was amazing and I felt myself slowly opening up to her. It was like she could knock away all the bad memories I'd had from relationships past. My fear of falling in love was going away.

So after about 6 weeks of randomly seeing each other and me pushing her away we went about a week without really hanging out at all. During that time, I realized how much I missed her and I figured out that she was everything I could ask for and needed to start treating her like that.

So I started opening up and showing a softer side to her. I showed more affection and began to make myself vulnerable. But I felt so safe with her that my defenses rested.

I was under the impression that she was still very interested in me as she had seemed to be before. But in the previous few weeks she had started to make other new friends and find ways to get over me. I didn't know that yet.

Then, for the love of bad timing, my grandpa's began to show signs that death was near. So I booked a flight to see him in Florida. 3 days after I booked the flight he died. I hadn't seen him in nearly 3 years and it tore me apart. I had been in denial of his deteriorating condition over the past 2 years.

I got depressed and couldn't seem to cope with it very well. My nearest family is six hours away and I am currently short on very close friends. So this lady who I was falling for became very important to me. Now, she had told me that she had been becoming increasingly 'over me' but was still willing and interested in me. So she needed me to be patient and ease into things because of her situation and I couldn't help but try and rush to spend every single second with her.

I was so depressed over grandpa's death and started wallowing in self pity to no end it seemed. All the things in my life that usually cheered me up weren't working, but I knew how great I felt with her. I wanted her to spend as much time with me as possible. And for the most part she was there.

But she also has some friends that she likes to hang out with at a local bar. I became very jealous of that whole situation and started assuming things about her relationships with some of her guy friends. This made her pull away from me and not want to be around me. I became persistent and tried to explain my way through all the problems i was having. She never totally seemed to give up on me, but I could never get the thoughts out of my head that she was interested in someone else and thats why she wasn't moving into the relationship like I wanted her to. I didn't respect the fact that she had been waiting almost 3 months before I started to show her the affection she had been craving.

This morning I went to her apartment to leave her my key and ask that she feeds my cats while I was down in Florida for the memorial service this weekend. When I got there, one of her guy friends was there downloading music. She came to the door and seemed to have been sleeping. I was convinced that her and him were together and that hurt me so much. I was heading for the airport and that was the last thing I wanted to find out. I made a little bit of a fool of myself but didn't totally lose my temper and I headed to the airport after giving her the key and then demanding it back. childish.

At the airport, I couldn't get the whole thing out of my head and it was killing me. I decided to get back in a cab and head home. I sent her a few messages trying to explain what I was thinking and how much she had hurt me. I went to see her in the afternoon and apologized. She let me know that she didn't want to be around me anymore and today was going to be her last day working for us.


I spent about 2 hours with her at the store, mainly assuring her that I wasn't going to continue to make things worse and how sorry I was for losing my mind over the last two weeks. She seemed to be understanding that I was going to stop causing her the problems I had been causing recently. She agreed to work through the week, so I can finish training a new part time employee, who will now be offered a fulltime position to fill her void. I know she still has feelings for me, and I hope they will find they're way back. I don't think there has been too much damage done, but I could be wrong. What should I do? I want her to be convinced that these last two weeks were not a true picture of how I want to handle a relationship. I want her to understand that I normally wouldn't have the slightest problem with her relationships with her friends...I want her to know that i will do anything and everything I can to handle the next bad situation(such as grandpa's passing) better and with more patience.

Could I have completely missed my opportunity with her when she started trying to get over me? or did i still have a chance? and now with what has happened, can I ever make this right?

[shh!]

Is there a cliff notes version?

[Debunkt]

you're so lazy, shh!

He fell in love with this girl, hired her to work where he is a manager, and went out with her. But he didn't want to rush a relationship even though she didn't seem to mind it. Him not taking the opportunity caused her to want to distance herself. Then He tries to start a real relationship with her, but is uber jealous of her guy friends. Then his grandpa dies, he's sad... blah blah blah. So she's going to housesit for him, but he goes to her place and there's another guy there and he gets mad. She wants to start no contact, he wants a way to get her back. The End. I love reading rainbow.

Anyway, dude, I'm sorry to say it, but you must move on. We've seen this one a million times, and you just have to accept that you screwed up and she won't forgive you for that. She wants no contact and you have to respect it. I mean you can try whatever you want to win her back, but I don't think its going to happen. Just learn and move on. Sorry.

[Bluevetteracer]

If you find a way, let everyone know, it is an age old question.


Sorry, I only have about 30 min here. I will try and read it when I have more time.

[Airborne]

Dude, if you had thought you were in love with her you shouldn't have tried to push her away, you cannot possibly subdue your feelings.

To be honest with you dude there is very little you can do now, getting jealous and desperate is one sure fire way to create one astounding turn off for a girl. If she wants to remain friends then yea, there is still a hope. Though if I was you I would be trying to move on, and find someone else. There is no point dwelling on her.

[CircleC]

I'm definitely accepting the fact that I screwed up. I'm not going to push for anything at all from her because I know that could only push her away more. At this point even anything I tried to do that was sweet would be a turnoff because she has such a sour taste in her mouth. Guess I just hope that the last 2 weeks might fade and she'll remember the real me that she fell in love with.

[shh!]

you're so lazy, shh!
he's sad... blah blah blah. .

hehe - yeah, that's the part I wanted to skip over...

[CircleC]

Dude, if you had thought you were in love with her you shouldn't have tried to push her away, you cannot possibly subdue your feelings.

I know that I can't subdue my feelings. But when it comes to really strong feelings I have such a hard time letting myself show it. I was actually happy that I was eventually able to. I'd been single for 3 years and had forced myself to get used to it. After 3 months with her, I was able to stop subdoing my feelings. But it might have been too late.

[Ellynn]

Yeah........you messed up. But honestly....you learn from it. Next time you find a girl you really like....don't push her away... I would have suggested her getting a job elsewhere and then started dating her seriously.... seeing as you have that rule...

Give her some space....if she still really cares for you she will get in touch with you...

[CircleC]

Next time you find a girl you really like....don't push her away...

Give her some space....if she still really cares for you she will get in touch with you...

You're right and I know that. Hopefully it will be just that easy to decide and not push someone away again. and I can give her space. It hurts very bad and it won't be easy, but all I can do is make things worse I guess till she thinks things are better. Thanks for your comment Ellynn!

[lilwing89]

life is a struggle for everyone.

between getting up for school every day

to wiping your ass after a good shit

to eating a piece of banana out of a dumpster

to constantly giving your heart for a girl to constantly break in return

to getting on love forum and posting a problem

to accepting your own death

yup.

[CircleC]

But life hadn't been much of a struggle for me for quite sometime. Until I had to deal with the sadness of death and the happiness of love. The double whammy of emotions was more than I could handle. Now, this day to day shit is a bit of a struggle.

[CircleC]

Damn, I'm finally getting to watch Fever Pitch. I thought this would be alot funnier and help cheer me up. I love baseball and am a life long Mets fans so I figured the Buckner references would really give me a kick. But its too much of a love story for me right now...

[Mish]

Hi CircleC

The worst thing about this is this cycle is unstopable. Once things escolate into a certain level, there is nothing you can do or say to stop the chain reaction. I would recommend to completely give up on the relationship part with her and be a best friend she could have (To do this you will have to be completely over her). Through past experienced i've noticed that only through a good friendship do you ever have a chance of getting the girl back. E.g. Being there to support her when noone else is there for her is a good way to start the ball rolling again

In the mean time, go and find yourself a date, that should make the process of moving on easier for you...

[CircleC]

Yeah, you're right it does seem like the cycle was unstoppable. And its been hard to stop. I've gone since Saturday without talking to her and haven't even tried. I know its the only way. And I should be able to wrap myself in enough other things to keep my mind off it. Just another one of life's situations that gives me a challenge I guess. The worst part is to think that it took three months to develop what I thought we had and only took about ten days to ruin it. But that might even have been 9 days longer than I deserved.