Dating someone with a child???

[Bluevetteracer]

Anybody gone down this road?

For the first time in my life, I am entertaining the idea of a relationship with a women, and she has a young son.

The dad is in the picture, but 4 states away. He shows some interest in being an active parent, but mom has full custody.

If you have been in a similar situation, what obstacles did you encounter, and how did you deal with them. What issues really affected the relationship?

[Lloyd95]

Listen, as a parent myself this is tricky. First off, once you have kids, you, as a parent live for them (or at least should) and everything else is secondary. This is impossible to relate to unless you are a parent, and for those dingle people out there, don't tell me you understand this.

That said, you have to understand that you will be on the backburner a few times; expect it, it's nothing personal, and it's the way it should be.

Also, you're involving yourself as an imprtant figure in the kids life. If you start dating, and don't enjoy the fact she has a kid, don't "fake" it, be honest and move on, for the child's sake. Also realize that you won't take place of the father, or even "father figure" and you shoudn't.

I don't know how old you are, but it's tricky. If you're younger, I say try someone else.

[TAVS]

I dated a mom once, but only cause her folks had custody so it didnt really get in the way. She was a nutcase anyway, so it didnt last very long. I'd be hesitant to date a Mom now, but from what know, I think you're a bit older than I, and women with kids tends to be the case a bit more.

[Bluevetteracer]

I am near 30, and she is around the same age.

I respect the parental role, and would not consider trying to drive a wedge there.

[Lloyd95]

I am near 30, and she is around the same age.

I respect the parental role, and would not consider trying to drive a wedge there.

Well, I think you're old enough with enough life experience to understand her position (as opposed to being 22 or something). I assume it would be worth a try if you really like her. Just tread lightly for everyone's sake, especially in the first few months.

[shh!]

I vote for avoiding relationships where there are children involved until you are so old that there is little choice in the matter, and you have not reached that age yet. It is WAY more complicated than you can imagine. WHile I think that men tend to handle these situations better than women, you are stepping into a relationship with people whose families have been destroyed (without the consent of the children), and the kids suffer more from that than the parent usually will acknowledge. There is a very good reason why second/third marriages usually don't work out, and it is because the kids have a hard time dealing with it. (Obviously, I am talking about the majority of the time and there can be exceptions, but I advise against anyone assuming they are exceptional.)

And yes, I speak from experience...

[Sami09]

Relationship with a single parent is properely hard you should not be judgemental about it either. some of them are really good people its just things did work out for them. I am saying this cause my cousin just had a kid not long ago and she 23 or 24 the father i think is gone and she still such a good person even after all the pain she went though. Its important to give people a chance



QUOTE=shh!]I vote for avoiding relationships where there are children involved until you are so old that there is little choice in the matter, and you have not reached that age yet. It is WAY more complicated than you can imagine. WHile I think that men tend to handle these situations better than women, you are stepping into a relationship with people whose families have been destroyed (without the consent of the children), and the kids suffer more from that than the parent usually will acknowledge. There is a very good reason why second/third marriages usually don't work out, and it is because the kids have a hard time dealing with it. (Obviously, I am talking about the majority of the time and there can be exceptions, but I advise against anyone assuming they are exceptional.)

And yes, I speak from experience...[/QUOTE]

[Lloyd95]

Relationship with a single parent is properely hard you should not be judgemental about it either. some of them are really good people its just things did work out for them. I am saying this cause my cousin just had a kid not long ago and she 23 or 24 the father i think is gone and she still such a good person even after all the pain she went though. Its important to give people a chance

Missing the point; nothing to do with the girl, herself. Just that it's a different road to travel down than with a "single" girl. Mainly being that you won't, and shouldn't, be priority number one. And that there are consequences for not being honest with yourself, and selfish actions.

[Rosebud]

I don't think starting a relationship with someone that has a child is a bad thing. The main thing you should concentrate on should be the relationship between yourself and this other person. It is a lot different than dating someone that doesn't have kids but both of you are at an age where you can be responsible in how you handle things. I don't think you should worry about it but also keep in mind that they do have other responsibilities that will come before you. As long as you realiize that and you truly think you can handle that, you should be fine.

[shh!]

I respect the parental role, and would not consider trying to drive a wedge there.

You don't have to even TRY to drive a wedge, oftentimes the mom will do it (unintentionally) for you. She is mainly interested in reforming a nuclear family, and in doing so will put you in the paternal/authoritative role, which the children will typically resent greatly. That resentment will usually be fueled by the natural father, who will not embrace the idea of another man raising his child, and who will become infinitely more interested in his children once another man comes around. (Age is also a factor, as many men decide as they age that they want to pursue relationships with their kids.) There will be BIG issues surrounding discipline since there is no clear-cut role for a step-parent, and jealousy issues surrounding division of time, attention and money and appropriate adult-child boundaries. All of this doesn't even begin to address the issues which will surface with the ex...

EDIT: There is no such thing as focusing on the relationship between you and her; it is all about you, her, and THE KIDS - the kids coming first, of course. The trio cannot be separated. Well, actually it could, but you'd be the odd man out.

[Junsui]

Nicely said shh!

[blackiesharley]

Anybody gone down this road?

For the first time in my life, I am entertaining the idea of a relationship with a women, and she has a young son.

The dad is in the picture, but 4 states away. He shows some interest in being an active parent, but mom has full custody.

If you have been in a similar situation, what obstacles did you encounter, and how did you deal with them. What issues really affected the relationship?

Thanks for starting this thread Blue, it's interesting and helpful to me as I'm going through pretty much the exact same thing as you at the moment for the first time (and I'm 49!) with a single Mom I'm dating and got some good, objective advice from the people here in my thread (on this page) 'Sex & Dating - How long is too long to wait?' Check it out.

Can it work? Sure. Is it more difficult and complicated than dating a single (meaning no kids) person? You bet. (At least in some ways) Different dynamics.

It appears that the bottom line is this: The kid will always come first, we'll come second, on the back burner so to speak. And you know what? I wouldn't respect my lady-friend if it were any other way. Doesn't mean that they don't care/like/love us, it's just the way it is and WE have to always keep that fact in mind and understand.

[indigosoul]

I guess as one of the few long-time-married-with-kids, I'll put in my $0.02 also.

BlackieS. & Shh give good advice; listen to it. Only want to add that you should ONLY consider a relationship with this woman if you are SERIOUS about her & her children. Otherwise, you are best to avoid hurting her & her kids (they could easily get attached to you) by seeking someone single. Better be worth it, in other words.

[Lloyd95]

Blackie, looks like you get it.

[Bluevetteracer]

You don't have to even TRY to drive a wedge, oftentimes the mom will do it (unintentionally) for you. She is mainly interested in reforming a nuclear family, and in doing so will put you in the paternal/authoritative role, which the children will typically resent greatly. That resentment will usually be fueled by the natural father, who will not embrace the idea of another man raising his child, and who will become infinitely more interested in his children once another man comes around. (Age is also a factor, as many men decide as they age that they want to pursue relationships with their kids.) There will be BIG issues surrounding discipline since there is no clear-cut role for a step-parent, and jealousy issues surrounding division of time, attention and money and appropriate adult-child boundaries. All of this doesn't even begin to address the issues which will surface with the ex...

EDIT: There is no such thing as focusing on the relationship between you and her; it is all about you, her, and THE KIDS - the kids coming first, of course. The trio cannot be separated. Well, actually it could, but you'd be the odd man out.

This encapsulates everything perfectly.

Dad lives far away, they were never married, a very brief relationship. Mom was left alone to deal with everything. She moved back to be close to family and dad sad, SEE YA. It is only because she makes the effort, that he has an interest.

Here are my concerns. I am not going to ever cater to him this way. If I married her, I would want more children. So, I am not going to inconvinence my entire family for him. If he wants to be a part of the Childs life, then he can make the effort. If I were this other guy, I would climb Everest to be with my child, or near them. I would buy a house across the street from mom if I had to, flip burgers, whatever it took.

Second, I will discipline my own children as my wife and I see fit, and that would be a major conflict amongst the kids.

Mom should make me #1, as any couple should make each other #1. Does not mean she should neglect her child, but this is how it works in a normal family. In a normal family, child would not get all of mom's attention.

She is a great person, and a wonderful women, and I could see her as my wife, but I am just not seeing anything but problems here.

Thanks for all the insight.