Originally Posted by
shh!
I did not misunderstand your meaning, but you may have misunderstood mine. There will be issues about the differences in discipline styles if you discipline 2 of the kids while your wife disciplines the other. (However, you can't discipline the other one, because he isn't yours.) This conflict will breed resentment between the siblings. (Why does dad make me _________ when "Johnny" doesn't have to? Why is stepdad nicer to the other two kids than he is to me?) You will very likely be setting up a good guy/bad guy dynamic. Does that make sense? Basically, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
I was not referring to physical discipline, although I am glad to see you didn't inlcude it in your style. Nonetheless, your personality seems very rigid, which although important for good military men, often inspires rebellion in children, and step-kids rebel exponentially more. Also, you would not be raising you, who may well have thrived under restrictive circumstances, but rather another human being whose personality is inherent and may not respond well to authoritative parenting.
All I can say is that I speak not only from my own experience, but also from what I have observed in virtually every marital relationship after a baby is born. Children NEED their mommies, while husbands merely WANT them. Need is obviously more important. Naturally, as the kids age, the priorities shift.
Perhaps what you witnessed with your parents was that your father never forced your mother to make a choice between himself and her children. Also, your father would not have been as resentful of not being "number 1" since your mother was busy caring for HIS children. Healthy families are made by parents committed to a common cause, not by parents who compete for attention with the children. (This is a very common problem with new parents, by the way, which is greatly intensified in step-relationships.)
I'm sure you are a swell guy, bluevette, and I am not trying to imply that you aren't. It's just that - as I said before - these situations are far more complex than most people can possibly imagine, and people are generally far less prepared to cowboy-up to the job than they think.