The pain is almost unbearable...

[Lurch]

After three years of marriage, my wife told me one morning that she loves me but she wanted another man. I know I wasn't a perfect husbsand, but I thought we were doing pretty good together. Then she tells me this.

I was on my way to work at about 4 am and was totally devestated.

She said that she didn't want to reconcile, so I agreed to give her the space she wanted. I moved out around a month later to my own little apartment.

(She had been in the hospital earlier in the year where she had to have surgery, and I was afraid she was going to die. Due to some incompetence on part of the doctors, she had a couple of seizures. She told me later that she hadn't felt the same about me since she had them. She still loved me but she wasn't attracted to me anymore.)

I try to stay friends with her, but it hurts so much just to see her that I break down every time she's around.

Yesterday she came by to borrow some money for gas and food and I talked to her for a while. She had some very visible physical evidence that I was easily replaceable, so I told her that I would go ahead and file for divorce so she wouldn't be tied to me anymore. She didn't like the idea, but agreed to it.

Last night I had terrible dreams all night long and I feel like crap today.

I was hoping I could find someone here that I could just talk to. I feel like I'm hanging from a cliff by my fingernails right now. I'm trying to get by, but it's not easy.

Lurch

[sweetkiss4one]

Sorry to hear about that! She told you that she loved you, but wanted someone else???? To me something just doesn't make since... how can someone love you and want to be with another person?

[gHEXjt]

Sorry to hear about that! She told you that she loved you, but wanted someone else???? To me something just doesn't make since... how can someone love you and want to be with another person?

That's a question I'd love to have answered. My ex told me, and continues to tell me the same thing. What a crock of shit.

[TAVS]

Sometimes people aren't right for eachother regardless of their love. I love my Ex with all my heart but I understand we didn't have a lot in common and that didn't make us as strong as we could have been. We view life differently and have different priorities.

[Junsui]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, Lurch. I can only imagine how crushing it is to be told that. Makes me sick to my stomach just to think about it. I know it must seem like your world is coming down around you right now, but you will get through this.

[Asip4u]

We view life differently and have different priorities.

I always wonder about that. Some people no matter how different end up having a great relationship while others cannot do it no matter what. Perhaps it's about what you are willing to accept in others? I notice North American way is different from a few European countries i lived in. People seem more independent here and have this attitude "I can have anything i want so if i don't like this situation, i'll get my self into one i will like"...

Even though it sounds great, there are flaws to that. This was mentioned earlier by you Tavs and another poster, about both parties not willing to work on things, instead, they just give up and go their seperate ways...Another thing that can be blamed is the fact so many idiots get married way too fast and notice that they cannot stand each other...Probably because it was mostly about sex and nothing else.

[Asip4u]

Lurch, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I know that means nothing to you now but trust me, once you figure out a few things about yourself and why certain things happen, you will feel better. There was a guy who broke up with his g/f and spent literally months on this board because he felt like shit. Don't be that guy...Realize that it's not your fault and realize that there was nothing you could have done to change her mind. Spend some time around here. There are many nice people who'd be more then wiling to help you.

[Lurch]

Thanks for listening to me.

I did want to work things out with her, but she told me that she had already found somebody else. She said there hadn't been any sex yet, just kissing and petting (not that it would have hurt any worse if there had been).

I waited for a while to see if she would change her mind. When her boyfriend found out she had left me, he told her that they were "just friends" and he didn't want to get serious. She still didn't want to come back though.

About 2 weeks back she wanted to meet me and talk. I went to see her at a shop where her friend works. Her and her friend were talking and they got into a discussion about relationships. Her friend told her about a guy who she had met who was married with a bunch of kids. She said that she wasn't really interested in him but he was nice to look at and that if he only had one or two kids or if she had been his gf instead of his wife she would have tried to bust them up, but as it was she wasn't goint to attempt it and my wife was laughing about it.

I couldn't stand listening to that, so I got up and walked out. I knew then that I didn't want her back if she didn't think any more of relationships than that.

Then this week, she calls asking if she can borrow some money to make it to the end of the week. She shows up at my door covered in hickeys, so I know she's found someone else. First she lies about it, then finally comes clean.

I told her than that I was upset, but glad she wasn't alone at least. Then I told her that I would go ahead and file the divorce papers so she could be free to do whatever she wanted.

Maybe I'm just too old fashioned, but to me marriages and relationships are more than just toys to be played with. From what I've seen lately, my ideals don't seem to fit in with popular opinion though...

Sorry about ranting, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I don't really have many friends locally that I can talk to.

Thanks again, I better go back to bed...

Lurch

[whaywardj]

Sometimes, this quote from Anais Nin helps me through: "We don't see things as they are. We things as we are."

[Mish]

Hi Lurch

I agree it's very painful what you are going through.

"Maybe I'm just too old fashioned, but to me marriages and relationships are more than just toys to be played with. "

I agree with this quote as well. Marriages are a little bit harder to deal with than any other relationships, because it is a legal contract between the two. I find it very revolting that cheating these days benefits the guilty party more than the victim of cheating on the recieving end. Maybe a good idea would be to adopt laws against cheating during marriage??? (Regardless of the sex of the offender). In your situation i would completely cut her out of your life and do my best to forget that she ever existed (She chose this herself, so from that moment on she should become a non-existent person). However, i have never been married and so may not completely understand the gravity of your situation. Although, cutting her completely out of your life and any links to her (Such as marriage) will be the most beneficial and healthy for you to be able to move on and find a lady who will not fall out of love with you and accept you for who you are (Trust me there are a lot of them out here).

Hope above helps!!!

[Junsui]

I don't think that's old fashioned, I believe relationships should be taken more seriously than that. I am curious how old she is though? She sounds pretty immature and I think her choice in friends just reflects how she is. She was covered in hickeys? Who does that besides people in high school? Not to be so mean on her, just stating how I see it.

And with the adultery thing, you can always sign a pre-nup and put some clause in there about it

[Tone]

Asip is right.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Be strong, Lurch, when it rains it pours, but the sun will shine again, one day.

[*konstantine*]

Lurch,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. You seem like a very kind and considerate person and I hate that anyone has to experience something like this.

I know this must be hard esp. b/c of the sugery, I would want to keep believing that almost had something to do with it, but regardless notthing will change what the state of things are right now.

I really admirer your stength to be able to give her that space. You don't deserve to experience this, but I know your respect for yourself will get you through. I'm happy that you are realizing that their our things about her now that aren't compatible with you and hopefully when you start to feel really down that will bring you comfort.

From personal experience all I can say right now is give her space, lots of space, not only for herself but more importantly for you. Right now you need to take care of yourself, I'm sure their will be lots of contact back and forth but to aviod further heart ache i suggest you limit this as much as possible. You wouldn't want her to come to you saying she wants you and then leave again. I hope each day brings you more comfort and hope and post on here or start a blog to vent anytime you start to feel sad. Which I know will be often at the start, I have a lot of journals!

[Lurch]

To Junsui, she's in her upper-mid twenties.

To Konstantine, she's actually offered to come back a couple of times. The first time she said she would come back but she wouldn't promise to be faithful. The other times she said she would be faithful, but she wouldn't be happy. She asked me today if I wanted her to come back. I said not if she doesn't want to come back. The only way that I would take her back is if she really wanted to wholeheartedly and then we would try to work things out. I really don't think that's going to happen though...

She says the other guys are only "distractions" but it just drives me farther from her every time I think about it. And if I did take her back and she left again, I don't think I could survive it.

Lurch

[RoSe MaRiE]

She asked me today if I wanted her to come back. I said not if she doesn't want to come back. The only way that I would take her back is if she really wanted to wholeheartedly and then we would try to work things out. I really don't think that's going to happen though...

and you shouldn't. you deserve better. i don't know what kind of surgery she had and hope no other commited person goes threw that procedure.

on a serious note tho, i think you should really move on. saying she loves you but can't be happy w/you i can understand. but taking money from you (for food and gas) and asking you if you would take her back but she can't be faithfull? i think she feels comfortable w/you more then anything and knows you'll be their for her no matter what cause you still care for her. you don't tell someone u don't make me happy and i can't keep my legs closed when i'm tempted but could i borrow some money to be able to survive? nevermind the love bites. i'm sorry. maybe the people who can keep her happy should be the one's helping her get on her feet or at least feed her.